Friday, December 25, 2015

Annual Christmas message

On this, the holiest of days, may all the blessings of hope and love be yours and for your loved ones, and may you live happily in peace, always, with all the joys of the yuletide season, not only today but throughout the coming year, without regret, and with new understanding that each day is sacred in our hearts, and in our dreams, driven by our own personal sleighs, and lit by the beacons of truth and peace on earth, plus goodwill to man, and to all, with love, as stated above; and may prosperity shine upon your family throughout the coming year, and the year after that, and frankly, forever, even long after you and your family are in their eternal graves, feeding microbes that also are blessed in the holiday spirit, whether they appreciate it or not, because they do not believe in anything, which is sad but still okay, because they are special in the eyes of Christmas; and may this wondrous holiday bring the wish that you never collapse suddenly, like a fourth quarter team coached by Tom Coughlin; for such is the splendor and pureness of this holiday wish, which I again wish to stress is a wish not just for you but for everyone, and not just today but for forever, and from the deepest levels of your atomic composition, which may include the Higgs Boson particle, all the way to the farthest regions of outer space, where entire universes of dark matter are now being obliterated by black holes, which are joyful in their own way, although it is hard for us to understand this, not only on Christmas, but any time, except for the Fourth of July, when we are too fired up with patriotic fervor to think about such things; so, in conclusion, may everything you've ever wanted be yours, and may nothing you never want to happen ever happen, for thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory, may the Yankees win in 2016 and may God strike me down right now if this message is in any way insincere, and damn, I hope I don't get another tie; is it a Trump tie, because they're made in China... ho, ho, ho...


Alphonso said...

And into the city of Galilee did come a baby, wrapped in swaddling clothes. And his name was Jesus.

He was traded, upon adulthood, to the spirit of Seattle for a guy with a pointy hat, named Pineda, which is Jewish for Esau.

When the heavens parted, the guy with the pointy hat had surgery, while Jesus prowled the small villages looking for ice cream bars.

Frankly, said one of the three wise men, who had brought jesus out of the hay field, " I'd sooner have a cat."

Merry Xmas to all, and to all a good nicht.

- Biblical recorder, Olde Testament.

John M said...


To all fans of what used to be the Evil Empire, but is now simply once again the Kingdom of Stupid, a very Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. Enjoy it, because spring is just around the corner and that's going to be very, very painful, as will all six months of the coming season.

Go Scranton.