Thursday, December 3, 2015

No signings, no trades, no hope? Bah! Here are 10 exciting hot stove topics for Yankee fans

1. Which of our opponents will sign the big free agents?

2. Can Hal Steinbrenner guide us to The Promised Land... that magical, vaunted $189 million Yankee payroll?

3. Nick Rumbelow or Nick Goody? Have at it, Yankiverse!

4. Can Tex bear the full load of a season, which reminds me: Did Leonardo DiCaprio really get raped by a bear?

5. What will John Sterling's home run call be - Wait a minute: Do bears rape people? I thought they just ate you. Now, they rape you? That's it, I'm done with the woods. This whole topic is far too disturbing.

6. Will the Yankees trade Brett Gar- WAIT: Wouldn't a Hollywood studio use a stand-in for Leonardo during a bear rape scene? Isn't that what stunt men do? Of course, this would be asking a lot of a stunt man.

7. Why didn't the President give Yogi his medal - wait a minute: Does this stain the - until now, pristine - image of Yogi Bear? I mean, come on: The way he always grinned at the Park Ranger? Something was going on. Yogi was grabbing more than picnic baskets.

8. Screw the Yankees. This bear thing is sick. Should the Chicago Bears change their name? I consider the Washington Redskins to be a racist title - I've hated that team since Joe Theisman, anyway - but does this put the Bears over the top?

9. Once you've had bear, do you ever go back? Does a bear - uh - do it in the woods?

10. Seven years from now, Boston will really regret signing David Pri- wait: Did the bear have a name? Because I bet Leonardo had a pet name for him. I bet he called the bear "Oscar." He better get more than a measly Golden Globe. And who gives a damn about David Price. He'll have three great years, opt out, and then we'll sign him to a seven-year. Isn't that how the Yankees normally do business? (Why do I feel like Leonardo?)

6 comments:

Alphonso said...

Slow week?

el duque said...

I don't see you hawking up a rant.

Anonymous said...

THE BEARS NAME IS OSCAR AZOCAR...

joe de pastry said...

The Yankee front office has apparently given up on the 2016 season. So have I. See you in 2017.

Tom said...

To answer your question, Tex probably can't bear the strain of a full season. The Yankees may well be unbearable unless they find some talent because the cupboards are, you know, bare. In fact, I sort of hope that attendance and ratings barely register if the team sucks. Then maybe the fans will come out of hibernation all angry, setting a honey-pot trap for Cash, Hall and the Yankee Clipboard, Joe G. so we can run them all out of town on a rail, at which point Leonardo DiCaprio can decide what sort of revenge he wants for being violated like that.

Anonymous said...

JOE DE PASTRY HAS THE SOLUTION.....I WON'T BE GOING TO MY USUAL 7 OR 8 GAMES THIS YEAR..(AND I DO LOVE TO GO).....WHAT OTHER MESSAGE CAN US FANS SEND OTHER THAN THAT?