FIFTY THOUSAND MOONS

Monday, December 14, 2015

Yankees, combing the distressed merchandise aisle for the next Stephen Drew, could beget the Second Coming of Rafael Soriano

The wildest backstory of 2015 - (after Saul Goodman's law career, Magneto's early life as a Jew in Nazi Germany, and Donald Trump being raised in a trailer park with only the Bible to sustain him) - belonged to Stephen Drew, the Yankee version of "Too Big to Fail." A serviceable infield widget for years, Drew became the first blood sacrifice to the new Players Operating agreement - (aka "The Kill the Yankees" plan) - which meant any contending team that signed Drew would forfeit its first-round pick, while the crappy teams were scared away by his age. Drew missed half of 2014, fell apart, and then returned to a game that had changed, via the defensive over-shift.

Last winter, the Retrieval Empire signed Drew on a one-year $5 million deal, thinking his 2014 collapse had been a Brian Roberts flashback dream episode. Thus, throughout 2015, we played him, and we played him, and we played him - until a concussion finally did for Drew what the front office didn't have the billiards to do - send him to the bench. From there, Drew silently drew away.

Look, I've nothing against the guy personally: Apparently, he was a good teammate: didn't pee in the shower or pinch the buttocks of ballgirls. He did nothing to harm the Yankee image, aside from batting .200. Drew poked a few HRs now and then, but they only seemed to make him swing harder into the over-shifts, rather than try the opposite field. He'd lash a liner into the RF-CF gap, where it would be caught by the 2B. Watching him flail away became old by June. So why were we still watching it in September? Maybe someday, JJ Abrams can explore his backstory.

Anyway... where were we? - oh, yeah, the Yankees. We can speculate why Brian Cashman felt so compelled to trade for Starlin Castro last week. But if you accept that the team will never give Rob Refsnyder a chance, then the only other option might have been to bring back Drew. If the Yankees had done such a thing, they'd face death threats.

So there's no Drew II. But here's some news to spike your holiday eggnog: The spirit of Drew might live on in the form of Rafael Soriano - "the Drew of the Pen" - who is now popping up on our radar Etch-a-Sketch. Last winter, around now, Soriano was the free agent closer that nobody wanted, because his price tag was too high. In June, the desperate Cubs finally caved in and took a flier on him. Soriano took the mound in July and got hit harder than Ronda Rousey. He went on the DL with a bad shoulder and was punted before the season ended. This winter, Soriano pitched in some Dominican tequila league, compiling a 2.57 ERA (which, for a closer is not so hot.) He's looking for a new home, the Yankees need someone to fill the hole left by Andrew Bailey, and one huge redeeming factor could lead Soriano our way.

He should be cheap.

Yep, cheap. And that's all we need to know. As the San Diego Chicken says, cheap, cheap, cheap. If he's cheap, we'll call. It's that simple. Cheap, cheap, cheap. Hey, did someone say cheap? Because he'll be cheap. I don't know how cheap, but cheap is cheap, right? So we'll be on this guy like cheap on a chip. Cheap, cheap, cheap. Welcome to the Yankees, home of the cheap. Hey, did someone say cheap? Cheap, cheap, cheap. As The Master would say, Howwwww cheap it is!

3 comments:

Alphonso said...

I have two things to say;

1. From your remarks it seems that Hal will do the negotiating for Soriano.

2. How, by the way, did Drew get this miraculous concussion? His ( concussion) put him out for about two months, which is longer by a factor of 2X-3x than the NFL protocol. Did he accidentally wander into an NFL camp while looking for his bat? Did he get cold-cocked in a bar fight? I don't remember him running into a wall or a catcher.

Der Kaiser said...

Not to worry, I'm sure Soriano just struggled last year because he missed spring training.

Ugueth Urbina said...

I'm pretty sure it's The Rum League in the D.R.