FIFTY THOUSAND MOONS

Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Yankee "Do's" and "Don'ts," explained

THINGS THE YANKEES ABSOLUTELY WILL NOT TOLERATE BY PLAYERS.

1. Beard.
2. Bushy sideburns, mutton chops or disgracefully prissy Hunger Game style facial growths.
3. Unkempt, long-haired, hippy freak appearance.
4. Miscellaneous: Satanic forehead tattoo, Nazi salute at home plate, unprotected sex in dugout during games, wearing John Lennon glasses etc.
5. Suing the good Yankee executives.
6. Coming up from Scranton, bossing people around, and acting like your poop smells like $20 French perfume. (You know who you are!)
7. Appearance in any Ben Affleck/Matt Damon movie that would imply the fine and upstanding Yankee brass would ever condone wife-swapping.
8. Hanging with Jay-Z and Beyonce, and having the unmitigated audacity to demand a 10-year contract, when everybody knows you will be fat and slow someday.
9. Being Bobby Meachem.
10. Did I mention the need to shave, you disgusting pig!

THINGS THE YANKEES BEGRUDGINGLY ACCEPT BY PLAYERS. (Note: Though this in no way constitutes endorsement of said activities.)

1. A tastefully trimmed mustache. (One-half inch, groomed, no Salvador Dali pansy crap.)
2. Scott Boras.
3. Wife-swapping.
4. Miscellaneous marital disputes: Wife-beating, wife-choking, wife-cheating, wife-terrorizing, etc. (But seriously, can't we just be like Jeter and not get married until after retirement?)
5. Shooting up garage (Note: Yours, not the neighbors')
6. Hanging with Jay-Z and Beyonce, and jogging out routine grounders. (Because it saves the player for 10 years from now, when he's old.)
7. Appearance in boozy YouTube street brawl (Note: In Canada.)
8. Drug abuse (Steve Howe Rule)
9. Performance enhancing drugs (if followed by heartfelt apology and solid year.)
10. Five-o'clock shadow, as long as said facial growth in no way implies beard. SHAVE, YOU DISGUSTING PIG.

IN SHORT, NO BEARDS OR ATTITUDE. EVERYTHING ELSE, NEGOTIABLE.

3 comments:

John M said...

Howe never shot anything. At least, I never heard of him doing it. I always got the impression he just sucked up the stuff through a golden straw to the nose or something. I have no idea how you can sniff a garage up your nose. That would be hard to chop; you'd need a razor blade the size of a Winnebago. So naturally, you shoot the garage. But it will require a very large-gauge needle. Those are as hard to find as a Yankees farmhand starting in the big-league lineup.

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Contranonymous said...

He's back!