Saturday, March 26, 2016

In terms of "maintaining unpredictability," Trump has nothing on Ivan Nova

One of the most brilliant parts of the 2016 Make Armageddon Great Again campaign is how, whenever he's stumped on a foreign policy question, Donald Trump artfully pivots to his fallback: He must maintain a cobra-like unpredictability, so evildoers - chopping off heads this very minute - won't even suspect a thing when Fat Man II roars down from the sky.

Clearly, he's stole the concept from Ivan Nova.

Yesterday, Nova maintained his reputation in the Yankiverse as being predictably unpredictable. After several fine outings, he got hammered. Three home runs. He's Forest Gump's box of chocolates. He's pure random sequence. No Kaypro computer, no matter how advanced, can process all Nova's intangibles and figure out what he'll do next. He might throw a perfect game. He might rush for 200 yards. He could win an Oscar, invent a new disease, climb Fuji, date Donna Summers, even though she's dead. He might support Trump. Anything. He has maintained unpredictability. Our enemies surely fear him.

I sure do. I fear he's going to be counted on to pitch 150 innings, games I hereby volunteer to miss. In fact, here's my suggestion to Brian Cashman:

Wait until Nova pitches two solid outings in a row. (He will, as sure as you're reading this.) He could be Pitcher of the Week, or something. Whatever. Then... TRADE HIS MISERABLE BUTT FOR WHATEVER WE NEED. And if we don't need anything, trade him anyway. Thus, we'll avoid the hammerings.

The Yankees are 9 and 12 in spring games - seven off the pace, if you're tracking the hot Grapefruit League pennant race. (Toronto in first, Houston in second - sound ominous?) Aside from Luis Severino, all our NY ballyhooed prospects have had lousy springs. A few have been disasters. (Looking at you, Slade.) We haven't lost a critical player to injuries - which is really all that matters - but watching Nova and CC Sabathia "compete" for the fifth rotation slot has been cruel and unusual punishment. Of course, CC was always going to win it - there was never a real competition. Trouble in, neither deserves it.

In a slightly more successful Yankiverse - one where we sign an ace pitcher or three - I might enjoy Nova's unpredictability, as another wild element on a veteran team. But right now, he's just another reason not to watch, and the Yankees are starting to load up on them. At least Trump is entertaining. You never know what he'll say. I wish he was our fifth starter.

4 comments:

John M said...

Here in Austria, where I'm currently visiting, all people want to know about is Trump. I keep telling them Nova, Tenaka, CC and Severino are the big story back home, but they just stare at me blankly. Perrhaps if I was able to tell them in German...well, I'm sure they'll come around by midseason, at any rate.

el duque said...

If they're not hearing about the Yankees, it's because they're living in a totalitarian fishbowl.

Anonymous said...

I LIKE THE PLAN EL DUQUE, ABOUT DEALING NOVA AFTER 2 GOOD STARTS......BUT THE PROBLEM WITH THAT IS AFTER THE 2 GOOD STARTS, CASHMAN WILL OFFICIALLY CATEGORIZE NOVA AS A "LIVE ARM".......AND WE WILL HOLD ON TO HIM UNTIL THE BEATINGS BEGIN...IT'S A VICIOUS CYCLE.

Tom said...

Grinning fool