All you Second Amendment people out there*, we need a solution to this Yankee mess

Last night, my wife - the one authentic bellwether oracle for Yankee justice - couldn't believe what she was watching. "Are they f---g serious?" she said. "Where the hell is A-Rod?" 

The Fenway frat-mob agreed. They chanted for him, obviously hoping for one last boo. But I haven't felt more prone to snapping off a Yankee game since - well - two weeks ago, before The Purge. When the Yankees announced they were releasing Alex Rodriguez, I figured it a slam dunk that he'd get four games to shoot for 700, and that - love him or hate him - they wouldn't be so organizationally petty as to sit the greatest home run hitter of his generation, when he's two steps out the door and only four A-bombs from a milestone. Obviously, I was wrong.

But here's where I'm overwhelmed by the sliminess. I doubt this move came from Girardi. He hasn't lasted this long as manager without learning to read the desires of the masthead. The decision to banish A-Rod had to come from the human sensory deprivation tank that we call Shallow Hal. It brings us one more reminder that every fish rots from the head down, and that the glump who sits atop the Yankee pyramid is a pampered amalgamation of nepotism and cronyism, and his greatest skill is not in accumulating money, but scapegoats. The Steinbrenners foisted all that money and all those years upon A-Rod, and now, when they are supposed to be working toward a solution with the guy, they don't even give him a final bow?

There is something going on here, and it's not been fully explained. The Yankees are kicking A-Rod out the door, while pretending to be loving caretakers of his legacy. But somewhere in the fine print, some performance clause must forbid him from signing with another team, or attaches money to his next move. (It's obvious that they don't want to pay him the milestone bonus for reaching 700, but something else, even more devious, is going on.) 

Of course, Boston wants to see him only so they can unleash a volcano of boos. It would sound like Springsteen, but they wouldn't be yelling "Bruuuce." And all last night, I kept thinking, maybe Joe will send up A-Rod to pinch hit with the bases full. Maybe there will be one last moment...

Girardi says in a race for the Wild Card. What a joke. Look out in right field, there's Aaron Hicks - can't hit a lick, and last night, he couldn't field in the corner or run the bases. Are they fucking serious? Where the hell is A-Rod?

*This, of course, is just a funny joke. I'm referring to Second Amendment supporting fans, who won't go to games.