PAPI MOONS NEW YORK

PAPI MOONS NEW YORK

Sunday, August 21, 2016

Yankees beat Angels, featuring Gregorio Petit

Ma, they're doing it again. Make them stop. I'm trying to do homework. They're talking about the Wild Card. Will you tell them to go to bed?

They're saying the Yankees "have closed to" being just four games out of the Bud Selig Annual One Game Away Field Fake Playoff Last Chance Door Prize Wild Card Berth. They're even playing scoreboard ball, noting who won and lost, and pretending it matters.

As Bill Murray said in Meatballs, "IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER." Understand? "IT JUST DOESN'T MATTER!"

Last night, the Yankees beat Gregorio Petit and the California Angels, arguably the worst team in baseball - did I mention they have Gregorio Petit? - for the second straight victory. Two wins against a Gregorio Petit-inspired tomato can is hardly a resurgence. It's not even a streak. It's just a - well - it's a glom. That's all. We're glomming onto California's collapse. Did I mention Gregorio Petit?

And they say we have "pulled within four" of the Wild Card.

Insert barnyard noises here.

OK, let's take out papers and pencils, and let's do our weekly math exercises. To win the AL Wild Card Potted Plant Kewpie Doll, a team will probably need at least 86 wins. Could be more. Let's go baseline and say "86." The Yankees have 39 games remaining. To reach the magical "eighty-six," Joe's Gemstones must go 23-16 over the last six weeks. Not impossible, right? In fact, doable, technically.

But here's the rub. We have four teams above us. Even if we glom to 23-16 - our best month of the season - it just doesn't matter.

Boston has 40 left. To reach 86, they merely have to win 17. They can tank and still finish ahead of us. Same with Baltimore; they could go 19-21. Seattle must win more games than they lose - but they lead us by three in the loss column. (Detroit is tied with us in losses. They are fading fast, losing to Boston again yesterday.)

Five teams, two slots.

Listen: This is a nice little talent show, especially if Chad Green and Luis Cessa keep pitching well. Kudos to Cashman for making the trade last winter. Let's hope it's the kind of deal the Yankees make more often - buying low and selling high. Gary Sanchez looks like a future Jorge. Aaron Judge could be our cleanup hitter. We have components of a future team. Next year, everything will matter.

Right now, no matter what they say, it just doesn't.

But we can still moon Big Papi. That will matter.

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

I GOT MY TICKETS FOR THE 29TH!

Anonymous said...

MY WIFE KEEPS URGING ME NOT TO GET INTO A FIGHT WITH ANY RED SOX FANS ON THE 29TH....THERE ARE EXPLOSIVE ELEMENTS TO THIS GAME.... PROBLEM #1) RED SOX FANS IN YANKEE STADIUM, MAKE ME MAD ....PROBLEM #2) YANKEE FANS WHO EVEN THINK ABOUT CHEERING PAPI, (AND THERE WILL BE SOME DOPES), MAKE ME MAD.....PROBLEM #3) DRUNKENNESS- THE 4 OF US WILL ALL BE HAMMERED.... AND PROBLEM #4) TRYING TO CONVINCE THEM WE WON'T GET ARRESTED IF WE ALL PULL OUR PANTS DOWN AND MOON PAPI (WHICH MAY NOT BE TOO HARD-SEE PROBLEM #3)......... SO MANY SWIRLING ELEMENTS, ALL LEADING TO A POSSIBLE OVERNIGHT STAY IN THE CLINK..... .OMG....I JUST THOUGHT OF THE WORST THING.....SUPPOSE A MET FAN WITH A MET HAT ON, STANDS UP TO CHEER PAPI???......... I BETTER TRY TO SELL THE TICKETS.

el duque said...

CAPtain,

Remember: The greatest Yankee fans who ever lived were the ones who put the nails on Ed Whitson's driveway.

Anonymous said...

HAHA!...EDDIE LEE WHITSON.... I REMEMBER READING HOW HE HAD TO "SWEEP AWAY" THE TACKS AND NAILS BEFORE HE GOT INTO HIS CAR.... INSANE, HILARITY, BUT NEEDED, YOU'RE RIGHT!

Tom DeAngelo said...

Duque-

With all due respect, your paradigm is obsolete. Now that the purge is underway, any positives generated by the young bucks is TRUE progress, even and ESPECIALLY the 2nd Wild Card.

4 out with 5 weeks left, the 3 teams ahead of them are of no consequence because THEY ALL SUCK!

And since this isn't the NFL or NBA, draft order doesn't matter all that much.

Learn to embrace the New Order.

Tom DeAngelo said...

Duque-

With all due respect, your paradigm is obsolete. Now that the purge is underway, any positives generated by the young bucks is TRUE progress, even and ESPECIALLY the 2nd Wild Card.

4 out with 5 weeks left, the 3 teams ahead of them are of no consequence because THEY ALL SUCK!

And since this isn't the NFL or NBA, draft order doesn't matter all that much.

Learn to embrace the New Order.

Local Bargain Jerk said...


ANONYMOUS:

Great post. You're raised a number of weighty philosophical questions, all-caps KŌANS of a sort.

Let's see if I can help.

     MY WIFE KEEPS URGING ME NOT TO GET INTO A FIGHT WITH ANY RED SOX FANS ON THE 29TH....
     THERE ARE EXPLOSIVE ELEMENTS TO THIS GAME....


This is quite a quandary. Both you and your wife raise some interesting points. Let's address them one by one:


     PROBLEM #1) RED SOX FANS IN YANKEE STADIUM, MAKE ME MAD....

Brother, I'm right there with you on this one.

My outlook for 9/29, however, is that it's a special day. And a day on which every Yankee fan who participates will have the last word, and the last laugh. 9/29 is *our* day, regardless of how many Massholes with their superior attitudes are in our midst. They'll get theirs...mmmm-bwahahahahaha.


     PROBLEM #2) YANKEE FANS WHO EVEN THINK ABOUT CHEERING PAPI, (AND THERE WILL BE SOME DOPES),
     MAKE ME MAD.....


These kinds of fans are almost more reprehensible than the Massholes who might be among us at the game. However, I think the solution noted above is still the answer.

Anyone who's there to moon Big Papi can make these pseudo-fans feel like shit by pointing out that they missed their one and only chance in a lifetime to participate in something extraordinary. Losers.


     PROBLEM #3) DRUNKENNESS- THE 4 OF US WILL ALL BE HAMMERED....

Sorry, I'm not following. What's the problem?


     PROBLEM #4) TRYING TO CONVINCE THEM WE WON'T GET ARRESTED IF WE ALL PULL OUR PANTS
     DOWN AND MOON PAPI (WHICH MAY NOT BE TOO HARD-SEE PROBLEM #3)


This might be the stickiest problem of the four you've listed. I think the best answer is to encourage EVERYONE in the Yankiverse to participate. Strength in numbers, if you will.

The analogy is that when everyone on the NYS Thruway drives 75mph, a decent defense becomes, "Don't pick on me, officer, I was just going with the flow!"


     I BETTER TRY TO SELL THE TICKETS.

Please don't do this. For the reasons outlined above, we need you.

In fact, we need every reader of IIHIIFIIC.

Please be there on 9/29, everyone, to Moon Big Papi!

John M said...

Lunar displays aside, I agree with Tom DeAngelo. It would be a big uplift for this team to run out the season in winning style and at the very least move up a couple of places in the standings. These last two months are a prelude to next year, just as the last couple of months last year were the prelude to the sucking mediocrity of the first four months of this season.

The kids--and hopefully a few rejuvenated vets--need to see that they can win, and if they do something next to impossible or at least highly unlikely, so much the better.

I stand by the idea that we can end up with 88 wins, one better than last year. In terms of the whole season, no improvement. But in terms of how this team feels going into the off-season...huuuuge.

John M said...

If today ends up being a loss, it's classic Girardi. Tex is at first, and cranked a meaningless double before flying out with the bases loaded , swinging at ball four--a pitch at least a foot outside. Green has been terrific, and just finished the sixth strong, but in a 1-0 game, Joe has Swarzak warming in the pen. Headley is back at third. Hicks, who does have two hits, is in right instead of Judge. The idea of sticking with a winning lineup or a strong pitching performance is for some reason impossible. 7 runs Friday, 5 runs yesterday, 0 today. Yeah, it was time to tinker with the lineup.

John M said...

Swarzak held. Warren provided the meatballs to make it 2-0. What's up with him? Not looking so great, a big run.

Anonymous said...

JOHN M...I AM SO WITH YOU ON THIS!.....WHEN I SAW THE STARTING LINEUP BEFORE THE GAME, I WAS STUNNED....HOW COULD HE BENCH JUDGE ALREADY?...FOR A "REST"?...ARE YOU KIDDING ME?...HE JUST HELPED US WIN YESTERDAY WITH A 2RBI BASE HIT!.... IT LOOKS OBVIOUS TO ME THAT JUDGE, AND SANCHEZ NEED TO BE IN THE LINEUP EVERYDAY!!!.... TORREYES SHOULD HAVE PLAYED TOO...YOU DON'T MESS WITH A WINNING FORMULA UNTIL IT STARTS LOSING!!!!!.... DOESN'T GIRARDI KNOW THIS???..... SO FUCKING DISGUSTED!!!

Anonymous said...

LET ME MAKE THIS SIMPLE....DOES BOSTON BENCH BETTS, BOEGARTS, OR BRADLEY JR. IN A GAME THEY REALLY NEED?.... THE ANSWER IS NO!!!!.... GIRARDI HAS GOT TO STOP THIS "RESTING" SHIT!!!.... JUDGE IS 24!......HE DOESN'T NEED A REST!!!!

Anonymous said...

.....AND DON'T WORRY LBJ....I WON'T SELL MY TICKETS......LOL

John M said...

Girardi is a jerk. And every time he plays Tex and Headley and to some degree McCann, I just get more pissed off about his benching of A-Rod and his blather about being out to win.