FIFTY THOUSAND MOONS

Friday, August 12, 2016

Dear Redsock fans, we need to talk...

Helloooooooooo, Boston! Thanks for stopping in! Take off your clogs. Pour yourself a cold one. Snuggle into the futon. We need to have - well - an honest discussion...

First, let me formally thank you for the "WE WANT A-ROD" chants and the leather-lunged boos at his every move. I believe that was as heartfelt a send-off as anyone could give Alex. I speak for not only for the Yankiverse but humanity when I say the Yankees totally bungled A-Rod's finale. He didn't need to ride off on some elephant, or to have Bernie Williams play guitar, but the guy deserved a few final chances to swing of the bat - especially when the other DH options are so marginal. The Yankees are just two weeks shy of the roster expansion, and A-Rod is only four HRs away from 700; you'd think something could have been figured out. But not with the Yankees. Nope. They're chasing third place in the AL East, and Hal Steinbrenner has no interest in paying money for milestone homers. Besides, who can resist a last chance to poke A-Rod in the eye, even if creates bad will next year, when he's supposed to be dealing with our young prospects. Nope... let the record show that you folks came through for us. You demanded A-Rod, just so you could shower him with jeers. It was a nice tribute.

I, personally, would rather boo the Yankee front office. Unfortunately, they never come to bat in front of 50,000 people. When they do appear in public, it is always with some fawning broadcast lick-spittle who is terrified of losing his job. Clearly, somebody on the Yankees needs to be booed, and we can always count on Boston. You're like zombies on the Walking Dead - always there, always hissing. Please, don't go changin.'

Alas, I must deliver bad news. Your team, it sucks.

One of the great delights over the last two nights came in the late innings, when the Yankees rallied. Listen: The 2016 Yankees won't be remembered as the Cardiac Kids. The most ridiculous lines in America - after Obama being founder of ISIS - is the YES team's breathless note that the Yankees are now - 3?, 3.5? 4? whatever - games out of the One Game Away Field Wild Card berth, the Chlamydia infection of the postseason. We are a mediocrity, a team waiting for September 1, when the rosters expand and we can finally see some interesting minor leaguers.

And yet, there were were - rallying against your bullpen, your wonderful, magnificent, national treasure of a bullpen. God, I love those guys! Each night, we napped through the early innings and then partied with your late-night pitchers. And they came through for us.

Since April, you've been popping buttons over this team. When Jackie Yastremski Jr. was hitting .340, you were comparing the 2016 Redsocks to the Yankees of Ruth and Gehrig. Well, Rusney Castillo and the Panda are now your official A-Rod dead weight contracts, and all the prospects in the galaxy cannot float you beyond the Brad Ziegler and Craig Kimbrel during the late innings. Maybe next year.

Folks, I have bad news: You're chasing the One Game Away Field Wild Card berth, you've traded solid prospects for bullpen bums, and whatever microscopic chance you had at a postseason is steadily slipping from your grasp. Good night, and good luck. Goodbiiiiiiiiiiiii, Boston.

3 comments:

John M said...

We're three and half games away from a wild card game.

Unbelievable. I thought we traded away the guys who were doing really well?

joe de pastry said...

I'm sick of all the pessimism on this site. Look at the facts objectively: we just took 2 of 3 from the mighty Red Sox; we have a better record than the Mighty Mets; we have a better record than the World Champion Royals; we got a quality start from Big Mike Pineda and two perfect innings of relief from phenom Cessa in the hitters' paradise of Fenway; we got two hits from Aaron "Hit Man" Hicks, who is now only .003 from the historic Mendoza Line; we're only 6 1/2 games from first place and only 3 1/2 from the wild card!!!
That's why we're focused on nothing but winning: cut A-Fraud BEFORE Friday's game; call up Aaron Judge [two Aarons are twice as good as one]; coax Jeter out of retirement and bat him second down the stretch; make Bucky Dent our hitting coach. This comeback could be as great as '78!!!!

howdy said...

Joe De Pastry for President.