FIFTY THOUSAND MOONS

Thursday, August 18, 2016

Six weeks left in this wretched season: A survival guide

It ended yesterday. The season. In less than 24 hours, it collapsed into a weightless, formless particle and vanished from the Yankiverse. Actually, the process began two nights ago in a game we had to win against a team we had to beat with a lead we had to hold... in an event we now have to forget.

Until now, I never had reason to own a gun. Now, I need one. That way, the next time some YES announcer breaks out the Wild Card standings, I can shoot my TV.

Yep, it's over, folks. We are back to two games above .500 - the Mason-Dixon line for crapola. I feel like Jeff Goldblum in the 1986 movie, The Fly.  After all the horror, he says, "I am just a fly who dreamed he was a man." Well, I am just a fly who dreamed the Yankees were in a Wild Card race.

We're done here, people. We should found a protest group: Blue Wins Don't Matter. We're even out of the race for 10 worst MLB records, which would let us sign free agents next winter without losing draft picks. We have six miserable weeks to kill. What to do?

The kids. They should play every game. Not just Sanchez, Judge and Austin, but Ben Gamel needs a shot. Good god, the poor guy has now hit over .300 in his last 900 minor league at bats. That's two years in Scranton. You can't just pretend he doesn't exist. Mason Williams, too. And the entire Scranton pitching staff. Give them a chance - unless they are on season inning counts, of course. If that's the case, it's the month of Kirby Yates.

Refsnyder. He needs his own category. I'm not sure where he projects as a major-leaguer. I know some of you aren't impressed. Clearly, he is not an OF prospect. He deserved a shot at 2B, but the Yankees traded for Starlin Castro - and - well... meh.

Castro has the worst on-base percentage of all second-basemen in the AL - .296. He has the second-worst batting average, is last among starters in stolen bases, and is 8th in HRs. (The fact is, 2B has become an offense position.) Yeah, he's hit a few HRs lately, but aside from a loud April, I think the Cubs knew what they were trading. (BTW, Headley, too, is a mediocre 3B. He ranks 10th among AL third-basemen in average - .256 - and is 11th in HRs. He's hit better lately, but yeesh.) I'd play Refsnyder over either, see what happens. (Of course, this will NOT happen. Some nameless Yankee scouts seem to be invested in Refsnyder not panning out; they'll never ditch Castro or Headley for him.)

Gardy and Ellsbury. Let them sit. Better, dangle them in trades. For the record: I am over Brett Gardner. He was once my favorite Yankee. Now, he comes to bat, I get a sandwich. Guy doesn't steal. Guy doesn't hit for power. Guy hasn't hit in the clutch. WTF? He'd be a decent defensive CF, but he plays a corner. Sadly, we'll never trade Ellsbury due to his A-Roddian contract. So sit them. We can say we're protecting their precious hamstrings.

CC and Tex. Give them Rolexes. Bring out a marching band. Of course, CC will return next year. I'd start transitioning him to the bullpen.

Aaron Hicks. Ummm, who cares? Play him. Release him? Turn him into a fly? Whatever. Doesn't matter to me. I'll just shoot the TV. Every year we are saddled with one Cashman personal project - last season brought us Stephen Drew - who must play every day, because the GM's ego is tethered to the guy's success. We have six more weeks of Hicks.

Watch for injuries on other teams. Of course, we don't root for anybody to get hurt. But if a contender happens to loses a catcher, hey! Brian McCann!

Beat Boston. We have seven games against them. Let's win four. And in that final home game, we need to MOON BIG PAPI.

11 comments:

Local Bargain Jerk said...


Until now, I never had reason to own a gun. Now, I need one. That way, the next time some YES announcer breaks out the Wild Card standings, I can shoot my TV.

Wow. This team is so bad and so out of it, they've driven you to contemplate violating one of the Top 10 Juju Rules:

     NEVER HARM YOUR TELEVISION. No matter what happens
     on screen, it's not her fault.

Anonymous said...

I GOT MY TICKETS FOR SEPT. 29TH!..... IT'S MY BIRTHDAY TODAY, AND MY WIFE GIVES ME A CARD LAST NIGHT WITH 4 TICKETS (ME AND MY 3 WILD YANKEE FAN FRIENDS) TO THE MOONBIGPAPI GAME.....I REMEMBER TELLING HER ABOUT THE WEBSITE THE OTHER DAY.....I WAS STUNNED......IT'S FATE!...... THAT'S 4 ASSES RIGHT THERE...... ...NO LIE...... THAT DRUG ADDICT IS GONNA GET IT....FUCKING FRAUD.....

Tom said...

THIS IS GONNA TO BE GREAT!

John M said...

WHOOOO!

The Sayonara Kid said...

Local Bargain Jerk is right. This is not the league office, this is JuJu. There are rules.

Mustang said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, ALL-CAPS ANONYMOUS

Beana27 said...

Happy birthday ANOYMOUS!!!

joe de pastry said...

Totally agree about Castro.
But don't think Refsnyder is the answer.
Guess we should have signed Daniel Murphy or Neil Walker when we had the chance.
Fuck you, Hal.

Local Bargain Jerk said...


Happy birthday, ANONYMOUS.

Your "that's 4 asses right there" post above just made my day.

Anonymous said...

THANKS LBJ..... THE PAGE IS BRILLIANT.

Anonymous said...

....AND THANKS MUSTANG AND BEANA27.....