President Randy Levine met with President-Elect Donald Trump yesterday.
I'm not making this up. According to news reports - (apparently not fake, although, really, who cares anymore?) - the two carrot-skinned masters of the universe met at Trump Towers for a half-hour Tuesday morning - a session in which they surely discussed the ongoing crises of their parallel worlds... such as...
1. Spending on new infrastructure. Levine told Trump to delay making America great again until 2020, when the Yankees will be ready to make their move. That means launching no massive infrastructure overhaul until old projects have been paid off. One project, though, must not be delayed: The planned 50-foot wall in Yankee Stadium that will keep low-paying bleacher fans from sneaking down into the empty box seats during late innings and blowouts. (Yankee success also hinges on Aaron Judge not being outed as an alien.) In the meantime, America cannot afford free agents. If voters complain, Trump should blame "Lyin Alex'" Rodriguez.
2. Health of the team. Trump told Levine the Yankees must quickly "repeal and replace" the five-man rotation. This sudden change could force Chase Headley and Brett Gardner to pitch, but this will enhance their trade value. Regardless of the immediate consequences, Yankee fans nationwide will jump for joy after being relieved of the crushing burden of the current "worst-ever" rotation. Trump singled out Luis Severino as a "bad dude" who might need to be deported. He noted that the Yankees could have an inside track on developing the first-ever spring training facility at Gitmo.
3. Golden showers. Both men were said to be pissed about a recent stream of yellow journalism, based on leaks, regarding their personal obsessions with being No. 1. Trump produced a steady torrent of concern about fake news that has trickled out calling Hal Steinbrenner a stooge for Redsock interests, who have photos of him enjoying a warm Boston rain with a few peons. To make the Yankees great again, the President-Elect advised, the Yankees cannot sit back and wait for the tinkle of regularity; they must go against the flow!