"With no more games to play or big paychecks to cash, the future can often look bleak to those athletes struggling to adjust and adapt. But help may be on the way. From executive producer Michael Strahan and hosted by Alex Rodriguez, "Back in the Game" (working title), pairs ex-athletes in serious financial distress with money-savvy mentors who can help them get back on their feet."
Episode One: "Called for Clipping." After Joe "Sheriff" Cowley learns about the incredible coupons in his Sunday newspaper, he and Alex go on a wild Dollar Store shopping spree!
Episode Two: "Mm-mm, Meat." Alex and his daughters stage an intervention for penniless Sidney Ponson, teaching him how to collect, dress and cook roadkill pigeons.
Episode Three: "Just Your Size." Alex hits the flea market to buy clothes for Roger Clemens' family. (With special guest Brian Cashman.)
Episode Four: "The Happiness Pyramid." Financial guru Lenny Dykstra outlines an investment strategy guaranteed to double Aaron Small's wealth.
Episode Five: "Controlling the Pulse." Alex shows Heathcliff Slocum how to cheat on a lie-detector test.
Episode Six: "The No-Show Job." Alex reveals the secrets of doing a television show while supposedly working as a full-time coach at $20 million per year.
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Episode Three: "Just Your Size." Alex hits the flea market to buy clothes for Roger Clemens' family. (With special guest Brian Cashman.)
Madcap hilarity ensues when the cast realizes that, after years of taking HGH, no hat can be found to fit Clemens' head, which is the size of a dumpster.
The final scene shows Clemens flying into a rage and beating the piss out of a flea market vendor, after the vendor suggests that Mike Piazza's HOF plaque shows Piazza wearing a Mets hat that fits quite well.
Then Barry Bonds shows up and gets into a shouting match with Clemens, claiming to have a much larger head than the former pitcher and the ability to benchpress four thousand and eighty pounds. Clemens bets the lives of all the vendors that Bonds can't actually do that, but before they can set up the lift, Sammy Sosa drives his SUV into everybody screaming obscenities. Bud Selig makes a cameo appearance to say that high-spirited competition is good for the game of baseball.
Episode 7: Trolling for Tax Dollars. Alex and special guest Kurt "bloody sock" Schilling explore government programs meant to spur economic development and find them useful to fund madcap get-rich schemes. An incredulous panel of Shark Tank-ish private sector entrepreneurs provide color commentary.
Episode 8: "Losing my Religion" Yankee fans, realizing they've been saying "Please, God, give us a new owner" for years, begin to doubt God's continued existence.
Episode 9: God responds to #8. Revealed: Hal, Cashman, and Girardi are Yahweh, Jesus the Christ, and the Holy Spigot.
We morons who read IIH immediately suggest that Cashman be crucified, even if it's NOT yet Good Friday.
Let's not forget the other side of Alex's new show; " Creating a Livable Budget."
1. Allocation for booze and drugs - 12%
2. Entertaining hookers in clubs - 22%
3. Buying jewelry and Prada bags for hookers - 14%
4. Steaks and lobsters ( assume a table for 10 - Hookers, Brian Cashman and a teammate or two ) - 17%
5. Payments on the Maserati - 11%
6. Taxes on mansion in Far Hills, New Jersey - 18%
7. Xmas greetings to former MLB players and ex-coaches -1%
8. Limo services, including 6 pack of chilled Dom Perignon and caviar - 8%
9. Payments for trashing hotel suites - 11%
10. Food and fun for the family -1%
11. Interest on Payday Loan -12%
12. Ammo for Walther PPK -2%
13. Health-aide materials and medicines - 3%
14. New bats to sign at card shows -3%
15. Fee to Alex to balance budget and revenue streams - $150,000.
16. Re-hab at Silver Hill - $45,000
17. Divorce proceedings - $100,000
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