Oh, joy. Waiting for the night when DJ LeMahieu starts at 1B, confirming all our darkest fears about the team we've been sold

Who's on first! God, I'm tired of that old line. And of the only true Yankee answer: Nobody. 

So here's a depressing thought for March: Over the next three weeks, DJ LeMahiue will play a few downs at 1B, because he's now our official future backup. By opening day, either Greg Bird or Luke Voit will be Fed-Exed to Scranton, where if history tells us anything, the guy will plummet into a deep, depressing slump, which might last for the rest of his Yankee career. By carrying only one 1B, the Yankees can keep 12 or 13 pitchers, because they're like screwdrivers: You need a certain head for every situation. 

And when our regular 1B needs a movie night, General Curtis LeMahieu will answer the call. That'll inspire hope, eh? A glove-first utility infielder with a handful of MLB games at the position will play 1B and bat ninth. Shades of Andy Phillips, Josh Phelps, Doug Mientkiewicz, et al - the avalanche of first basemen who came and went during the long and fruitless years of Yankee mediocrity. If there is one commonality for every bad Yankee team in this millennium, it is the lack of a solid first-baseman. And right now, well, we've got a "spring training competition," which is a nice way of saying we got dice rolls. 

I suppose Voit has the inside track. He won the spot last fall, fair and square. But if Bird keeps hitting - see stats - considering the Yankee lack of LH bats, anything can happen. All we know is that the loser will board the bus to Wilkes Barre in a dark and disillusioned state, if he agrees to go at all. Expect him to be hitting below .200 through May, while the bus rides sap his spirit.

I understand why the Yankees will carry only one 1B. I'm not questioning the decision. Whoever wins the job this spring deserves a full shot, not a platoon situation (which would basically give the job to Bird.) Let's see once and for all if Voit can hit like he lifts weights, and whether Bird's sensitive chicken feet can endure a full season. And why not a 12-man pen! The way we go through pitchers, by June 1, Chris Bootcheck will be coming out of retirement. 

Still, brace yourself, everybody: There will be that cold April night night, maybe in Boston or Chicago, when our lineup is posted, and there he will be: DJ LeMahieu, playing first. Close your eyes and it'll be Lyle Overbay. Take in a breath of air, and imagine Travis Ishikawa. We're going through one of "those" periods. Who's on first? Fuck you, that's who.