Virtual Game 6: "Wall of Death" Foils Yanks. Stanton Out With Chorizo Poisoning.

In virtual baseball today, the constantly improvising Tampa Bay Rays, with their current major-league payroll of 48 cents, defeated the New York Yankees, 2-1, thanks to a tactic borrowed from soccer.

With the Rays leading 2-1 in the ninth, the bases loaded and Miguel Andujar up for the Yanks, Tampa brought its entire infield and outfield in to stand within a foot of Andujar, leaving only a tiny slot for reliever Chaz Roe to throw a fastball.

When Yankees manager Ma Boone protested the alignment, the home plate umpire scratched his head and replied, "I dunno, looks okay to me.  Besides, I'd like to see one of these rich little bastards get really fucked up."

Sure enough, Andujar whacked a typical line drive, one that hit Rays first baseman Jean Daux in the forehead, killing him instantly—the first on-field, major-league death since the tragic beaning of Ray Chapman in 1920.  But the ball rebounded from Daux's skull to the catcher, who stepped on home plate, ending the game.

"Just one death in a century of baseball is a pretty good work-safety record, if you ask me," MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred pointed out, in a statement denying the Yankees' appeal of the game.  "Look at the how they've done in comparable occupations, such as coal-mining, commercial fishing, and meat rendering."

Tampa Bay denied charges that the late Mr. Daux was, in fact, a 66-year-old, alcoholic street drifter whom they had signed that morning and put on the field just before aligning the "Wall of Death" around Andujar.

"Hey, he's a legitimate prospect," insisted Rays manager Kevin Cash.  "We got a player named Chaz Roe, we could have one named Jean Daux."

Masahiro Tanaka took the loss, despite seven shutout innings and thirteen strikeouts.  Both the Rays' runs came when Clint Frazier stumbled in the outfield, chasing a flyball.  It was later revealed that the laces of Frazier's shoes had been mysteriously tied together before the inning began.  When asked if he had anything to do with the prank, GM Brian Cashman replied, "No comment.  Bwahahahahaha!"

In another disappointing note for the Yankees, slugger Giancarlo Stanton was felled by food poisoning, after eating a suspiciously aged chorizo he had bought on the street, during his recent, inadvertent side trip to Tampico.

Manager Boone said that Stanton would have been capable of playing if this had been a playoff game, provided the other Yankees did not mind him projectile vomiting on them in the dugout.