Breaking news! Mitchell takes investigation beyond steroids ...

And here are his unbiased conclusions:

1. Aaron Boone used a corked bat on a juiced ball when hitting that 2003 playoff HR. Sox declared winners.

2. Upon further review, Bucky Dent's home run in 1978 was a foul ball. It was a bad camera angle that made it look like it landed fair in the net. Sox declared winners.

3. After studying the tape, it's been determined that Bill Lee actually kicked Graig Nettles' ass in that 1978 brawl, not the other way around.

4. A recount of the 1941 MVP voting is in. Ted Williams actually won, not Joe DiMaggio.

5. Carlton Fisk's 1975 HR that won Game 6 of the 1975 World Series? After a careful review of the tapes, it turns out that was actually Game 7. Sox win series.

6. Bill Buckner actually fielded that grounder cleanly. It was just an odd shadow effect on the film that made it look like it went though his legs. Sox win series.

7. Brian McNamee admits to injecting Bob Gibson with "whatever was illegal back then" before the 1967 World Series. Though he was born in 1967, McNamee asserts that "I was a pretty mature kid," and investigators have no reason to doubt his word. Cardinals DQ'd, Sox win series.

8. Improper language in the trade agreement for Babe Ruth. Deal voided. Yanks DQ'd in all years Ruth played. Sox declared champs in all those seasons, since, you know, they woulda won if Ruth had played for them.