Thursday, December 13, 2007

Mitchell Report excerpt II: On Manny Ramirez

"At times during our exhaustive probe, we became too weary to continue. In those moments, Mr. Manny Ramirez of the World Champion Redsocks provided spirit and dignity, not only in verbal encouragement, but in his delicious protein shakes.

"We thank Mr. Ramirez, not only for his gamesmanship, but for the courage he shows in living a drug-free life, and also for the members of his "posse," with whom this writer was fortunate enough to become particularly close.

"Thanks to Mr. Ramirez' shakes, this former Senator found himself spry enough to dance many a "jig" to the hippity-hop tunes played in his "raves." And if anyone doubts the intensity of my investigation, they are wrong. I probed each of Mr. Ramirez cousins, personnally and satisfactorily, and I look forward to probing them again. Why would anyone need steroids? Linseed oil is a gift from God!"

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