Saturday, December 22, 2007


Exclusive to “IT IS HIGH”

1. In May, shortly before the signing of Roger Clemens, Suzyn Waldman’s brain was surgically replaced by that of a 63-year old, cigar-smoking, bald bartender from American Legion Post 1287 in Chittenango, NY. The change caused Waldman to exhibit violent mood swings during Yankee losses, snorts of disapproval over misplaced bunts and a constant impulse to swish a rag over Joe Torre's forehead.

2. In October, Hank “Stubby” Steinbrenner won his third straight world series ring in the Florida Horse Breeders Association Fantasy Baseball League, displaying what competitors called a "pure genius" knack for dynasty-building. To a man, the fantasy league members describe Stubby as a “crafty,” “diligent” and even “wily,” an organizational dynamo who presents a buffoonish image to lure competitors into carefully laid traps.

3. George Steinbrenner’s health deteriorated markedly in July after an ill-advised attempt to eat 50 eggs in a half-hour, the result of a bet with Gene “Stick” Michael. Upon eating the 50th egg, the elder Steinbrenner “booted worse than Bill Buckner,” according to witnesses. He has not spoken since.

4. The war is over, and there is no recession.

5 (TIE). An secret FBI operative named James Brower infiltrated the Yankee organization for a three week period last summer. He was dispatched on a special mission by U.S. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, who'd become aware of a Scranton player using the name "Alberto Gonzalez." Due to the collapse of the Yankee bullpen, Brower never completed his mission. He was called up to New York, torched and liquidated. He no longer exists.

5. (TIE) The Yankees won the World Series: Fox TV actually aired digitally created "post-season," which was prepared by a billionaire in Dubai seeking to start World War III. In reality, the Yankees swept Cleveland, the Redsocks and the Rockies, playing games on a remote Pacific island. The stands were packed by human clones, who are raised for their organs. Upon winning a “lottery,” they pack for vacations but, in fact, are shipped to a Hormel Foods Plant in Duluth. Watching the Series gave them temporary pleasure. We should all feel good about this.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

This is fine work, Duque.

Punishable by lashings in most middle eastern countries and in their Africa-based alliances. Oh, and in Boston.

The Scranton AG was rumored to be quite adept at handling tricky hops, but reality showed us something different. Once on the big stage , this AG turned into a national joke and failure as well.

I really like the egg thing...reminds me of Paul Newman.