FLASHBACK: Our Predictions for 2007

Originally published Dec. 31, 2006

1. Our tests of ionic cyclical resonances strongly suggest that sometime between October 5-7, a massive explosion of flying gnat hatchlings will disrupt activities in the vicinity of Lake Erie. This will last about 30 minutes and wreak havoc on game conditions. If the Yankees happen to be playing here at this time, they must take precautions!
2. Based on stool sample analysis and magma-plasma flow charts, we believe Carl Pavano’s right elbow is ready to burst into a thousand shards, potentially injuring teammates. We suggest letting him throw a few good innings in spring training, then trade him, immediately.
3. Having studied Kei Igawa since age 7, we do not believe he has the mental capability to succeed in the MLB. We suggest the Yankees consider signing the Japanese relief pitcher, Okijima, who impresses us every time he comes to our home for private screenings.
4. Roger Clemens will come out of retirement, bringing his special version of "pep" to the team.
5. In our long and emotional talks with acting director of operations Steve Swindall, we have come to believe his marriage is shaky. Thus, he is likely to be jettisoned by the Steinbrenner family. We do not know who will be the next owner, but we are pinning our hopes on one thoughtful and insightful son, who has proven himself with the Florida Breeders Association to have the iron will and intellect required of a champion MLB owner.
6. Phil Hughes is our future. We expect him to reach the majors in 2007. But it is critical that he be removed after 5 or 6 innings, thus preserving his arm. This must be done EVEN IF HE IS PITCHING A NO-HITTER. We’d like to repeat that, because some within the Yankee management have shown the tendency to overuse pitchers. Hughes must be held back, EVEN IF HE IS PITCHING A NO-HITTER.
7. Do not see "Pirates of the Caribbean 3." We say this with great sadness, but the advice comes directly from Kiera Knightly, with whom we have slept several times. Often, Ms. Knightly delivered this warning while in a heightened state of arousal, when even such a great actress as she is incapable of lying.
8. The Yankees should not trust Rudy Giuliani with any sensitive documents. We believe he is capable of being turned by the opposition.
9. Alex Rodriguez will have an MVP season in 2007, but the Yankees must not give in to his contractual demands under any circumstances. We’ve had long conversations with Warren Buffett, who assures us that A-Rod intends to stay in New York the rest of his career.
10. To maintain his focus, Kyle Farnsworth needs occasional water-boarding. We have made arrangements with "friends" in the CIA who can accomplish this mission. We hope the team owners will not be squeamish about this necessary activity.