Warning to America: IF THE YANKEES LOSE IN THE FIRST ROUND OF THE PLAYOFFS, WE WILL BURN THIS KORAN

Oh, yes, we put a silly jacket on it, because we haven't lost yet, and there's no sense inflaming international tensions over a simple baseball game, no? But trust me, world, it's the real deal. Alphonso bought it from a street vendor in Tunisia, paid top-dollar, plus some redneck toadlicker candy. It's hardbound, not the paperback edition. (Only the best, at IIH.)

So there you have it, Texas. Think about it, Minnesota.

Yankees lose? Poof. Drew Barrymore as "Firestarter."

Yankee season ends? Screaming season begins.

Simple terms, people, simple terms:

If AJ Burnett is not lights out, we will have no recourse -- none, whatsoever -- but to be "lights-on."

As John would say, let's burn something togethahhhhhhhh. Mwahahahahahahaahahhahahah.