Players we'd consider taking off the Redsocks' hands, when the trade deadline comes

The last place Redsocks have lost 7 in a row, deflating Boston balls on a level that not even Tom Brady can achieve. It's so sad, so, so sad... especially since the franchise spent all of last winter congratulating itself for outwitting the rest of baseball, having folded its cards in mid-July and shedding the dead weight of Jon Lester, Johnny Gomes, etc. Now, they must endure the likes of Joe Kelly and Alan Craig. It breaks your heart.

We must take pity on this lost legion of frat boys - and with more than canned food. Let's think of how the Yankees can help their AL East brethren during this year's purge, when Boston again outsmarts the world.

1. If Boston pays for half of his salary, we'll take Dustin Pedroia for - say - Carlos Beltran and Gregorio Petit. CF Jackie Bradely Jr. will never have to worry about colliding with Beltran, because Carlos doesn't get to right-center. Of course, we don't want to overpay for Pedroia, since he'll be backing up Rob Refsnyder as our utility ace... our new Clay Bellinger.

2. Their Japanese closer - Kenji Somethingorother - (I never bother to learn spelling of Bosock names until the guys clear waivers) - we'll take him as our sixth inning mop up man. They can have Jose Pirela and Garrett Jones and - oh, hell - let's sweeten the deal and give them Chris Capuano. Call me a soft touch. I can't stand to see people in pain.

3. Mookie Betts for Stephen Drew and all our pitchers at Scranton who are over the age of 28. It'll be the first 1 for 12 deal in baseball history. Wait: We can also throw in all our pitchers at Trenton over age 26. They'll need to a bigger boat.

4. Curt Schilling and Pedro Martinez. We buy them outright. They can become special correspondents for Suzyn's Clubhouse Report, but only following Yankee victories. There's no reason why Suzyn - in moments of ecstasy - should have to rush down from the booth; she could turn an ankle. Schill and Pedro can collar the Yankee Star of the Game and ask the tough questions, such as, "How about this Yankee ballclub!"

5. Ben Affleck and Matt Damon for - hm-mm - Billy Crystal? Hate to see B-Cris go, but I'm figuring he can generate some laughs by going to Florida next year and trying out for the Redsocks. Better yet, he might make the team.

Quick, somebody call Ben Cherrington. Tell him its Terry Francona on the line.