Who's on first? Pick up the phone, Mr. Cashman. Our nation turns its lonely eyes to you (woo-woo-woo).

The worst thing that could happen... has happened. We've hit September with nobody to bat third or fourth. Right now, A-Rod couldn't hit water falling out of a boat. And Tex is down for two weeks, at the least. The lugnuts have snapped. The Babadook, who we always knew was under the bed, is out and about.

Who's on first? That's right. No, that's what I'm asking: Who's on first? Right...

If you held your nose and sloshed through the comments at River Ave Monday night, you'd think Greg Bird was the Second Coming of Melky Mesa. Yes, Bird crapped his cage in game one, almost single-handedly giving Boston a game they desperately sought to give us. I don't know what we can expect from the kid this season. Yankee history has many more Maases than Mattinglys. But before condemning Bird, it would be wise to look across the field at Jackie Bradely Jr., who after two dead years and countless punch lines, may be emerging. Rookies don't spring from Zeus's head fully grown. They suck, they goof up, they piss their pantaloons, and it's why old salt managers hate to stuff them into pennant races. Bird's 2 HR game seems like a 100 years ago. I bet nothing in his life can match the sensory overload of the last two weeks. He's not a failure; he's just not the answer right now. At the least, we need somebody who can save Bird from tough lefties. I'm sorry, folks, but Austin Romine isn't enough.

Mr. Cashman, it's time to visit the thrift shop with a twenty dollar bill.

This was always Cashman's gift: Picking spare parts from scrap heaps. This year, there was no open wound needing to be cheaply healed. Now... it's here.

Some will say it's too late, waiver deals are complicated, and it's hard to sneak somebody through the ranks. Those people are idiots. The Cubs yesterday got Austin Jackson. Breaking the rules is what lawyers are for. Fortunately, the Yankees outwitted Toronto by giving them first place, so the Jays cannot block a waiver deal. Meanwhile, we stopped them from adding David Robertson yesterday. (We claimed Robertson off waivers, so Chicago couldn't ship him to Toronto. And last night, by the way, the Jays' closer couldn't close. Hah! Take that, Comrade Bautista!)

Mr. Cashman, it's time to visit the recycling bin.

We have nobody else. We waived Garrett Jones, who was supposed to back up Tex: (Not complaining; he is a terrible fielder.) We replaced him with Dustin Ackley, a 2B-OF who was hitting .215 at Seattle. In Ackley's MLB career, he has started five (5) games at 1B. He made one error. He hasn't played 1B in two years. Good luck and godspeed.

Stephen Drew can play 1B. Why would we want that? Brendan Ryan can play 1B. What would be the point? A-Rod says he cannot play 1B. Let's take him at his word. Let's let A-Rod deal with hitting, considering that right now, he's not.

Somewhere out there is our three-week rental. He's probably pushing 35. He's a disappointment to everyone, including himself. He couldn't do 20 sit-ups if the fate of mankind hung in the balance. But a few years ago, he hit 25 HRs and looked like a future star. Steve Pearce? Carlos Pena? Jason Morneau? Allen Craig? Make us an offer somebody. And Mr. Cashman... PICK UP THE PHONE.