Tuesday, February 7, 2017

His truth is marching on! Tex is going to ESPN!

At last, the media cleansing demanded by America is here! The pearl-clutching, penthouse-raised, panty-bunching Polly Purebreds of the pissant press is facing a long-prophesized purge. Megyn Kelly is the future Miss Today, Greta van Facelift is on MSNBC, and Alex Jones is coast-to-coast at war with the alien lizard people. Soon to come: Live with Regis and Kellyanne!

Today, ESPN - the planet's most anti-American news outlet after Pyongyang Today - will buckle under populist pressure and name the great Mark Teixeira as its newest talking meat stick. Between A-Rod and Tex, the Yankees will finally be heard in national debates about aerobic instructors and homeopathic treatments. The mere notion of Tex appearing on ESPN - where anti-Yankee screeds are part of the corporate DNA - is the equivalent of Fox News hiring Huma Aberdin. This is the network that gave a new life to Yankee-hater Curt Schilling, after he nearly bankrupted the state of Rhode Island. It's about time we had a place at the table.

When I listen to the ESPN Putin-puppets blather about the Yankees, it's like the radio stations on Hotel Rwanda, where they're encouraging genocide upon "roaches." When they talk about Yankees and the Hall, they're usually referring to Mel Hall. Watching Tex on this blatantly Redsock-leaning channel will inspire conflicted emotional and physical responses - the kind that, for me, are only matched by that red-haired Irritable Bowel Movements lady on TV. Let's hope Tex offers a ray a truth, and does not come off looking like Wolf Blitzer in an ISIS hostage video. He'll broadcasting from behind enemy lines. Whenever he appears on screen, you won't see the gun held to his head.

Whenever Trump rips the media, calling reporters the most dishonest people in the world, it's clear to me that he is a Yankee fan talking about ESPN. And dammit, he's right! Yesterday, his new revelations that the media is covering up terrorist strikes has raised a seed of hope: Maybe the Yankees DID win the World Series last year, but those fucking Gammonite bastards in Bristol covered it up. Let's expose this shit! Let's get some answers! I mean - if you think about it, nothing adds up: El Chapo was a Yankee, then he was a Cub, now he's a Yankee again? IT MAKES NO SENSE! WHO THE HELL IS PULLING THE WOOL OVER OUR EYES? SOROS?

One point that must be added: ESPN has made a very smart move. Remember "Foul Territory," the brief YouTube comedy bits that Tex did a few years back, channeling the late Chris Farley? To see an active player actually show comedic spark made it clear that Tex was destined for a career in broadcasting. If it hadn't happened, it would be a scandal. I predict he will quickly become ESPN's most popular baseball announcer.

Congratulations, Tex! Now, when you get the chance, punch out that little squirt Pedro Martinez, and let the takeover begin!

3 comments:

KD said...

Let's hope Tex doesn't develop Stockholm Syndrome. And speaking of ex-Yankees, did you guys see A-Rod at the Super Bowl?

John M said...

How did I miss A-Rod? I thought I watched the whole thing, front to back. Damn.

Tom said...

The smart money says that Tex, looking to prove he's a straight shooter, finds things to criticize the Yankees for relentlessly. Hopefully, he saw what happened to Tiki Barber, who spent 10 years in the sports-industrial desert since he called Coughlin and Eli losers just before they won the Super Bowl and was only recently thrown a bone for a very bad Geico commercial. But Tex will want to show that he's a baseball commentator, not a Yankee homer. On top of which, he doesn't strike me as the sort of glib, fast-talking guy who gets the most airplay on ESPN. He's more like David Diehl, the former Giants lineman now calling games for FOX whose muscle-bound tongue can't unleash a simple metaphor without tripping. Just another broadcast-booth back-bencher looking a bit uncomfortable in front of the camera in a too-tight suit.

Truth be told, I'd like it if Tex would rip into Cash and Hal for failing, but he'll probably focus on some of the players' missteps to show he's not a shill.