Tuesday, February 7, 2017
Posted by el duque at 7:27 AM
Today, ESPN - the planet's most anti-American news outlet after Pyongyang Today - will buckle under populist pressure and name the great Mark Teixeira as its newest talking meat stick. Between A-Rod and Tex, the Yankees will finally be heard in national debates about aerobic instructors and homeopathic treatments. The mere notion of Tex appearing on ESPN - where anti-Yankee screeds are part of the corporate DNA - is the equivalent of Fox News hiring Huma Aberdin. This is the network that gave a new life to Yankee-hater Curt Schilling, after he nearly bankrupted the state of Rhode Island. It's about time we had a place at the table.
When I listen to the ESPN Putin-puppets blather about the Yankees, it's like the radio stations on Hotel Rwanda, where they're encouraging genocide upon "roaches." When they talk about Yankees and the Hall, they're usually referring to Mel Hall. Watching Tex on this blatantly Redsock-leaning channel will inspire conflicted emotional and physical responses - the kind that, for me, are only matched by that red-haired Irritable Bowel Movements lady on TV. Let's hope Tex offers a ray a truth, and does not come off looking like Wolf Blitzer in an ISIS hostage video. He'll broadcasting from behind enemy lines. Whenever he appears on screen, you won't see the gun held to his head.
Whenever Trump rips the media, calling reporters the most dishonest people in the world, it's clear to me that he is a Yankee fan talking about ESPN. And dammit, he's right! Yesterday, his new revelations that the media is covering up terrorist strikes has raised a seed of hope: Maybe the Yankees DID win the World Series last year, but those fucking Gammonite bastards in Bristol covered it up. Let's expose this shit! Let's get some answers! I mean - if you think about it, nothing adds up: El Chapo was a Yankee, then he was a Cub, now he's a Yankee again? IT MAKES NO SENSE! WHO THE HELL IS PULLING THE WOOL OVER OUR EYES? SOROS?
One point that must be added: ESPN has made a very smart move. Remember "Foul Territory," the brief YouTube comedy bits that Tex did a few years back, channeling the late Chris Farley? To see an active player actually show comedic spark made it clear that Tex was destined for a career in broadcasting. If it hadn't happened, it would be a scandal. I predict he will quickly become ESPN's most popular baseball announcer.
Congratulations, Tex! Now, when you get the chance, punch out that little squirt Pedro Martinez, and let the takeover begin!