Monday, February 6, 2017

We must NOT bow to our Boston overlords, but it's time for one certain person to step up

Today, we sit in disbelief, terrified by the implications from last night, as we watched the numbers roll across our screens. Victory had seemed a lock. Now, we'll spend the rest of our lives wondering if they had spent more time on attack, rather than conceding ground, the impending disaster could have been averted. It doesn't matter what we think. What's done is done. Boston rules the football world, and it now is poised to conquer baseball, too.

The worst thing that could happen... is upon us.

Meanwhile, we are watching the Knickification of New York sports. Our former rivalry with Boston - let's not kid ourselves any more - has disappeared along with Hal Steinbrenner... the boy owner who is now cowering under his bed, counting the days until his luxury taxes end. Boston can walk away with the 2017 AL East, and we will be expected to celebrate how Hal saved a few shiny thin dimes. Shall we hold a parade down the Canyon of Deductions? Instead of a pennant flag, shall we fly his spreadsheet over Yankee Stadium? Will we simply lie down while Boston wins multiple championships?

Oh, wait... maybe the Cubs can stop them! Or the Mets, or Cleveland... some team with an actual five-man rotation - as opposed to our three-man weave. Who needs a fourth and fifth starter anyway, when you've got the city of Scranton on retainer? Maybe Bryan Mitchell will emerge out of nowhere to win 20! And Chad Green will be the Surprise of 2017! Let's write in "TBA" and go drinking. While Boston parties, we'll go to the movies. Let's see what's on. A new Matt Damon flick! And Ben Affleck! And Casey Affleck! How many fucking Afflecks are there? They'll fight with Mark Wahlberg and Dennis Leary over who plays Brady. The loser will be Andrew Benintendi. Meanwhile, we can watch TV - like, huh? - Rachel Maddow? WTF? THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD IS MOVING TO BOSTON!

For the record: I'm not suggesting the Yankees trade prospects for a pitcher. Screw that. It's simply time for Prince Hal to do something more than making cringe-worthy statements about Aroldis Chapman's personal choices.

Travis Wood is out there. Doug Fister is out there. Jared Weaver, CJ Wilson, Jonathon Niese, Chien-Ming Wang - yeah, none is a Cy Young, but they are out there, trolling our Facebook pages like Ted Nugent, begging for a one-and-out. Meanwhile, Hal struts around like that red-haired lady who plays Irritable Bowel Syndrome on the TV commercials, pretending our rotation is secure in just the way the Falcons last night started planning their victory dance videos. Last week, Hal said Yankee fans should forget El Chapo's domestic abuse. What he meant was that we should forget that we have a three-man rotation followed by the cast of Stranger Things II. 

We are at least one veteran starter shy of challenging the Redsock '17 Hall of Fame Superteam of Destiny (TM.) I mock them with that phrase, hoping they won't be as good as they think they are. But it sure would be a shame if, for all their stumbling, they still walk away with the AL East... because we were left to cheer Prince Hal's frugality.


KD said...

we must summon our most powerful juju this coming season. It's all we have to fight Boston. we can't rely on our team's skill or our ownership's moxie and grit. we're left with only the supernatural to combat talent and intelligence.

what could go wrong?

Tom said...

There is no God. Or I've been worshipping the wrong one my whole life. After last night, which played out like Election Night, I am at a loss, convinced there is no meaning to life as I once understood it. Boston sucks?

Anonymous said...

El Cheapo (Prince Hal) already stated that his goal is to get under the luxury tax, NOT WIN THE WORLD SERIES!!!!!!!!!!! He also didn't indicate that after this is accomplished that he would open up his pocket book. I think his next excuse will be to get Yankee Stadium paid off . I'm not holding my breath that "winning is second only to breathing" from this Steinbrenner clan. I hope Yankee fans stay away in droves until El Cheapo shows that he is serious about winning it all. -m

Anonymous said...


el duque said...

The Irritable Bowel woman is the scariest thing on TV. If my irritable bowels were standing next to me, ordering me around, wearing tights, and nobody else could see or hear them, I would be terrified. (She's a little hot, though. I could see jumping those bowels.)

Local Bargain Jerk said...

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Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

She's more than a little hot, Duque - - she IS hot! She reminds me of a younger version of Kathy Griffin (and I love me some KG!!) 'Course, I've always had a real soft-spot for red-heads (ladies only).

My solution to this dilemma, though, is for us Yankee-fans to start a petition to El Cheapo: RELEASE YOUR TAX-RETURNS!! NOW!!

Thanks for the line, LBJ - - Ilana Becker is pretty hot, even without any make-up.I say, let's see more of her, soon - - but not as a dancer, please. LB (No J)