Thursday, February 21, 2019

Dear Hal: Sign Dallas Keuchel already, and win the AL East!

Hello, Darkness, my old friend,

What if I told you there is currently a 31-year-old starter still on the market, a certifiable Yankee nemesis who threw 204 innings last year with a 3.74 ERA, and all he will cost you is piss

That's right, amigo. Piss. Because let's face it: to an old-money, country-clubbing billionaire like you, that's what money is. It's zeros in a bank account that your children's children's children will never empty, and no shiny new yacht or underground survival bunker will ever bring you as much joy as a parade down the Canyon of Heroes... which, by the way, would also let you escape going down in history as the cheap little man who turned the New York Yankees into the Padres of the East. What if I told you that?

Well, that's what I'm saying. The name, of course, is Dallas Keuchel, and as you read this, he is waiting beside his phone with a Yankee cap and a Norelco, and if you make the call, he will instantly complete our rotation, vault us ahead of Boston and maybe save - along with your deteriorating reputation - the life of Mr. CC Sabathia.

That's right. I'm talking about a great Yankee warrior who is now saddling up in the hope of pitching another full season, barely three months after undergoing emergency angioplasty. If you seriously intend to trot out CC every fifth day, I hope you keep a defibrillator nearby. It's your choice: You can give him extra rest - make him the sixth starter - or you can run him like a sled dog. Happy trails. 

Oh, and you can also maybe put an end to this Boston dynasty business.

That's right, sir. Because despite the moo-ings of the Yankee courtier press, Boston remains the team to beat in the AL East. In case you've forgotten, they have the reigning MVP (Betts), a rapidly ascending star (Benintendi), three Cy Young candidates (Sale, Price and Porcello), a potential breakout star (Devers) and baseball's best pure hitter (Martinez.) Meanwhile, the Yankees are banking on a "comeback" by Gary Sanchez and the improbable Second Coming of Troy Tulowitzky, a truly heartwarming tale that water-carrying Gammonites love to sell, but one that simply doesn't add up over the course of a long, grueling season. But what do you care; he came cheap, right?

The Redsocks have sat quietly all winter, savoring their rings. This has given Yankee fans a false sense of security. I would suggest you not sleep on Boston. Soon, they'll sign someone, as they did last year around this time. Apparently, you will sit out the auction for Bryce Harper, as you did Manny Machado - two stars who would have pushed this team into supremacy. Now, there is Keuchel, a potential ace and rotation linchpin. Are you going to count your money and let him go, too? 

It's all piss, Mr. Hal. If you want, you can swim in it. But when the Yankee rotation falls apart this summer - and it will, we all know this - you'll be scrambling to drain the already weakened farm system for somebody just like Keuchel. You can do it now, or you can do it later. It's all piss, Mr. Hal. How much of it do you want to horde?

12 comments:

Anonymous said...

OUR NEW M.O.

DO JUST ENOUGH TO CONTEND FOR THE TITLE...

....AND NO MORE THAN THAT.

HAL TRIES TO SEE HOW CHEAPLY HE CAN GET IT DONE.

IF IT DOESN'T WORK OUT?

HE WILL DO THE SAME NEXT SEASON.

NO PROBLEM.

John M said...

"Tulowitzki 'can't wait' to prove himself to Yankees

"Troy Tulowitzki, who missed all of last season with the Blue Jays due to injuries, says he's healthy and excited about chasing a World Series title with the Yankees."

Whatta ya worryin' about? And da touts say we're da favorite to win da East.

Stop wit'the doom-and-gloom awreddy. Jeez Louise.

Anonymous said...

Hey what happened to Cleveland trading one of their pitchers?

As far as doing another FA signing...

I'm not 100% but I think this has to do with the 40 man roster.

I don't know the day that players on the 40 man roster can go on the DL (Jacoby, Montgomery etc.) but until then, adding someone means sending someone else through waivers so the Yankees can't add anyone.

Not saying they would BTW. But I believe that's the reason you have guys like Harper and Keuchel are still not signed. The teams that are planning on doing it are keeping their roster intact until they can use the DL to free the spot.

Or they could just be cheap. Or both.

Doug K.

13bit said...

Dead-on, Senor Duque, dead-on. That being said, I am going to sit right back and watch them do absolutely nothing.

ranger_lp said...

Someone agrees with you...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BzNnbq33LWk

Anonymous said...

Yankee fans are the most spoiled and worse fandom in sports. All they care about are superstars and money. They are the most plastic and fake fans. They are abandoning their team cause it doesn't have the highest payroll even though they are favored to win the AL east. Fuck Harper. Fuck Machado. Fuck all FAKE Yankees fans. They don't deserve Judge, Severino, Torres, Andujar.

And watch how these fakes will be up Tulo's ass when he plays well. Fuck you elduque you fake fan.

Local Bargain Jerk said...


Based on the diction, vocabulary, and elocution, I'd say Anonymous is either Donald Trump or a troll. Since he or she didn't call Duque an "enemy of the people", I'll go with troll.

13bit said...

Who’s abandoning the Yankees? This moron doesn’t even know that New Yorkers love to complain. I’m so tired of people who hide behind the veil of anonymity on the Internet. What a week little, fear-based morons they are. The best thing is to ignore trolls, which I am not doing here, but which I will start doing as soon as I tap “publish.”

13bit said...

“Weak,” SIRI, I said “weak!”

Joe Formerlyof Brooklyn said...


Addressing the comments about Yankee fans being blah, blah, and blah:

When I was in 4th grade, I came to believe four things:

1. The best ice cream in the world was served at Spumoni Gardens (L&B) in my native Bensonhurst -- a very short walk from my house. Damn good Sicilian pizza, too!

2. Jesus was God. Catholic Priests were here to take care of us = save our souls and provide sage guidance for living.

3. The US was the bestest country in the world, could do no wrong. Never ever.

4. The Yankees were gonna win the World Series. Every damn year!

NOW = one zillion years later. I still believe in numbers 1 and 4......

HoraceClarke66 said...

Demanding quality is how you build excellence, son. It's what separates us from the apes, and the Orioles fans.

This is the big town. The cultural capital of the world. Home of the Great White Way. They say the neon lights are bright here, pal-ly—and they fucking well are.

Some local sports owners seem to think they now own teams in Oklahoma City, where the fans are just overjoyed to come out and see, well, anything.

Not so. You want to charge these prices, serve up these rate turds...well, it's gonna cost you. Go big or go home to Tampa, or whatever other half-real, absurd, soon-to-be-covered-by-waves facsimile of a town you dwell in, Hal.

Anonymous said...

In accord with the sentiment, duque - - except - - I'll swap your Keuchel for my Harper - - and your horde for my hoard.

Joe FOB, I used ta' believe ONE of those four things - - and it wasn't one, two, or three...Now - - I believe in NONE of them. LB (No J)