Tuesday, February 5, 2019

If Cashman can trade Jacoby Ellsbury, I hereby forgive him for Sonny Gray

Supposedly, the once-proud San Francisco Giants have reached the point where they are peering out over the precipice, staring wide-eyed into the fiery anus of death, and pondering a trade for Jacoby Ellsbury. 

I'm talking about the team of Willie, Stretch and the planet-sized skull of Barry Bonds... the city of Bullitt, Grace Slick and Scott McKenzie. They're considering The Chief. So if you're going to San Francisco, be sure to wear some flowers in your hair. Summertime will be a love-in there. 

To the Giants, I say... BRAVO! Securing Jacoby is a flat-out brilliant move. 

Jake is rested, tested and raring to go. Write him into the lineup, and he'll bat lead-off, play CF and ignite the West Coast offense. He's big in the post-season - important, because the Giants with the Ell Train will become the NL team to beat. He'll teach the kids a thing or two because he's seen a thing or two. He'll unite the tribes and become King of the North.

I'm not just saying this to hear myself jabber. I mean it. Ellsby's mission in New York has been accomplished. He's taught us the one essential truth about America: Money is piss, and the sparrow is immortal. It's time to move on to another city, another sunset, another adventure.

I know, I know... Some of you are down on Jake because of the contract thingy. Boo to you. If you're angry because a player signed a big contract, don't blame the player. Blame the front office. Blame the juju gods. Blame the hallucinations caused by staring wide-eyed into the fiery anus of death. Bad contracts are a part of life. So are injuries. The E-Bury didn't fake his barking lumbago last season. It happened. The guy needs a new town and another chance. The worst thing that could happen would be trying again in New York. 

In return for 'Coby Beef, the Yankees get to be a team without 'Coby Beef. They might receive an equally bad contract, if such a thing exists. The rumor mill says Johnny Cueto might come our way. He will miss the 2019 season with TJ surgery. He's 33, with three years left on a $63 million stack of larded papers. The Yankees would write him off this year and hope for comeback in 2020. 

This is where Cooperstown Cashman must earn his pay. Somewhere in the middle, the numbers can even out a trade between Dinglebury and the Cuet. Somebody needs to throw in a Shane Robinson, and everybody is happy.

Finding a happy home for Ellsy would be one of the nicest moments of this gloomy winter. It would also eliminate a bullshit Yankee excuse for not bidding on Bryce Harper: That the outfield is "too crowded." Of course, it won't matter. Everything is money. All across the nation. Such a strange vibration. People in motion. There's a whole generation. With a new explanation. People in motion. People in motion. But maybe in San Francisco, he's gonna find some gentle people there. 


Anonymous said...

Eloquent. If only, but the last time I looked Owsley was dead.

Doug K.

KD said...

duque, can't you weave Bumgarner into this fantasy?

I needs hope.

John M said...

My heart leapt with joy at the possibility of the Giants giving Els a chance. He's only 35, after all, and he hasn't played for so long, it's like he's 27.

The air in SF is kind of cool and damp, though. On the other hand, it's obviously easy to get HGH there.

Yeah, old Els will meet some groovy people there. Good luck to him.

13bit said...

I, too, would forgive him Sonny Gray, even if I never forget it.

I would take two bursting-at-the-seams paper bags of dog shit in exchange. Better yet, take him, he's yours...

Let's send a prayer up - or down - to any deities you choose.

Alphonso said...

It is not going to take place.


Move on.

ranger_lp said...

Has Els resumed baseball activities? Can't find a link anywhere for that. LOL.

Joe Formerlyof Brooklyn said...


"staring wide-eyed into the fiery anus of death"

Of all of the things I've read and learned here, this one scares the bejudas out of me.

Alphonso said...

How difficult can it be? You absorb all the financials and give the other team their choice of any three Yankees.

If we offered that ( Severino, Torres, and Andujar ), someone is sure to bite.

As long as we get nothing in return. Not even an 8th round draft pick.

M.C. Antil said...

For what it's worth, just three minutes before reading your response I texted the word "bejesus" to a buddy. I didn't like the way it looked on the screen. I like the look of "bejudas" a whole lot better -- even if I like the sound of "bejesus" better. If you don't mind, I think I'm going to appropriate it for all future written occasions for usage. Cheers! And thanks!!!

Alphonso said...

If it is a simple choice between being Jesus or Judas.....then I leave out in your good hands.

Whoever can help the Yankees gets my vote.

Parson Tom said...

Judas had 30 pieces of silver ... so he had that going for him

Carl Weitz said...

Actually, the Yankees would be on the hook for at least 71 million (okay a few hundred thousand less) because Cueto will make almost 22 for the next 3 years and then in 2022 a 5 million buyout if they don't pick up the option year. Jacoby is owed 21 million per the next 2 years and like Johnny C. a 5 million buyout for a total of 47 million. So that means the Yankees would be on the hook for another 25 million.

At least trading Ells would also be like selling a tax write off when you consider the Yankees have an insurance policy that pays 15.8 million if he isn't on the 25 man roster over 75% of his salary. Except SF would be paying the insurance premium. So, I'd think that the Giants would have to kick in towards that 25 million difference (not counting Jacob's insurance).

If his surgery is successful, the Yankees could have a good rotation piece for 2021 and 2022. I'm not sure how much sense this swap would make for the Yankees even if they get rid of Ellsbury from a financial standpoint. And we know that is all important to Hal.