Tuesday, February 19, 2019

The wellspring of hope is tapped and flowing in Tampa

The annual spring gush is gushing, and - holy crap! - she's a gusher! Have you noticed the excitement, the positive vibes? Every Yankee prospect (except Michael King) is a future star, every former disappointment (except Mr. Ellsbury) has a new focus, and everybody (except Larry Rothschild) is rock-ribbed, anvil-armed and "in the best shape of his career." Some thoughts from the whacked reality of Yankee camp:

1. Miguel Andjuar has worked tireless all winter on his dance steps. That was his problem last year: Footwork. Even Aaron Boone, a former 3B, visited the Migalodon for personal instruction. If Miggy can play 3B without airmails into the Hudson, the Yankees can overtake Boston. If he cannot, he's a 23-year-old Presidential emergency declaration.  

2. This winter, Jonathan Loaisiga hired a personal trainer to strengthen his shoulder. Good idea, Johnny! Everybody loves the plate of Lasagna, in part because our alternatives are a) Luis Cessa, b) Domingo German and c) the cast of Rick and Morty. But at times, it just seems as if his tiny body cannot handle the strain of his own pitches. He throws hard... then, poof. But he's healthy now! Go, Johnny, go!

3. Giancarlo Stanton has come to acknowledge his great fortune: He signed one of the last massive contracts before the ownership collusion machine went into effect: I suspect Manny Machado and Bryce Harper secretly hate him, because he and Joginson Cano have become NY poster boys - (with Mr. Ellsbury) - for never giving anybody a long term contract. Soon, it won't matter. At the end of 2020, the collective bargaining agreement between the players and owners will expire. That will unleash the hounds of Hell. Gio won't need to worry about his financial future. But if wants to be popular at the Home Run Derby, he better hit.

4. Zach (Zack!) Britton had a secret leg injury last year in the playoffs. He hurt his calf, had an MRI and was not available for game three. Donno what the hell that means now. But with El Chapo and Betances always riding their psycho-emotional roller coasters, Britton looks like a consistent closer who survives on guile rather than wild animal heat. He won't strike out the side, but he might close an inning on four pitches. Looking at Boston's bullpen, it's a wonder they let the Yankees outbid them on this guy. But he's ours, calf and all.

5. Troy Tulowitsky convinced the Yankees to sign him after a private workout for the team's brain trust. He looked great, took seven rounds of hitting. Thus far, it's been a perfect marriage, a love fest! Then again, he just showed up, hasn't taken a grounder. The Yankees have a three-headed shortstop - Tulo, Gleyber and Didi - but it's easy to foresee them with nobody, nada, zilch. Tyler Wade, come on down!

Overall view: Everything is beautiful. This team could win 120!

23 comments:

13bit said...

I'm, like, so stoked, dude. We are going to be un-fucking-stoppable. Like, NObody can touch us. Let's get real here. We almost don't even have to play the games. Done deal. Brian, you did it again! Ten years in a row of WINNING. I'm almost tired of all the winning. SO MUCH FUCKING WINNING. My balls hurt from the winning. No, but like, seriously, dude, who can come close to us? Pass me that joint, okay? Oh shit, that's right, I don't smoke. Good week to start smoking crack if you can pull it off. Stop hogging that crack stem, Hal!

Carl J. Weitz said...

Bird will be much better this year. The guy we saw hot 12 Hr In spring training 2 years ago. Sanchez has to be considerably improved and the 2 kids continue to grow. A better bench,starters and pen. So my pre-spring major injury prediction:101+ wins.

JM said...

Wait a minute. We can get Rick and Morty?

What the fuck are we waiting for?

Anonymous said...

CHRIS CARTER WILL RETURN ON A MINOR LEAGUE DEAL ANY DAY NOW!

SO EXCITING!

CAN WE CONVINCE LYLE OVERBBAY TO TAKE THE MINOR LEAGUE DEAL TOO? (HOW OLD IS HE NOW)?

THIS WAY WE HAVE BACK-UP FIRST BASE OPTIONS FROM THE LEFT AND RIGHT SIDE!

I'M STARTING TO THINK LIKE COOP!

I'M A FUCKING GENIUS!

Anonymous said...


John M,

We're not getting Rick or Morty. Too expensive.

I read in the Post that the Yankees decided to sign Johhny Quest and Haji instead. A scout who attended their workout said both looked REALLY good.

Doug K.

Anonymous said...

Oh and Hal's interest in buying a cricket team in India has nothing to do with the signing. Haji's still got some great baseball left in him.

Doug K.

13bit said...

I'm rubbing my power ring and saying the secret oath over and over.

This is going to be an amazing ride. This year is it!

OPERATIONAL DEATH STAR, FOLKS!

125 wins!

YEAH!!!

I love you, Brian! Thank you, Hal. You are so good to us!!!!


Anonymous said...

DEATH STAR...

MORE LIKE A GLOW STICK.

13bit said...

GREATEST TEAM IN HISTORY, NOT LIKE THOSE STINKY OLD SOX

WE LOVE YOU, HAL

YOU'RE TOO GOOD TO US

KD said...

Hal wouldn't sign Rick. He wouldn't even sign Morty. He'd sign Jerry, the unemployed loser, at league minimum.

13bit said...

People of this blog. We are writing - as registered agents for Mr Bit - to inform you that he has been temporarily and painlessly disabled until we can determine the cause of his delusions. We'll give him the keys back once we get the meds straight. In the meantime, carry on with your regularly scheduled programming.

KD said...

...glowstick.. *snort*!!

Anonymous said...

Manny to the Padres for 10/300. Glad we dodged that bullet. Still holding out hope for the left handed Vegas kid

Anonymous said...

Re: Manny

That is good. Amazing that he got that much and that many years. I guess SD had to "overpay" to get him. Glad we don't have to face him. Now we get to keep AnDUjar! Let's get Harper and start to work on those 120 Wins El Duque promised us.

Doug K.

HoraceClarke66 said...

Is Boras his agent? Man, I want that guy to be my life agent.

Incredible he got that with basically no one bidding against him. It also implies that he really wanted to go with a winner, somewhere.

I can just picture him talking to Coops and Hal: "Seriously, dudes? Your shortstop even got hurt. And you're going with Tulo? Man, why not bring back Luis Aparicio? He'd have more range!'

HoraceClarke66 said...

But yes, I totally agree with you guys on everything, Last night I went for a walk out in the desert, and I met a talking coyote there who told me that he's been working out with Ellsbury this winter and the guy is MONDO pumped.

Also, Sanchez now has an iron groin, and Bird can actually fly. I wanted to ask him about the starters but just then I found myself in a boat on the Harlem River, and this chick with crazy eyes was calling my name.

Goo goo g'joob, motherfuckers!

ranger_lp said...

Machado signs with Padres...

Vampifella said...

Finally, Manny is off the board! Now we'll see in a year or two if we dodged a bullet or made a huge mistake. 10 years, $30 a year...that feels like the Cano thing, where it was affordable enough but the Yanks wanted 2 or 3 less years.

I wonder if they'll get Harper as well? The cheap tanking Padres getting the two top free agents for a decade would be nothing short of astonishing.

13bit said...

There is a God! I'm so happy we did not get Manny.

HoraceClarke66 said...

I think we should have signed him. But more than that, we should sign Harper. We will not.

Anonymous said...

Of COURSE we won't, Hoss; wadda' ya' think, Halligator Arms is suddenly gonna' find the jack?? Better chance-a' bringing back the Babe.

Two years from now, all of us will be thanking Hal for his Whiz-dumb, and worshipping the rappeller from Coop-town. LB (No J).

TheWinWarblist said...

Oh bitty, poor sweet addled bitty.

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