Saturday, October 31, 2009

Lee Marvin's ex-girlfriend dies

OK, it's not Farah Fawcett, but she's the best we've got.

Celebrity death = Yankee victory.

Letter to the Editor: A Courageous Stance by a Philadelphian

The Philadelphia Daily News
October 29, 2009

Dear Editor,

I'm not a sports person, but I'm rooting for the Phils to beat those damn Yankees.

New York City is overpriced and overrated and what a feeling it would be to knock those arrogant jerks off their self-important pedestals.

A bunch of loud, ignorant, psuedo-sophisticated, ahem, people.

Go, Phils!

Donna Di Giacomo

Letter to the Editor: The urgent case for robot umps!

Calgary Sun (Alberta)
October 29, 2009

Dear Editor

Steven Spielberg is producing a movie, Real Steel, about robot boxers. The real sports world needs not robot boxers but robot umpires. Tim McClelland, not even looking at the play, believed in his heart that the New York Yankees' Nick Swisher did not tag up; robots have no hearts. Phil Cuzzi did not see the Minnesota Twins' Joe Mauer's double land fair down the line; robots would employ the Hawk-Eye officiating system used in tennis.

The robot behind the plate would use the pitch f/x zone system to call balls and strikes. Pressure-activated bases and radio-transmitting baseballs would allow robots to decide if the runner's foot touched the bag before the ball hit the baseman's glove. Purists argue that more use of instant replay/robots would slow down the game. On the contrary, it would speed it up because managers and players would not waste time arguing with robots. The robots also would make the pitcher pitch every 20 seconds.


"A ship is safe in harbor, but that's not what ships are for.” It is time to vote for YANKEE EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH.

Yes, we are war.

Yes, we face great challenges.

No, we cannot ignore destiny.

The nominees:

Derek Jeter, leadership/hitting

Juan Miranda, HR in cup of coffee

Freddie Guzman, post-season speed demon

Suzyn Waldman, shattered WS gender barrier

John Sterling, 7.00+ WinWarbles

Bernie Williams, tossed out first ball

Chad Gaudin, perfect in the post

Sonny Hight, security chief, keeping us safe

Kate Hudson, life-coach/therapist

CC Sabathia, leadership/pitching

Kei Igawa, Scranton rock of stability

Damaso Marte, Mr. Paw of South

Mariano Rivera, leadership/closing

They've done their part.
Now it's up to you, the general public.


Deadspin deadon: "Why Yankee Stadium Sucks"

It's actually part of a series, a celebration of negativity, in which they tell everybody why their ballpark sucks. Unfortunately, in this case, they are right, and we should not live in denial.


There was a House that Ruth Built
Beloved throughout the town.
It didn’t please the millionaires,
And so they tore it down.

It didn’t have a steak house.
No discos could be found.
The catered boxes were too few,
And so they tore it down.

They wailed about necessity,
Each face portrayed a frown,
But ticket prices were too low,
And so they tore it down.

They cried about tradition.
Great anguish, all around.
But money calls the shots these days,
And so they tore it down.

They’ll tell you how the clubhouse stank,
From sewers underground.
They never thought of fixing things.
They simply tore it down.

Oh, somewhere, fans still celebrate,
Great ballparks of renown.
There'll be no joy in Mudville.
They went and tore it down.

Friday, October 30, 2009

Letter to the Editor: He Would Laugh as We Were Being Slaughtered

The Globe and Mail (Canada)
October 29, 2009

Dear Editor,

Thanks for the juxtaposition of Jeff Blair's piquant deconstruction of the New York Yankees' financial empire (The Great Yankee Cash Cow - Sports, Oct. 28), and Bob Levin's explanation of Why It's So Easy To Hate The Yankees (Sports, Oct. 28). Mr. Levin says "rooting for the Yankees is like rooting for Goliath, for Wal-Mart, for global warming." He might add that, in these late days of gilded-age capitalism, it's also like rooting for Bernie Madoff and all the other Ponzi schemers and cheats.

I recall Gwen Verdon in the Broadway show Damn Yankees in 1955. In those days, the Yankees were merely great ballplayers; now they and their owners are the Croesus of what we call sport.

Obviously, those of us who think still hate them.

Geoff Smith
Kingston, Ont.

Exclusive: A Scientific Analysis of the THUUHs in John Sterling's 2009 Post-Season WinWarbles

Probably the celebrated aspect of the modern WinWarble is the THUUUH. Though commonly hyped by the media and mimicked by the fanbase, the THUUUH remains one of the most elusive and misunderstood elements within mainstream Yankeeology.

The following represents our first true attempt to discern the pitch, timber and fundamental fabric of the THUUUH, as sampled during the warble-heavy 2009 post-season.

As longtime Yankeeologists, we at IT IS HIGH believe clinical breakthroughs are near, and humankind may soon understand the essential meaning of THUUUH.

This is only the beginning.

John & Suzyn's Game One Rant Over the Pop-Out Double Play: HE CAUGHT THE BALL

In Game One, Hideki Matsui was doubled off first base after Jimmy Rollins caught an infield pop-up. It didn't go down well in the Loews Broadcast Booth, and over the next five minutes, our heroes repeatedly drove home one basic point.

10 Scary Things About Last Night's Victory

1. Chan Ho Park is alive!

2. Witnesses reported a mysterious spectral image of Alfredo Aceves warming up in the 9th!

2. Psychics predict Arod may hear fewer boos in Philly than he would at home!

4. Tim McCarver, stealing catchers' signs to project future pitches, achieved an amazing perfect score... never getting one right!

5. The newest creaky 8th inning Bridge to Mariano is Mariano!

6. Two blown DP calls at first -- one for each team, canceling each other, an inning apart -- it's as if... nawwww, it couldn't be!

7. The empty suit of Harry Kalas bats cleanup for Philadelphia!

8. Eminem is in a video game!

9. The Yankees' coolest customer may be Melky Cabrera!

10. Chan Ho Park has a beard!

John unleashes tape-measure Game 2 Warble, rivaling Springsteenian "Jungle Land" climax, hitting WinGasm territory

He's waited six years to uncork the fireplug in his lungs and spray the kind of WinGasm intensity that sends singers to the Rock n' Roll Hall of Fame, and I don't mean you, Joni Mitchell! This aint no Circle Game, no wheels goin' round-in-round -- THIS IS REAL, HONEY, THIS IS RAWTONE LARNYX-LOUD-LIFTING!

If anybody out there thinks Joe Buck and Tim McCarver collectively could hit a 7.27-second a WinWarble -- I'm talking if they tried a tag-team warble, slapping butts and trading off, even using a 50-volt cattle prod, and they'd still be lucky to nail a 6.50; that's announcing? Hell, Harry Kalas' empty suit in the Phillies dugout could blow a 5.00! -- then douse your Fergie records and pull out that boney Canadian chick, Celine Whatever, the one they describe as "handsome," belting out the final distress mayday ending to "Theme From Titanic." Because that's the kind of bowel-movement-inducing climax we're hearing from the Voice of the Yankees, driven by Jesus! LAY DOWN ON THE FLOOR, CLASP YOUR HANDS TIGHT AND TURN THIS MUTHEREFFER UP.


Boston Writer Doesn't Want America To Be Safe

Thursday, October 29, 2009

For Alex

If it means he'd go one-for-four, Kate, we'd probably settle for a hand job...

"Matt Stairs Died In 1997, And I've Pretended To Be Him Ever Since," Local Plumber Says

A Few Simple Yankee Lessons From tonight

Well, we won.

But let's examine:

1. A-Rod is back to his old tricks. Six strike outs in two World Series games.

2. We have one relief pitcher. One.

3. If Mariano can pitch two innings in each of the remaining games, we have a shot.

4. Pray for rain-outs so he can get the necessary rest.

5. Jeter should not bunt with two on, no one out and two strikes. Particularly after he tried on the previous two pitches to bunt and failed totally.

6. The umpires all hate the Yankees. They will make bad calls to hurt us.

7. A-Rod has stopped hitting. All he can do is strike out now.

8. We only have one relief pitcher.

It isn't enough.

Good night.

Victory is ours!

Nicholas Cage's Dad is Dead!

You Can Do It, AJ. Come On. You Can Do It. Come On, AJ. You Can Do It, Buddy.


In the end of last night's game, John and Suzyn stared wide-eyed into the Jaws of Hell

"If you stare into the abyss, the abyss stares into you."
Friedrich Nietzsche.


"It Got Late Early Yesterday"

I knew the game was over last night as soon as Utley hit his first dinger.

The game reminded me of the Giants-Saints game where you could see the invevitable outcome after 8 minutes.
For those of you who don't comprehend: The Saints and Giants were both undefeated when they played two weeks ago in New Orleans.
The Saints took the opening kick-off and drove the field in about 7 minutes and 3o seconds.
The Giants never stopped them on passes or running. It was like a steamroller on fresh, warm asphalt. When the Giants got the ball, down 7-0, they went three and out, thereby eating up the remaining 30 seconds of the 8 minutes I referenced earlier.

Last night, the Phillies loaded the bases in the first inning with two outs, and CC ducked a bullet, getting the third out on a ground ball to Cano. But as soon as Derek stuck out, and Johnny Damon tried to bunt his way on ( having gone 1-22 previously against Lee ) and Tex struck out, I started to get rumblings in my stomach.

By the time Utley went yard, it was clear we weren't going to do anything against Lee. And we didn't. The game was over in the third inning. Just like the Giants game was over in the first quarter.

That's the worst part; having to then endure another nearly 3 hours of futility , embarassment and failure. Knowing, with certainty, that the outcome had already been determined.

It is called torture.

The CIA uses this same technique when they order a "rendition"of a citizen. They find out if you are a Yankee fan, and make you watch last night's game in a Philly bar.

So now we turn to AJ. As inconsistent and unreliable a big money pitcher as we have ever known. Kevin Brown comes to mind. Also, Ed Whitson and the driveway we burned.
And we have the ghost of Pedro going against us. All we need is a 2 hit shut out by a former Red Sock pitcher, and we will all flash back to 2004.

So this doesn't look good. Hughes has panicked. Bruney still sucks. Robertson's balloon burst. Marte was always a bad seed of a bad trade.

What we really have is what we have had since 1996: Mariano, Derek, Jorge and Andy.
Tex is slumped. Swish has tanked. Cano swings at anything on the first pitch. A-Rod may have burned out his post season bulb.
And, well, I think the Eagles will beat the Giants on Sunday.

All we can do is drink and take sedatives.

I see another 4 run first inning from AJ.
Let's hope that there is, at least, some measure of suspense and possibility beyond the third inning.

But I do expect Andy to pitch well in game three.

Ronan Tynan pitched his legs through a window when he saw this lady

I hope, for his peace of mind, she's not Jewish.

Drag Me To Hell

This is actually a picture of one of those new compact disks, or "CeeDees." It's called Tim McCarver Sings Selections From The Great American Songbook, and it doesn't have any of that awful "rap" singing. You can buy it for 10,000 S&H green stamps at The Amazon, which is just up the escalator near the food court, if I ain't mistaken. (Via SportsFilter).

SHE'S depressed? I gotta get me some of this stuff

This is hitting your target audience! Because this lady is speaking to me.

She's in one hunka-hunka-burnin' depression. She can't get up in the morning. She can't put on her socks. She sits and stares at the TV and watches Phil Hughes piss the game away, and there is only one hope. This broad needs an elixer!

You see, our problem is not Chase Utley. No, it's our lack of brain serotonin and fuckadada, dancing through our frozen synapses, when we realize Freddie Guzman would help our bullpen more than Brian Bruney.

We don't need to beat Pedro tonight. Hell, no. We just need a shitload of this stuff.

Watch out, they say it can result in suicidal tendencies. What? This is living?

The Ballad of Susan Finkelstein

The girl had "Phillie Fever",
A massive fall attack.
The only cure required her
To lay down on her back.

To nab a pair of tickets,
What must a clever girl do?
A "Dirty Utley"? "Around the Lidge"?
A "Hamels Camel" or two?

But the cops horned in, and now her pic's
Been spread across the nation.
Next time, p'raps, she first should try
Some Manuel stimulation.

Don't screw it up now, boys

A gentle reminder of the goal set in the spring

10 Hopeful Signs for the Yankees Last Night

1. Taking a month off hasn't affected Brian Bruney one bit!

2. Phil Hughes really told off that ump!

3. We didn't waste Mariano!

4. Alec Baldwin, looking thin!

5. Ha, ha! Tough guy Cliff Lee couldn't pitch a no-hitter!

6. New Flaming Lips album, soon in stores!

7. Damaso Frucking Marte!

8. Nobody can accuse Girardi of over-managing!

9. Another day of inactivity for Philly bullpen!

10. If swept, we'll never have to face Lee again!

TV station prints wrong Yankee logo... or did it?

We played like Scranton.

This from a prosecutor -- an officer of the court

No lie. This person would put you in jail and throw away the key.

Let's hope he doesn't ever have Phil Hughes come through his office.

He writes:

unless the Yanks can win 4 out the next 5 games, which seems dubious, they've got to face that f'in guy two more times, and I just don't see them hitting him. Then again, CC could decide to give up absolutely nothing to these guys, so who knows- didn't Harvey Haddix once throw a no-hitter through 12 (and lose?). I don't get it, I've been to Philly, its nothing, it seems like a loser city, go figger, these guys are good. Outside of Army-Navy and Ben Frankilin, what ever happened there that they deserve this team?

ps- The Schmuck-A-rod is back. Anyone notice him flipping his bat in the air and then catching it, showing off for in laws Kurt and Goldie? Such an asshole. And swinging from the heels with two strikes? Anyone say Hollywoodrod? I expect absolutely ZERO, NADA, from him for the next week or so of our life here on Earth. Why did the Commish ever put the kibosh on the Boston deal, why oh why (maybe because he knew and he wanted to put a hex on the Bombers??) I just wish Herr Steinbrenner knew what M. Louise Ciccone knew- the guy is a LOSER.

Who knew- Cliff Lee is the new Deacon Phlllips? This guys is unbelievable. Did anyone know this guy? Where did he come from? Even Ben didn't know this guy comes to play.

MLP and fam- dry out yet? Get out of the traffic jam yet?

let me know if you think this is worth posting. Its difficult to have ...perspective... this a.m. My moniker is Dr. Brown (didn't know that, did you?)

At least, as the NYT reports online, Obama is visiting the returning war dead. Now thats a way to increase support and squeeze out those last few votes 6 days before Election Day. Maybe he sees there's little hope left in the Bronx also.

Who knows, BB is a funny game, things change in an instant- did someone say Luis Gonzalez?- some day we may look back on this and it will all seem funny. But this Morning there is No Joy in Mudville

You gab, girl! Hear the moment when Suzyn Waldman becomes first woman to broadcast World Series

Seneca Falls! First-ballot!

This is history, everybody. There's no turning back.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Announcement: Phil Hughes is hereby OUT of the running for October YANKEE EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH

He will not have the preferred parking space in November.
He can park in the non-preferred space.

I am posting this to break us out of our funk

We're down 2-0.

Let the record show: I have posted this to break us out of our funk.

We don't have rally monkeys. Nor do we need them.

We just need to break out of this funk.

Re-incarnation of Koufax, Gibson and Ryan Shuts Down Yanks

Live Blog Forecast, based upon what has happened through 5 innings:

The Yankees lost game one of the series tonight as Cliff Lee registered 26 strike outs, no walks, and yielded only one accidental bleeder hit into right field.

CC started out with little command, but improved as the rainfall intensified.

In the end, his effort was outstanding, but it wasn't enough because he could not get Chase Utley out.

So tomorrow, we put it all on AJ's back. How do we all feel about that?

The Phillies are predicted to win this in 5.

If Cliff Lee keeps pitching, it won't take that long.

I want to shoot Tim McCarver. Is that illegal in America?

Tonight, Suzyn will become the Jaqui Robinson of Female World Series Announcers

You go, Woman!

From now on, we'll view the glass ceiling as half-full!

New Jersey: Battleground State

The northeastern suburbs -- called the Soprano Tundra is shaded blue. It is famous for housing Giants Stadium, the burial ground of Jimmy Hoffa.
The central section -- The Toxic Avenger Plateau -- is yellow because the people are yellow. They are too scared to declare for either side.
The Red state area -- East Stroudsbugh -- is controlled by Philly warlords.
I say, concede Jersey City... let's just hold on to Irvington.
That's where John sings his Broadway show tunes.

The Yankee anthem? Jay-Z's "Empire State of Mind"

I bet Tim McCarver will sing along tonight, when Z performs.

I made you hot nigga,
Catch me at the X with OG at a Yankee game,
shit I made the Yankee hat more famous than a Yankee can,
you should know I bleed Blue, but I ain't a crip tho,
but I got a gang of niggas walking with my clique though,
welcome to the melting pot,
corners where we selling rocks,
Afrika bambaataa shit,
home of the hip hop,
yellow cab, gypsy cab, dollar cab, holla back,
for foreigners it ain't fitted act like they forgot how to act,
8 million stories out there and they're naked,
city it's a pity half of y’all won’t make it,
me I gotta plug a special and I got it made,
If Jeezy's payin LeBron, I’m paying Dwayne Wade,
3 dice cee-lo
3 card marley,
Labor Day parade, rest in peace Bob Marley,
Statue of Liberty, long live the World Trade,
long live the king yo,
I’m from the Empire State.
Empire Upstate version...
I sent ya an email, dude,
Catch me on the Thruway at the Utica stop, you way...

Avalanche!: The 22 WS stories on and no news

(They may have less news than us.)

Repeating as World Series champs is difficult (Oh?)

Intense Girardi a hit as Yankees' manager (Did they see Game 3?)

Most Daily News writers predict another World Series win for Phillies. (Shocker.) (Obligatory.)

Yankees agree: Just getting to World Series is never enough. (Zzz)

1950 World Series: Still thrill of a lifetime (Whose life, Tim McCarver?)

Talent, tradition, money behind Yankees' success (Small market Phills?)

Phillies can thank Yanks for famous Ballantine scorecard. (Yes, very famous.)

In South Phila., Joe Dimaggio still an idol (Wait... Little Italy?)

Yo, Yankees, Phillies have dynastic plans of their own. (Written in Ebonics?)

Phillies lose close World Series in four games to Yanks. (1950 again)

At 38, Martinez has teammates' and foes' respect (Respect?)

Who's the best first baseman in the World Series? (Who's on first.)

Stadiums built for calls of "That ball's outta here." (Interview the stadium?)

World Series rivalry splits family loyalties (Localize!)

Future MVP integrated Yanks in 1955 (Myra Breckenridge?)

Numbers give Yankees bragging rights (26)

Series pits shortstops who love the spotlight (Make it stop!)

Phillies, Yanks mostly praise each other (No more!)

Game 1 hurlers are ex-Indians (Nothing else happening in the world?)

Bill Conlin: Comparing Phillies, Yankees lineups ... (War in Afghanistan?)

Rich Hofmann: Lee vs. Sabathia: A pitching matchup. (Help.)

NY, PA Senators Make Food Bet, Now All Hoping Other Team Wins

If the Phills win, Arlen "human skull" Specter gets a cheesecake. Yeah, right... he's gonna sit with the moderates and inhale a 10,000-calorie stimulus package. If Philly wins, Arlen better pass a health care plan quick, one that includes emergency bypasses.

If we win, the statesmen and stateswomen of the NY delegation get a whopping-big Cheese-Whiz infested, no-meat-that-science-can-identify Philly cheese steak, which Kristen "Not Caroline Kennedy" Gillebrandt can eat with a salad fork. When Chuck Schumer stares into it, this is what he'll see.

NOTE: PA originally sought a wager with NY Gov. David Paterson. They promised an autographed photo of Barack Obama, which was in actuality a glossy of David Hasselhoff.

This is why you got the big bucks, CC

This is what we're paying you, for, CC.

This is why you got that big contract with all those zeros. Right now. The World Series. Everything up to this point hasn't mattered. NOW it when it counts. Yankee fans around the world are counting on ...

What's that? Well, yeah, OK, the League Championship series was important. Nice job there, too, with the MVP and all. But this, the World Series, that's what we're really paying you ...

Huh? The ALDS? Well, yeah, we said that then, too, but, really, it was just the Twins. Still, it was the postseason, so OK, it was a big deal. But this, tonight, the World Series, is REALLY what ...

What's that? Yeah, that 9-1 record after the All-Star break, three wins against the Red Sox, I know we said those were a big deal at the time, and it helped get us here and all, but ...

Oh, hell. Just win tonight and in Game 4. And if it comes to a Game 7, well ... that's REALLY what we're paying you for.

Pedro Martinez... the Michael Vick of the Barnyard

It's always clunky in Philadelphia.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

In Direct Slap to Face of SuperFrankenstein, Phillies Drop Miguel Cairo from WS Roster

Over the years, one certain player always found a way to solve SuperFrankenstein's needs.

And they are ample needs.
That man... Miguel Cairo.

First, as a Yankee. Later, as a Seattle... uhm.. Supersonic?

Now he's gone. GONE.

Stay Creative, Phillies Phans

Because Susan Finkelstein wanted to take one for the team.

the 43-year-old suburban Philadelphia woman posted an ad on the Web site Craigslist in which she described herself as a "gorgeous, tall, buxom blonde diehard Phillies fan" desperately seeking Series tickets, according to CBS station KYW-TV in Philadelphia.
Her ad, according to police, suggested she'd offer something extra. "I'm the creative type! Maybe we can help each other!"

What sealed the deal was when an undercover officer responded to the digital ad, and Finkelstein allegedly offered to perform various sex acts in exchange for the coveted tickets. Police did not say precisely what this Phillies fanatic was willing to do to see her beloved team play the Yankees.
It is unknown at this time what sex acts she was willing to perform.

Hamel's Camel?
The Dirty Utley?
Pedro's Midget?

Details at 11.

Exclusive! Girardi family photo album discovered on eve of World Series!

Not sure how this came into our possession, but a photo album showing the Girardi family living the life of suburban bliss has surfaced. Here's a peek:

Joe (far left) and his first baseball team, The Midway Mashers managed by Gaylord Disney (the tall guy in the middle.)

Grampa and Gramma Girardi settle in Florida, ironically the location of Joe's first managing opportunity.

Joe's prom date, Koo Koo
Joe's Grampa was a kitten executioner between jobs during the Depression.

Joe showing off his first catching gear given to him in Christmas '58.

Joe and his kindergarten teacher, Joanie V.

(Tip o' the hat to an amusing site: Black and WTF)

Cryonic Crainium of Crimson-Clubfoot Crybabies Picks Yankees

The Yankees will win it all because they're lucky. And nowadays, with three rounds of playoffs, you gotta have a little luck to win a title.

Lord knows Teddy Ballgame never had a speck of luck. (And, trust me, the streak has continued in this godforsaken place. Hell has frozen over, and I live there.)

I had the bad luck to play for the most racist organization in baseball. So I never got to play with guys like Jackie Robinson or Willie Mays or Larry Doby. The Red Sox didn't integrate until 1959, three years after Jackie Robinson retired. When we finally got a black player, he hit .233 with one home run in 172 at-bats. Pumpsie Green, we hardly knew ye.

Octobergeddon: It is time to take nominations for "YANKEE EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH"

We always knew this time would come.
We must now ponder perhaps the most critical Yankee Employee of the Month award in history.
As we do so, we consider the following matters:
Is there an IIHIIFIIc curse, or are the unkind fates that befell past recipients mere manifestations of anecdote and poppycock?
If there is a true curse, an explainable wrinkle within the known fabric of reality, should we fear it... or conquer it?
What Yankee employee did his work in such a way that he, or she, deserves to be bestowed with the honor of YANKEE EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH -- (YEM.)
These are the questions.

If we lose the series, we could lose Scranton

We have Coal City secured... for now.

Field Commander Igawa says send more troops, immediately.

That, or Shelley Duncan.

OK, maybe I'm losing it, but I can't stop laughing about this headline

Tim McCarver was 9.

Highlights of Cuban free agent Aroldis Chapman's meeting with the Mets last week at Citi Field

1. Phone call from Rusty Staub!

2. Opportunity to buy Rolex for only $10 from nearby street vendor.

3. Stirring recital of "Casey at the Bat" performed by Mr. Fred Wilpon.

4. Flock of geese overhead, breaking stillness.

5. Jose Reyes' locker!

6. Power Point presentation of team 401(k) plan.

7. Tour of both World Championship trophies.

8. Stirring rendition of "Yer a Better Man than I Am, Gunga Din!" performed by Mr. Fred Wilpon.

9. Pose for picture with Mr. Met mascot (Omar Minaya).

10. Seinfeld rerun on office TV.

11. Giant "VIVA FIDEL" message on Jumbotron.

12. New York Style Pizza!

13. Heroic restarting of Mr. Fred Wilpon's heart with fibulator.

14. Chance to get tickets to ALCS.