Tuesday, March 31, 2009


The War Cry: Jee-Da-Teh-Mah-Nay-Po-Can-Ran-Gar!

Altogether now...


Sheff Crashes Again

Tigers release him.

Waiting at the scrap heap

And wondering who we'll salvage.

This is the time of year when Brian Cashman roams the distant scrap heaps, sifting through the garbage for discarded husks of tin or plastic, which could be repaired, buffed and polished for re-use.

Somewhere out there, in a municipal salary dump, Yankee scouts right now are weighing in their hands an old, weathered chest and thinking, "Hm-mm, could we use this?

"It would go well with Brett Tomko...

"Scranton could use these hinges...

"Don't we have an option on Cody Ransom...?

"Look! Now, who would throw out an original Chad Moeller?"

YES Network Wins 13 Emmys

Thirteen local Emmys.

What? You didn't know about local Emmys? Where do you live, Solvay? Today, all media awards are local, and all media people are award-winners.

Actually, Emmys are not all YES has won. Recently, they took:

Two Local Heisman Trophys... Best Collegiate Sportscast (Yankeeography) and Best Amateur Presentation (Center Stage)

Three Nobel Prizes... Literature (Joe Torre, "The Yankee Years"), Chemistry (Alex Rodriguez) and Physics (Alex Rodriguez' girlfriends).

Three Oscars... Best Actor (Brian Cashman, "I Love You, Man"), Best Special Effects (Billy Madden, "Inkheart"), Best Soundtrack (John Sterling, "Lycans: Rise of the Underworld")

One Congressional Medal of Honor... The Steinbrenner Famiily, for meritorious spending.

One Pulitzer... Investigative Reporting (No byline: "Pavano, in mid-season form, to start home opener")

Five Cub Scout Wolf Badges... (Brett Gardner, Mark Melancon, Austin Jackson, Jesus Montero, Phil Hughes)

58,343 Golden Globes... (Everyone attending final game)

Five Tonys... (Kubek, Lazzari, Tarasco, Clark, Pena)

Monday, March 30, 2009

Verses of the Grim Weeper


UPDATE: Surrounded by colleages and relatives, Derek Jeter's injured pinky is said to be "improving each day," though it is not clear how long the road back will take, and some fear the digit will never be able to pull a beercan ring tab again.
One source tells IIH that the pinky remembers nothing of the violent collision this weekend that left it swollen and confused. Still, it's good news out of Tampa to see the Captain's pinky up to its old shenanigans.
God speed, old chum.

Pride of the Bimbos: What Alyssa Milano Says about Carl Pavano

Hugging Harold Reynolds has the link.

This is the skinny: Some kiss-and-tell lobby-lay spake a book to her bail bondsman about going once around the league, and while ginning-up sales on a radio show today, was questioned about the fact that Carl Pavano, the batter, is on her resume. Carl Pavano and book sales. They go together like root canals and Vicodin. Good luck in your literary career, Sylvia Plath.

Letter to the Editor

London (Ontario) Free Press
March 26

Dear Editor

It is interesting how the era in which you played dictated whether your actions were acceptable or not. Gordie Howe is lionized for "welcoming" rookies to the NHL with elbows to the chops, but do it today and you have panels discussing head shots.

Former great pitchers Bob Gibson and Don Drysdale were praised for brushing back hitters and beaning them "when needed" but Pedro Martinez and others today are called headhunters.

Former defensive lineman Deacon Jones said he tried on every play to put the guy he was hitting in the hospital. That went under the heading of old school football, while today's NFL wouldn't care for that type of comment.

The New York
Yankees of the 1950s were a hard-drinking, partying bunch who caused family strife for some of the wives and children. But when you bring home a World Series most Octobers, it gets overlooked.

One can wonder: If steroids had been around earlier would they have been acceptable and, if so, what would the record books be like?


Deadwood Was Not an HBO Series: It's Our Minor League System

It's time for a spring garage sale.

Practically every bottle taken from us the Rule 5 draft has been returned for the nickel deposit. Our Columbus-Wilkes Barre pitching staff is so overstuffed that it's a fire hazard. We're bloated, overloaded, and we're getting old, and meanwhile the faithful wonder why our farm doesn't grow position prospects.

Based on Chad the Rad's analysis, (only one worth studying) it's possible that our lone position hope in Scranton would be Austin Jackson in CF. Everybody else is a celebrity contestant on Dancing With the Stars.

Time to clear out the attic.

Folks, this isn't one of those fantasies where you stack 20 Duncans and trade them for Roy Halladay. This is where you give Eric Duncan and Shelley Duncan a fighting chance for a career. They've busted their butts for nearly 10 years, with barely a taste of coffee in their mouths and the contempt of fans who wanted them to be stars. Let them go. Trade them. Free Willy. Elevate a Fortenberry or a Battle, challenge some kid and see what happens. (That's what we did with Austin Jackson, by the way. His numbers weren't that great in Single A two years ago; they just gave him a chance, and he soared.)

We've sent Kei Igawa back to the Anthracite Capital of the World. Why? To punish him? For being overpaid? We're the ones who should be punished for his salary. He was the 2008 Scranton's Pitcher of the Year. Why send him back? We barely tried him as a bullpen option. If one of our starters goes down, Igawa is probably third on the depth chart. What is the point of this? It almost seems as though we fear that he might go to another team, pitch well, and make us look incompetent. Trade him. Let him go. Open the spot. Plant a seed.

And then there's Juan Miranda. The Cuban Igawa. The day we signed Mark Teixiera, he should have gone on the market. They say he can hit, but his glove clanks. Face it: he's not going to play for us. He won't be our DH. We have a team of DH's. The guy had to ride on a boat to get out of Cuba. Must he do likewise to escape the Yankees?

There are others. The catcher, Kevin Cash, will bump PJ Pilittere and Fransisco Cervelli to Trenton. Brett Tomko will take up Horne's pitching time. Dan Geise. Jason Johnson.

OK, you keep a few. The player-coach types. But this is crazy. We've been doing this for 15 years now. It is a system failure. It is like a government bureacracy. It is like GM. High salaried old guys taking up space.

Bundle them up, throw in $50, trade them for Halladay. Arnold Halladay.

As Sting said, "If you love someone, you must set them free."

Mm-mm. Poetry.

Sunday, March 29, 2009


BREAKING _ Team officials say the swollen pinky of Yankee Captain Derek Jeter is resting comfortably this evening. No further medical updates will be forthcoming.

Spam of the Week

God love them:

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Letter to Editor

Telegraph Herald (Dubuque, IA)
March 22, 2009

Dear Editor:

Recently, on the television news, I saw kids trying to catch the eye of Alex Rodriguez while reaching for his autograph on a baseball they held in their hand. It reminded me of Nov. 27, 2007, when former President Bill Clinton campaigned on behalf of Hillary in Peosta, Iowa. That day's Telegraph Herald mentioned that Walt Pregler, of Dubuque, was intending to go to Peosta to see, and possibly shake the hand of, Bill Clinton.

I admire the good that Alex Rodriguez and Bill Clinton have accomplished throughout their respective careers. However, I am deeply saddened by their scandals and their subsequent responses.

Rodriguez said, "I didn't think they were steroids." Clinton said, "That depends on what your definition of 'is' is."

Growing up as a Boy Scout, I learned the Scout Law - "A Scout is: trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean and reverent."

I still try to do my best to obey the 12 points of the Scout Law.

How would Alex Rodriguez respond if asked whether his actions violated the Scout Law? Would Alex say, "I didn't think I was being unclean or disobedient"?

* Major-League baseball - $3.
* Major-League baseball with A-Rod signature - $3.
* Major-League hot dog - $5.
* Major-League
Yankees baseball Uniform - $160.
* A-Rod's contract - $275 million.
* Integrity - Priceless.

Joe Koch
9128 Pheasant Lane

Crosby Voted Top All-Time Yankee Bubba, Trammell Depressed

The Yankee Bubba.

You elected him over Bubba Trammell with 80 percent of the vote. (Even though Gary Sheffield got all his friends to vote for Trammell.)

Congratulations, Richard Steven Crosby.

And good luck, Bubba Trammell. You can be No. 1 Bubba for many teams... but not ours.

A Q&A and a Q&Q with Roger Clemens' biographer

"Q: Is it fair to say that Clemens' many character flaws are simply a product of his upbringing - losing two fathers, the insatiable rearing of an older brother he idolized, the stigma and perception of being a dumpy underdog...?"

Hugging Harold Reynolds interviews Jeff Pearlman, author of "The Rocket that Fell to Earth," the biography of Roger Clemens.

Good stuff. But here's our Q&A with Pearlman. Since we haven't yet contacted him, he hasn't yet replied. Therefore, we only have the Q's:

Q. In researching your book, did you ever rub hot liniment on your own balls to experience the sensation Clemens felt during his own pre-game rituals?

Q. Uh-huh. But wouldn't a real biographer rub the stuff on his balls every fifth day, so he could understand?

Q. Well, don't you think if LBJ rubbed liniment on his balls every fifth day, Robert Caro would have done the same, so he could know the excrutiating pain?

Q. That's ridiculous! Why should I rub liniment on MY BALLS? I didn't write a biography about a guy who rubbed liniment on his-

Q: I'm not obsessed with anything. You're the one who-

Q: Listen, dammot, I'm supposed to be asking the questions here!

Q: Let me finish. LET ME FINISH-

Q: Yeah, OK. You did a lot of research. Hooray for you. Except that you weren't about to rub fiery liniment on your balls, and as a result, we don't know what it would feel like-


Q: OK, we can move on. I'd love to move on. OK, uh-mm, let's see. Did you ever see Roger Clemens with his pants down?

Q: Yeah, well to hell with you, too!

(Hey Pearlman, if you read this, send us the A's.)

Yanks Trade 26-year-old not-there-yet for 23-year-old nobody

Minnesota drafted Jason Jones from us, then decided they didn't want to keep him, so they traded Charles Nolte to us for him. Makes sense to me.

No updates yet on the Jeter pinky. Reportedly, Minka Kelly has placed it in a secure location.


Stay tuned for further updates.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Maybe it’s because I’m hungry

Frank Baker

Honey Barnes

Colter Bean
Chili Davis

Noodles Hahn

Chicken Hawks

Catfish Hunter

Harry Rice

Damian Rolls

Steve Trout

Letter to the Editor

Connecticut Post Online
March 23
To the Editor:

The argument that AIG has no right to award such excessive bonuses because they were bailed out with taxpayer money is flawed and hypocritical. Sure, the bonus system at AIG and companies like it require a major overhaul, but the concept of "corporate bonuses" is still a necessary and integral part of capitalism. If you perform well and make the company money, you will be rewarded, in the hopes that you will continue your work and remain loyal to the establishment.
Alex Rodriguez of the New York Yankees gets paid millions of dollars to hit a ball. It upsets many accountants who work much harder, but it's America. A-Rod's incredible marketing power justifies his salary.

Taxpayers should not be arguing against bonuses. On the contrary, they should be arguing for them. As taxpayers, we all want AIG to succeed and begin turning a profit so it could pay us back for the bailout we provided them. AIG is not going to succeed overnight, nor will they succeed with an unmotivated management.

Ralph Stein

Old News

Our pal She-Fan may be a boldfaced name on the New York Post's prestigious Page Six but, around here, she's hardly the only one:

NY Post, Page Six, 7-9-08:

YANKEES radio announcer John Sterling is being called out for foul behavior in the stadium's press dining room. "Sterling has made a habit of walking over to the dessert table and dipping his finger into the ice cream barrel," one stadium worker told us, adding that the play-by-play vet has also used the same tablespoon to repeatedly take samples. During the Boston series, "He wandered over to the cake and pie section, broke off a piece of a cake slice, ate it and wiped his grimy hands on the linen tablecloth, leaving the remainder of the slice for someone else to eat - which indeed happened," our spy continued. A rep for WCBS Radio declined to comment, and a team spokesman said the Yankees "know nothing about it."
[A tip o' the hat to Buhner's Ghost and Hoxha]

The Canterbury Phillies

Says boyofsummer: "Well it's not a Yankees thing, but I spent a month working on it... a season preview of the Phillies, in poetry form, specifically in iambic pentameter."

The Phillies won themselves a World Series,
Beat the Tampa Bay Rays with rel'tive ease!
A championship! And long-awaited!
City of Brotherly Love, elated!

Check this out. You GOTTA check this out! CHECK IT OUT.

Yankeetorial: Team Right to Ban Inflamatory X-Rated She-Fan Confessional

Those bleeding heart New York Post mercy-me's are at it again. They're whinnying up a tizzy about the Yanks' refusal to publish an ad for "Confessions of a She-Fan," by publicity-mad, potty-mouthed playgirl Jane Heller in the team's new Cathedral of Clean.

We've read the She-Fan book. In terms of public outrage and blaspheme, it makes Salman Rushdie's "Satanic Verses" read like "Goodnight Moon." Listen: If Heller's poisonous allegations go uncensored by the Tower of Stein, it could lead to anarchy.

We had a similar incident at IT IS HIGH when we discovered the secret notes Alphonso had been writing to Kim Kardashian. We dealt with it. You readers never had to glimpse the hell that we did. Randy Levine's war room is just doing likewise.

In her attack book, Heller claims that:

1. The Yanks have not won a World Series since 2003. Yeow. This is her way of turning the screw, jabbing red-hot pins into the foreskin of Yank faithful just to watch them squirm. We hoped that the literary genre of spleen-venting hate went out with "Bliss My Ass," Kathy Lee Gifford's angry 1994 takedown of the Pope, but Heller clearly hopes to bring it back. Let the record show that we know: The Yanks have won every Series since 2003! She-Fan can say whatever the hell she wants. It's a lie.

2. Beloved, mirthful, iconic YES host Michael Kay, physically, has a "big head." This oft-repeated cheap shot stems from Kay's genetic condition of the endocrinal glands, which causes a painful cranial bloating made more noticable by his choice of neckties. But here's the real story. Insiders believe Heller's malicious lie is a last-whack revenge groinshot that stems from their broken love relationship. We will not dignify such an allegation, by printing it here. But something is up, and it's not Kay's hatsize.

3. Watching Yankees Classics on YES is like "watching reruns of Pretty Woman, where Julia Roberts always ends up with Richard Gere." She said it, not us. REPEATING: She said it, not us. We have sent copies of this damnation to both Mr. Gere and Ms. Roberts so that they can take appropriate legal action and be forewarned if Heller ever tries to buy ad space at one of their movies.

4. At one point in a post-season game against Cleveland, Ms. Heller confronted a "tub of guts in a Lofton jersey" by shouting "SHUT YOUR FUCKING RALLY PIE HOLE!" Heller should be grateful that the Yank do not demand that her mouth be publicly scrubbed with anticeptic soap.

In fact, considering that the new park will be the first ever sprayed to conquer illegal microorganisms, isn't it right to hope that it will sanitized of improper words?

Friday, March 27, 2009

Emerson Landoni...the next Balboni?

Emerson Landoni.

You're saying: Dukie, WTF? That's not a baseball name. It's a soccer name, a Pope name, a wussy fashion designer name.

He's 19. Last year, he played 3B for our Gulf Coast League diapers-and-groupies league. He's a switch-hitter from the land of Hugo Chavez. He's tiny, 5'10 and 170. (He only rhymes with Balboni.) But lately, they've had him playing with the big team in Triple A games. Shortstop.

This guy is thinking outside his bun.

Emerson Fucking Landoni. The Smuckers jam of baseball.

With a name like that...

Si-Si To Start-Start Both-Both Openers

For the record: We love, adore, worship, idolize, lust after and clamdig CC Sabathia... Ace o' the Staff, Face o' '09, the man nobody accuses of juicing or dating card-carrying AARP Sunset Boulevard, baby-stealing nutjobs.

So why not have him usher in the new crib?

Think of him as our brand new $40 Braun coffeemaker, with automatic one-cup brew-frother, permo-filter, latte setting and drip-guard. Why have guests standing with cups in hand, while the old machine gasps its last rattle? Why not show off the dazzling new glamor?

Trouble is, the old machine was Mr. Coffee - yeah, you know who I'm talking about, Joe D! -- and the new machine isn't.

Somewhere back in the Ice Age of 2008, I just got it in my mind that Andy Pettitte deserves more than a scoop of stadium dirt, a Dollar Store handshake and a $5 million pay cut.

He should start the opener. And everybody knows it.

You know it. I know it. Pettitte knows it. Sabathia knows it. You're nodding. I can see it. Everybody knows it.

Why is this?

Well, Grasshopper, it is hard to explain. But I'll try. The Yankees are not a team. They are a tradtion. They originated Old Timers Day. They retire an embarrassingly high number of jerseys. They practically own Cooperstown. The new players -- Sabathia, Teixeira, et al -- for the rest of their lives, they will be known as "former Yankees."

But they aren't yet.

When the stadium opens, Andy Pettitte should be there.

You know it. Girardi knows it. God knows it. WTF?

Waddling Into History

Yes, we know CC is going to start both Opening Day At Baltimore and The New Stadium Home Opener, but none of us thought it merited a post because there are no less than three Opening Days this year: Opening Day, The New Stadium Home Opener, and The Stupid Exhibition Game Against The Cubs that kind of really opens the new stadium and helps to push the Real Opening Day back almost a whole week, and which Chien-Ming Wang is starting anyway. And besides, Bob Sheppard won't be there, so it's not like any of this is really happening. So, uh, congratulations, CC!

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Times Headline: "Pittsburgh Shakes off Pesky Xavier." A Yankee message?

It could have been worse.

Pittsburgh Enjoys Xavier Exit

Pittsburgh to Xavier: Goodbye

Pitt Triumphant Over Xavier

Hopefully, it'll piss off Nady.

In the next round, will Pitt play the University of Marte?

Put on your 3D glasses

Some guys sit in the basement and build scale replicas of Pamela Anderson from Play-Doh, chihuahua fur and duct tape.

This man is a God.

John Blanchard

First summer I followed the Yankees, the world was riveted by the M&M Boys chase for Ruth's record.

Mickey Mantle and Roger Maris. Yogi, too.

Imagine being 12: You grew up watching Mickey Mouse and Yogi Bear, and then one day the greatest baseball team in history is evolving before your eyes, and there's a Mickey and there's a Yogi. It's like an alcohol intervention, it imprints upon you, it chops off your foreskin, it changes you, it turns you into a Yankee zombie for life.

That year, despite all the hype about Maris and Mantle, true Yank fans recognized the greatest home run threat on the team was gettting almost no outside publicity. Big John Blanchard.

I remember him hitting a two-out, bottom of the ninth grand slam to beat Boston. I remember him hitting a titanic shot to help beat Cinncinati in the World Series. No game was ever out of reach when you could bring in John Blanchard to pinch hit. He hit 21 home runs coming off the bench, and his HR frequency ratio had to be comparable to Maris. (I should look it up, but I'm on a role here, dammot!) He scared other teams as much as anybody in the lineup.

He rode the bench and never complained. (Later in life, he lamented the lack of playing time, but the mark of a good teammate -- and he was a good teammate -- is that you don't squawk as long as the team is winning.)

For my money, this guy was the greatest pinch-hitter in Yankee history.

Blanchard had a heart attack yesterday and died at age 76.

Big John.

Boston, classy as always, attacking Teixiera's wife

Dirtdahgs, fearing home series without chance to fling feces at Arod, courageously gin up new ogre in wife of Yank player.

Fookinay awesome! Maybe Bobby'll piss on her from the deck! (Frat Boy alert: hint, hint?)

Also of note to Dirtdahg blahggehz: Socks have seven (7!) great starting pitchers, each a bet to win 20. (This includes Clay Bucholtz, back from the Pawtuk stem cell fermenter, and this time he means it!)

Take a stand: Join the fight to ban SAS at Yankee Stadium!



Wailin' Suzyn, the multimedia darling from It is High, It is Far, It is ... caught, announced Thursday she has formed BETM (Bloggers for the Ethical Treatment of Microbes) in response to the news that innocent microbes will be indiscriminatly destroyed this summer at Yankee Stadium.

"We must fight for those who can't fight for themselves," Suzyn told the press today from her family manse in Upstate New York. "I demand that Yankee management call an end to this slaughter. We want SAS banned at the stadium -- TODAY!!!"

Suyzn, enjoying a nasty cold caused by playing host to some adorable rhino viruses, sniffled through tears when discussing the plight of mold, spores and bacteria that will no longer frolic in the gobs of spit, pools of tobacco juice and spatterings of sweat in the fields of this hallowed cathedral of baseball tradition.

Instead, the infield will become a KILLING field of MURDER and DESTRUCTION!

"I hope fans across America will wake up to this injustice. Remember: When they came for the pigeons, I did nothing. When then came for the rats, I did nothing. When they came for the microbes, I did nothing. When they came for me, no one did anything!

"So join us today as we unite in one voice: SAS MY ASS. Ban it Now!"


Ex-Yank 5-tool superprospect Jose Tabata, 20, Shocked -- SHOCKED! -- by Alleged Antics of 43-year-old Wife

We traded this story to the Pirates.

Pirates prospect Jose Tabata is not involved in any wrongdoing in a bizarre case in which his much-older wife is charged with abducting a 2-month-old baby girl from a Florida couple, police told the team. Tabata, a 20-year-old outfielder who is one of the Pirates' top minor leaguers, said in a statement Wednesday that he is "hurt, frustrated, and confused" that his 43-year-old wife, Amalia Tabata Pereira, is accused of taking the girl from a woman at a health clinic in Plant City, east of Tampa, on Monday.

No matter what Xavier Nady and Damaso Marte do, let’s never forget this. We dealt this headline to Pittsburgh.

You heard of salary dumps? This was a publicity dump.

As for the story, well, considering Alphonso's marriage to a 13-year-old, we at IIH have no right to judge the whimsical side of Jose Tabata or his Comedy Central family.

But we do note now and then how the national pastime has climbed into the hot tub with an incredibly ugly, evil and corrupt human exploitation machine down in Latin America.

We feel compelled to remind people that pimps masquerading as scouts buy 12-year-old boys, play Arod's cousin with fixer-elixers, knock four years off their ages and God knows what else... because MLB, under its $18 million a year commissioner, Bowie Selig, is too busy counting its money to care.

A 20-year-old star athlete with a 43-year-old Octomom-wife whose rap sheet looks like the halucination writings of Kurt Cobain. Something magical going on here, including the possibility that Jose Tabata is closer to age 40 than we thought.

We traded this baby to the Pirates.

Why do I feel we still own a piece?

Membership has its privileges

And so the class war begins.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Winna Hava

They Hava Winna.

My top 10.

1. Jeet flip
2. Yogi humps Larsen
3. Boonie
4. Scooter knocked down by cow
5. Chamblis running over fan at home plate
6. Leyritz
7. Brett screaming after pine tar call
8. Martin smiling after pine tar call
9. Lou faking Remy's single to right
10. Bucky

SUNY Bingo March Madness moment, sex harassment charge, make Top 10 List of All-Time references to Binghamton

The List

1. Vice President Nelson Rockefeller flips bird at Binghamton war protesters.

2. Outside Binghamton, Billy Martin dies in late night car wreck while returning home from bar.

3. TV nation reviles comedic "McHale's Navy" nemesis, Capt. Binghamton.

4. SUNY Bingo mens basketball team makes quick 2009 March Madness appearance, crushed by Duke.

5. Binghamton reference in 2008 Ingrid Michaelson song "The Hat."

6. Tony Kornheiser, SUNY Bingo alum, incessantly mentions alma mater's March Madness appearance, crushed by Duke.

7. Original Dick’s Sporting Goods store founded in Binghamton.

8. In movie "The Squid and the Whale," Jeff Daniels' character reads failure novel at SUNY Binghamton.

9. Science, through advanced DNA tests, identifies source of spiedie meat as human.

10. SUNY Bingo athletics department official sues college, saying she was pawed by boss and that one drunk fraternity shithead vowed to stack $100 bills on bar until she'd screw him.

(Honorable Mention: Bingo native Richard Deacon stars on Dick Van Dyke Show; BC cartoonist Johnny Hart celebrates Easter 2001 by drawing strip that offends Jews; SUNY Bingo is alma mater of one of lesser Baldwin brothers, but nobody remembers which one.)

Yankees Take Lesson From AIG

I always get my facts in a row after a few little shooters and a box of frozen Tropical Dots.

And I got to reading some of my Yankee notes from Tampa, which I had jotted down on napkins and found stuffed in my blue jeans (while reaching for a twenty).

Most of you know that I have great respect and appreciation for level-headed thinking and sound reasoning. Please understand that my notes are a bit dis-jointed, but here's what I think I meant to capture:

1. I apparently invited She-Fan and her husband, as my guests, to opening day at the new Yankee stadium. Accordingly, I made my best effort to secure tickets and found the following response this morning from the Yankee's head office:

Dear Mr. Alphonso,

The New York Yankees regret that we are unable to fulfill your request for three tickets to opening day 2009. However, we do have available 3 seats together for the game Wednesday afternoon, April 22, against the Athletics.

These seats are in Section 24B, Row 5, and are available for the price of $2,625 per ticket, plus a $59.70 convenience charge and a $3.25 fee for order processing.

Please send us the routing number for your Bank, along with your checking account number, and we can direct debit your account.

Hope you enjoy the game !!!



Outcome: Sorry She-Fan, I could not secure tickets for us to the opening day game. But I did give them the information on my account at Lehman Bros.

2. After months of haggling with NYC officials, the Yankees have reached a tentative agreement with the City whereby the Yankees will pay the City $10 million for the sale of what is salvaged from the now redundant, original ( and once re-habbed ) Yankee stadium.

Profits from sales above $10 million go to the Yankees, with the team paying the City 5% of whatever it makes once sales reach $15.9 million, 10% above $17 million and so on.

And so on?

Outcome: This is only an agreement in principle and could fall apart. Meanwhile, what is my bid for a spoonfull of dirt? Or a nice toilet fixture?

In this economy, I would think the Yankees should set up a swap-shop for cash in the AIG building, where the corporate signage has been removed due to an abundance of death threats.

City Contoller William Thompson recently gave this economic stimulus model his tentative approval, but the Yankees have balked. The Yankees are concerned that their detritus might be undervalued.

3. Speaking of balks; this reporter has learned that the Yankees recently turned down a pre-paid, full page, four-color advertisement intended to appear in this year's opening day program.

The offensive advertisement was for Jane Heller's amazing and entertaining book, " Confessions of a She-Fan." If I were better with technology ( we don't get reception down where I am ), I would show you the offending advertisement.

It apparently did not satisfy Yankee censors that lifelong loyalty to the Yankees, along with a generous up-front payment, is sufficient incentive for them to comply with normal business practices.

Dealing with the Yankee front office is beginning to feel more and more like dealing with that Kim dude in North Korea ( who just won that baseball tournament, by the way). Right ?

Outcome: my guess is that She-Fan's blog will soon erupt on this subject. Take a read.

Jose Tabata sends his regards...


Too bad we traded Jose. Maybe his wife could have taken this baby, too.

We're Number One in Integrating Highly Advanced Antimicrobial Systems

This sounds like a humor piece. Frankly, it should be a humor piece. It's not. Check out this bowel movement of Yankee news, fresh from the wire:

CSG, in conjunction with the New York Yankees, announced the new Yankee Stadium will become the first facility in Major League Baseball (MLB) to be treated with the Sports Antimicrobial System(TM) (SAS). Comprised of several leading-edge and highly advanced products, the SAS is a
comprehensive process that kills illness-causing microorganisms and continually inhibits the growth of bacteria, mold and fungi on any surface for up to three

"We feel the Sports Antimicrobial System will be critical to our operations in 2009," said Doug Behar, Senior Director, Stadium Operations.

WTF? Randy Levine will hose down fans with Lysol? Kill the germs that can cause bad breath?

WTF? The first rule of stadium anticeptic spray is, you don't talk about Fight Club.

This spray will be great until Jeter's first melanoma. Will the grounds crew rake out dead infield shrews during the 7th inning stretch?

We've come a long way from pine tar. Ours is the first stadium to be accused of juicing.

Wilson... Erickson... Villone.. Brower... Traber... Ponson... Tomko?

Last spring, we drank enough YES bongwater to believe Billy Traber -- whose career had been marked with a toe-tag saying DO NOT RESUSCITATE -- had magically become our LH bullpen bouncer.

In other words, that we scored something from nothing.

By May, we diagnosed Dan Giese as a diamond, despite his previous analysis as cubic zirconia, and by July, we figured Sir Sidney Ponson had either grown a self-awareness brain lobe or taken a year's supply of Tony Robbins vitamin supplements.

In '07, we celebrated Ron Villone and Jim Brower as if they were found phone numbers taken from the crotch of Theo Epstein's rental gorilla suit. In '06, remember the Noah's Arc line of endangered species that streamed into Tampa? Kris Wilson... Scott Erickson and -- wait -- did we dream Sir Sidney's first incarnation?

We're always looking for something for nothing.

OK, look... there's no law against turning over rocks in search of bottlecaps that hold Pepsi Points, which are redeemable for free Pepsi merchandise. You never go broke paying minimum wage. Truth be told, in 2005 we chanced upon Aaron Small, a first-ballot inductee to the Scrap Heap Hall of Fame.

But look inside yourselves, folks:

Are we not cringing at the thought of Brett Tomko making this team?

Go back two months. It is January. The Yankees sign Tomko. Hah! You laugh. Go back and look at your "projected 25-man roster." Is Tomko on it? Hah.

Now, they're saying he's in the mix, might have the inside lane, because Aceves and Geise have options to Scranton-Halle-Berry.

(DISCLAIMER: OK. Not trying to be negative here. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe Tomko figured out a new grip. Maybe he quit freebasing, or sold his soul, or gave up soda -- [Remember Irabu claimed that was his secret to a comeback?] -- Maybe Bombko has one magic year in him, the year denied to Billy Traber. I dunno.. but...)

These Cinderella stories usually leave their slippers in Florida. Once the season started, Traber got touched up like Raquel Welch's boobs in that roller derby movie, the one where they said she'd prove herself an actress rather than a bikini-bim. What was the title? Kansas City Something. Sounds right. Because that's where these guys end up. Kansas City.

Brett Tomko? OK, we'll hope for the best. But keep our eyes wide open here: Alfredo Aceves and David Robertson are the hope.

Why wait?

And where doth goeth Sir Sidney?

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Report: Austin Jackson Likes The 'Grand Salami'

Welcome to the Greatest Rivalry in Sports, Mr. Austin Jackson! His eighth inning grand slam all but just ended the Yanks/Socks game tonight.

A-Jax just cranked a 3-2 pitch over the left field fence at George Steinbrenner Ball Field to give the Bronx Bombers a 7-1 lead over the dreaded Redsocks in the last half of the eighth inning in tonight's game.

Unfortunately I was watching the game on Al-Sockzeera, also known to Direct TV subscribers as NESN, the sister company to the Bristol-run Ellsbury Schilling Papelbon Network in Connecticut. So the jack was initially dubbed a 'deep foul ball' by the ever-alert Jerry Remy. Thankfully, PeteAbe has a good in-game rundown.

The Bombers scored six runs in the frame, taking a dominating lead over Sock pitching prospect Elian Gonzalez, an upstart 16-year old signing from Cuba.

Gonzalez, a Cuban 'blue chip prospect', signed in 2000 with the Socks, after Theo Epstein sent a team of scouts to Cuba to swindle, woo and threaten the young lad into a contract with Boston.

Gonzalez was recently called the "family jewels" of the Redsock farm system by Peter Gammons, reporter for the Ellsbury Schilling Papelbon Network and former mouthpiece of The Gammonite Globe.

Vote Now for the All-Time Yankee "Bubba"

I won't kid you: This can be confusing.

But only ONE MAN can claim the title of ALL-TIME GREATEST YANKEE BUBBA.

This is too important to decide on our own. It's for YOU, the YANKIVERSE, to decide.

Who is the greatest Yankee Bubba of all time?

Bubba Trammell.
Bubba Crosby.


Chuck Knoblog on Curt Shrillblog

Courtesy of our friend, the brilliant chuck knoblog.

Audi and the Yankees? Of Course! Why Didn't We Think of It Sooner?

Audi has been named the official "luxury vehicle" of the New York Yankees!

And let's face it: No luxury vehicle screams YANKEE more than Audi. Remember all those great Audi slogans over the years:


Have you driven an Audi lately?

There's always room for Audi.

Think outside the Audi.

I can't believe it's not Audi.

Aren't you glad you use Audi? Don't you wish everybody did?

If you've got the time, we've got the Audi!

Yo quiero Taco Audi!

I can't believe I ate the whole Audi!

Look, ma! No Audis!

Now it's Audi... for those who think young.

Audi... kills the germs that can cause bad breath!

You've come a long way, Audi.

Stunner: Girardi chooses .300 hitter over .200 hitter in RF

That's today's controversy.

Actually, it's not much of a controversy. Which is nice.

Nick Swisher starts on the bench. I like Swisher. He takes pitches, runs in to walls, plays music in the clubhouse and seems to have balls the size of goldfish bowls. We need that.

The Yankee resurgence of the late 1990s was based on two elements: Prospects from our system (Jeter, Rivera, Posada, Bernie) and cast-offs who were born again. (Brosius, Wells, O'Neill, Mariano Duncan, and the continual mix of left fielders.)

This year, it's Chamberlain, Gardner, Hughes, Melancon, maybe Austin Jackson, maybe Robertson and others. The main cast-off: Nick Swisher.

Chad Jennings and Eric Duncan

Been meaning to say this for a couple days.

The absolute deepest best insider stuff on the Yankees comes from Chad Jennings, the Gammonite in charge of tattling on the Triple A team in Columbus-Wilkes Barre, at least until the newspaper folds.

Seriously. Jennings is great. Whatever happened to Reegie Corona yesterday -- Chad will update it. And believe me, we might need Reegie before this season is over.

The other day, Chad couldn't figure out what happened in a Yank intra-squad scrum between the AAA and AA teams, a/k/a the "Players To Be Named Later World Baseball Classic." Nobody would give him a box score. So he called Eric Duncan. And Duncan called back and filled him in.

At this site, we've given great gobs of shit to Eric Duncan. Why? He didn't turn out to be a star, and that's all we wanted from him. But Duncan took the time to return a call and tell a hustling sportswriter some information that his organization -- which has staffers who are supposed to do that -- didn't do. That was a nice gesture.

Duncan's never going to be the star we wanted. I still remember him cleaning up in the Arizona Instructional League a few years ago, when Baseball America rated him our best prospect, and I penciled him in at 1B with 30 HRs for the next 5 years. Tino Duncan.

Well, maybe he brings something else to the organization, and maybe we've been too hard on him. (OK, Alphonso, I know you'll disagree here. But you're just angry because your bailout money hasn't arrived yet.)

So Eric Duncan -- if you're reading this -- don't bother coming to this blog again, because we'll just be saying stuff that pisses you off, because we're angry and we lash out at the people nearest to us, the people we love -- the Yankees. But we saw what you did. We noticed. It didn't go off into the ether and vanish.

Now, get some hits and get to Kansas City, and have a MLB career.

Newspaper Publishes Offensive Cartoon About Gorilla

Their caption...

Our caption...

A tribute to Curt Schilling

I must say, I'm surprised at the venom directed at our old rival, Curt Schilling, on the occasion of his retirement.

Isn't it high time to put aside the petty disagreements of the past, the shallow anger, and allow him to bask in the glow of retirement for a day?

I ask all of you to put aside your hatred, your bitterness, and instead view this loving musical salute, which I believe captures the true essence of Mr. Curtis Montague Schilling. (And don't miss the part near the end where Curt gives a speech last fall at a John McCain rally.)


Monday, March 23, 2009

Igawa, Brackman Contracts Included in Federal Bailout Plan for Risky Assets

WASHINGTON — The Obama administration's latest financial rescue package seeks private investors to purchase $1 trillion in troubled assets, including the bonuses given by the Yankees to prospect Andrew Brackman and Scranton's Kei Igawa, which have been clogging up credit markets rather than batters boxes.

U.S. Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner did not deny uncertainties in the program but nevertheless touted the Brackman contract as a good deal for investors.

“He can throw 100-miles per hour," Geithner said of the 2007 draft pick, still yet to pitch in a real game. “The only question is whether his arm will fall off afterward.”

Geithner said he hopes investors would take other toxic contracts, but he acknowledged recent setbacks.

"Until yesterday, when he got hammered, I thought some idiot team out there would take a flier on Kei Igawa," he said. "Now, it looks like Scranton eats the guy for another season."

The Ketchup Ceases to Flow

Ketchup Schilling is done.

You'd watch him hobble after bunts,
Then in the dugout, add the Hunt's.
On every team, so many kinds,
But only one who wore the Heinz.

William Perry Responds To Schilling Retirement Jab

Curt said: "To say I’ve been blessed would be like calling Refrigerator Perry 'a bit overweight.'"

An Open Letter to Curt Schilling

Dear Curt,

Don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out.




"I am making my retirement official."

UPDATE, 11:12 AM: The Dow Jones Industrial Average is up more than 300 points, or 4.10 percent.

UPDATE, 11:16 AM: The Schilling blog is slammed, so try The Providence Journal.

UPDATE 11:35 AM: Possibly related: Lance Armstrong taken to a hospital.

Yankeetorial: In these troubled times, Arod should give back the hooker sex he received for free

Today, that populist wildfire a-ragin' across America has a new face of evil. The juiced-up, mirror-kissing, clutch-strikeout, Madonna-chasing he-diva known as Alex Rodriguez has risen to Bernie Madoff territory... but now comes the ultimate insult to free market capitalism:

The wealthiest man in baseball received free hooker nookie.

This from the Daily News' brothel bureau.

A former Manhattan madam who supplied Eliot Spitzer with hookers also counted Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez as a customer - and found him so charming she dated him herself for free, former employees of the call-girl agency tell the Daily News.

This. Stinks.

Elliot Spitzer didn't get it free. Charlie Sheen didn't get it free. The little man doesn't get it free. This is why our economy is in a shambles: The wealthiest fatcats continue to pull in the freebies.

The auto workers had to give it back. The foreclosed families had to give it back. AIG will have to give it back.

Is this Obama's plan for free universal health care? Well, I got news for all-you Hugo Chavez socialists: There is no free lunchjob, baby.

Give it back, Arod!

Pay up... like everybody else in baseball.

If anything, you should pay more.

We cannot, as a nation, give free hooker sex to the wealthy.

The rich get nookie, while the rest of us get married.


Sunday, March 22, 2009

Please Don't Tell The Daily News About His Meth Lab, His Tainted Chinese Milk Distributorship Or The A.I.G. Bonuses Hidden In His Rape Dungeon

"In regard to Alex, all I can say is our paths have definitely crossed personally and professionally."

The 10 Greatest Quotes of Stubby Steinbrenner

"To be a bee, or not to be a bee..." Porky Pig

"I hope his co-workers kicked the shit out of him." Hank Steinbrenner.

Chuckknoblog has the heavy lifting...

Pipp Named All-Time Greatest Yankee Wally

Out-wally's Wally Whitehurst in two-man Wally-off.

Fans sing, "For he's a Wallygood fellow, for he's a Wallygood fellow..."

Next, who could possibly be named the All-Time top Yankee "Claudell?" Any ideas?

It's spring, when Yankee fans wax poetic on one particular subject...

Someday our house, it shall be sold.
That yellow rock? It might be gold!
That gumball "diamond" must be real.
And maybe Cash can swing the deal.

Sheff tops weak list of All-Time Yankee "Garys"

The Rankings:

1. Sheffield
2. Ward
3. Thomasson
4. Denbo
5. Roenicke
6. Waslewski
7. Blaylock
8. Binghamton
9. Cornell
10. Stephen F. Austin

Finally Back Where They Belong

Out trade bait fodder are now resting comfortably where they belong; in Scranton, Pa.

The season changers from last year, Phil Hughes and Ian Kennedy have both been dispatched to lead our AAA team's starting rotation.

They will soon be joined by our $52 million Japanese folly, the 2009 spring training phenomenon; the  unhittable Kei Igawa.

Those of us who know the "lies and deception" strategy of Brian Cashman, following the lead of US Senators, Minority Leaders, Larry Summers, and every recent CEO at Lehman, Goldman and AIG, realize that a new third baseman and a new centerfielder are soon to be on their ways East.

There is no way we enter the season with gritty, hard-working, hustling, talented players with relatively little major league experience.

We are looking right now for the next Ken Phellps and Gary Sheffield.

Some teams have a motto for building a champion in today's depressing economy; faster, younger, cheaper.

The Yank's go their own way; older, finished, expensive.

Stay tuned.

Two down, one more injury to go

Youk and the Midget are on ice.

Today, finish the job?

Phil Hughes Replacing Biden as Icon of Scranton

By now, he knows the restaurants, the bars, the streets, the zip codes and the car dealers. He's still never been to the Coal Museum. He's heard the Harry Chapin song about the bananas 50 times. He's got a favorite TV anchor, a Blockbuster membership, circle of friends and maybe a library card -- no longer using Eric Duncan's.

Phil Hughes is starting Year III in Scranton.

This is good. This is what he needs. This is where the blogger suck-ups and publicists get replaced by the old Asian ladies at the flea market. This is right.

Supposedly, a guy named Archibald "Moonlight" Graham played for Scranton in the New York State league, after having a cup of coffee with the New York Giants in 1905. He led Scranton to the pennant in 1906. The Scranton papers called him "Doc," because he was studying to be a doctor. That tidbit morphed into a character in"Shoeless Joe" by W.P. Kinsella and later the movie, "Field of Dreams."

In 1786, Scranton's first European settlers -- the Abbott brothers -- founded a gristmill. In 1800 the Slocum brothers took over and named the area Slocumville. In 1840, the Scranton brothers arrived. In 1984, the Hudson Brothers burst onto the scene, but that's a different story.

In 1902, Lackawanna Iron and Steel Company left Scranton for Buffalo, pissing off everybody in Scranton. If Hughes ever pitches against Buffalo, he better bean a few.

In the early 1900s, Scranton won the highly coveted nickname "Anthracite Capital of the World." Wheeling never recovered.

According to a city news release: "Each year, more and more visitors discover this hidden gem at the foothills of the Poconos Mountains."

Our hidden gem: Phil "Moonlight" Hughes.

Mr. Scranton.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Spam of the Week

This is poetry:

Don't be sad about badboner. We will help you.

Want your skills and endurance in love to skyrocket? http://oonyb.classified.at/

Florida, Alaska, may ban Youkilis

See? That headline is what's called Yankifying the news. You wouldn't have cared about it, but the notion of another character assassination attack on Youkilis drew you in.

That's what we do. As for the story...?

Too much government regulation, if you ask me.

If the beastiality is made unlawful, then only the criminals will be beastial.

Redsock Nation accuses Jeet of Wrecking Youk's ankle in victory scrum

That's the claim of the Boston Dirtdogs.

It's sort of like Limbaugh saying the election shouldn't count because of Obama's Hawaiian birth certificate. In fact, it's sort of nice to think.

Image those two 500-pound columns of concrete, known as Jeter's legs, landing square on old Ironhead's bruised left forepaw. Makes you think there is a God. Or a true Yankee captain.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Bernie Williams Broke His Finger

One's hitting .382 with power, the other .242. Yep. Too close to call.

Is Giardi serious, or is he angling to host Saturday Night Live?

The lede from Newsday:

The update on the Yankees' centerfield race: It's still too close to call.

The story's MOS (moment of shit.)

"Melky didn't panic," he (Giardi) said. "He just kept working and doing his thing. That's a sign of maturity."

Considering the tale of Bubba Trammell (below), maybe Melky should worry.

The concrete bomb barrier that is Derek Jeter on June 1

Can we come to grips with the fact that Derek Jeter will need a defensive replacement this year, and we still have nobody?

By May whatever, when Mirror Lips returns, Jeter's fielding could be a daily back page soap opera.

Tell me again why we traded Alberto Gonzalez? Was it the firing of the U.S. Attorneys?

Yes, it's traitorous to talk about replacing Jeter. They'll come with torches and burn down the blog. But why have not gone out and sought an infield leatherman other than Angel "the Bowling Pin" Berroa? (Alias, The Second Coming of Wilson Betemit.) The gloves were out there. Nick Green, for example. With the bat, he's incontinent. But the guy can field.

Ninth inning. One run lead. Does Joe have the guts to put in a replacement for Jeter?

Or are we purposely not signing somebody, so he can't be second-guessed?

Open Letter to Cody Ransom: Ever hear the tale of Bubba Trammell?


First, thank you for being a Yankee. Let me assure you that every multi-celled creature of the Yankiverse wants you to succeed. We're clinging to any hint of Scott Brosiusism that lets us avoid the juiced-up Alfred E. Newman we find every morning on the back page.

Secondly, I hope I'm wrong here.

You're about to get Bubba Trammpled.

In the winter of 2003, Bubba Trammell was a hustling, second-tier prospect who served as our CF lawn ornament before we signed Johnny Damon. He is remembered for a few early home runs, a post-season collision with Gary Sheffield, and sadly, his diagnosis for clinical depression that caused him to leave baseball for a while.

In the weeks before we signed Damon, Brian Cashman often told reporters he foresaw Bubba as our starting CF.

This, of course, was a steaming plate of Cashman's finest bullshit. He was trying to chistle a few dimes from Damon. Maybe it worked. Dunno. What it surely did, though, was remind Yankees never to believe the front office. I suspect management consultants doubt the wisdom of such styles, but I could be wrong.

Sir, expect the worst.

Right now, we seem to have too many relief pitchers. This is rare. If Cash loves to do anything, it is pull ragdolls off the scrap heap. That's how we got Dan Giese, Brett Tomko and Jeff Johnson. (And you.) Because those guys have no options, one might make this team, forcing the likes of Alfredo Aceves, David Robertson, Phil Hughes, et al, to Columbus-Wilkes Barre.

Expect Cash to pull a trade. He'll try to convert somebody into an infielder.

In the next two weeks, some overpaid slob 3B will lose his job. That team will look to dump him. They always need bullpen arms.

Don't let this get to you. Do your job. Stay focused. But don't get comfortable. And don't pose for any magazines.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Time to Vote: Who is the all-tme greatest Yankee "Wally?"

The polls are open.

This is the kind of battle, the kind of superhuman grudge, that makes U.S. democracy the most exciting spectator sport in the world. And this duel is reminiscent of Ali-Frazier, Jerry Lewis-Dean Martin, and Max v. Blaster in "Beyond Thunderdome."



Two Wallys enter...
One Wally leaves!
The greatest Yankee Wally of all-time
is waiting to be crowned.

Vote. Now.
For Wally.

Vote Suspended Via Mercy Rule: Nelson named All-Time Greatest Yankee "Jeff"

It wasn't close. No sense holding an election when one party isn't even competing. The Republicans proved it last year.

Jeff Nelson is the all-time top Yankee "Jeff."

Weaver came in second, Torborg third.

Congratulations, Nellie!

Tragic Death of Natasha Richardson Should Give All Yankee Fans Pause to Call for the Beaning of Youkilis

This week, we learned the grim reality: Any blunt head trauma can prove fatal.

We offer our condolences to the family of Natasha Richardson.

Her death has prompted a little soul-searching about the way we've called for beanings of a certain Redsock.


Neck. We say... Think neck.

Square on the neck. Windpipe. Adam's apple. Vocal chords.

Yes. A 98-mph lead grenade to the old voicebox ought to make him sing a different tune -- and at a higher octave, too, heh heh.

No more Youkilis beanings!



"Matty?" Is that what Matsui has become? "Matty?"

Joe Girardi is not exactly Chris Berman. Last week, it was Gardy. Now, from today's Newsday ("Newsy?") on the matter of our Japanese import.

"I still think it's something we're going to have to watch all year long with Matty," Girardi said before the Yankees hit the road...


Please. Stop.

Corporations Can Downsize Without Impacting Anyone

In this rotten and deteriorating economy, corporations of every ilk and hue are letting go fine people in order to cut costs, pay bonuses to their executives and stay in business.

Here is a logical suggestion that , if followed, will allow for any necessary downsizing while not impacting anyone:

Fire all Red sox fans first. As seen in the game-day photo to the right, Boston Red Sox fans are skanks. So who will care if they don't have jobs?

At Yankee games, these tasteless, angry morons do nothing but yell obscenities against our players and fans. They don't come to support their team, they come to defile and denigrate the air, the seats, and the environment around them.

Then fire any employee with a connection to Massachusetts. It is likely that anyone born in Massachusetts, or linked to family in that place, are also members of the "Red sox Nation." Let them join together in unemployment, then. It will be a positive binding thing for their little nation.

Most companies won't have to fire more than 10-20% of their employees to stay afloat, and cutting out the Red-Sox related fat will make this task simple. According to national survey data, getting rid of one Red Sox fan is the equivalent of firing 20-25 normal people, so the skies will begin brightening rather quickly for any company or Government that pursues this technique.

Let Go Red Sox !!!!

Top All-Time Yankees With Famous Names

1. Kenny Rogers
2. John Kennedy
3. Mike Meyers
4. Bobby Brown
5. Paul O'Neill
6. Alberto Gonzalez

The Yankees Need an Office of Thrift Supervision

The government has one.

WASHINGTON (AP) —The federal agency that oversaw American International Group says its criticism of the company’s corporate governance grew increasingly severe over the past four years. But the Office of Thrift Supervision says it also failed to recognize the susceptibility of the company’s complex financial instruments.

Let's see... I know that office.

The Office of Thrift Supervision...

in the Division of Boondoggle Analysis...

within the Department of Legislative Stipulation...

(not affiliated with the former Administration of Codes Information and Wildlife, which -- since joining the Executive Action Group -- is now known as the Central Agency of Print Copies Dispersal)

which is an offshoot of the Budgetary Legal Overview Bureau (BLOB)...

which is part of the Agency of Random Order Development (AROD)...
a subsidiary of Alpo Dog Food...
a division of Beatrice.

Congress To AIG Execs: Return Bonus Or Be Forced To Attend WBC Games

WASHINGTON--Key Congressional officials announced a new plan last night to get that taxpayer-funded bonus money back from AIG executives.

Return the ill-gotten loot to Uncle Sam pronto, or be forced to attend all the remaining World Baseball Classic games in person.

A staffer who spoke to us on the condition of anonymity said "we want these fat cats [who refuse to give their bonus back] to fill up the empty seats and watch their favorite major leaguers risk injury in meaningless games."

Under the draft proposal, each participating AIG executive would be flown to the WBC games on luxury executive jets and stay in five-star hotels, all paid for by the U.S. government.

"Even with those expenses, our plan will save the taxpayers significant money," the staffer said.

Exclusive: Transcript of Arod's Photo Session with Details

O my, now, onto the mattress, king boy! O yes, o yes, o yes! Work it! You're A-Rod. You're mean! Grrrrreeeowwl! You're on fire! Sizzle, scorch, sizzle! Tiger on fire! Kitty-kitty-kitty! Meow! Gimmie some ice water! Pour it out! Who dat in the mirror? Who dat in the mirror!

You’re a beast! A man-eating beast! Onto your belly! Gimmie 10, Marine! You're in the Corps! Sgt. Barry Bonds is a pussycat! Sgt. Babe Ruth is a worm! Think Derek Jeeeeeeeeter, grrrrrrrrrowl! Hello-o-o, Derek! See me now? O, the socks! Gimmie 10! Gimmie some sugar!

OK, onto the back! O, lift the leg! Kitty want thigh! Kitty want man-cake! Hump it, hold it, yeahhhhh, you're Papa now! Who dat pretty man in da glass? Who dat pretty man? In the sailor suit! Who dat pretty man in de sailor suit! YOWZER! LOOK AT THE TIRE, O, YES!

Look in the window! Who, WHO DAT? Closer! Gimmie some glass! Gimmie some chistle! Hunka-hunka burnin' man beef! HOO DAT MANCAKE IN DE SHINY LOOKING GLASS? SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT, COWBOY! CUT ME A SLICE! BREAK ME OFF A PIECE A PIECE A THAT! MADONNA-RAMMA GONNA WANNA, SHE GONNA WANNA, OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH, COWBOI! Uhm.... whoa... that was... nice... Arod?... Mr. Rodriguez?... sir...?... we're done... we can go now?... hello?

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Vote Now for the All-Time Yankee "Jeff"

Who is it?


The people must decide.

The power is you... the people.

If Aaron Boone watches this, he might die

Hoping his heart surgery does well.

(It's been all downhill ever since.)

Trouble in Paradise... that is, Binghamton


Williams was hired in March 2008 as the university’s regional director of major gifts, and she switched to raising money for the athletic department in January. She said the harassment began her first day in the department, when she was told by Lewis that she needed to engage a donor at a Binghamton game because he liked “chesty, loudmouthed women.”

One week later, she said, she attended a dinner in New York with Siegel, Lewis and major donors from a fraternity. Soon after dinner began, she said, a donor began putting $100 bills on the table and asked her to tell him to stop when there were enough there for her to sleep with him.

Siegel and Lewis encouraged and participated in harassment the rest of the night, according to her complaint. She said that they speculated on her chest size and that Lewis suggested she strip for a donor who was planning a bachelor party.

At their hotel after dinner, according to the complaint, Siegel grabbed her breast in an elevator and told her he wanted to “make sure it was up to standard.” She said Siegel spoke with her the next morning in the lobby, saying: “We’re all O.K., right? Nothing happened last night.”

John, Martin top list of All-Time Yankees With Two First Names

1. Tommy John
2. Billy Martin
3. Mel Allen
4. Gene Michael
5. Joe Gordon
6. Roberto Kelly
7. Jack Clark
8. Chad Curtis
9. Jeff Nelson
10. Felix Jose

(Also Receiving Votes: Dale Murray, Bob Melvin, Mike Morgan, Scott Bradley, Brett Jodie, Matt Luke, Jerry Kenney)

Cuomo Wants to Know What Yankees Received Bonuses Last Year

Albany _ New York Attorney General Andrew Cuomo has filed papers with the U.S. Court of Public Opinion demanding the names of Yankee players in 2008 who received bonuses, despite the team's miserable performance.

The move follows public condemnation of American Insurance Group's bonus structure for executives, even though the insurance carrier last year finished 7th in the six-team AL East.

A Few Things At Risk For 2009 Season

I finally got finished with a visit to Bernie Madoff's new gated community, where we shared frozen charleston chews ( one chocolate and one vanilla ) and some warm root beer.

One aspect of Bernie that got lost during the recent " hub-ub" about his $60Billion plus swindle is the fact that he is an ardent baseball fan.

Accordingly, I was dispatched by IIH,IIF,IIc to see if there might be any "damage control" issues for us, given his prominence as a newsmaker.

I can announce today that Yankee fans are safe.

Bernie is a Boston Red Sox felon through and through. " For life," was the exact phrase Bernie used with me.

His love for this stinky breed of losers derives from the original "feeder hedge fund " he first set up in that evil town, to squirrel away money for his dear wife and pleasant, engaging sons.

Anyway, I'm back in South Mexico, relaxing from the stress of Tampa and New York City's Metropolitan Correctional Facility, and I have a few predictions for this year's baseball season.

Items which I consider "At Risk:"

1. The Yankees will be " At Risk" as soon as A-Rod returns.

I would have given Alex's hip " the big knife," rather than the arthroscopic procedure, thus providing the Yankees an entire season to enjoy.

But hey, who is going to buy those suites with Cody at third? Those fans who can afford them ( you know, those guys who are on their blackberries the entire game ) would rather see Madonna sitting in a box seat for three innings than a winning Yankee team anyway.

2. Edwar Ramirez's change-up.

He still only has only the one effective pitch, and everyone has seen it. He can't place his FB anywhere in the strike zone that the fat of a bat will miss.

3. Sub-Sahara Africa .

I recently read that Pope B XVI, with his lifetime of experience as a sex consultant, has ruled condoms illegal and " non pious" for these nations, harder hit by AIDs and HIV than anywhere else in the world.

We all know that the Papacy reviles any attempts at population control, hence their universal condemnation of condom use ( is that also true with alter boys?).

But by denying condoms to populations overwhelmed with AIDS and HIV, isn't HE exercising a different form of population control?

Not very Christian of you, is it Ben?

4. Afghanistan, Pakistan, Iraq.

Does anyone in the US Military or US government read history? Anyone? Anyone?

5. Ted William's head.

The cost of keeping a head frozen has gone up exponentially. And worse, the building of helium refrigeration has come to a standstill, due to the failure of AIG to have capital behind the credit default swaps purchased by the major industrial helium vendors.

Credit is frozen and heads are unfreezing.

6. Luckily, it is time for pickled eggs, tequila, cerveza and dancing. Ian Kennedy is here for the weekend.

Let's Go Yankees.

In art house photo shoot, Arod recreates iconic opening sequence to "The Patty Duke Show"

Meet Alex whose been most everywhere, from Zanzibar to Bartley Square...


Just shoot me. Get it over with. This is in the new Details Magazine.

I'm starting to think that Arod and Madonna are a perfect couple. It's was no media-hyped, publicity thing. This was done in hell. This was karma. They should mate and have a beautiful cocker spaniel.

Sigh. This is getting harder and harder to deal with.

Arod gets a lot of unfair grief. The union and the authorities screwed him. I still can't believe the other 103 players who tested positive have not been identified. I thought it would happen by now. Their anonymity almost demands that we stick with Arod. Seriously. What a raw deal.

That said... how badly does Cody Ransom have to play before we actually look forward to this guy's return?

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Scott Proctor/Oscar Gamble team top list of All-Time Yankee Brand Names

1. Proctor & Gamble
2. Johnson & Johnson (Nick & Randy)
3. Brad Gulden
4. Whitey Ford
5. Richard Dotson
6. Mark Hutton
7. Donzell McDonald
8. Shelly Duncan
9. Mel Hall
10. Rupert Jones Pork Sausage

Brett "The Jet" Gardner

You named him. You own him.

Last time we looked, this country was still a democracy. That means the public's wishes must be obeyed, and anybody who says "Gardy" needs to a little Yankee Taliban treatment in the town's center chopping block.

No more "Gardy." Got it?


Alphonso's Luxury Box Photographed

Our operatives at sliding into home managed to outwit homeland security and transmit pictures of the new stadium, photographs that could easily help terrorists, such as wailin' suzyn, wreak havoc. They have allowed us to reprint a few in particular, to showcase the power of Alphonso's money, which is as green as the water in his swimming pool.

This is the first public airing of Alphonso's ultra-luxury box, the Neil Armstrong Seats.

He'll be bringing his glove to each game, hoping to catch one of Brett the Jet Gardner's titantic shots.