Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Jose Molina Named 2008 Yankee Catcher of the Year

Top 10 Yankee Catchers for 2008
2. Jorge Posada
3. Ivan Rodriguez
4. Chad Moeller
5. Francisco Cervelli
6. Chris Stewart
7. P.J. Piliterre
8. Jesus Montero
9. Austin Romine
10. Billy Crystal

Battleground States Identified for Playoffs

Los Angeles

Cashman back!

Upbeat about 2009. Confident that it will begin on January 1. Everything else is questionable.

Yankees' and National Outlook for 2009

Now that the Yankees have wrapped up their season, it is time for a few predictions, based upon the Yankee's historical relationship with the State of the Union.

1. The Union ( Red states vs. Blue states ) now looks and behaves more like 1861 than the 21st Century. Our willingness to reason together, consider facts, logic and empirical evidence, and make choices for the betterment of the nation have collapsed. We either have to believe that dinosaurs lived as recently as 5000 years ago, and that the world started with a snake and an apple, or not discuss anything together but the weather.

2. Joba Chamberlain, the Yankees last, best hope for an emerging, young superstar who pitches, will spend at least two months next season on the DL with arm trouble. We don't have any such characters who play any other position.

3. Per all young Yankee pitchers, Joba will eventually agree to have arm surgery, and return in 2010 or 2011 as a junkballing, lefty specialist to get out Big Pappy in key situations.

4. Sarah Palin, will become acting President on several different occasions, and gain credibility as this Nation's personal, " Bridge to Nowhere."

5. The Dow Jones average will hit 2000, once it becomes clear that another $700 Billion in taxpayer wealth has been poorly allocated, administered and neglected.
6. The new growth industries of America will become; "gated communities " and "armed security work."

7. Banks will pay zero interest on our deposits. But only for a decade or so.

8. US Treasuries will be so expensive that they will yield a negative return, and the much promoted " tax break" on state and local taxes from the ( non ) interest payments, will mean that holders of this Government Debt will actually owe money for holding them.

9. The new Commissioner of Baseball will be from China.

10. Everything will be nationalized except for education and health care, which must be privately financed. A middle-tier college or university will cost $63,000 per year, plus money for books, food, housing, transportation, clothing, partying and illegal drugs. Sorry, no loans will be available because there will be no credit sources able to lend. And there will be no scholarships due to the fact that each University President will earn what the Chairman of Lehman Brothers used to take home.

11. It will be cheaper to fly to Indonesia for a plastic surgery on a skin blemish ( and stay for two weeks recuperating, on the beach, with a personal attendant ) than to have an X-Ray taken in the US. Except, of course, for members of the Government and their extended families, whose full-service care will be paid directly by deductions to US taxpayer paychecks.

12. The Mets will lead the NL East by 9 games in September, with 12 to play, and lose to the Marlins.

13. The US will no longer be regarded as a Democracy by nations abroad; we will be formally recognized as a failing Theocracy ( history shows that all Theocracies fail their people economically ).

14. The Yankees will win championships in all the minor leagues, with players whose average age is 34.6 years.

15. The best player on the Yankee's major league club will be Brett Gardner, and the team will come in 4th, about 16 games out of first. Brett will hit .183 but steal 65 bases.

16. Ian Kennedy will become a star on "As The World Turns," playing an alcoholic, former baseball player who can't come to grips with managing his father-in-law's grocery store.

17. George W. will declare war on Pakistan just before turning over the keys.

Come on , Miss America, it's time to stand up for the 7th inning stretch.

Monday, September 29, 2008

Open Letter to Moose and Andy: Thinking retirement, eh? Have you looked at the economy lately?

Dear Madams or Sirs

If so, we wish you the best.

Moose, you stood up this year. You are a great pitcher, a great man, and you'll make a great pitching coach someday, hopefully, for our side.

Andy, you didn't gotta prove nothing. You are a great Yank, a great man, we will always admire your work and life ethic.

But... RETIRE? WTF? Are you guys snorting baselines?

Have either of you noticed a little doodad called the U.S. economy?

Well, let me brief you.

America is about to become a frickin Charlton Heston movie. We're talking zombies! food riots! apes on horses! shopping mall fountains full of blood! Statues buried to their navels! Guys, don't drink any Shamrock Shakes. SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE! SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE!

In case you haven't been converting your $10 million checks into weaponry, your your entire savings might be worth a Merrill Lynchian 22 cents on the buck. That's right, boys. Less than two-bits on the dollar. That means stems and seeds. Spam for Thanksgiving dinner. Forget the Sam Adams, we're drinking Pabst next year.

And that means one thing...



Friends, Wall Street is calling you back.

See you in the new park. The checks should cash. Just don't drink the Shamrock Shakes.

And I'd be wary of certain Peanut Butter, too.

Awards Season Begins: Hideki Matsui Leads Top 10 Yankee 2008 DH List

2. Jason Giambi
3. Johnny Damon
4. Xavier Nady
5. Jorge Posada
6. Wilson Betemit
7. Morgan Ensberg
8. Shelley Duncan
9. Richie Sexon
10. Billy Crystal

Penguins Brace for Hurricane Kyle

Above: Volunteer teams of penguins shore up sea wall, awaiting the storm surge from Hurricane Kyle. Local arctic hardware stores report shortages of rocks and boulders.

Alphonos Readies HImself for New Economy

"I've cashed in all my Lehman stock, my AIG
warrants, my Wachovia CDOs and I'm heading for Spring Training in Latin America.

I'll drive down through Mexico and catch a ferry to someplace. I figure when it is winter here, it'll be spring in Chile or Venezuela or Bolivia, and I can have a concession stand at any of the local spring training facilities.

My broker told me to be in commodities, so I bought oranges. I was going to sell them at SU football games this Fall, but most SU fans seem to be in sour moods and unwilling to spend.

I hear that Bolivia has a pitcher who stands 7'2" and weighs more than CC Sabathia. His fastball is at 116 mph on a local radar gun. If he has command and control, I'll sign him for the Yankees and get a commission.

It is all part of my ritual preparing me for the next great year of the Yankees.

After 44 great years, Mets say goodbye to their fanbase

NEW YORK _ In emotional ceremonies Sunday, the New York Mets bade their long-supporting fans farewell with a climactic loss to the Marlins of Florida.

The final moments reached a cresendo when fans altered the traditional chant "Let's go, Mets" to "Just go, Mets."

The Mets next year will play in a new stadium, before newer and much wealthier fans, along with crosstown rivals, the Yankees. Together, the two teams -- counting payroll, executive bonuses and the $1 billion price of new stadiums -- will have achieved the status of a virtual U.S. taxpayer bailout.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

It is High Yankeeography: Carl Pavano, The Bronx Buttocks

Our first epic. We even considered inserting an intermission with dancing Popsicles and bags of popcorn ... but we didn't.

Here it is, the latest horror movie (watch it if you dare!) -- Carl Pavano, The Bronx Buttocks!

Shame at Shea!

"Surly and bruised, they booed when players from the Florida Marlins came out to collect dirt from the basepaths. They booed every time the Mets announced anything over the public address system — “Our Shea goodbye ceremony will begin in five minutes,” was particularly unpopular. And, yes, they even booed Mr. Met."

Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream Flavors If Breast Milk is Used

Well, why the hell not?

Think of these delicious flavors.



Boobies’n Cream

Dolly Parfait

Death by Gazongas

Britney Spearmint

Marshmallow Teat

Melon Monroe

Reese’s Peanut Butter D-Cup

Lindsay Lemon

Colostrum Cobbler

La Leche Lime

Barvarian Wetnurse Crunch

Raquel Road

Silicone Swirl

Cantaloupe Custard

Bananamala Anderson


20 Game Winner!


...to our Flushing cisterns and brethren.

Yankees embrace diversity

... and possibly each other.

(Alfredo Aceves as the Indian; Humberto Sanchez as the Naval Officer; Juan Miranda as the Cop; Francisco Cervelli as the Biker; Brett Gardner as the Construction Worker; Dave Robertson as the Cowboy; Phil Coke as Tyler Kepner.)

Open Letter to Brian Cashman: Does snubbing Kei Igawa make you feel better?

Dear Madam or Sir,

Well, this is a strange question, considering how many punch lines we've draped around the ears of our famous Flying Monkey. But as we send Sir Sidney Ponson out to start in our final, meaningless day of this horrible season... it bugs us:

Why didn't you call up Kei Igawa this month?

He was, after all, Scranton "Pitcher of the Year." He performed well in the International League playoffs. He deserved a shot.

What if Igawa pitched well this week? Might some team have considered him in a trade?

Something feels icky. Igawa this season got one major league start. And, yeah, he sucked. He went three and gave up six. He got demoted. A month later, June, he got called up for one inning. No runs. He finishes with an ERA over 13.00.

Yet we trotted out Sir Sidney and Carl Pavano, every fifth day.

Why not Igawa?

OK, he's not on the 40-man? Sorry. There are ways to get a guy up. You just have to want it.

Obviously, you didn't.

There's something icky here.

All year, the Yanks seem to be punishing Igawa for not being a great pitcher.

They don't want to punish the people who dropped $26 million to sign him.
Frankly, it's not Igawa's fault that we whiffed on Dice-K, while the Redsocks did due dilligence and recognized how expensive he'd be.
It's not Igawa's fault that we whiffed on Okajima, whom the Redsocks signed for next to nothing.
Finally, it's not Igawa's fault that we shot money at him through a firehose, because we were embarrassed by our own incompetence and needed a poster boy from Japan.

Not his fault. He just took the money. Wouldn't anybody?

Actually, sir, it was your fault.

Here's somethng to ponder: We haven't pulled any meaningful talent out of Japan in five years. We haven't pulled any meaningful talent out of Cuba in 10, not since Andy Morales (whom we similarly shunned.) Our Latin American scouting system is a horror show scandal.
And now we act as if Igawa doesn't exist: snubbing him, making an example of him, ignoring him.

And not good business sense.

Some ballplayers are coming out of Japan these days. Watch the Chicago Cubs this fall. I hear they're in the playoffs.

Also, there's something else.
Word gets around in foreign markets. People talk. If an organization treats foreign players with vindictiveness, with ridicule, with unfairness... why would a guy want to play for them?

Some writers these days say we merely need to sign a few free agents, and everything will be all right.

Sir, that's bullshit. You have work to do.

If you aren't already doing it, you must overhaul our foreign scouting system. And do some internal thinking about the way we spend great effort to salvage the Pavanos, the Kennedys, the Hughes, the Ponsons, the Rasners, et al ... and then make a scapegoat out of the guy who doesn't speak the language.
There's a pitcher right now in Japan who might be the difference in 2009.
God help us if he's talking with Kei Igawa.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Best Sports Movie Ever Made

Just so it's said.

So long, Luke

Future Yanks Clinch AL East

Congratulations, Tampa Rays.

What time do you get off work?

Would you like to be paid for your efforts?

Have you ever dreamed of playing in a brand new stadium, in front of sell-out crowds?

Congratulations, Bobby Abreu

A hundred Arby-eyes!


Imagine... 100 RBIs...

Batting third in a lineup behind Johnny Damon and Derek Jeter...

In front of Alex Rodriguez and Jason Giambi...

Going basically the whole season, without injury...

With 10 percent of the RBIs coming in meaningless games.

A hundred Arby-eyes.

Sorry, comrades. Hate to be a sourpuss, but in that lineup, Bea Arthur would drive in 60.

Don't get me wrong: This wretched season is not Bobby Abreu's fault. He's got the winning smile. He's serviceable. With the exception of his walliphobia, he always plays hard.

Back in Philly, they ridiculed him as "the Tin Man," saying he had no heart. Well, they were wrong. He is a good man.

But Philly sure hasn't missed him, and they peddled him to us for next to nothing.

His skills are eroding, and he looks more like Kiki Garcia every day.

A hundred RBIs. Congratulations, Bobby Abreu.

Good night and good luck.

Friday, September 26, 2008

Mariano Rivera, U.S. economy, considering off-season surgery

BOSTON (AP) _ Yankees closer Mariano Rivera is considering whether to have offseason surgery on his sore right shoulder, joining the U.S. economy on the inactive list for the near future.

General manager Brian Cashman said before tonight’s scheduled game against the Boston Red Sox that Rivera can pitch through the pain until the season’s over. Then he might go under the knife.

Meanwhile, Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson said Wall Street plans to pitch in discomfort, until a new shoulder and arm can be purchased, courtesy of taxpayers.

Oh no! If final games get washed out, what will happen to our stats?

Moose: 19 wins.
Bobby: 99 RBIs.
Jose: 99 games
Jason: 19 doubles
Hideki: 9 HR
Melky: 9 SB
Chris Britton: 9 walks

Federal Bailout, Explained Via Baseball

If you don't get this Wall Street bail-out thingy, it's because the explanations come from weasel wonks in $900 suits.

We need the time-honored metaphor for life. Soooooo...

Imagine Henry Paulson as MLB Commissioner and Sidney Ponson as President.

Here are key provisions of the $700 billion U.S.A. Baseball Emergency Restoration & Response Act, (or BERRA.)

1. Due to bad deals and questionable acquisitions, MLB's premier franchise, the New York Yankees, has collapsed and will miss the playoffs.

2. The Yankees, simply stated, are "too big to fail."

3. MLB will spend $700 billion to buy the toxic contracts of distressed Yankee assets, such as Carl Pavano, Kei Igawa and everybody who played 1B since 2002.

4. MLB will also buy the half of Alex Rodriguez that fails in the clutch and may have boinked Madonna.

5. With the cash infusion, the Yanks will sign a whole new wave of overpriced free agents, prefering players over the subprime age of 35.

6. Yank ownership -- which forced out Joe Torre, scorned Johann Santana and coddled Robbie Cano -- from now on must fill out weekly time sheets.

7. Over the next month, the Tampa Bay Rays will be called "future Yankees."

8. Yank captain Derek Jeter will remain with the franchise, though he might lead Team China in the 2012 Olympics.

9. Next year, the Yanks will play 20 games in Iraq.

10. To cover higher ticket prices and cable TV fees, fans lose their homes.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Don't say we didn't warn you!

This is what our wise and exalted leader, El Duque, wrote just seven months ago on this very blog! (Of course, he wrote it with lots of big, bold, oversized letters in a whole bunch of different colors, but this will have to do):

Last October, the New England Redsocks won...

Now, a recession looms...


Since 1912, the Yanks have dominated baseball in all but six distinct periods, each characterized by unrest, economic downturns and war.

1. World War I (1913-1921): No pennant; more than 600 games lost. Red Sox win fourth Series in six years. Flu epidemic kills 650,000.

2. The Great Depression (1929-1931): No pennant. In October 1929, the Yanks finish 18 games out. Within weeks, the New York Stock Exchange collapses.

3. World War II (1941-46): One mere championship, team ravaged by military draft, massive deaths, finishes third or lower most years.

4. Vietnam War-Watergate (1965-1975): No pennant, no hitting, resignation of Richard Nixon, numerous managers.

5. Recession, Iran-Contra, Gulf War (1982-1995):
No pennant. In 1986, White House trades arms for hostages, and Yanks trade Doug Drabek for Rick Rhoden.

6. War on Terror (Sept. 11, 2001-present): No championship. And the Redsocks -- the terrorists -- have two.

To the average American, Yankee supremacy is normal.

Thus, each Yank loss heightens our collective sense of insecurity, undermining the nation's political and economic health.

By rooting for the Yankees, we at IT IS HIGH are rooting for America and trying to avoid recession.

And you who would root against us... ask yourself:

Do you care about your country?

Now look what's happened: The Yankees have missed the playoffs for the first time in 13 years and Yankee Stadium has been closed down ... and, suddenly, the United States - and, for that matter, the rest of the world - is teetering on the brink of a financial disaster, with taxpayers being asked to spend $700 billion to prevent the nation's economy from imploding.

Coincidence? Yeah, right.

So, for all you folks cheering that the Yankees' playoff run is over ... think about that when your next 401(K) statement comes in the mail -- and realize you have nobody to blame but yourselves (and, of course, Kennedy, Hughes, Cano, A-Rod, Melky, Giambi, the doofuses who decided to tear down Yankee Stadium, etc. ... )

10 Reasons Why the Yankees Should Bring Back Giambi

1. He is a good guy.
2. ________
3. ________
4. ________
5. ________
6. ________
7. ________
8. ________
9. ________
10. _______

Humina, humina, humina...

Open Letter to Brian Cashman: Does Your Contract Include a Hatchet?

Dear Madam or Sir,

Supposedly, Hank and Hal are giving you a week to decide whether to return as Yank consigliare.

If I were you, I'd would call and say "yes" today.

No, right now. Before finishing this post.

Before they change their minds.

Frankly, Mr. Cashman, you had a crapola year. You batted .224 with 6 home runs, which means you G.M.'ed the way Melky Cabrera played.

It's not your deals. (Hell, who'd complain about trading Kyle Farnsworth?) Or the deal you whiffed on. (Santana's good, but we still believe in Phil Hughes.) No, sir. It's something else.

It's the organization you built: Corruption among Latin American scouts, hubris in drafting kids who've made it clear they will not sign, aging hacks who clog the path for youngsters merely through the magnitude of their contracts, a marquee player whose life is turning into a succession of pole dancers and strikeouts with runners on base.

No, Mr. Cashman, something is horribly wrong with the organization you've built.

This is not a championship franchise. It's the Titanic.

So... if they want you back, say yes... soon.

And now, to the nitty gritty of this message.

Sir, if you're attached to this team and the personalities that comprise it... please quit. Now.

If you feel as though your friendship to certain players will inhibit your ability to let them go... please, walk. Now.

If you think the Yanks just need a tweak, a free agent, or a couple breaks from the umps next year, and everything will be OK, because the new stadium will sell-out anyway... please, sir... do yourself a favor... go.

Somebody has to exhume this Yankee cadaver, pull the organs apart with tweezers and somehow insert a new heart, a new brain and some courage.

The Wizard can't just give this team a ticking clock, a college diploma and third place medal for the American League East.

It's going to be messy this winter.

If you don't want blood on your hands... please, go. Now.

Seattle is nice in the fall. You can probably even trade for Melky.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Sarah Palin Meets with Space Alien

Alien verdict: "Most impressive specimen since Jill St. John."

Due to Financial Crisis, Hank Urges No Postseason

Due to the ongoing economic crisis and the future uncertainty of the financial sector, Hank Steinbrenner has petitioned Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig to postpone all postseason play until further notice.

"This is a time of national crisis, so I'm told," Steinbrenner said at a press conference today. "As such, it is our patriotic duty to suspend any talk of championships until such time as the situation has calmed down. That time probably being next February or March."

When asked if this was an unwarranted intrusion into the national game, Steinbrenner replied, "We cannot lose sight of the fact that millions of fans around the Northeast and in the Boca Raton area are facing terrible uncertainty this fall. Until that uncertainty lifts, we shouldn't proceed with the postseason. "

Such a move would prevent many millions of dollars being spent on games, money which could be used to alleviate the nation's lending and mortgage crises, according to Steinbrenner. It would also "buy time for brokerage and investment firms, so they can more easily afford skyboxes next year. I'm not talking about just our skyboxes, but also those for the Mets. I'm not being a selfish douche about this, believe me."

Open Letter to Yankiverse: Screw the Math: WE CAN STILL WIN THIS THING!

Dear Madam or Sir,

OK, this doesn't look good. They claim we're mathematically eliminated.

Well, didn't Dan Rather once claim that Al Gore won the presidential election? What if Karl Rove on that fateful night in November 2000 simply turned off the TV, hung his head, said, "Golly, Molly, we're mathematically eliminated," then went out and bought a hooker? Well, Karl didn't. He got on the phone, he called Fox News, he rallied the Supreme Court, and he said, we're winning goddammot! And he did!

Goddammot, it's time for Hank or Hal to pick up the phone, call ESPN or YES or Karl Rove and say we are going to be in the playoffs. There are ways to do this, there is a need for a Yankee presence, and we are not out of this yet.

OK, we must win our final five games. We go to Boston, we sweep three in a row in Fenway. They're floundering. We show up at the airport. We fight them. We show up at the playoffs, wherever they are, and hell, let's take our chances in the Supreme Court.

I know, I know, some of you are demoralized by this latest turn of events. That what fifth grade math did to us. They planted a pyschological chip in our heads that said, "When you are mathematically eliminated from a pennant race, it's over." But who... who were they? It was some balding wonky teacher, making $22,000 a year, yearning to diddle the volleyball coach. They had no right to steal our dreams, to write them on the blackboard and then erase them.

OK, I'm not gonna sugarcoat this. It does look bad. But let me remind you of how bad it looked for another great champion of the past: The legendary Bad New Bears.

In case you've forgotten, they were pummeled in the first game of the season by a team of little smug fucking assholes. The score was something like 30 to nothing. They had no pitcher. Their manager was a drunk. Not one of the players could catch a pop fly. They were the worst team in the league, the worst the league ever saw. They were worse than mathematically eliminated. The league wanted to throw them out. Did they quit? Hell, no. They recruited pre-puberty Tatum O'Neal. They got a little runt punk with a moped. They turned it around. They eventually toured Japan, inspiring a knockoff series starring Charlie Sheen, which to this day plays in the National Hockey League, the Anaheim Mighty Ducks.

We are going to win this thing.

Dan Rather, your math is wrong.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

"Whore Me Out At The Ballgame"

In honor of the 100th anniversary of "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" and the 85th and final year of Yankee Stadium.

Casey Kelly had quite the job,
Quite the envy of every slob.
This businessman was a slip'ry eel,
Cutting deals, greasing wheels.
He knew fuck-all of the national game,
But of this he was not ashamed.
When he saw poor saps lined up at the park
Trying to buy tickets, he'd bark,

"Whore me out at the skybox,
My firm takes care of the tab.
Clients just flew in from Washington.
We need to get plastered to get the deal done.
Oh, we'll write this off on our taxes,
Champagne, sirloin and fresh lox.
We might




Of the game
From our sweet skybox!"

Send in thuh-uh-uh-uh-uh Clown: John's call

When the Yanks are eliminiated, it just gets weirder and weirder.

A personal message from our captain

Monday, September 22, 2008

Here's some good news from the lower minors: WE HAVE NOTHING

That's what Baseball America says.

Not one Yankeelet cracked the NYP League's Top 20 Prospects List. Not even Jeremy "Beautiful Hair" Bleich, the closest we have to a top pick, before he eventually undergoes obligatory TJ surgery.

One kid of ours made the Gulf Coast League's Top 20.

The Redsocks, meanwhile, kicked ass. Three in Gulf Coast League, two in NYP.

Some say it's just Baseball America's hatred of Yankees. Some say we'll rule in the higher levels. (Paging Jesus Montero.) Some say all these rankings are bullshit.

Wait a minute. Those last people... they're right. These rankings are bullshit.

And this is the best news we can get: Nobody worth hyping.

We've been hyping these bozos for 10 years, with not much to show for it. If a Yankee kid raises eyebrows, the hype blogathon kicks in, his underwear gets sold on eBay, and suddenly he's the second coming of Jeter or Jorge or Marinano... when he's actually the next Ricardo Aramboles.

Have we wondered how much damage we do to the teenage head when we make a kid famous before he hits Double A? Last year, Jose Tabata turned into Mariah Carey. Ian Kennedy got so full of himself that he couldn't even notice when he was getting bombed. And last spring, Phil Hughes didn't seem to think stardom would be difficult; he must have been reading all those syncopathic comments on his blog.

Nobody on Staten Island made the A list?

Good. Let them stay hungry this winter.

You don't grow a forest in a year. Last winter, when Santana became available, we backed the idea of keeping Melky, Kennedy and Hughes (though Alphonso raged his doubts.) We did it mostly because we felt the Twins wanted a double-standard: Two pounds from us, one pound from everybody else.

Well, maybe they weren't. Maybe we were just hung up on all the bullshit hype out there that turns Yankee prospects into rock stars before they sing a tune.

Well, we can't change ours now. We still think Hughes viable -- same with Brett Gardner -- though the others look like dice rolls.

Next year, we'll have Melancon and Humberto -- pillar of the Sheffield trade -- Coke, Aceves and maybe JB Cox. By mid-season, maybe Austin Jackson.

We're just hope the Yankees do NOT pull a Doug Drabek trade. Remember him? We touted him, pitched him, he sucked for a year, so we peddled his butt to Pittsburgh for Rick Rhoden. There, he became the best pitcher in baseball.

Let's NOT do this with Phil Hughes. Please, please, please...

If we didn't trade him when his value was highest, let's not trade him when his value is lowest...

Right now... down in the bottom... the cupboard's bare.


Jeet's Speech

Sort of a bootleg video.

Last night: A Memorial Video

Tributes continue. Sights and sounds.

(Warning: This video contains Coldplay.)

John's Final Home Win-Warble Comes Up Short of Record

If the Yankees had given us a meaningful game, or a walk-off moment, I gotta believe he'd still be going.

As it was, without drama, he gutted it out for 7.38 seconds.

To delight of Flintstone fans everywhere, National Geographic recreates Wilma as tubby, tattooed hag, somewhat reminiscent of Giambi

A team of scientists, using ancient DNA and bones -- and scorning the evidence put forth by Raquel Welch in "One Million Years BC" -- has recreated the image of a neanderthal babe. They've named her "Wilma," after -- well -- Wilma.

Unfortunately, for Fred, this is what she looks like.

Yes, it does bear an uncanny resemblance to Giambi trying to lay down a bunt.


Last Yankee shortstop: Wilson Betemit.
Last batter: Brian Roberts.
Last run scored: Brett Gardner.
Last RBI: Robinson Cano.
Last hit: Jason Giambi.
Last error: Brandon Fahey.
Last stolen base: Bobby Abreu.
Last strikeout: Aubrey Huff.
Last pitched strikeout: Joba Chamberlain.
Last ground ball hit into doubleplay: Jason Giambi.
Last pinch hitter: Ivan Rodriguez, for Hideki Matusi.

The last inning, in case you went to bed


What have we done?

Sunday, September 21, 2008

The Last good Day of the Year

Yankee Stadium. September 21, 2008.

So the generation who grew up with the Yankees and the stadium now must say goodbye.

You have lived through the Depression, old girl, and too many wars including the big one in which America rallied for the right reasons and did the right thing, and made friends around the world. And everyone shared in it, from the grandson of Teddy Roosevelt, to the kid who could hit the spaldeen " three sewers " in the Bronx.

The great games on radio, then TV and, for those lucky ones, an occasional trip to the ballpark. It was awesome.

The names of the greatest players ever; the days when relief pitchers were the guys with bad arms and starters went nine; when Joe D got paid $85,000 a year and everyone was horrified with envy and a sense of excess.

It was great even when the "losers" came in , like the old Philadelphia Athletics, because they had future hall- of- famers and all stars playing for them, too.

So now they tear it down.

And our days, in a sense, have ended as well.

I don't know how to say thanks. I just hope I'll never give up trying.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

There Was a House that Ruth Built...


There was a House that Ruth Built
Beloved throughout the town.
It didn’t please the millionaires,
And so they tore it down.

It didn’t have a steak house.
No discos could be found.
The catered boxes were too few,
And so they tore it down.

They wailed about necessity,
Each face portrayed a frown,
But ticket prices were too low,
And so they tore it down.

They cried about tradition.
Great anguish, all around.
But money calls the shots these days,
And so they tore it down.

They’ll tell you how the clubhouse stank,
From sewers underground.
They never thought of fixing things.
They simply tore it down.

Oh, somewhere, fans still celebrate,
Great ballparks of renown.
There'll be no joy in Mudville.
They went and tore it down.

Twenty-eight thousand, three hundred and six Tampons pack Tropicana

That's almost two-thirds full.
It must have been Lamp Night.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Yankee Stadium... a song by Nils Lofgren

By Nils & Amy Lofgren

Sweet Amy cheers in wide-eyed wonder
from her Daddy’s arms
as Babe Ruth thunders
another home run out of the park
for all to see

Our hotdog vendor shouts and smiles
his peg leg from the real War
strolls these hallowed miles
we marvel at his endless stream
of funny wisecracks at the opposing team

In Yankee Stadium
in Yankee Stadium
in Yankee Stadium
everyone is beautiful
everyone is beautiful

The weary single Mom sits up straight
to her four young girls she radiates
a dignity
As DiMaggio storms the plate
a century of worship so commonplace

I squeeze my girl’s hand sit side on side
the Bronx twilight and her face collide
A picture so sweet I could cry
a joy and time stand still

In Yankee Stadium
in Yankee Stadium
in Yankee Stadium
everyone is beautiful
everyone is beautiful
In Yankee Stadium

For every soul who entered here
we raise a glass we shed a tear
A beauty in every face appears
hope and love’s alive tonight

In Yankee Stadium
in Yankee Stadium
in Yankee Stadium
everyone is beautiful
everyone is beautiful
(In Yankee Stadium)
oh my Yankee Stadium
everyone is beautiful
everyone is beautiful
Oh my Yankee Stadium
goodbye my beautiful
Yankee Stadium

An A-Dultery... from A-Rod

"Cynthia and Alex Rodriguez have amicably resolved their dissolution of marriage proceedings. They deliberately engaged in a private negotiation. This was and remains a personal family matter for both of them."
- A-Rod A-ttorney Alan Kluger.

It ain't over yet!

To all you naysayers who say the year's over, we're through, wait'll next year, blah, blah, blah ...

take a look at this, from ESPN's Web site:

See? according to their stats guys, we've got a 0.1 percent chance of making the playoffs!

So there.

The season's still alive.

And it's in the hands of tonight's starting pitcher ... Carl Pavano.

Godspeed, Carl.

When John meets Suzyn...

Another Huge Crowd in Tampa Bay


In the heat of the race.

So... which Rays shall we sign for Christmas?

Should the Yanks Pick up Bill Gates/Jerry Seinfeld ads?

Leave it to the "kids" of today to build the Hadron Large Supercollider of humor. That's what they've done with the rib-tickling TV Microsoft ad campaign that featured Bill and Jerry walking around the neighborhood, bantering about things like lovers. Not since Terry Bradshaw and Mike Piazza -- who are lovers, by the way -- have two guys been funnier on TV commericals while walking around the neighborhood, bantering about things.

And yet Microsoft is dropping the campaign. WTF?

Well, this is the opening we need. Hank the Yank has vowed to shake things up next winter, and what better way than through TV ads featuring Bill and Jerry walking around the town, bantering about things?

Hell, they can banter about Melky Cabrera.

Bill: Melky Cabrera is really something.

Jerry: Have you ever said the name Melky Cabrera three times in a row? It's weird.

Bill: Melky Cabrera, Melky Cabrera, Melky Cabrera.

Jerry: It's weird.

Bill: Let's go saw a board.

Fuckme, this is funny. This is how you sell tickets. This is how you create market share.

We need a theme for 2009. We need spokesmen. We need Bill and Jerry.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Tampa Bay Has Gone Absolutely Bonkers Over Its Rays

Sit down for this.

In showdown against Boston...



Iron Man-ny Ramirez hasn't missed a game since leaving Boston

"I mentioned a day off to Manny, and he said he doesn't need a day off and that was the end of that conversation. We'll keep playing him, and if we continue to win, we'll deal with it later."

-Joe Torre-

Ripken: No sleep tonight.

Moose Mourned

Wish we did this.

Alphonso, why didn't you do this?

This is good? Hello-o? Anybody out there? (Tap tap) Is this thing working? Can you hear me? Is this good?

What have we done?

How Arnold would have sounded, if he took acting lessons from John Sterling

He wouldn't be back.

Or governor of California.

Open Letter to Anonymous: We don't mind your comments on our site, but hacking into Sarah Palin's email? You have gone too far!

Dear Madam or Sir:

You goddamm bastard! (Or, bitch!)

We trusted you. We took you in. We accepted your comments in our comment section.

Now, you've gone and hacked into Sarah Palin's email?

You goddamm bastard. (Or, bitch.)

We should have known. Here's one of your comments from two days ago.

"Going to be a great offseason."

Yeah? What would you care? You were busy wriggling your evil skeleton key into the lockbox portal to sniff Governor Mom's e-panties like the stained-yellow nozzle from a $6 can of whippet brain-freezer. Yeah, some offseason for you! Maybe if you weren't so conniving, people wouldn't suspect Yank fans of foul play, and major league general managers would trade us their star players for the collection of overpriced bums we offer. IT'S ON YOU, ANO. IT'S ALL ON YOU.

Last weekend, you said this:

"If only the Yankees had made a move for Gore back in 2000..."

WTF? Was this some code for "We are preparing to fondle e-traffic into the Fox fox?" How dare you make such comments, while slinking around the Internet with your secret codes, leafing through private correspondence like you're picking the next Deep Purple album to play at a party for drunk Russian sailors. Shame on you.
WAIT A MINUTE: Aren't you the same guy -- or, gal -- who is always defending Arod?

Dead Heat: Yanks Tied with Jays in AL East Bronze Chase

Big. Win. Last. Night.


We are now tied with Toronto for third place with 81 wins and 71 losses. Don't hold me to those numbers. In honor of the presidential campaign, there is no need to look things up.

Meanwhile, get this:

Joe Girardi will embrace "Change" next year, according to this crazy write-up in the Post. I swear this is true:

Girardi said he will look back and learn.

"I like writing things down," he explained, offering a fascinating look into his world. "I write things down about people, about myself, and then you reflect on that all winter long. Take that into the next spring training and there are things that you will use and there are things you won't use because there is no doubt about it, the makeup of the team is going to be different whether it's one guy or five guys, seven or eight guys. It's going to be different next year."

Some things for Mr. Fascinating to write down:

Find 4 starting pitchers.

Hank S, funny walk -- rickets?

Fix first base.

Journey comeback tour, who knew?

Withdraw all money from bank.


What is deal with Bill Gates and Jerry Seinfeld?

Ponson, tummy tuck?

Remember to write stuff down.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

What Do You Plan to Do When It Mercifully Ends?

How about taking up sailing?

Or crafts??

Become a connoisseur of fine foods

Or even birding...

Remember, there's more to life than baseball.

If nothing else, this year's team has taught you that.

In Aftermath of Hurricane Hank: Looters Will Be Shot

It's come to this.


They better open another wing at Gitmo.

Having Served His Sentence, Cano Vows: "No More Text-Messaging at Secondbase"

NEW YORK _ A repentant Robinson Cano vowed Wednesday to never again text-message friends or family while playing in the field at Yankee Stadium, prompting manager Joe Girardi to tearfully forgive the embattled superstar and announce that, "Now he can go back to being great."

Cano, currently batting .259, endured 24 long, painful hours in Giardi's "penalty box" after he failed to chase after a ball, as it rolled by him. He later explained that he was listening to music out on the field, and he did not want to break the vibe.

In the following inning, Girardi removed the slugging Yankee great, presumably so they could swap songs on their iPods. The famous disciplinarian manager later defended his scrappy player, saying, "Robbie pointed to the ball and yelled for Abreu to take it. A lot of times, a prima dona player who is dogging it won't even bother to do that. This is something we're building on. By this time next year, who knows, maybe he'll bend down and point. We're excited at the progress."

In other news, the Yankees lost.

Time to Examine the Yankee's Investment Portfolio

I just read a headline that states," Capitalism is dead, now what?"

And that got me to thinking about the Yankee plans for the off-season.

Much has been speculated about acquiring some actual players such as; AJ Burnett, CC Sabathia and a few other super inflated paycheck position players, so I thought we needed to take a look at the Yankee's investment portfolio to see if, like those of many others', it may have taken a recent "hit" in the market plunge to last place.

In other words, can the Yankees realistically afford to acquire anyone, much less pay who they've got now?

Big George, of course, was a shipping magnate who converted to a real estate magnate , who converted to a Sports' Franchise magnate.

So let's first look at real estate; sub-prime portfolio investments + Alt A portfolio investments+ financing of REITs around the league = major surgery to net worth.

On the conservative side, how much was George's organization carrying in Bear securities? Or Fannie and Freddie ( both equity and preferred )? Everyone had AIG equity. How much did George buy from Ace Greenberg?

Did the Yankees CFO purchase Lehman credit default swaps to insure player loans for excess condos and McMansions?

Lehman preferred stock was throwing off a great yield until it "balked" the other day.

It makes one wonder just how much cabbage Hank and Hal still have to play with?

I think the naming rights to the stadium may soon have to be assumed by the Federal Govt.

Can't you see it now : Welcome to Palin Stadium....we still love Moose.

Everyone still breathing after this afternoon should immediately go to a bar and buy several drinks on credit.

Phil Hughes Leaves Broken Hearts in Scranton

Tonight, we are priviledged to view the return
of Phil Hughes, former Yankee "can't miss "

After helping Scranton blow the playoffs to some
bush league team ( one stocked with actual, young prospects ), Phil returns to the stadium while squeezing in a visit to his personal rib Dr.

He left two broken hearts at a bar in Scranton ( pictured at right, showing their dispair at Phil's promotion ), and who knows how many other dis-spirited fans.

At the stadium, he will be on a pitch count because he has only logged 30 innings thus far this year. So, I expect him to last until about 2 outs in the second inning.

If this prediction proves accurate, says "Ellie Maye " Groetz ( pictured at left ), Phil and i are going to join the Marine Corps.

Just remember Yankeedom; nothing matters in September.

The Final Starter at Yankee Stadium: Alfredo Aceves

Well, nobody predicted this.

Nope. Me sure didn't.

Me figured The Last Start would go to Andy, or Moose, or Chin-Ming, or maybe Hughes or Joba, who'd be challenging for the Cy Young, as we made one of those unforgettable September charges.

Alfredo Aceves.

Frankly, we should be happy. It could have been Carl Pavano or Sidney Ponson.

Alfredo Aceves.

Put this down in the book next to the notation that Pavano was 2007 opening day home starter. And that our lone LH reliever most of this season was Billy Traber. And that Robbie Cano, after dogging for a month, serves a 30-hour sentence and then is pronounced "ready to be great again."

Alfredo Aceves.

Nope. Me no get it.

They say America has a housing bubble. Baseball has a Yankee bubble. Both burst, and the aftermath is going to last a long time. We can sign free agents, and surely, we will buy bodies like a morticians school after the next hurricane. But it won't help. Beyond the adjustment phase of the new players coming to New York, our whole franchise will have to learn the nuances of a new park. What if it's a pitcher-killer like Coors Field, guaranteeing that Joba's ERA will never fall under 4.40? Or maybe a homerless expanse, like Detroit, so ARod next year will club 25? The new place won't be the same. I'll take us a season to adjust, to find the right hitters and move the fences in or out. And we don't have a wave of youth ready to step in.

We'll have Mariano, Jorge, Jeter, Arod, Damon, Moose, Andy, et al - great players, yes - all a year older, at the time of one's career when a year is a lifetime.

Here's a test: Name one emerging major league star on this team.

Joba? OK, we'll give you Joba. But he's no Dustin Pedroia and -- God, I hate to say this -- maybe not a Papelbon, either. After that?

Alfredo Aceves.

Wanna count the emerging stars on Tampa Bay and Boston? Or for that matter, Baltimore and Toronto?

Hank Steinbrenner keeps running around, promising big changes next year. He sounds like the Presidential candidates, blathering how they'll solve this financial meltown. What are we going to do, appoint a 9/11 Commission to study this? (Actually, that's sort of what Hank is saying, when he talks about putting together a committee to oversee Cashman.)

Alfredo Aceves.

The answer to a future trivia question.

Meanwhile, the huge questions facing this team?

No answers in sight. But, hey, new urinals.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Poetry Corner: Hey you, Abreu!


Hey, you! Abreu!
Catch that ball.
Have you ever in your life
Gone near a wall?

Yeah, you! Abreu!
With too many pop flies.
Hitting third for the Yanks,
With far too few RBIs.

Hey you! Abreu!
Spring, summer, fall.
Sorry, dude; we liked you,
We've just hit the wall.

If Suzyn came coked, here's how they'd sound

It's gotta beat being driven by Jeep.

The Yanks' Problems are America's Problems: Coincidence?

Two days after arguably the Yanks' worst loss this season -- with sloppy fielding, lack of hustle and embarrassed by a pitcher they'd previously hammered, to open their final homestand at the stadium -- Wall Street posts its worst loss in years.

Despite reassuring statements by Hank Steinbrenner, Joe Girardi, George Bush and Henry Paulson, a sense of gloom is everywhere.

Yesterday's stock market collapse was the worst since 2001, the year the Yanks' string of World Championships ended in Arizona.

The Bank of America, hoping to restore confidence, is purchasing Merrill Lynch. The Yanks, hoping to restore confidence, will likely purchase C.C. Sabathia.

The end of the season, and Election Day, cannot come soon enough.

As major leaguers, both Ian and Teddy Kennedy's days are numbered.

The fan base has been sidetracked by meaningless issues, such as lipstick and mustaches. ("You can grow a mustache on a pig, but it's still a DH.")

We are being bypassed by foreign powers, including even the Toronto Blue Jays.

Years after the horrible Redsock attack on New York, they remain at large, mocking us more than ever. We have done nothing to avenge ourselves. Soon, the debate will center on whether we should drill Kevin Youkilis -- (We should, but with limits.) -- but it will not help us in the short run.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Exclusive: Advance Audio of John's Final 2008 Win-Warble

IT IS HIGH Selected for Big Commercial Ap

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(Alphonso? I think they're calling your number...)

Which is Worse? State of Yanks or State of Banking System? An in-depth analysis.

Throughout history, when the Yankees flounder, America falls into the doldrums. Look it up, folks, if you don't believe us.

Problems facing Yankees:

Lack of confidence in future assets. (Hughes, Kennedy, Melky)
Toxic acquisitions. (Arod)
Collapse of bedrock institutions. (Giambi, Wang)
Ongoing crisis in leadership. (Hal, Hank, Cashman)
High costs of energy. (Cano benched for lack of hustle)

Problems facing Banking System:

Questionable moves by manager. (Paulson)
Horrible pitching. (Lehman Bros)
Lack of player development. (Foreclosures)
Bloated payrolls. (CEO salaries)
Carl Pavano. (Carl Pavano)

Sunday, September 14, 2008