Friday, September 26, 2008

Federal Bailout, Explained Via Baseball

If you don't get this Wall Street bail-out thingy, it's because the explanations come from weasel wonks in $900 suits.

We need the time-honored metaphor for life. Soooooo...

Imagine Henry Paulson as MLB Commissioner and Sidney Ponson as President.

Here are key provisions of the $700 billion U.S.A. Baseball Emergency Restoration & Response Act, (or BERRA.)

1. Due to bad deals and questionable acquisitions, MLB's premier franchise, the New York Yankees, has collapsed and will miss the playoffs.

2. The Yankees, simply stated, are "too big to fail."

3. MLB will spend $700 billion to buy the toxic contracts of distressed Yankee assets, such as Carl Pavano, Kei Igawa and everybody who played 1B since 2002.

4. MLB will also buy the half of Alex Rodriguez that fails in the clutch and may have boinked Madonna.

5. With the cash infusion, the Yanks will sign a whole new wave of overpriced free agents, prefering players over the subprime age of 35.

6. Yank ownership -- which forced out Joe Torre, scorned Johann Santana and coddled Robbie Cano -- from now on must fill out weekly time sheets.

7. Over the next month, the Tampa Bay Rays will be called "future Yankees."

8. Yank captain Derek Jeter will remain with the franchise, though he might lead Team China in the 2012 Olympics.

9. Next year, the Yanks will play 20 games in Iraq.

10. To cover higher ticket prices and cable TV fees, fans lose their homes.


Anonymous said...

How does Hank Steinbrenner and the suspension of his presidential campaign fit into all this? And did he actually kill the Paulson deal yesterday?

adam said...

i know you guys aren't statistically inclined or reasonable at all, but this is a really great article about what the yanks need to do in the offseason.