Friday, September 12, 2008

In Final Days, Yank Players to Turn Historic Stadium into "World's Largest Spittoon"

OK... if you're catching angry vibes here, regarding our Canyon-of-Heros wash-outs, your puke-detectors are reading properly. I'm trying to work through this: Counseling. Meds. Jean-Paul Sarte books. Pamela Anderson tapes. Whatever it takes.

But today we start the most painful two weeks in Yankee history.

Sure, you could say nothing compares to the insult of 2004, watching our team fold like a cheap accordion, squandering the three-game lead against Boston.

But at least everybody then went home. (Correction: We went home; the players went on cruises.) We didn't have to attend another 10 games and cheer the criminals -- yes, criminals: some of these guys should be charged with theft of service, or trespassing on public property or, better yet, treason -- yes, goddammit, treason! -- for the one-testicled effort they gave us this year. I swear, over the next three weeks, I'm going to write a mean, evil poem about every one of these bastards (except Mariano, maybe a few others), and I hope the damn things follow them the rest of their careers.

In the 1980s, when we fell out of contention, they'd play the last in front of 15,000 afternoon drunks, and you could hear the hotdog vendors in the upper deck. This year -- because we're about to tear down a great cathedral of culture so the millionaires in the fourth inning can saunter from their luxury boxes to in-stadium leather disco -- we've got 10 full houses to go.

Sell-out crowds.

Sell-out players.

Me? I'm rooting for the Rays. I hope they win by 10, so in the late innings, the Yanks can feel an occasional droplet and think, "Hm-mm, that's funny? They didn't predict rain."

What are we going to do? Put on a push and suddenly start winning meaningless games? Pad our numbers for next year's contracts?

Send more Pamela tapes. These next two weeks are gonna suck.



Dr. Brown said...

There's only one possible salvation here; I prescribe: relax with a celray, and cheer on those Twinkies. Fondly, Dr. B

Anonymous said...

I am not rooting for the Tampons. No way. Have you heard their TV announcers. It's the reincarnation of Stan and Yosh Schmenge.

Anonymous said...

I'll be at three of those last ten. I'm part of the problem, I know, in some sense. But then again, I don't plan on visiting the Interactive Yankeetainment Experience Presented by Tampax next year, or perhaps ever, so I have to take what I can get.

Alibi Ike said...

You say that like there'd be something wrong with the reincarnation of the Happy Wanderers.

Yankee Stadium could use such earnest merrymaking..

"Hey! How 'bout them Cabbage Rolls?"

"Never mind that, how 'bout that COFFEE!"

"Everybody! Let's POLKA!"

Anonymous said...

I'm with Duque on this one. Lay down for the next three, in an attempt to hurt Boston.

We are giving it our best shot, tonight, with Sidney on the hill.

The only thing better we can do is pitch Rasner tomorrow and then give Ian Kennedy another major league start.

The all stars of the South Mexican dirt-field league can beat these phonies.

Anonymous said...

Ike (if that's your real name):

I love the Schmenges. I'm an honorary Lutonian. I even know what they did with Moe Green after the ransom offer was refused. But Yosh and Stan would be the first to admit that they're not play-by-play men. Or even colored guys.

Pass the coffee!