Sunday, January 31, 2010


Who will be Mr./Ms. January...?

Brian Cashman... weeding out pesky World Series heroes.
Johnny Damon... gone, but not forgotten.
Kei Igawa... forgotten, but not gone.
Randy Winn... newest switch-hit sensation.
David Cone... silence of the lamentations.
Greg Golson... newest jewel in Scranton skyline.

Kevin Towers... assist G.M. competing for Cash's favor.
Jean Afterman... assist G.M. competing for Cash's favor.
Jennifer Riley... director client relations, wrote email to soothe ticket-holders.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Yankee Fan of the Week: Eliot Spitzer clears air, says was barefoot

All that crap about wearing black socks, it was a lie, perpetrated by anonymous sources, who sought to bring him down!
Frankly, I understand this, because I'm constantly dealing with Anonymous, who would just as easily pass such lies about my feet.
I've learned that Anonymous will say anything in order to satisfy his kinky tastes (a Javier Vazquez-Nick Johnson sandwich?) in footware.
You go, Ellie!


Very few things piss me off more than moving minor league teams away from the small towns & cities that don't have other pro sports and to suburbs of major-league cities. Upstate NY has been pillaged so much it sickens me.


This one happened like this: Oneonta loses their team to Norwich, CT, who lost their team to Richmond, VA, who lost their team when the Braves moved their AAA affiliate to Suburban Atlanta. Pisses me off.

Cal Ripken bought and moved the Utica club (PUN) to his hometown in Suburban Baltimore, where there are 2 MLB and multiple minor league squads nearby. Great that a team in MARYLAND is in the NEW YORK - PENN LEAGUE. Asshole.

Elmira, Utica, Albany-Colonie, and now Oneonta all had teams ripped away from the good people living there who don't have the opportunity to have any other pro team. And far too often, they get moved to suburbs of large Major League cities. Hide, Batavia!! Enjoy it while you've got it, Auburn! You're next.

And yes, this holds to our own favorite MLB city. Why does Staten Island and Brooklyn need minor league teams?? Take a subway ride and you've got slightly more than 1 MLB franchise to see.

Former Yankee Gedaminski Going into Hall of Fame

Hon joo, Todd Gedaminski, going into the LINCOLN LAND COMMUNITY COLLEGE (pictured right) ATHLETIC HALL OF FAME on FEB. 6

Golf and Baseball 1983-85

Todd was named Male Athlete of the Year in 1985. He was named All-Region and team MVP in baseball in 1985. In golf, he was an individual qualifier for the 1985 NJCAA national golf tournament. He went on to play baseball at the University of Florida, where he received Fireman of the Year in 1986. After college, he played professionally with the New York Yankees.

Beer arrives too late to save Oneonta baseball

Despite a heroic, last-ditch attempt by alcoholics to save the day, Oneonta -- a former collective-farm jewel within the Yankee northern tundra -- is losing its team after 44 years.

The news comes two seasons after MLB pulled out of the annual Hall of Fame Game in nearby Cooperstown. The NYP League should stand for New York Past.

This from the Mayor of Oneonta:

"It does seem strange to me that the league, which has had a successful franchise (in Oneonta) for 44 years, would be proactive about moving that franchise over a four- to five-month period without being even slightly sensitive to the concerns of a community that has supported them for so long. When I walk away from this thing, that's the bitter taste in my mouth... Don't we count for something?"

But wait... here's the cruelest part of the deal:

The announcement came two days after the New York State Liquor Authority
conditionally approved a ballpark beer license filed by Oneonta Concessions, LLC that would allow the O-Tigers to sell alcohol at Damaschke Field this summer for the first time since its affiliation with the NY-Penn began in 1966.

The beer arrived too late.

Letter to the Editor: Thank you, Redsock fans

News-Journal (Daytona Beach, Florida)
January 25, 2010 Monday

Dear Editors

The good people of Massachusetts have spoken. By electing the Republican to the U.S. Senate they have denied the rest of the nation any chance of getting the same government-mandated health insurance they have. Truth is, Massachusetts has the lowest percentage of uninsured while Florida has one of the highest. All I can say to my beanpot friends is "Go Yankees" and remember "Bucky bleeping Dent." May the curse be resurrected.

Palm Coast

Friday, January 29, 2010

The Sorrow And The Pity

"Johnny Damon is open to joining the Blue Jays." [MLB Trade Rumors]

El Duque Rhetoric Costs Yankees a Season Ticket Holder

A Yankee fan who obviously has been reading El Duque's rhetoric about the team's off-season moves has put his head in the proverbial bucket of ice water and declined to renew his season tickets for 2010.

Here's the story from Deadspin.


News from around the Yankees' home borough...

• Starving Bronxites forced to sell their guns:
This weekend the NYPD had one of its gun buyback programs in The Bronx, in which they gave $200 cash cards to anyone turning in a firearm, no questions asked. In 2008 Brooklyn took in nearly 700 guns in one day and that was considered a big success. This weekend's Bronx event, held at four local churches, took in 1,186 firearms -- a new city record. 
• Bronx youth takin' it to the 'burbs:
MONTROSE - A Bronx man and woman were arrested with $10,000 in heroin Tuesday night and accused of drug dealing around Coachlight Square, Westchester County police said.

• The Archbishop of Canterbury is all like, I gotta see this Bronx shit with my own eyes:
People lined up along the fence outside St. Ann's Episcopal Church in the Mott Haven section of the South Bronx Jan. 27 waiting for their turn to get inside -- not to get a glimpse of Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams, who was incidentally visiting, but to shop the parish's weekly Wednesday morning food pantry.

Williams arrived and left with little fanfare. More food pantry clients lined up along the fence outside, paying little notice. 
UPDATE: Check the comments for a link to an important developing story about skunks!

Joe DePastry's 10 reasons to be glad about the signing of Randy Winn

1. reduced the unemployment rate

2. he won’t hit his 2 homeruns for the Red Sox

3. better arm than Damon, better knees than Matsui

4. higher OBP than Adrian Beltre

5. steals more bases than Melky

6. cooler name than Eric Hinske

7. hit as many homers in majors last year as Greg Golson hit in the minors

8. younger than Jimmy Wynn; less dead than Early Wynn

9. higher batting average and fewer strikeouts than Mike Cameron

10. whatever his VORP is, they’ll probably get even better when they replace him

News from Yankee Country: "Faster, Pussycat, Trowel, Trowel!"

She didn't realize that every litter bit hurts.

It is time to take nominations for January YANKEE EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH

Keep in mind... the Curse...
I've got Cashman.
Curtis Granderson?
Randy Winn?
It is time to celebrate democracy again.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Yankee lineup of the decade takes shape

Take that, Boston:

ss Derek Jeter
cf Bernie Williams
rf Paul O'Neill
3b Alex Rodriguez
1b Tino Martinez
lf Hideki Matsui
dh Jason Giambi*
c Jorge Posada
2b Robbie Cano

*Can't have Hideki bat twice

(OK: Here's my take on Boston's team:)

2b Dustin Pedroia
cf Johnny Damon
lf Manny Ramirez
dh David Ortiz
lb Kevin Youkilis
rf J.D. Drew
3b Mike Lowell
ss Nomar Garciaparra
c Jason Varitek

Who's better?

Madcap Redsock Fans Create New Form of Fun

Alphonso's dream has finally come true.

No money for Damon, but we can spring for an extra assistant GM?

Apparently, that's the case. We're hiring Kevin Towers, formerly of the legendary San Diego Padres machine, to become Cashman's assistant.

OK, I guess this post does sound a bit caustic, and Cash doesn't deserve it: He won a World Series, and we've got to give him credit. One thing he's showing this winter is guts. Brains? Not sure. Guts, definitely. And there's something to be said for guts.

But it's piss-rotten timing to end the Yankee career of Damon, via the famous Yankee poormouth, while uncovering a stash to maintain the Full-Employment Act of 2010 for Fellow Executives. And that's what this looks like.

When players sign contracts, their pay shouldn't be compared only to others at their position. I think they should be compared to Bud Selig's $16.5 million per year.

America Has Spoken

Redsock propaganda machinist Ken Burns can burn.

Winn's Two Homers Per Year Can Make the Difference

Here's the thing; if his homers come as " walk-offs"

in games 6 and 7 of the World series, the Winn acquisition
will make Cashman's career.

If they come in 8-1 losses to Detroit........

What Cashman has done this off-season is madness. Madness, I say.

Also, if Winn hits about .180 against lefties ( in a good year ) and Granderson hits .142, how will we ever win against a lefty?

We have about 8 guys sharing time in left-field, and no one can hit. No one.

News from Yankee Country: Laptop Lapdance at 60-mph... Truck Driver Was Watching Porn at Moment of Fatal Crash

The driver of a tractor-trailer was watching a pornographic movie and had been on the road too long when he smashed into a disabled car last month on the Thruway, killing the driver, state police said Wednesday.

Just when you thought it was safe to leave the rest stop.

The State of the Yankees Address

My fellow Yankee fans...

I come before you tonight... AS A PROUD FOLLOWER OF THE 2009 WORLD CHAMPION NEW YORK YANKEES! (Loud applause, chants of "N.Y.Y... N.Y.Y...")

Nevertheless, the state of the Yankees this day is one of sadness and loss. Our lineup this year will be markedly different than the team that brought us so much joy.

Just as Americans have tightened their belts and stopped reading printed material, so have we cut costs. This pains the Yankiverse. I too feel your weariness, your uncertainty.
We face not just empty No. 2 and No. 5 spots in our lineup, but empty No. 2 and No. 5 spots in our hearts. (Modest applause, camera close-up on First Lady Minka Kelly in gallery.)

Meanwhile, our enemy has grown stronger, showing no sign of the fiscal restraint faced by our ruling family. They now have six starting pitchers, a vastly improved defense and the second-ranked farm system in baseball, according to a recent analysis. Make no mistake: This is going to be one tough jizzbag of a year.

We have the game's best hitting prospect in Jesus Montero, but no place to put him.

We have two of the game's finest young pitchers in Phil Hughes and Joba Chamberlain, but no defined role for either.

We have three of the game's future Hall of Famers -- in Alex Rodriguez, Derek Jeter and Mariano Rivera -- but no guarantee of their health.

In essence, we have exchanged Johnny Damon and Hideki Matsui for Curtis Granderson and Nick Johnson, (scattered booing)... and if the move fails... the steel-toed boot of history will land squarely in our nuts.

We have just given up Melky Cabrera so Javier Vazquez can again wear a Yankee uniform (loud booing), and if he still cannot pitch in New York, the steel-toed boot of history will land squarely in our nuts.

We had vowed to get younger, yet we have traded prospects and now face the position of expecting another solid year from Andy Pettitte -- something we weren't doing at this time last winter -- and hoping for 35-year-old Randy Winn to play left field... and if this does not work, the leaden steel-toed shit-kicker of history will crush our gonads into grape nuts! (Silence.)

My friends... this is no time to head for the hills.

My friends... we are not in this for a Wild Card.

My friends... we have made a huge transition... for better or worse.
This is the year we transition into a dynasty... or a depression.

We are no longer the 2009 World Champion New York Yankees.

We are the New York Yankee team of 2010. God bless the Yankees, and God bless us all.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

To ease the depression, a hopeful note: Randy Winn hits in the clutch

I still want to just stick my head in a bucket of icewater.

I truly thought we were posturing, that we would never let Johnny Damon go for a few measily million dollars.

This is a dark day for Yankee fans. I don't mean to whine about Randy Winn. It's not his fault. I don't mean to complain about Cashman. He had a budget. And it's not my money. It's the Steinbrenners' money, inherited legally, though it all comes from us at some point, doesn't it?

Well, this is the day we bury the Yankee once known as Johnny Damon. Some commenters get pissed when we question Yankee moves. Fine. But I cannot see how any fan who ever appreciated Damon's play and persona can celebrate the end.

I hope they're careful about who wears No. 18 next year.

If this plays out the way most of them do (Tino, Nellie, Stanton, Javy, Nick Johnson...) Johnny will come back someday. They all get a curtain call, don't they?

Two-fifty-two, two home runs, in five-hundred-and-thirty-eight at-bats, at age thirty-five, in a lesser league

These are the numbers that have effectively ended the Johnny Damon era in New York, and bring to close the progression of increasingly testy exchanges between Brian Cashman and the Yankiverse.

Randy Winn is our new leftfielder.

He was an all-star in 2002.

Last year, he was paid $9.6 million.

I guess you could say, for $2 million, we're getting him cheap.

He is a switch hitter. Last year, he batted .158 from the right side.

Excuse me now. I'm going to go soak my head in a bucket of icewater.

I'm Getting Smaller and So Are the Yankees

Why in the world are we signing throw-away players who all have the

following characteristics;

1. They are 36 years old, or will be, by game time.
2. They can't hit for power or in the clutch.
3. They can't hit both lefties and righties ( pick one only and hit .262 ).
4. They once were considered good, average role players.
5. Now, they are gap-fillers for a good softball league.
6. They have no good years left. Maybe a good week.
7. They only need $2 million to sign with us. Their true value is $1.50.
8. Many of them once had speed.
9. Nick Johnson is faster than they are now.

I'll give you a full read on this brewing disaster of a season when I see these geriatrics live in Tampa. And I promise to be well lubricated while making my notes.

Is anyone actually pleased with anything the Yankees have done this off-season?

And don't give me some song about how we got Granderson. We paid a king's ransome.
Does anyone believe we are better off with Winn than Damon?
How is Posada going to get any rest at age 39 ( though still faster than Winn)?

I'm telling you, we are headed right off a cliff in 2010.

War On The Yankees: Somebody Doesn't Like Randy Winn's Wife

Somebody doesn't like Randy's Winn's wife, for reasons she can't quite express.

Thu-uh-uh-uh-uh Yankee Winn!

The Yankiverse has spoken and Brian Cashman listened.

IIH readers having soundly rejected Johnny Damon as a Yankee Outfielder of the Decade, Cashman has signed former Giants outfielder Randy Winn to a one-year contract for approximately $2 million.

News from Yankee Country: Shark fears take hold in St. Lawrence River

Pittsburgh Spits In Face of Yankee Fans Everywhere

This stinks. Now I don't feel so bad about stealing Willie Randolph.

We should build a pyramid for Aaron Boone.

Tea Party Opposing Federal Funds for Ken Burns Movie

Across the nation, news of Ken Burns' plan to use taxpayer money to fund a Redsock propaganda film is sending good Americans into the streets.

Obama, taking cue from Cashman, to announce spending freeze tonight


Other elements of the President's State of the Union message, leaked to IT IS HIGH, include:

1. Vow to shore up left-leaning offense by signing more hitters who veer to the right.

2. Claim that Yankee fans will embrace stances of Javier Vazquez, even though they denounced him in 2008.

3. Argue that war against Boston will end in July 2011, though field general Girardi says this is impossible.

4. Denounce growing movement of radical fans who place all faith in Jesus Montero.

5. Announce plans to retire Jeter and Mariano in 2012.

6. Introduce new Arod girlfriend, sitting beside Michelle in gallery.

7. Discuss recent Supreme Court decision to allow corporate luxury boxes on playing field.

8. Announce Kei Igawa relief mission to Haiti.

9. Unveil new administration spokesman, John Sterling.

10. Admit recent mistakes, such as nation's failure to sign John Lackey.

Remembering the Day our 2009 season changed: Aug. 7, 2009 -- John's all-time WinWarble

On August 7, Boston was in town for the second of a four-game series. We were in first, but they had owned us throughout the first half of the season. They were smirking like the bastards that they are. They had Josh Beckett pitching, and we were sending out AJ Burnett, who had been sort of a disappointment, even though nobody wanted to say it out loud.

Beckett went 7 innings and gave up only four hits. Burnett outpitched him. He went 7.2 and gave up one hit.

Next came Phil Hughes, then Mariano, then Aceves for three innings, Bruney for two, and finally Phil Coke. By then, the Redsocks were pitching somebody named Tazawa.

In the 15th inning, Derek Jeter led off with a single. Damon and Teixeira went down. Then Arod came up. He hit one into the bleachers in left-center.

And then John Sterling unleashed the only recorded WinWarble in history running over 8.00 seconds. His 8.02 second effort -- without any verbal enhancements -- remains the greatest warble in history. See it. Touch it. Hear it.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Cubs fill their DH needs with Nady, and another X goes off the board in the Johnny Damon tic-tac-toe match

There was talk that we would sign Xavier Nady instead of Johnny.
No more of that.
The Cubs signed Nady this afternoon.
This seems to be boiling down to a decision between Johnny Damon and Reed Johnson.
Yeeesh. I would hate to be Reed Johnson, if the Yankees actually try to peddle him as Damon's replacement. We might as well bring back Rondell White.


We traded minor league infielder Mitch "Dimaggio" Hilligoss for minor league outfielder Greg Golson.

Scranton might be looking at an undefeated season.

News from Yankee Country: Rain Melts Ice Palace

Open Letter to Ken Burns: Here are some photographs for your Redsock propaganda project

Dear Madam or Sir,
We hear you, man!
You need pictures of the big celebration of 2004
for your 19-part miniseries
on how the Redsock triumph lifted our nation!
Great idea! We dug into our shoebox.
Hope these will work:

Here's Maybelle, Gertrude and Nomar! (After the trade Nomar became a McNugget!)

After the final out, Eddie's gang went berserk with jubilation.

Polly tore the house apart looking for her Boston cap.
Mrs. Gillespie stopped by with some fireworks.

I feasted.

Larry came over.

Monday, January 25, 2010

News from Yankee Country: Hammond Student Pushes Supt

It's gotten out of hand. Somebody has to put a stop to this.

O'Neill vs Damon for Third Yankee Outfielder of the Decade (2000 - 2009) - Tale of the Tape

O'Neill - 279 games (two seasons) - .275 BA, .774 OPS, 39 HR, 36/48 SB;
29-96 in postseason, 2 HR, 10
RBI; one WS ring

Damon - 576 games (four seasons) - .285 BA, .821 OPS, 77 HR, 93/121 SB;
27-99 in postseason, 5 HR 17 RBI; one WS ring

Unrest and Deceit: Redsock fan hacks Conan Twitter Account

A lying, cheating Redsock fan is responsible for some of the crap on the "Conan on FOX" Twitter page ... TMZ is reporting.
We are hereby raising the level of our IT IS HIGH firewall to FULL ALERT STATUS. NOBODY GETS IN. NOBODY GETS OUT.

Nine Points about Hanoi Ken Burns, who is now doing Redsock propaganda

In case you haven't heard, the Civil War profiteer plans a film to glorify his masters at the Redsock Nation. Should we be surprised? Nine points to ponder about "Ken"
1. The bastard's originally from Brooklyn. His dad probably was a Dodgers fan, who hated the Yankees.
2. He went to college in Amherst, a hotbed of radical Redsock fundamentalism, where his hatred crystalized.
4. He's chock full of fucking bullshit: "Um, jazz is the only art form Americans have ever created, and – a hugely instructive story of who we are, and the fact that it's diminished only represents that it's in a trough right now. What I have been interested in over the last 35 years is, is asking one deceptively simple question, which might suggest that I've been making the same film over and over again –and that question is, who are we? Who are those strange and complicated people who like to call themselves Americans? What does an investigation of the past tell us not only where we've been, that is to say, the past in the stories I'm telling, but where we are and where we're going."
5. He says "um" a lot.
6. He makes coffee table books.
7. He has the gall to edit his pro-Redsock manifesto in NYC.
8. He intends to air his Yankee hate-screed next October, during the playoffs.

Pinch-Hitting Blogger: Evil Gary Coleman

(Continuing our month-long charity drive to introduce millions of readers to obscure Yankee bloggers, we bring you a fave who's been writing on the edge for some time: Evil Gary Coleman. Evil Gary filed this last night from jail, where he faces domestic abuse charges. His Blackberry ran out of batteries, so he scribbled on the wall in cafeteria spaghetti sauce. But he's still got his mojo.)

Theo Epstein, I will kneecap you. You hear me muffukk? Ping. That's what it'll sound like. Ping. Next thing, you'll be short, too. I'll hide in the laundry hamper. I can go anywhere. I can get Papelbon. I can get Papi. If I jump, I can hit Mike Lowell's hip. I'm not afraid. You're gonna be short. FUCK THE PIGS! That's all I'm saying.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

News From Yankee Country: Syracuse basketball fans resort to torture tactics to spook opponents

Ken Burns Plans Chilling Horror Series

Now Is the Time - Show Brian Cashman Who the Yankees Should Add as Outfielder/DH By Voting for the IIH Yankee Outfielders and DH of the Decade




At risk for carpal tunnel syndrome?

Ease your troubled mind and body about the pending Yankees 2010 outfielding crisis by casting your vote for the IIH Yankee Outfielders and DH of the Decade (2000 thru 2009).

An outpouring of support could be just the thing Brian Cashman needs to convince him to sign that special someone for another season, assuming that someone is not already engaged in another career or under contract to another team.

The top three vote-getters in the outfield category will be named Yankee Outfielders of the Decade, so be sure to vote for three or more candidates.

Ready? Go!

Open Letter to Brian Cashman: For Godsake, Sign Damon Already!!!!!

Dear Madam or Sir:

OK, you impressed us. You know how to bargain. Landing Nick Johnson is the stuff of Nobel Prizes. May we never face you in arbitration or a garage sale.

But now it's time to punt corporate responsibilities and do the right thing.

Sign Johnny Damon.

For three months now, Yankee blogs, Yankee writers and Yankee fans have clamored for Johnny updates like stray dogs outside a Hormel plant. Listen, Cash... if you can't see how much the Yankiverse loves this guy, then you driving too fast to read the highway signs, you are eating potato chips too quickly to read the ingredients, you are sleeping with too many women to recognize the... OK... losing train of thought... let's leave it there.

BUT LOOK AROUND, CASH... even today -- they're still writing about Johnny.

Yes, Brett Gardner can play LF. (Jamie Hoffmann? Well, a few of us do remember Josh Phelps.) But Boston just broke their piggy bank. And we're an OF injury away from -- what -- "Now batting, the leftfielder, Number 73, Colin Curtis..."? Our bottom three hitters could be Molina, Gardner and Hoffmann. That's the Washington Nationals. There's no guarantee Nick Swisher ever sees .240 again. Have you forgotten how two years ago, our vaunted team just stopped hitting?

No. Of course, not. You know this. You built a championship team. Your acumen is not in doubt. But what we're worrying about is the brothers. Have they grown that tight?

Old George would never $5 million stand in a way of a guy who's given as much as Johnny Damon.

You gotta get to them. You gotta tell them: If they don't sign him, they could be digging deeper into their pockets on June 21, looking for a salary dump hitter that also costs prospects.

Sign Johnny Damon. Stand up, Cash! Sign Johnny Damon, and we can win two in a row.

Sign Johnny Damon. Sign Johnny Damon. Dammot, I'm not gonna stop until you do it.


Letter to the Editor: Yankee Fan Comes Through in Clutch

Rochester Democrat and Chronicle (New York)
January 22, 2010 Friday

Dear Editor

I would like to thank the gentleman with the Yankees hat who stayed with me after I crashed my car on the ramp from Route 590 north to Route 104 west on Dec. 28. I do not know who you are, but your kindness meant a lot to me.


Saturday, January 23, 2010

News from Yankee Country: Hell comes to the pasture

Fifty-one heiffers. No. 52 was himself.

BREAKING: Utica Club Now Available In Chapel Hill

Just a brief, heady break from all the carping about Johnny Damon on this page.

Our official beer is now available in Chapel Hill, North Carolina!

That is all.

Back to the carping.

Brian Cashman is muy pissed off at the crap these agents are spewing over the phone

“How long it’s taking certain people to wake up and smell the coffee, that’s what surprises me,” Cashman said. “When you get on the phone with agents, they tell you one thing, and certain agents can’t honestly believe what they’re trying to convey. Do they think I’m stupid?”

Living in a disembodied head might have something to do with it.

Yankee Fan of the Week: Justin Dejesus

From Thursday's NY Post:

An avid Yankees fan struck out when he robbed three men at gunpoint on the Upper East Side - and police easily nabbed Him, since he was decked out in his favorite team's clothing, authorities said yesterday.

Justin Dejesus, 19, allegedly robbed one man of his iTouch on East 77th Street at around 2:50 a.m. Saturday, and attempted to mug two other men before cops busted him in all his Yankee regalia.

God has a new leftfielder

In these Times:

Grant Desme hit 31 home runs and stole 40 bases in Class A last season, and as an encore, he was named most valuable player of the Arizona Fall League. The Oakland Athletics had plans to invite Desme, a 23-year-old outfielder, to spring training next month. But Desme retired Friday to become a Roman Catholic priest.

Let's keep this guy far away from Jesus Montero.

NY Post Regales Readers with Incredible Photoshop Skills