Thursday, September 30, 2010

Yet Another Warning To America

A grave one indeed and this on top of the previous threat.
In this instance copies of the new book by the legendary former broadcaster Len Berman face peril if the Yankees lose in the first round of the playoffs.

Will the death of beloved film star Tony Curtis have an impact on the Yankees playoff chances?

The empirical relationship between celebrity deaths and winning streaks remains one of the enduring mysteries of the 2009 World Champion Yankees.

Just as science has yet to understand what penguins are thinking when they reproduce, so have our greatest analytical minds come up "blank" on why the loss of dear celuloid friends always boosts the Yankee winning percentage. This is why Yankee fans are often seen cheering with tears in their eyes.

Well, don't start cheering yet, Yankiverse.

The death of Tony Curtis will likely impact the Yankee-Redsock series this weekend. After all, Curtis once played "The Boston Strangler." But does this mean the death of a Boston team -- or of a team that would strangle a team of Bostonians?

Curtis' death comes too early to help the Yankees' post-season drive. However, star deaths occur in threes. (See seminal research, IIH 2009) Is Curtis launching a triad? If so, the future -- as Sarah Palin would say -- "bodes well."

Playoff Dreams, Don't Ever Look Back

You think I'm easy
Without all my starters on
You think I'm weaker
When the Captain looks very wrong
So come and get me
So I let my walls come down, down

Before you met me
I was alright, but things this year
allowed others to rollover
But you'll bring me to life
At the start of October
You'll be my bloody Valentine

The Yanks are going all the way this year
No regrets, just love
We can dance, until we die
We will be young forever

You make me feel
Like I'm livin' a
Teenage dream
The way you turn me on
We can't sleep
We'll run away and
Don't ever look back,
Don't ever look back

In Honor Of Tony Curtis Yankees Make Vow

...That they will stand together if their post season results are ruined by AJ and angry mobs of Yankee fans come looking for a scapegoat


Oh, yes, we put a silly jacket on it, because we haven't lost yet, and there's no sense inflaming international tensions over a simple baseball game, no? But trust me, world, it's the real deal. Alphonso bought it from a street vendor in Tunisia, paid top-dollar, plus some redneck toadlicker candy. It's hardbound, not the paperback edition. (Only the best, at IIH.)

So there you have it, Texas. Think about it, Minnesota.

Yankees lose? Poof. Drew Barrymore as "Firestarter."

Yankee season ends? Screaming season begins.

Simple terms, people, simple terms:

If AJ Burnett is not lights out, we will have no recourse -- none, whatsoever -- but to be "lights-on."

As John would say, let's burn something togethahhhhhhhh. Mwahahahahahahaahahhahahah.

Have We Seen The Last Of Javy?

All my balls are packed I'm ready to go
I'm standin' here outside the clubhouse door
I hate to wake you up to say goodbye
But my ERA is breakin' far above what's norm
The fans are hating', they've caused a storm
Already I'm so lonesome I could die

So forgive me and pity me
Why oh why did you trade for me?
Forget me and this time really let me go
Cause I'm leavin' on a jet plane
I hope I won't be back again
Oh babe, I can't wait to go

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

I'm not afraid to take my medicine

Phil Hughes: My Nominee For Yankee Employee Of The Month

His talent, his maturity, his concentration..just incredible. Here he is chatting it up with the delectable Kimberly Jones during the post game celebration on Tuesday night in Toronto.  Seconds later Kim is drenched by Swish and Phil is still able to maintain that concentration while a wet shirted Kim makes some startling revelations

My 2000-2010 Yankee 25-Man Post-Season Roster

C: Jorge Posada, Jose Molina (Molina only plays if Jorge gets hurt.)

IN: Mark Teixteira, Tino Martinez, Robbie Cano, Derek Jeter, Alex Rodriguez, Luis Sojo (in case of injury, Homer Bush, who beats out Aaron Boone, because he whiffed)

OF: Bernie Williams, Paul O’Neill, Johnny Damon, Brett Gardner, Shane Spencer (Gardner for speed -- rather than Freddie Guzman; Spencer for RH power off bench)

DH: Hideki Matsui, Gary Sheffield (Sorry, Jason)

STARTERS: CC Sabathia, Andy Pettitte, Orlando Hernandez, David Wells (No need for fifth starter in post.)

BULLPEN: Mariano Rivera, Mike Stanton, Damaso Marte, Mike Mussina, Ramiro Mendoza, Phil Hughes (Never forget Mussina's relief appearance in Aaron Boone game)

For A Few Days We Can Relax.

We can watch the hatchlings.

We can be generous to Red Sox fans.

Compliment them, for example, on hanging in there. On showing lot's of spunk and grit.

Tell them it was the Red Sox who kept this AL East race so competitive.

Assure them that next year is another year.

Share some popcorn. Laugh at their stupid commentary.

Kick back and put your feet up.

We don't even have to worry if AJ pitches.

Hell, I'd give Swisher another inning.

We are going to be ok through Sunday, unless you are a Giants' fan ( NFL).

Onward to Boston

He is a fool. 

We finally have achieved the goal of every Yankee fan:

A meaningless series in Fenway. 

Anything else might have led to disaster.

It's nominations time for September Yankee Employee of the Month

Greg Golson?
The Grandy Man?
Andrew Brackman?
John... ? Suzyn...? Joe...? Nomanisan Eilland...?
Who deserves 30 days of ecstacy?

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Further Conversations Between Brian And Hank

Continuing from his logical explanation about the signing of A.J.

Unfortunately, I Have to say This, Yet Again.....

If not for Nick Swisher's walk-off home run; for Jorge's 10th inning pinch hit HR; for A-Rod's miraculous

3 run HR when down to the Yankee's
last strike of the game, and future hall of famer, Juan Miranda's walk-off walk in game 3 against Boston, this
Yankee team is on a 4-18 run.

I was alive when the Giants came back and beat Brooklyn with the
HR heard round the world, I was in Philly when the Phillies collapsed in the late summer of 1964 and couldn't win a game.

And although I am no longer alive,
I don't see the Yankees winning another regular season game this year.

Duque is spot on. If the White Hose don't beat
the Red Hose in one game, we are going to view the previous Yankee collapse against Boston as a walk on cake. Which disaster, by the way, is viewed by most humans as the single greatest sports failure in history.

And worse, too, than the loss at Hastings in 1066; the Napoleanic route; the woeful crusades and, more recently, the destruction of Ebbets field, the Polo grounds and Yankee stadium.

2010 could be worse.

And Joe is trying to say the Yankees are not in panic mode.

I am in full panic mode.... and so are they.

I am going to drink endlessly until and unless Boston loses. Those who want to join me may hook up at Connolly's on east 46th.

Manhattans at 10:00am.

Girardi Announces 3 Man Playoff Rotation of C.C., Hughesy and Ford

First he said, "Hopefully Boston will lose one more game so we can clinch." Then he added, "Pettitte is obviously rusty after his long layoff and I'd have to be out of my mind to use Burnsy. Besides I remember what happened to Stengel when he failed to use Ford properly in the 1960 series."

Breaking News: AJ To Join Whitson And Brown In Three Stooges Revival

Yanks praying for Boston loss, as Girardi gets to experience future with Cubs

What seemed impossible Monday -- that the Yankees could barf the last six and pull off a Gene Mauch-managing-the-2008-Mets-level collapse -- remains within the acid dreams of pessimists everywhere, as Joe Girardi's ship last night resumed its charted course to Oblivion.

Clearly, the team is not attempting a six-game losing streak. We're just losing them one at a time. Last night, we turned to "The Healthy Pavano," AJ Burnett. Last year, after a 7-run, 3-inning outing, AJ would serve as his own harshest critic. Last night, he just recited his post-season qualifications like a politician who won't discuss his pedophila arrest.

I have lost hope. Do you hear me, Yankiverse? I HAVE LOST ALL HOPE.

Forget beating Toronto. The Blue Jays kicked our Lance Berkmanlike butts all year, even before we obtained the former Astro for Mark Melancon, now pitching well in Houston.

Forget winning a game in Boston. If those games matter, we'll lose all three.

We have one chance: Ozzie Guillen. Can he beat Boston once? I'm bettting yes, allowing the Slackers of September to fall over the finish line and lie face-down, wheezing for the playoffs

From there, well, imagine the New York Giants' offense in the fourth quarter of a tight game:

Three and out.

R.I.P. Gene Mauch. And GO OZZIE!

Dave Eiland's New Solution To A.J's Pitching Woes

Monday, September 27, 2010

A.J. Brunette

Yankees launch new losing streak

Heeeeeeeeeeey, $82 mill over five years, it seemed reasonable...

Blasphemous Talk: Did You Ever Wonder Why......

promising young Yankee pitchers with great stuff lack baseball smarts. Now I know Joba came through for a change last night, but how many times has he seemed to lack that mental rigor to outsmart major league hitters in tough situations? The same it seems to go for young Nova. Are these guys not too bright or is it that we're not teaching them well? And, as much as we deride the Sox, look how well they've developed young position players to successfully make that giant leap from triple a to the "show." We have our Jesus, but where did guys like Reddick, McDonald, Anderson, Lowrie, Nava and Kalish come from in their organization? We often win minor league championships with older players who will never make the majors or with vet cast-offs from other teams.

John's historic 7.12 second Win-Warble, performed by acclaimed movie psychopath "Jigsaw"

Breaking News: President Obama Inadvertently Endorses Yankee Walk On By, Seal The Doom Win Over Sox

If you see me walking to your defeat
And you start to cry each time we meet
Walk on by, walk on by
I'll make believe
that I don't see your tears
Just go on and grieve
in private 'cause each time I see you
you'll break down and cry
And walk on by (don't stop)
And walk on by (don't stop)
And walk on by

John's Walkoff Warble 7:12 seconds: HE IS IN POST-SEASON FORM

Friends, this is what a record-setting WinWarble looks like over your mantle.

We can't play it,
because MLB wouldn't make money from it;
thus, it's not allowed.


Topps adds John Sterling sayings to its baseball cards!

The Robbie Cano Don'tcha Know auction is on!

Due to excessive cleavage, Big Papi pulled from Sesame Street

Sang "Me and My Big Bird."

Chad Huffman... Colin Curtis... Greg Golson... Juan Miranda...

The Scranton-Wilkes Barre Yankees.

Once again, a Nobody from Nowhere has saved our Pinstriped, Gotham, millionaire, rockstar butts.

Huffman and Curtis delivered key at bats in that win over LA, when their closer threw 200 pitches. Golson's otherworldly throw to third beat the Rays. Now Miranda's walkoff walk preserves the season.

Because if we lost last night...

Doomsday. We'd have blown at least two in Toronto, then headed to delirious Boston, facing the chance of being humiliated on a tectonic level that would have made the 2004 AL playoffs meltdown look like a rain-shortened exhibition defeat in late February.

We dodged the asteroid. We surfed the tsunami. The volcano missed us.

Thanks to Scranton.

Listen: Our testicles shrank into watermelon seeds in July, after Boston's wheels fell off the go-cart. Texas and Minnesota ran away in the other divisions, leaving us to drunkenly plan our playoff rotation for the next two months. It might have worked, had we not ditched some AL East game-grinders like Johnny Damon and Hideki Matsui for a bunch of National League number-generators -- Nick Johnson, Javier Vazquez and Lance Berkman. We've been dead for so long, we hadn't even noticed.
But we had the Electric City Boys. 
I'm not sure if you flick turn team spirit on and off, like a light-switch. But I hope we take at least one Scrantonian into October.
Mr. Golson, I think Austin Kearns is in need of a long-winter's nap.

Knock On Wood That We Have Kerry Wood

Imagine where we would be if it weren't for
Kerry Wood. Best move Cashman made all year.

We don't want to lose you
This good thing
That we got
'Cause if we do
We will surely,
Surely lose a lot
'Cause your pitching is better
Than any other we know
It's like thunder and lightning
To the opposition it's frightening
We better knock, knock on wood, baby
Think we better knock, knock, knock on wood

Stick A Fork In.....They're Done

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Joe Tries To Snap Yanks Out Of Doldrums With Gaudin Bobblehead Look

Trying to lighten the mood in the Yank clubhouse by taking a page out of current first place manager Joe Maddon's playbook, skipper Girardi and his ace pitching coach Dave Eiland shaved their heads and sported a goatee similar to the one their star pupil Chad Gaudin once had.
When asked by YES Network's Kim Jones if he will continue to use Chad in special back to back homer yielding situations he said, "Our statistical analysis shows he's definitely the man for the job."

Ivan The Terrible

After three manhattans and a sambucca on the rocks last night, it finally struck me that this Yankee team is finished.

If it wasn't for Nick Swisher's walk-off HR; Jorge's pinch hit HR in the
10th ( followed by MO closing the game ); and A-Rod's come from behind three run blast with 2 outs, and two strikes on him in the ninth, this team would now be on a run of 16 losses in 19 games.

Read that carefully; 16 losses in 19 games at the critical point of the season. CC; AJ; Andy: and assorted others all failing.

Not to mention the hitters.

Let's wake up . No team in baseball has had such a fall-off in all of 2010. Not Kansas City, not the Astros, not Baltimore, not the Nationals, not even the Mets.

This team is living off of wins over crap teams at home, and that is it. If crap teams weren't beating Tampa and Boston more than they should, we would be behind the Blue Jays already.

The metaphor for this team is all the euphoria over Ivan Nova.

The truth is; his only shot in the future will be as a long reliever in blowouts where the Yankees are down by 7 runs. Everyone got all excited about this 23 year old rookie. He would be the Mel Stottlemeyer of 2010 and win 10 straight for us.

He just isn't that good. He has no head. He is a basket case. He will never be any good. Write that in stone.

When Ivan Nova walked some .181 hitting dude name Nava, Nova became Ivan the Terrible.

And he is.

" Nova mas, I say. Nova, mas."

I am now drinking mimosas in anticipation of watching Coach Coughlin get those BB eyes again as he watches, in total disbelief, how shitty this Giants team is. Joe Girardi is getting that look, too, on his post game shows where he tries to explain the team collapse in positive terms.

Think of the Brookln Dodgers blowing their 13 game lead in 1959 ( I think ).

Brandon Jacobs will gain 7 yards today, and throw his "cup" at Kim Jones.

And the Yankees will complete the sweep today.

You can quote me on that.

Letter to the Editor: Tampa Civil War

Tampa Tribune (Florida)

September 18, 2010 Saturday

Dear Editor,

Your Martin Fennelly is an award-winning sports columnist but his cheap dig at Derek Jeter of the Yankees, calling him "Jeter the Cheater," was totally unwarranted. I have been involved baseball for years, from coaching to umpiring, and what transpired during the game Wednesday night was baseball at its best. Yes, I am a Yankee fan for over 50 years and the Rays deserved to win. But as Rays manager Joe Maddon said, he would have applauded his player for doing the same thing as Derek did.

Just don't forget Derek's "Turn 2 Foundation." He has raised over $10 million for disadvantaged young people, and he does it in the Tampa Bay area, where he is also a resident. Martin owes Derek an apology for a cheap shot.


10 Things We Will Do to the Yankees if They Blow This Lead to Boston

1. Let Bush tax cuts for millionaires expire. No way those fuckers deserve a tax break.

2. Team lashed to flatbed truck for ride through "Canyon of Losers."

3. Make team stand outside White House in rain while 2010 champs meet President.

4. Set burning paper bags of dog-doo outside clubhouse, so they stomp out fires and get stinky.

5. On live YES postgame report, page "Jack Meawff."

6. Players required to write 5,000-word apology to George Steinbrenner plaque.

7. Stake players in desert path of fire ant army.

8. New walk-off pie recipe: Banana-cream-and-battery acid.

9. 2011 Yankee manager: Stanley McCrystal.

10. Use as "Top Kill" plugs for next Gulf of Mexico oil rig disaster.

10 years ago, the collapse looked like this

We went into the playoffs in a seven game losing streak, with several blowouts.
We won the World Series.
Don't expect it again.

Letter to the Editor: Tampa Rage

Tampa Tribune (Florida)

September 18, 2010 Saturday

Dear Editors,
We watched the third game of the New York Yankees-Tampa Bay Rays series, and during the game we saw a commercial about sportsmanship. A high school basketball player admits he touched the ball as it went out of bounds. His coach gives him the credit for making a "good call."

During the baseball game, Derek Jeter of the Yankees claimed he had been hit by a pitch, while the replays showed the ball hit the bat, as the bat was ejected from his grip. Jeter stood by, grabbing his arm as if he had been hit. The umpires didn't ask for injury verification and let the batter go to first base. Derek knew he hadn't been hit, but he kept quiet and said nothing.

Was this poor sportsmanship? You bet it was. This ballplayer is no longer a champion in our books.

Spring Hill

Must They Dance Every Dance

Still no luck fitting Gaudin with cement spikes.
The debonair looking Albert "Tick Tock" Tannenbaum has been given the job to try and lure Chad away from his partner
Must you dance every dance with the same fortunate man?
You have danced with him since the music began.
Won't you change partners and dance with me?
Must you dance quite so close with your lips touching his face?
Can't you see I'm longing to be in his place?
Won't you change partners and dance with me?

Don't Ask, Don't Tell....

But for God's sake enough with the Sox ass kissing and Yankee hating from Fox Broadcasting crews. On the left some examples of the pablum from Saturday's game.

Below, an excerpt from a true story by my friend Joe
Last week, I ran into McCarver standing at the JetBlue check-in counter, by the gate, on my flight to NY City. He was doggedly trying to get something done with the JetBlue attendant (he was there a good 20 minutes). It was probably a seat upgrade, since he was finally seated in the first row on the aisle. I guess he doesn't like mingling with the masses and wanted to get on and off the plane, with the minimum of personal contact.
Like a jerk, I tried to make small talk with Tiny Tim. “Going to NY City,” I cheerfully said.
He looked at me and my Yankee ring like I was turd on the bottom of his shoe. “No, I'm going to Boston!” she snapped back. Like, duh, I'm at the gate taking off to New York City, you moron. Where else could I be going? Now if you know me, you know I don't take spit off anybody. So I cracked back, “That was a statement Tim, not a question.”
Then to show him he wasn't better than me, I told a JetBlue attendant, while McCarver was still haggling with the first Jet Blue attendant about a first row, aisle seat, “I'd like to upgrade my seat to one of those extra legroom seats you advertise. On the isle, if possible”
She said, “Yes sir, I have a 10th row aisle seat available. That will be an extra $35.”
I said, “Great. Hook me up. I have no problem mingling with people.” Then I glanced at McCarver, who was standing less than a foot away from me. “I'm not like some people I know.” Tiny Tim shrugged, like “screw this peon.” McCarver did get the seat he wanted and he continued the rest of the JetBlue Experience to New York City, sitting in the first row, aisle, with his head buried in a newspaper, not speaking a word  to anyone. When the flight was over, he bolted from the plane like the Lone Ranger, without his trusty sidekick Tonto. What an absolute a-hole.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Chad Gaudin Helps Special Olympians

C.C. Has A Fatherly Talk With Ivan

I guess there will be no more talk of special chocolate milk concoctions from Ivan

In Vegas It's 7-1 The Yankees Don't Win Another Regular Season Game in 2010.

I've been thinking this for a while.

Everyone keeps saying how the Yankees are just positioning themselves for winning the division or taking the wild card.

I think it is more likely they draw the joker and go home empty handed.

They just seem like a team who can only beat the total losers.

I think Boston has more ( puke ) heart and hustle in them, and they have far better pitchers.

The Yankee team out there today couldn't beat Penn state's baseball team.

I'm laying $1000 grand on the Vegas odds.

We can still back-in, as they say, but we aren't walking in eyes forward.

Boston season over; NESN commentators now analyze fashion.

You can't make this stuff up!

Joe Comments On The Passing Of Eddie Fisher

Steinbrenner Monument Casts A Shadow Over Special Olympics Commemoration

It's difficult for even Chad Gaudin to toss a pitch under such circumstances. Why make it more challenging for two extraordinarily gifted special olympians?
Actually those olympians are probably better pitchers than Gaudin.

Huffington Post reportedly, allegedly, is on the story

Hey Fella, Drink Your Milk

Ivan issues a bold challenge to Red Sox Nation. Here's hoping he makes good on his word today.

Mike Lowell hit in face by batted ball

Nova to shine today

We hope.

Please, no early inning flame-out!

Cute, delightful cherub threatened with prison by Hollywood brownshirts

Is this Obama's America?

Twenty-six, Twenty-five: The Poem

To those who say, "This team's not done!
"Twenty-six, twenty-five, since August one.

To those who say, "Don't fear the worst!."
Twenty-six, twenty-five, since August first.

To those who say, "We're champs, remember?"
Ten wins, twelve losses, in September.

Some pundits cry, "Our team's still great!"

So were the Mets -- 2008.

While The Yankees Stumble To The Finish Line....

After appearing at Yankee Stadium on Monday, Bud visited Wrigley to discuss the broken-bat issue
Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig said experts are looking at ways to reduce the number of broken maple bats in the wake of the frightening moment when Cubs outfielder Tyler Colvin was struck in the chest while running toward home from third base.

John Tackles Some Advanced Baseball Sabermetrics

Actually now its 6-13 in their last 19.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Live From Michael's Restaurant

John caught serenading those lovebirds Jessica Steinbrenner and Felix Lopez.