The Chiba Lotte Marines - a Japanese ballclub, not Starbucks' newest drink of the month - will soon post to MLB Roki Sasaki, a 23-year-old pitching phenom who might even be better than Yoshinobo Yamamoto, who crushed us in Game Two, before the leaden weight of our shortcomings finished the job.
Thanks to the Byzantine rules for Japanese players migrating to Paradise - (that's us, ha!) - Sasaki shall be limited in how much money he can rake - (don't ask how; it's another rule written for billionaires, by billionaires) - but he does get to choose his next city and jersey.
And let's face it: That's probably the Dodgers.
Why? Well, they have the best team in baseball. They have the most fruitful endorsement market in baseball. They have the best player in baseball. They have the two biggest Japanese stars in baseball. They have the hottest women in baseball. (Sorry, Cleveland, but you've still got Machine Gun Kelly.) And they keep the most questionable financial books in baseball.
That final spoke in their wheel of dominance comes courtesy of their deal with Shohei Ohtani, who will receive deferred salary payments through eternity, long after California and Florida have been swallowed by the oceans, and we are mere festering blemishes of microplastics in some earthworm's underbelly.
I have a theory, and I'm going to spare us both a half-hour of mental tiddlywinks by not researching it. Instead, hell! I'm posting it, straight up, because - hey, these are the modern times, right? - and so, where was I?, oh, yeah, the theory... it goes like this:
Every baseball dynasty came about from a secret advantage that some team cooked up and exploited, and ended only after other franchises caught up.
For example, the Blue Jays of the 1980s: They dominated the AL because super scout Eppy Gurerro built a bridge to Latino players, such as Tony Fernandez and Carlos Delgado. For several years, Toronto enjoyed an unlimited tap of talent (which we watched firsthand in Syracuse.)
The Yankees dominated the late 1990s because they were the first team to build and own their own TV network/ATM - the YES Channel, featuring Paul O'Neill! - creating millions of dollars for old George to spend.
The Astros briefly dominated in the late 2010s because they figured out how to cheat. The Rangers, Redsocks and Yankees enjoyed brief surges, via their friendly pharmaceuticals: performance enhancing drugs.
And now comes the Dodgers, on the verge of becoming Team Japan, signing the brightest stars from the new frontier. Considering how they cook the books, they might even make a run at Juan Soto.
There is a chance the Mets will rise to dominance, because owner Steve Cohen represents a nexus of infinite money and runaway big dick ego. It hasn't happened yet, but close your eyes, and you can see it. By this time, the Yankees could be deep in the shadow of a raging Godzilla, and I don't mean Hideki Matsui.
Whatever comes about, the Death Barge had better start sweetening its ties to Japan, more than by simply sending Mr. Warmth, Brian Cashman, to watch a game now and then. While Food Stamps Hal works on his winning charm, Hollywood smile and effervescent personality - looking to hypnotize and capture Soto - the world might just pass us by.