Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Let's take nominations for November Yankee Employee of the Month

Hector Noesi... big season in Mexico
Brian Cashman... slept on concrete for homeless kids
Robbie Cano... beat up on Chinese pitchers
Curtis Granderson... got screwed out of MVP votes
Brett Gardner... vowed to work hard in off-season
Arod... hosted party with lady gymnasts
Eduardo Nunez... impressed Braves

Who are we missing?

The first round of Sexytime has its winners

Advancing to the finals of SEXIEST YANKEE ALIVE.

You voted them...



Coming up... the third and fourth heats.

Yankee Kennels Barn to Reopen in Redsock territory

One can only wonder what caused the original fire.

What I would have written if I'd been there

From Bud Poliquin's column today on Jim Boeheim's news conference last night:

He was talking about sexual molestation accusations by Bobby Davis against Bernie Fine:

Once so convinced of the innocence of his banished pal, the seemingly heinous Fine, that he’d pledged conditional loyalty until his death . . . once so certain that Davis had financial gain rather than tardy justice on his mind that he’d talked of the original accuser’s "bunch of a thousand lies" . . . once so sure of the unassailable nature of Syracuse basketball that he’d boldly invited rival recruiters to use the sexual-abuse allegations against his program, Boeheim had toned himself down.

By mandate from his superiors or by choice after some prudent self-examination, it didn’t matter. The Hall of Fame coach, usually so willing to joust with his inquisitors, had loosened the grip on his lance. And on Tuesday evening, in his first official public appearance since that statement of regret had been issued in his name on Sunday, Boeheim -- aware that much of the basketball nation was watching -- was very nearly engaging.

Still, defiance dies a slow death in stubborn men. And so it is with Boeheim, who was willing to yield little ground on Tuesday’s warm November night.

Tino and Jeet locked in tight race for Yankee Sexyman

In Beef Heat No. 2, it's down to the wire.

Yankeetorial: We need to get Kyle Drabek!

I'll never forget the dark, rage-filled day that we peddled his dad, Doug Drabek, for a bucket of fried chicken. There were rumors we would do it, but nobody believed them. The Yankees couldn’t be THAT stupid. We dismissed the rumors as scary stories, you know: like the the babysitter and the maniac phoning from upstairs, or the kids making out in the car while the psycho with the hook scrapes the roof. They tell you those stories to terrify you. So they said, "The Yankees are going to trade Doug Drabek for Rick Rhoden." And we laughed.

Yeah, right.

I remember Doug Drabek as a rookie. He was just like his kid. One day, Doc Halladay. Next day, Doc Ellis. But the Pirates saw something. They traded us the washed up tub of lard, Rhoden, for Drabek and prospects. The rest is history. We sucked for an entire decade.

Well, rumors are that we’re interested in Kyle Drabek. That’s according to a Toronto Gammonite. I figure he's just taunting us – reminding us of what we once did, and what the Blue Jays won't do. In fact, River Ave says no way Toronto would ever trade a 24-year-old prospect to the Yankees. No way.

They’re probably right. But dammit, I would love to get Kyle Drabek. And so would Cashman. We would be the bandits, rather than the hold-up victims. And Cash loves former big prospects. He snagged Wilson Betemit a year too early, but dished him off for Nick Swisher right on time. Remember Greg Golson? First rounder in 2004. Find the guys who wear out their welcome in their first team. In Drabek's case, it won't be just shrewd trading. It'll be karma.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

ESPN: The Redsock Revolving Door

With Bobby Valentine named Redsock manager, it's time again to see ESPN for what it is: A propaganda/lobbyist front for the Redsock Nation.

Even though Bristol, Connecticut, should be a halfway point between the Yankees and Redsocks, the ESPN group is merely a flag planted in the ground for the Fenway flock. Look in the booth: There's Nomar Garciaparra, Orel Hershieser, Joe Morgan, Curt Schilling...

Yankee haters, all.
We have - what? - Aaron Boone and Orestes Destrade: cannon fodder against the relentless torrent of anti-Yankee propaganda.

ESPN does for the Redsocks what Fox News does for the Republican Party -- it gives high-profile employment to the bozos who think they should be running the whole shebang.

Bobby Valentine is Newt Gingrich.

Nomar is Sarah Palin.

I'm almost ready to start rooting for Bernie Fine.

Yanks Fan To Helm BoSox

Sox-run network breaks story

NY sportswriter hates Bobby V's guts

Nothing is happening, or so the writers would have us believe

We're told by the Gammonites of the Yankiverse that time this week does not exist: Nothing is happening. Nothing will happen. Nothing never happened. Cashman is down in his cellar, building his dream Leggo scale model of Courtney Cox, and until his obsession is completed, no player will be traded, ditched or signed. In other words, read the funnies, everybody. There is no Yankee news.

But something must be going on. Listen: Somewhere, something. Must be. Going on!

What about Mariano? He's preparing for throat surgery. Is he trying to sing with those raspy pipes? Is using hand signals at the dinner table to motion for salt and pepper? Is he sucking on Hall's Mentholyptis cough drops? Is he drinking lemon juice? Why isn't anyone investigating this?

And Robbie. He's back from China, right? I bet he's got stories to tell about the wall, or the trains, or the ladies. (He didn't travel with Melky, did he? Good God, they're probably still over there, pillaging some fishing village.) Did he buy anything? What if he brought back some of those Asian bark beetles? The Adirondack forests could be in jeopardy? Why isn't anyone probing this?

And Arod? We know from the T-and-A websites that he's hosting parties with workout stallions who do cartwheels just to show off their gams. We know his ex, Cameron Diaz, is making the rounds of late night TV to show her gams, which look like polished steel gams. And we know he's mastered the science of stealth. How about a feature on Arod's winter?

Instead, we're told nothing is happening. Don't believe it.

Something is always happening.  It's just not happening to us.

Monday, November 28, 2011

Bernie Fine, the Rhyme

Bernie Fine, Bernie Fine,
Please don't make me ride the pine.
Cease the tickling of my twine.
Slamma jamma, Bernie Fine.
Bernie Fine, Bernie Fine,
Your one-on-one, I must decline.
I do not wish to drive the line.
Double dribble, Bernie Fine.
Bernie Fine, Bernie Fine,
This pick-and-roll upsets my spine.
Don't penetrate my free throw line.
Violation, Bernie Fine.

Another reason not to trade Swisher

He's got friends with guns.

Seriously. He and his soap opera-hot actress wife have just toured Afghanistan, visiting the troops. They could have been lounging on a beach, or watching Harry Potter sing on the Macy's Parade, like you and me.

In 2005 and 2006, I went to Iraq. Two months there total. I wore my Yankee cap, despite the teams' collapses. You can't imagine how hungry those guys were to talk baseball. Even Redsock fans. (Actually, come to think of it, especially Redsock fans.) I bet Swish returns completely energized. Another decent season, and he might be crossing into Lou Piniella/Paul O'Neill territory, as a great late career Yankee.

Sunday, November 27, 2011

Pepper Spray has career week in news, but history would suggest its third appearance should be in pinstripes

Last week, Pepper Spray - the seldom feted, vegetable-based people-parter - enjoyed the equivalent of Mark Whitten's 4-home run game in 1993.

After years of being overlooked, it grabbed headlines of two major news events: the UC-Davis hippie-whacking, Pepper-Spraying Paul Blart, and the maniac Walmart Pepper-Spraying shopper witch.

Pepper Spray could go 10 years without mention in a major news story -- that's what happened to Whitten -- unless it takes a page from Whitten's book and... joins the New York Yankees!

OK, think with me now, because this gets complicated: Everybody knows bad news happens in threes. So Pepper Spray needs closure. It needs a third appearance. And that's how Whitten finally made his final peppery headlines, as a member of the Yankees 1997 also-rans.

So... how can Pepper Spray nail its third big news story? As a Yankee, of course.

OK, still with me, right? (I knew I could count on you. I mean, seriously, here we are, comparing Pepper Spray to Mark Whitten, and thank God nobody but sicko Yankee fans read this blog, otherwise, we'd all be put away.) So, here are the Yankee news stories that Pepper Spray needs to pursue.

1. Joba Chamberlain accidentally pepper sprayed during gnat attack.

2. Yankee Ground crew pepper sprays infield to ward off bad hops.

3. Jeter dives to avoid police pepper spray. (Off camera)

4. Anonymous pepper-sprayed fan disrobes in order to breathe.

Somebody stop this. Now. OK, that's it. Done.

How could you let me go this far? Have you no shame?


Letter to the Editor: Never compare Canadiens to Yankees

The Gazette (Montreal)
November 26, 2011 Saturday

Dear Editor,

Detmar Loerick wrote a Letter to the Sports Editor praising his New York Yankees for considering anything short of winning the World Series a "losing" year (Nov. 19, "Habs can learn from Yankees"). It's an easy policy for any team to adopt when the penalty for exceeding their league's salary cap is but a fraction of their enormous annual revenues.

Louis Hoppenheim

Saturday, November 26, 2011

Yankeetorial: If Eric Chavez returns, a big trade becomes likely

It's well known that a butterfly flapping his wings in Northern China can set into motion an earthquake on the other side of the planet.

Recently, the Yankees received a flap of good butterfly news: Eric "China Doll" Chavez enjoyed his 2011 Yankee romance so much that he's decided to return to the prom next year. When not in a cast, Chavez can play 3B and hit. Hell, we can always use one of them.

But here's the wind funnel: If Eric returns, we almost have to trade Eduardo Nunez or Brandon Laird. 

Nunez had a great 2012. A sullen and irresponsible part of me still believes we would have beaten the Tigers with Nuni at 3B, instead of Aurelio Rodriguez (formerly Mr. Cameron Diaz.) Trouble is, Nuni can't field middle infield any better than Roseanne Barr, which means no defensive breathers for Jeet, which is why they had him playing OF last September.

And then comes Laird. He won the Minor League Gold Glove this year at 3B, and based on September, it wasn't a fluke. He is surely the best fielding 3B in our system. He hits for power, which makes him the second coming of Mike Lowell - (whom we pissed away for a pile of Ed Yarnells.) It won't do Laird any good to play 2012 on the Traveling Wilkes Barres. The dairy princesses of Batavia will eat him alive.

So... what do we do? Trade somebody, of course.

My guess: Neither Nuni nor Laird will bring us much on their own, so Cashman has to include them in a package of players. The bigger his target, the larger the package.

It's amazing, but if Butterfly Chavez comes back, he could set into motion a blockbuster trade. 

Uh-oh, somebody saw someone doing something

Friday, November 25, 2011

Hey, Yankee fans, guess who's coming...?

How about Brack Friday?

Let's sign the beanpole, Andrew Brackman, to a realistic contract - something below the gazillion he was making - and bring the boy back for another try.

Yeah, I know he's pushing 28, he can't throw strikes, and he takes up two seats on the bus... but it was fun thinking about a 6'10" pitcher who might someday hook-up with a Susan Sarandon healer from "Bull Durham" and be unhittable, in a Randy-Choate-against-lefthanders sort of way.

Hey, ya never know...

Freddy's in, Bartolo next?

Last winter, after the Cliff Lee/Carl Crawford fiascos, we barely lifted a shot glass to salute the signings of Freddy Garcia and Bartolo Colon. We saw no beauty, no elegance, in those cartoonish, paunchy frames. We had been turned down by the hot cheerleader. Who expected to be so delightfully ravaged in bed by the horny middle school librarian with visible ringworm?

This year, we know exactly what Freddy Garcia's magic fingers can do while "on the mound!" Nevertheless, just pondering Bartolo Colon shirtless is enough to end my fixation with this metaphor.

We need some more of that cheap Colon.

Still, let's celebrate Obesity Friday knowing that Freddy likes us, he really likes us! - in the Sally Fieldian sense of expression. Because the guy could have wrangled a two-year deal out of some poor team - maybe even us.

Same with CC Sabathia. He could have held us for ransom, but he didn't. He likes us, he really likes us.

For all the rude cab drivers and things that stick to your shoe from life in NYC - screw you, Mr. and Mrs. Lee - players who come to the Yankees want to stay, and others want to return. We have a harmonic system that - unlike the Redsocks and Mets, with high negativity - keeps players wanting to come back.

Who do we thank? Cashman? Nope. He has nothing to do with it. Giardi? Getting warmer. Jeter? Hotter. The big money stars? Bingo.

Let's give them credit.

Arod, Jeet, Mariano, Tex, Robbie, CC, AJ - there's hasn't been a Josh Beckett in the bunch. (Say what you will about AJ and Arod, folks, nobody accuses them of slacking off.) And this winter, that should be the defining sense of whether we chase Mr. Darvish or Mr. Wilson - or somebody else who is about to vault into that $14-$20 million tier: What are they like up close?

Freddy likes us. He came back. Paging Mr. Colon... your locker is ready.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

10 Things to Be Thankful For Today

1. That asteroid missed us

2. John Lackey

3. One of our comrades shot Gaddafi

4. We didn't trade Jesus Montero for some bum

5. As far as we know, Justin Bieber has not procreated
6. Texas choked again

7. We resigned CC without keeping him until age 45

8. Tim Wakefield wants to pitch another year
9. John and Suzyn will return

10. Next year, we'll win it all!

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Tomorrow's menu

Brett Garden Salad
Derek Jeeblets
Hensley "Yam Yam" Meulens
Robin Venturkey
Dan Pasquash
Darryl Cranberry
Steve "Bye-Bye" Wishboni
Damian Rolls
Mike Hargravy
Chien-Wing Wang
Goose Gossage
Spud Chandler
Colter Beans
David Scone
DrumStick Michael
Felix Pie

Barefoot, pennyless MLB billionaires declare socialist class war on Yankees

There's no more wild-eyed, socialist revolutionary in this world than a billionaire sports team owner who is being outspent by the opposition. On every national political issue, he fights taxes and programs that remotely sound like a redistribution of wealth. But on the matter of the game, he becomes the oppressed 99 percent. And he pretends to be just a millionaire, so the rest of us will feel sorry for him.

Frankly, the problem with America is asshole billionaires who want to run the country rather than baseball clubs, which is what the Founding Fathers originally wanted them to do. (George Steinbrenner, after being caught funneling slush to Dick Nixon, finally got that one right.)

The MLB owners have passed a new labor agreement full of fine print designed to tax the beetle juice out of any team that spends hard to win, and comforts those poormouthing owners who salary-dump homegrown stars rather than pay them - in their brief window of career earnings - what they're worth. How will they do this? By levying luxury taxes.

How much do you want to bet that every fricking rat-owner in the MLB cartell is pumping money into the GOP like pressurized acid into underground shale deposits... simply to avoid higher taxes in the next administration? But when it comes to their own little backyard, suddenly, capitalism is a bad thing. In the back corridors of baseball, they lock arms together and face the pepper spray - fighting The Power.

Go ahead, everybody: Cry for the poor, poverty-stricken Kansas City Royals - owned by the head of Walmart, the world's biggest corporation. Squeeze out some tears for sad old Pittsburgh - home to the Mellon family's right wing, gold-crapping, gazillionaire fatties - because they can't put together two thin dimes to pay their players. It's all crap. You'll never see that animated shitpile, Grover Norquist, demanding that MLB owners hold the line on taxes.

So they're stuffing it to the Yankees. Oh, well, we'll just have to do what billionaires always do - cheat, legally. Laws don't matter, if you're willing to spend money. Just pay a lawyer to opine, and it goes to court.

The only question is whether the Steinbrothers want to win as much as their dad did - or for that matter, as much as those crazy, oil-brained Texans seem to want it. Because you know how radical those Marxists are in Texas -- especially now that they're part of the Fox Network. 

The Boeheim Rhyme

Years of fame,
of victories' gloss, 
Penn State shame,
or Duke lacrosse?

Final game, 
last win or loss;
Penn State shame,
or Duke lacrosse?

One dark claim
to somehow across:
Penn State shame,
or Duke lacrosse?

Soiled name,
fate's coin to toss;
Penn State shame,
or Duke lacrosse?

Fight the blame,
or face the loss.
Penn State shame,
or Duke lacrosse.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

News from Northern Yankee Country: RECLINER FIRE

Arod ought to spend some of that money of his on a taller fence

Robbie Cano, screwed again

OK, picture a Gold Glove 2B with power, speed, average, outlook and abilities in the clutch: Yep, a Joe Morgan, a Ryne Sandberg or - oysters of Hercules! dammit, OK, I'll say it: - a Dustin Pedroia.

Obviously, the MVP.

Well, here's the catch: He's a Yankee. Hence, the chorus...

Mic check. "MIC CHECK." Everybody knows... "EVERYBODY KNOWS!" The Yankees win... "THE YANKEES WIN..." Too many awards. "DO MAN WARS."

Nope. He cannot be MVP. No way. Elect the pitcher. Whatever it takes.

Listen: Justin Verlander had a great year. Cy Young? Hands down. MVP? Get real. It's just a political campaign that starts in August. Verlander was not Sandy Koufax. He was not Roger Clemens. He was not Ron Guidry.

OK, I know what you're thinking: Dammit, cut your losses. If not Verlander, the award could have gone to Jacoby Ellsbury.

Sure, Ellsbury had a great year. But without him, the Redsocks would still have finished third.

This is the second year Robbie Cano has been Yankee MVP, so critical that you can't see the team in the playoffs without him, regardless of payroll. Grandy Man? He slid. Bautista? Just a pile of numbers.

Consider this: Cano's hitting lines come from 2B - not the outfield. And he played Gold Glove second base.

Not only that, but he batted fifth. What if, instead of protecting Arod and Tex, he was protected by them? You could add 15-20 RBIs and a few more HRs and hits -- his numbers could have beaten Josh Hamilton, Bautista, anybody. 

Mic check. "MIC CHECK." Everybody knows... "EVERYBODY KNOWS!" The Yankees win... "THE YANKEES WIN..." Too many awards. "DO MAN WARS."

Cano is a great player, pure and simple. He is better than Pedroia. He is better than Sandberg. He is on a keel with Joe Morgan (whom I consider to be the greatest 2B ever.)

Screwed again.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Calls intensify for NY Giants management to resign after coach pepper sprays innocent fans

On national TV, no less.

Against Philadelphia.

Those poor fans...
they just had to sit there and take it.

Introducing the IT IS HIGH SEXIEST YANKEE ALIVE competition

For decades, Yankee fans missed the SEXIEST MAN ALIVE bandwagon. We weren't horny enough. We weren't cool enough. We weren't mature enough. Well, baby, something in Leggo My Eggo Land has ripened! Cut me a piece o it! Yes, Yankee fans are sexually reproductive beings, not computerized penile pumps. And we know what we like. And it's time to bring our Yankee fantasies to life! It's time to elect the first SEXIEST YANKEE ALIVE!

This is what democracy looks like.

We will start with the Stick Sixteen, four heats of prime masculine, Grade A, New York cut Yankiness. The winning stallion from each heat will advance to the Feral Four, where they will then face off for the title of SEXIEST YANKEE ALIVE.

We must decide the Stick Sixteen, the ultra-elite Yankees who can-have-any-woman-except-Drew Barrymore (who remains tainted from that pro-Boston Fever Pitch Jimmy Fallon flick). Remember, he needn't be a current Yankee. But he must be alive.

I have taken the liberty of drawing up a list of prospective Pinstripe Chippendales. Your gramma would swim an electrified moat for one night on the cold ground with these Ruthian Rub-and-Tuggers.

Feel free to add nominations. (And if they don't appear immediately, don't worry, I'll get them up. Somehow, blogger is demaning comment verifications. I'm trying to disable it, so we can get more hot financial offers from Middle Eastern businessmen.)


Derek Jeter
Alex Rodriguez
Robbie Cano
Curtis Granderson
Bernie Williams
Nick Swisher
Jesus Montero
Francisco Cervelli
Whitey Ford
Joe Girardi
Reggie Jackson
Ron Guidry
Bucky Dent
David Justice
Eric Chavez
Mike Mussina

Well, scouts of Yankee beefcake... who else?

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Letter to the Editor: Recent World Series was nothing spectacular

Buffalo News (New York)
November 13, 2011
Dear Editor,

World Series announcer Joe Buck used such terms as "spectacular" and phrases such as "National Classic at its best." I beg to differ. The Series between St. Louis and Texas was exciting and kept you on the edge of your seat, but nothing beyond that.

From Ron Washington running out of bench players and Tony LaRussa's failing to communicate with his bullpen, poor substituting and sloppy managing continued throughout the series. I also hope that my grandson and his teammates ignored the numerous defensive lapses in the game. The attempted one-handed catches of pop-ups and grounders defied all the defensive rules of baseball. There were 14 errors in the series. The two teams combined for 68 runs and close to 70 walks.

During the past week I was fortunate to able to listen to an audio version of the 1949 World Series between the New York Yankees and Brooklyn Dodgers. The two staffs combined for only 35 runs and 28 walks.The two defenses combined for only eight errors. Casey Stengel and Burt Shotton did masterful jobs running their teams.

The 1949 series was not spectacular with shifting leads. Instead it featured good sound baseball. This was definitely a series that young fans could learn from.

Jerry Collins

Yu Darvish belongs in the Bronx, Joba Chamberlain belongs in the rotation, Roger Maris belongs in Cooperstown, the Master belongs in the booth, and this belongs somewhere else but not America

Letter to the Editor: What's fair?

The Times of Trenton (New Jersey)
November 14, 2011 Monday

What's fair in this great society? I recently read that the Yankees signed their best pitcher to a five-year deal worth a guaranteed $122 million ("Yankees sign Sabathia to new deal," Nov. 1). Did anyone else cringe on hearing about that? To put it in perspective, the 2011 budget for the City of Trenton (our state capital) is less than twice that. We should all be so lucky, or talented, or something, right?

But when a few people are rewarded way, way beyond the best efforts of the average person, society as a whole is impoverished. Ironically, who can afford anymore to go to the stadium to watch "America's game"? This American way of squandering resources is unsustainable and untenable, yet it's endemic and epidemic.

We need to put the "we" back in society and start using more of our tremendous resources for the group, not the few individuals who stand on the group's shoulders. (That's the real Ponzi scheme, Gov. Perry.) We can begin this with the tax system, where graduated rates (not unjust flat rates) up to 50 percent or higher need to be implemented so that more of that "squandered" money returns to the "fans" who actually generate it and desperately need it.

Revising the tax system by itself will not solve the country's economic woes. But let's be honest: A $122-million pitcher, taxed at 75 percent, would still be a multimillionaire -- part of the infamous top 1 percent -- yet the added tax revenue would make the country almost $100 million richer in infrastructure, education and social services. Doesn't that sound more like a Great Society?

John Delaney,

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Letter to the Editor: From a distant land...

The Gazette (Montreal)
November 19, 2011 Saturday
Dear Editor,

Kudos to Howard Greenfield (Letters to the Sports Editor, Nov. 5, "Habs brass set bar too low"). I'm a lifelong New York Yankees fan (hate me if you want) and for all of us - including the suits upstairs in New York - anything short of winning the World Series is considered a "losing" year.
Maybe that's why the Yankees have won more championships than any other professional sports team. Last year, I heard talk from the Habs' front office that their goal was to make the playoffs. The same goal once again this year? The great Toe Blake must be turning over in his grave.

Harold Cammy
Town of Mount Royal

Preliminary Report from Super Committee

Good afternoon, all.

I have had quite a week drinking with old friends at Penn State, while summarizing my notes from endless Super Committee meetings in Washington.

To tell you the truth, drinking at Penn State is far more pleasurable than working with those knuckle heads in D.C., even with the horrendous truth and malaise now flooding Happy Valley.

It is hard to believe that we allow the nation or our institutions to be run by people who don't care about the principles of democracy, fairness, and balance. I used to think it was only Congress and the business community. Now, sadly, it has reached out to our universities.

It all comes back to one thing that really should piss us all off ; that there is a body of
citizens ( now designated as the 1%) who, in these United states, openly operate above the law. They can lie to us at will. They make up facts. They are accountable for nothing. They can commit crimes in the name of good business or, "issues of larger magnitude," and get away with them. They get rich on the backs of the 99%. And they believe and behave as though, due to their wealth and status, they are so entitled.

In my humble view, that condition was the way of life for decades in Tunisia, Egypt, Libya and other places America likes to think we are better than. Not so much anymore, it seems.

Sadly, at State College, Pa., small circles of power and the revenue stream from football, seem to have taken precedence over doing the right thing. The 1% in charge ( read; Board of Directors; Paterno; the President of the University; the CFO ) decided what was best for this fine institution in the face of all counter intuitive instincts, reason, and morality.

The cost of their arrogance is nothing more than the reputation of Penn State. Will those fired lose their pensions, health care and benefits? I think not.

But I digress.

There will undoubtedly be huge and surprisingly sound news from the nation's super committee for us to digest around the dinner tables on Thursday. We will certainly see a grand vision for the country that will restore our confidence and hope.

Based upon my work with the Super Committee, I predict the following changes:

1. Boston will sign Reyes
2. Boston will sign Wilson from the Rangers.
3. Boston will sign Yakitori from Japan ( ok, I don't have the name right )
4. Boston will sign that cigar maker/hitter from Cuba.
5. The Yankees will extend the contracts of A-Rod, Freddy Garcia and Bartolo Colon
6. The Yankees will acknowledge flaws in their free agent draft evaluations, and fire some 85 year old who gets his food free in Florida casinos.

The only other common ground shared by Super Committee members included; the quality and choice of catered lunches & dinners, rented companions for the evening parties, stretch limo qualities, trading inside information on IPO's, the cost of designer evening wear, how to hedge sovereign currency downgrades, and comparing suites at the Ritz.

See you in Greece.

10 Real Reasons Why Bud Selig Instituted the Extra Wild Card Game

1. Protect MLB from ever having to experience another Hell Night like the one that ended the 2011 season.

2. Chance for winning team to wear caps that say "2012 Wild Card Champs."

3. Induce broadcast rights bidding war between entities such as The Travel Channel and Home Shopping Network.

4. Introduce America to the Toronto Blue Jays.

5. Make it impossible for Redsocks, Mets and Braves to ever collapse again.

6. Keep fans from switching to football during that tortuous Thursday night void before post-season.

7. New op for midling TV sitcom stars to sing national anthem.

8. It's the place where Wild Card Game legends will be born.

9. Trial balloon for planned eight-team Wild Card, double-elimination round.

10. Why not? Both Wild Card teams will still have better records than the AL Central champ.

Javier Vazquez is "50-50" as to whether he will come back and possibly destroy another team's 70-year legacy

The Marlins of Miami are said to be praying that Javy decides against retirement, so he can help keep the team's great tradition alive in 2012.

As long as it's their tradition, and not ours...

Just don't bring him in with the bases loaded and Johnny Damon at bat.

Friday, November 18, 2011

Cashman illuminates plight of homeless children, trying to distract attention from Yankees lack of fifth solid starter

Brian Cashman is up to his old tricks. Last night, he occupied Time Square in a charity event to raise awareness about homeless kids, when he should have been working to shore up the frightening portal to hell in the back end of the Yankee rotation.

Thank God that, while Cash was saving the world, the Redsocks didn't sign Yu Darvish and CJ Wilson. Here's a fake shot of Cash supposedly sleeping on his cardboard box - the new flatscreen probably came in it - dreaming of the 60 virgins he'll defrock in paradise - (wait, might have the wrong faith there) - because he's now an official do-gooder, at least in the warped brainstems of the electrified puss piles who publish tabloids.

Listen: Never turn your back on the scheming Redsocks, even to do humanitarian stuff. They're worse than the Martians. And nobody trusts Martians.

Remember, folks, you heard it here first:

Boston will soon slip down the chimney and steal Jose Reyes, they'll sign him and start their frat parties, and we better have a plan in place to land some pitching.

Thursday, November 17, 2011

Anti-Yankee propaganda still rampant in Indiana

Will hatred ever end?

The Valparaiso High School Drama Club will present the musical “Damn Yankees” to open its 2011 season.
“Damn Yankees,” the winner of seven Tony Awards, is set in Washington, D.C., during the 1950s, a time when the New York Yankees dominated baseball. It follows an avid Washington Senators fan who wishes to be young again so he can help his team to glory. In the process he gets far more than he bargained for.
“Damn Yankees” includes the songs “Heart,” “Whatever Lola Wants” and “Shoeless Joe from Hannibal, MO.”

News from Yankee Country: Scranton front office is ON THE MOVE

The Traveling Wilkes Barres will be on the road next year, but the hard-workin' executives of the Yankees Triple A franchise have boxed their stuff and found new digs.

The Yankees have relocated their front-office operations from the stadium on Montage Mountain Road to a nearby office building at 50 Glenmaura National Blvd. in advance of the construction project. The move was completed last week.

Congrats to all.

Yankeetorial: When Hal Steinbrenner says we only need "fine tuning," does he mean he's turning cheap?

That's what Brother Hal blathered yesterday in a media scrum. Fine-tuning. That's all the Yankees need for 2012.

Maybe Hal was just posturing, speaking crapola to hide his real plans. Baseball poohbahs do that all the time. They boldface lie. We fans are stuck at the other end of the sewerage pipeline, wading through their bullshit, trying to decide if they are actually the genetic clods that they play on TV.

But it's possible Hal believes what he said - because of another genetic trait of the Steinbrenner family: Hubris.

Yep. Hubris.

Hubris is what Herman Cain thought of those sexual harassment complaints. They just needed fine-tuning. Hubris is how the Greeks originally reacted to their budget debt. Just a tweak here and there, and everything would be fine. Hubris allowed Boston to bring chicken and beer into the clubhouse. Not a problem.

Fine-tune? That's great, if everybody else stands pat. But Texas and California are revving up to chase Yu Darvish, CJ Wilson and everything from Cuba that cannot be smoked. Boston and Toronto are planning major overhauls. Even Tampa is going full hog. We're fine-tuning?

Yeah, 2011 was a decent year. We pulled players off the salvage yard and won the league. But we Redsocked in the playoffs, and the ship is creaking loudly. Mark Teixeira keeps turning into a Giambino. We still have no third, fourth or fifth starter. We wasted maybe the last great years from Mariano and Jeet. Arod could become a mediocre 3B. It's not hard to look at the 2012 lineup and wonder, aside from Robbie, who is sure to hit?

Fine-tune? Screw that. We need to be spenders. We need a Wilson, a Darvish, a somebody. And we need to face the truth.

We were damn lucky last year.

Next year, maybe not so.

Wednesday, November 16, 2011

As a .276 hitter, Arod is now settling for celebrity lookalikes

The question is, which Arod will show up next year.

Alex Rodriguez
Aurelio Rodriguez?

And will he ever again rate an IT girl?


Field named after Jeet

Man says Wilson Ramos snatched by aliens

Philly welcomes f---g a-hole

Yankeetorial: If Justin Verlander wins the MVP, it will be because of the Yankee rule: Pitchers are not eligible, unless the alternative is to elect a Yankee

Remember 1978, when Ron Guidry was the most valuable player in the American League and - for that matter - all of baseball? That year, Gator went 25-3.

May I repeat that, for the visually impaired? Twenty five wins and three losses. His ERA was 1.79, and he threw 9 shutouts. Several came after Yankee losses, and Guidry absolutely held the team together through an incredibly dramatic and intense pennant drive.

Naturally, Jim Rice won the MVP that year. The sportswriters said pitchers should not be eligible. They can win the Cy Young. Case closed!

And eight years later, they gave Boston's Roger Clemens the MVP.

Everybody knows the Yankees win way too many MVP awards. Just ask anybody on Fox Sports and ESPN. That's why Josh Hamilton won last year over Robinson Cano, even though Hamilton was hurt for much of the season. The Buck/McCarver axis of Yankee evil started campaigning in August, because Hamilton's story of resurrection through Jesus was so compelling, it was an MVP-worthy tale. Plus, the Yankees always win.

The previous year, when the Yankees won the World Series, the MVP went to Joe Mauer over Derek Jeter, the team captain who hit 18 HR and batted .334, while playing a Gold Glove worthy shortstop. (Jeet missed in 2006 too, when he hit .343.) But by early September, the drumbeat for Mauer was overwhelming: Local boy scorns major market to lead Twins. Plus, the Yankees always win.

This year, Curtis Granderson and Robbie Cano are deserving candidates for MVP. Fogetaboutit. In late August -- when Granderson was emerging as the choice - the campaign started on ESPN and Fox: How refreshing it would be to see Justin Verlander win. Everybody's sick of Yankees winning all the awards.

I'm not saying Verlander isn't a great pitcher who had a great year. I'm just saying I remember Ron Guidry, and I remember Roger Maris - who remains a non-member of the Baseball Hall of Fame. And everybody knows why... because the Yankees always win too many awards. Right?

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Cashman agenda for today's GM meetings

9:30: Check in at hotel, identify hip, dangerous-looking bellhop who understands request to supply "board games" for tonight.

10:30: Continental breakfast. Arrive before Mets contingent pockets everything.

10:45: Sneak into Theo Epstein's room, plant mice, cockroaches, sprigs of poison ivy.

10:50: Hire stripper to visit Seattle GM hotel room and lie naked in bed, in sight of hidden photographer.

11:00: Convene GM meetings. Laugh about Redsock collapse. Present Epstein with ceremonial bucket of KFC. In spirit of good fun, pour contents of ceremonial bucket over Epstein's head.

11:30: Adjourn meeting after being separated from Epstein.

11:31: Begin initiation ceremonies for new Redsock GM Ben Cherrington by offering pink-belly and then forcing to inhale entire bottle of vodka.

Noon: Have drunken Cherrington run naked through hotel lobby.

1 p.m.: Using photos of Seattle GM and stripper, make first offer to trade Francisco Cervelli for King Felix.

2: Drop Cherrington off passed out, pennyless and dressed as lady in roughest section of city.

3:30: Pizzas and kegs arrive in room.

5: Arm wrestling contest with Theo.

7: "Board games" arrive. Play "Candyland," "Chutes and Ladders," and "Scrabble."

9: Using photos of Seattle GM playing "board games," trade Francisco Cervelli and Brandon Laird for King Felix.

10: Lights out. Return calls from Hank and Hal to say nothing happened, just another dull event.

Monday, November 14, 2011

A-Bomb, Grandman, Ribbie for Robbie: "... just came out of my big fat mouth, my big fat head."

The Master on the Master's HR calls: "It's a cottage industry..."

The ultimate moment:

He was walking across the field in September, and bunch of Redsock pitchers were throwing on the sideline, and somebody - he doesn't know who (I say Lackey) - mouthed two of his calls.

Yankeetorial: It's time for the Yankees to be the Yankees

And that means one thing: Cash, lettuce, moo-lah, gerbish, pleed, dollops of scaramonga!

Yes. It's nearly winter, alias Spending Season. Last year, we watched Philadelphia mortgage its antique furniture for Cliff Lee, while Boston shot its moons on Carl Crawford, Adrian Gonzalez, Dan Wheeler, Bobby Jenks -- while we sat in the cellar and stockpiled our gold fillings, like fans of Glen Beck. It's not that we wanted to be rotten cheap bastards. We wanted Andy Pettitte and Lee, but they chose their wives and children instead. The rotten family bastards.

Now, the Rangers and Marlins are lighting human cigars with million dollar checks, chasing every big name free agent in captivity. Boston MUST make a big deal, or its fan base will Occupy Fenway. The Cubs look drunk on Theo Epstein snake oil. Even the Dodgers and Mets are pretending to have money. Meanwhile, we're still down in the dark cellar, counting our coins and congratulating ourselves for Bartolo Colon and Freddy Garcia.

Listen: It was great to get 'Tolo and Freddy. We should recycle every year - (although Brandon Laird is ready; no reason to send him back to the Traveling Wilkes Barres.) But we have money. It's time to spend it at the mall, not the flea market. And why not roll the dice!

This Cuban outfielder, Yoenus Cespedes, or whatever? Let's get him.

Yu Darvish? Let's get him.

Grady Sizemore? Why not!

Nobody comes with a guarantee. We can sign that stud pitcher from Texas, but if we do, he can only disappoint. Let's gamble. I'm feeling lucky!

In 2009, the Yankees led America out of his economic funk through stimulus spending. We signed CC, AJ and Tex. Say what you will about AJ - we won it all that year. Ever since, we've acted sheepish about all our money, like a billionaire pretending to be a millionaire, in hopes of people feeling sorry for him. Screw it.

We're not going to sign Prince Fielder, Albert Pujols or Jose Reyes. At least three teams in baseball are going to go $100 million in the hole to snag them. They might end up in the American League, as our competitors. (I've said it before: Beware Boston sneaking in and signing Reyes. The fact that they kept Scutero means nothing. They would simply trade him.)

Let's start spending money, dammit. We're the Yankees. We're the marquee team in American sports. Spend some pleed!

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Letter to the Editor: Joe D should have been on DWTS

The San Francisco Chronicle (California)
November 6, 2011 Sunday

Dear Editors,

It was interesting to read in Wayback Machine Oct. 2 that Joe DiMaggio, the greatest centerfielder in the history of baseball sorry about that, Willie, did a song and dance routine with his brother Vince on a vaudeville tour in the 1930s. Having had the pleasure in the late 1940s and early 1950s of seeing the graceful Yankee Clipper roam the outfield and skillfully run the bases, I have no doubt that "DiMag" would have been a smash success on "Dancing With the Stars" though I've never seen the show, had the time element and circumstances provided him with the opportunity.

Has there ever been a classier person in sports or even show business than the truly inimitable Joltin' Joe?

Lanny Middings, San Ramon

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Jesus is coming to Syracuse

Cancel the order on that army of robot Venezuelan bodyguards. Jesus Montero won't have to celebrate Thanksgiving 2011 as the subject of a ransom note penciled by ornery gaucho kidnappers. Nope. He's coming to the safest place on Earth (as long as you have winter tires): Syracuse.

The budding Yankee savior will appear unto followers at the Disneyworld of retail commerce, the famed Destiny USA (above) -- formerly known as the famed DestiNY, the famed Carousel Center Mall and the famed "Big Thing We're Building, and We'll Tell You What To Call It When We're Done."

Jesus shall appeareth at the Cooperstown Connection store next Saturday, November 19. Tickets for autographed bats, caps or whatever start at $55. Sheesh, that's less than a mortgage payment! The best part is the advertising, which recognizes that Jesus might be dealt.

Should we attempt an IT IS HIGH exclusive interview?

Friday, November 11, 2011

Papelbon flees