Tuesday, November 30, 2010


And we need nominations...

Brian Cashman, for keeping down salaries?
Larry Rothschild, as a goodwill gesture?
Derek Jeter, as a parting gift?

Let's go, helpers.

Yogi Berra, Gil McDougald, Whitey Ford and Phil Rizzuto In Hillbilly Whiz

from crazy about tv

Episode Number: 73 Season Number: 3 First Aired: October 1, 1957 "Bilko's Bombers" are dragging themselves back to the barracks after being shellacked, 24-0, in a baseball game. "It's more like Bilko's misguided missiles," says Ernie in disgust. They fact the motor pool team lost to the WAC typists is all the more insulting. Bilko takes turns picking on some of the players. What really upsets him is that he has $50 bet with Ridzik and Grover on the game next week against Company A and now thinks "I can kiss that money goodbye."

The next day, while on the shooting range, they get a new recruit, "Hank Lumpkin," a Hillybilly from Tennessee (talk about a stereotype). He demonstrates you don't need bullets to hit that target 150 yards away. He throws rocks that hit the bullseye every time with an assortment of pitches. Bilko, of course, is excited: he has a pitcher, and someone who nobody would be able to hit! He rushes back and suckers the opponents into upping the ante for the baseball bet.

He wins the bet, even though Lumpkin hurts his left hand and has to pitch his right. He can also hit the ball out of sight. Now Bilko sets his sets higher: the Yankees. He can make a fortune as this kid's agent.

What happens next with the Yankees is very funny with several unexpected twists and turns. We also get cameos from four New York Yankee players of the era: Yogi Berra, Gil McDougald, Whitey Ford and Phil Rizzuto.

This episode was extremely entertaining and the type of show that helped make this program so highly-rated."

Monday, November 29, 2010

Long before Jeter, a Rookie of the Year SS played 10 years for the Yankees and went to the World Series in eight of them. He died today.

R.I.P. Gil McDougald

Just one final epitaph:

In 1957, his line drive hit Herb Score in the head and knocked him unconscious. For a while, it was not clear that Score would ever see again. McDougald, still in his prime, vowed to retire from baseball if Score was blinded.

The Mormon Sterlingtonian Choir

10 Reasons Jeet Will Stay with Yankees

1. On other teams, he'll have to run for Captain.

2. Owns winter home in Tampa.

3. Would have to change logo on checks.

4. Doesn't want to have to memorize new zip code.

5. Currently lives near good take-out deli.

6. Would have to reconfigure car to new AM stations.

7. John Sterling's suicide on his hands.

8. Doesn't want to watch Eduardo Nunez break his hitting records.

9. Would lose chances with Kirsten Gillibrand.

10. How do we say it? Eighty million greenies, simolians, dee-dongs, manoogas, blondcatchers... Reggies.

Sunday, November 28, 2010

RIP Leslie Nielsen

I would have posted this video earlier, but he wasn't dead then ...

Javier Vazquez Joins Marlins

It's fate. A done deal.

Dare we hope that A.J. Burnett makes his prodigal return, too?

It is here

When Boston fans boo Jeet, it's because they're secretly hot for him

Mortal enemy the Boston Dirt Dogs website ran a poll last week:

When Boston fans boo Cappy, they are living a lie.
They're like 11-year-olds teasing the girl they have a secret crush on.
That night, they go to bed thinking of him and -- well -- you know...

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Willie Nelson arrested on charge of being Willie Nelson

Arrest caps masterful, 35-year police investigation.

Letter to the Editor: "How long...?"

Sydney Morning Herald (Australia)
November 20, 2010 Saturday

Dear Editors,

Giants, Suns, Broncos, Cowboys, Raiders, Blue Sox ("Young Suns to evolve quickly from virtual dwarfs to veritable giants", November 19). How long until we have an Australian sporting team called the Yankees?

Garry Smith

Yanks, Jeet, working out problems

Captain America has lowered his demands by about $40 million.

Flowers and chocolate, and they might need a motel.

Yanks embarrassed by revelation that Jeter's agent was Taliban impersonator

KABUL _ Taliban commanders in Afghanistan are reacting with amusement this weekend to news of an impostor who, by claiming he was Derek Jeter's agent, managed to fool Yankee officials and get invited to high-level contract talks.

The man pretending to be insurgent agent Casey Close was in fact a shopkeeper from Quetta in Western Pakistan, they said.

“Imagine,” Mohammad Shapiro, a senior Taliban commander, (pictured) told IT IS HIGH, “if a shopkeeper from Quetta can make barnyard pigs of them (the Steinbrenners) and keep them engaged in talks for a six or seven year deal at $150 million, how do they believe they can sign Cliff Lee?

"Oy," he continued. "A hundred fifty million? That's a chunka poppy droppings. If our leadoff terrorist hit into 20 doubleplays, we would post his butterknife beheading on YouTube. Of course, we cannot post anything on YouTube because of their infidel copyright lawyers. Did you know they are Hamas?"

Friday, November 26, 2010

Guess who is coming to town... with John & Suzyn

Yankeetorial: It's time for us to lead the world out of this economic darkness

Two years ago, with Earth facing economic foreclosure, the New York Yankees piloted an unprecedented spending splurge, restoring confidence in the American way of life.

Today, the nation again turns its lonely eyes to the team of The Babe, The Mick, The Scooter, The Iron Horse, The Yog, The Giambino, Captain, The Yankee Clipper, The Grandy Man and The Yankees win, Thuuuuugh Yankees win.

Today, we must shop.

But not like Pirates. Not like Mariners. Not like Rockies.

We must shop like Yankees.

We must:

1. Find a compromise deal with Derek Jeter, showing the fractured U.S. political system that negotiations can work, that Americans agree on far more than we disagree.

2. Give the great Mariano Rivera whatever he wants, re-establishing our nation's economic supremacy in the hemisphere.

3. Sign Cliff Lee, telling the world: Write this down, everybody! The Yankees will win the 2011 World Series.

4. Buy a lefty reliever -- a Downs, a Merrill, who cares! -- showing that America cannot be held hostage over a strategic component, such as oil or rare earth.

5. Devalue the price of our tickets, showing that the Yankee recovery will be shared by everybody!

5. Cut overpriced players and family ownership in-laws and hangers on -- you know their names -- who bloat our budget and threaten our future.

6. Resign the legendary radio voices of America... who bring truth to oppressed listeners throughout the world.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Thanksgiving Memories

Happy Thanksgiving From The Yankee First Family

Personalize funny videos and birthday eCards at JibJab!
Is that turkey the captain?

Today's roster

Brett Garden Salad
Derek Jeeblets
Hensley "Yam Yam" Meulens
Robin Venturkey
Dan Pasquash
Darryl Cranberry
Steve "Bye-Bye" Wishboni
Damian Rolls
Mike Hargravy
Goose Gossage
Spud Chandler
Colter Beans
David Scone

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Happy Thanksgiving from IT IS HIGH

Enjoy your trip through the airport.

Casey ( Derek's Agent ) Adds On His fingers

At right, Casey Close in high school photo shows math skills by adding on his fingers.

Now, he must add 3, 7 and 10 to Derek's age to have a multiplier for $15 million.

Casey believes that the Yankees must now pay for Derek's past accomplishments. I mean, is that how it works?

Didn't Derek just finish a contract worth $180 million? Plus twice that amount in fringe benefits from starlets and shoe companies? What was that for?

I know it is against all american economic principles to consider paying someone for current and projected value. I mean, the worms at Lehman and AIG got millions for failure, right?

And Derek has always been a winner. He has delivered 100% on expectations and was paid handsomely in recognition thereof.

But today, at his ripening age, with his numbers down, his range narrowing and the Yankees winning nothing of note, isn't it fair that he gets $45 million for 3 seasons, regardless of his or the team's performance?

That's is more than the GNP of Haiti.

It is more than we pay Karzai and his brother every month to grow poppy. It is almost as much as Dick Cheney makes each year the wars drag on.

But it is enough to get Derek and his latest flame that 14,000 square foot home they need, They can even have Thanksgiving at the Four Seasons and come out ahead.

So I say; " good for Brian Cashman. This offer is fair and respectful." I only wish you had signed John Lackey.

If Derek wants to play for the Royals, that is on him.

And on his legacy.

Embittered, acne-faced, cheap-suited Gammonites screw another Yankee

Firstoff, let's accept that Josh Hamilton was destined to win MVP.

Hey, the man drove in 100 runs!

That's 12th best in the whole league!

Plus, Tea Party America loves a reborn, white ex-junkie who worships Jesus, refuses to let alcohol touch his body, and wears cool tattoos, which makes him edgy in a Disney-biker-Miley Cyrus sort of way. He wouldn't get my vote, but we knew he'd win. Hell, by mid-August, the world had decided. America never wants to disappoint God.

Still... Robbie Cano... third?

Fuck you, MLB. Fuck you, hacks.

You had to do it, didn't you? You had to show the dirty, rotten New York Yankees -- the market you never ascended to -- who's boss! So you voted Miguel Cabrera, the man without a glove, based on the numbers that didn't matter in the case of Josh Hamilton. You needed a Bristol Palin. Oh! you showed us! Too bad you couldn't justify pumping a Redsock into the top three. The perfect tri-fecta.

Robbie Cano is baseball's best infielder. You assholes gave Jeter a gold glove, only because Cano is his automatic DP relay to first. By mid-May, Cano was the Yankees best player, and in September, while Cabrera honed his average in meaningless at-bats, and while Hamilton nursed his tender ribs, worrying if he could hit that magic 100th RBI, Cano single-handedly pulled the Yankees to the pennant.

Last year, the MVP went to Joe Mauer. Two years ago, Dustin Pedroia.

Robbie Cano, third...?

I don't believe this shit.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

This Friday: John Gets A Licking And (Hopefully) Keeps On Ticking

10 Reasons Cliff Lee will be a Yankee

MLB TRADE RUMORS offers just 7 reasons. Meh.

Here's ten...
1. Abe Lincoln.

2. George Washington.

3. Thomas Jefferson.
4. John F. Kennedy

5. Alexander Hamilton.

6. Andrew Jackson.

7. Ben Franklin.

8. Ulysses S. Grant.

9. Grover Cleveland.

10. John Sterling.

Leaks about the Yankees from Sarah Palin's book

"So I said, 'Listenup, Mrs. Chamberlain, you're a meth fiend, and your son Joba is a drunk. Both of you: Stop listening to the media and Motel 6 whores and wrap your heads around some Scripture. Jesus walketh on water. He doesn't walketh in runs.'"

"Derek Jeter? I should care? When you're married to a champion snowmobile racer, a world class athlete like Todd, you're not going to get it any better with some lamestream Eastern establishment celebrity. Why do they call him a short stop? Ha."

"If the skipper says, 'Wanna pitch to A-Rod?' My answer would be, heck, yes!' When it comes to fighting evil, you can't hesitateulate. The Putins, the Kims, the Obamas, they're like A-Rod. So you gotta crowd the zone and look for your opening, and when you get it, go directly to the hoop."

"I don't know what Gary Sheffield ever thought the Yankees owed him, or maybe he hates White America or he's just a liberal fast-mouth, but if he lipped off to me like he did Joe Torre, he'd be on the first ice truck to Nome."

Monday, November 22, 2010

The Day the Stars Cried

1993, New Yorker
[Click to enlarge]

According to George W. Bush, the Pressure of Being President Peaked in Yankee Stadium

From his interview on Fox News...

BUSH: Right. In this case, I was invited to come and throw out the pitch at Yankee stadium. I thought it was important for the president to come back to New York again as part of the healing process and as part of the process of letting New Yorkers know the rest of the country cared for them. For all the city had been through a lot.

DOOCY: Right.

BUSH: And I accepted the invitation. And I got to tell you, that was the most nerve-racking experience of my presidency. It's the most nervous moment of the presidency.

KILMEADE: When you were on the mound?

BUSH: Yes, absolutely. I was --

DOOCY: You were in a flak jacket, right?

BUSH: I was. But that's not what made me nervous. What made me nervous - - really made me nervous was Yankee captain Derek Jeter saying if you bounce it, they'll boo you. And I was thinking about that when I went out there.

I didn't want to bounce it and I got out on the mound and the ball felt like a shot put. I'm not kidding you. My adrenalin was pumping to the point where that ball felt so heavy. And Todd Green who was a catcher looked very small. And so thankfully I didn't bounce it.

DOOCY: Shortly after that, we went to war.

BUSH: Yes.

Our 10 Questions for Emma Watson

1. Can Jorge catch 60 games next year?

2. Are you related to Bob Watson?

3. In the movies, you handle a broom masterfully. Have you worked with Kevin Long?

4. Which Yankee prospect would you sleep with: Dellin Betances, Andrew Brackman or Manuel Banuelos?

5. In recent years, your "strike zone" certainly has improved. Are more changes coming? 

6. Has anyone ever told you that you are simply the sweetest little peach of a thing they've ever seen?

7. Do you mind it when people Photoshop your face onto David Ortiz?

8. Do you think anyone can predict the game of baseball?

9. Governor, we know you're tired of this, but everyone here at Fox News can't help but be wondering if you are considering a run for U.S. President in 2012?

10. Do people on the Harry Potter set ever quip, "Elementary, my dear Watson!" and when they do, how can you keep from breaking up?

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Whose side are we on?

Sometime In February: Larry Rothschild Tries A New Strategy With AJ

Larry tries going off-beat, by asking A.J. what his wishes and dreams are for the upcoming season.
Translation: A hole in the head.

Top 10 Hot Yankee Fan Discussions of Week

1. Wash hands after peeing. Cliff Lee is judging us.

2. Jeet wants six? Think: Willie Mays as Met.

3. Jesus is coming! (Unless we trade him.)

4. Who the hell is Larry Rothschild?

5. TSA groin rubs: Yankee Stadium 2011?

6. Royals wedding! Takes edge off Juan Miranda trade.

7. Bristol Palin: Legs like Gardner, face like Joba.

8. C.C. screwed by Gammonites. (Hope Cliff Lee isn't watching.)

9. Jorge gets new knee. Shoulda done it in July.

10. Minka Kelly, barely bare! (Bet Cliff Lee is watching.)

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Land of Make Believe III

Land of Make Believe II

Land of Make Believe

In media's imagination, ancient cathedral to host Army-Notre Dame game today

Tradition lives in The House That Ruth Built!

Yes, those magical, ghostly grounds -- where the likes of Lou Gehrig, Joe Louis, Mickey Mantle and Frank Gifford became legends -- today will host the hydrocarbon fumes of 10,000 cars and buses, full of people attending a nearby football game.

The landmark cathedral -- razed and dismantled last year so that clumps of concrete could be shrink-wrapped into Steiner Collectibles -- has been successfully redefined in the vaunted American memory hole.

Today, when Army plays Notre Dame, the fantastical dreams of corporations and politicians across New York will finally come true, as network TV and the U.S. media pretend nothing changed -- that the dollar-buffed fortress of disco lounges and skyboxes was always here -- back in the days of Blanchard and the Four Horsemen. So because it calls itself Yankee Stadium, it inherits the majesty of the old one.

Think: Frank Sinatra and Frank Sinatra Jr.

Or: The Beatles and Beatlemania.

Hooray! The ghosts of Yankee Stadium shall be swirling today, above the Hummers and minivans jammed along the freshly graveled site. Look into the clouds over that tailgate BBQ and, who knows, maybe you'll see the face of Andy Robustelli.

Sometime In February: Larry Rothschild's First Encounter With Joba

A translation:  "He talks nonsense.  He wanders around like a fart in a barrel."

Friday, November 19, 2010

Film Trailer For "Radio Silence?"


In a binding poll launched earlier this week, we asked: what should this blog do on the day John leaves the New York Yankees Radio Network Driven By Jeep? You answered: forget about the Yankees and move on to the next phase of John's life.

Speaking only for myself, I'm surprised by the result.  And very pleased.

Jeter To Play Until 50 and Eagles to Beat Giants By 50

I am just back from a few weeks at Lourdes, recovering from drug and alcohol abuse symptoms.

By the way, there is great wine available at this "sanctuary of rest and reflection," and decent baguettes.

Once I stopped seeing spiders who looked like Dick Cheney climbing the walls of my room, I was released.

So what do I read on the flight back from Paris?

A back page filled with news that Derek and Hal are at least $50 million and 4-6 years apart, and an Eagles win over the Skins where it was 45-0 at the half.

Derek must believe he will still have "game" at 50. He will, of course, but said game will not be at shortstop for the Yanks. Perhaps he will play in a Central Park" Caviar and Cristal" softball league. Maybe we can finally be on the same field with bats and balls in hands.

Meanwhile, I noted that the Giants are playing the Eagles on Sunday night in Philly. The Vick boy, who was also briefly at Lourdes just before doing time, is playing better QB than George Bush played at being President.

With recent injuries ( Giants lose at least one starter per week for the year ), we have no prayer ( see, Lourdes is still sniping at me ), and should start Sage Rosenfels to preserve Eli for a late season run.

Good thing Thanksgiving is nigh.

It is really getting ugly for NY sports teams.

Criminal acts: Rape, murder, animal abuse, being A-Rod

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Scientists isolate antimatter

Yankee Poodle Wins MGR of Year

Ron Gardenhire, whose name alone conjures visions of Yankee post-season celebration, has been given an award by a select committeee dominated by NY sportswriters, ensuring that Minnesota will keep him at least one more year.

Today, IT IS HIGH is naming him...

Yankee Opposition Manager of the Year.

Yes, there is nothing more frightening to the average Bomber fan than the thought of heading to post-season against the wily Gardenhire and his Vikingesque Minnesotans. Once Gardenhire reaches into his bag of tricks, anything can happen -- even Jesse Crane!

Here's to the man we hope manages against us next October.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

What John Will Be Doing If He Loses Yankee gig

It is very simple.

John has had a magic relationship for years with Suzyn Waldman and, if that bond is shattered by the new Yankee radio deal, it will be sad.

But for John ( I know from bar conversations with the well-coiffed one) , his next steps are clear.

He has kept a list of all the lovely damsels that A-Rod has boinked, and he intends to pursue each and every one of them.

He will travel the globe, have martinis up, and chow down on steaks and lobster in this endless chase.

We'll see him in the media often as he sends his love arrows to these stars and starlets.

So we need not despair.

While his voice to us may go silent, replaced by some shill relative of Hal or Hank, his deeds will be well recorded.

Yankee Seals: Fighting Redsock fans over there, so we don't have to fight them here

We salute today's hero: PINSTRIPEZAC30

While you IIH readers sit around, lipsticking your butt cheeks for the next airport security check, these Yankee commandos march into boston.com and the Sons of Sam Horn and post on behalf of the team. You luxuriate in this safe-and-secure, driven-by-Jeep Yankee site, knowing that anything you say will be forgiven by your kindred comrades. But these brave souls take it directly to the Youkiban.

Pinstripezac30 posts hundreds of comments, each designed to enflame the sensibilities of Redsock fans.

Yesterday, PZAC parachuted into the thread called "Yankees Roster Predictions," quickly announced plans to buy Carl Crawford and trade for Derek Lowe -- a delightfully hurtful thought. Then, when Redsock forces mustered opposition, he posted this picture.

PZAC... we salute you.

The rest of you, have you patrolled a Redsock forum today?

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Letter to the Editor: "Nasty, yucky Yankees"

The San Luis Obispo Tribune (California)

November 10, 2010 Wednesday

Dear Editors:

Baseball has more statistics than you can imagine. Here are some that are guaranteed to take the wind out of Dodgers fans’ sails. They have been very useful to this Giants fan since our glorious victory.

World Series appearances:

Giants: 18; and Dodgers: 18.

World Series wins:

Giants: 6; and Dodgers: 6.

They are tied for second place in both categories. The nasty, yucky Yankees are, of course, in first.

I am counting the days until spring training 2011.

Ray Monson

The fight goes on

These Redsock fans are like shipwrecked WWII Japanese sailors on a lost island.
Their war will never end.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Get this: Yankees to offer series of $5 tickets in 2011

No lie. Five dollar... five dollar foot long...

Slightly obscured view.

The Fight Goes On

Redsock Nation still seething in forums

Celebration Underway For Important Upcoming Birthday

Norm Clarke's Vegas Confidential

Redsock Nation's "10 Reasons I Hate the Yankees" thread delves into 9/11 conspiracy

It's always great entertainment when Redsock moondorks debate. It's like watching beetles fight. Imagine Glenn Beck arguing with Lyndon Larouche after an hour with the Volcano vaporizer.

Nowhere is the chatter more astral than on the Boston Globe's fan forum "10 Reasons Why I Hate the New York Yankees," which gathers thought-provoking comments straight from the knowledge-laden toad-lickers of Magic Town.

The latest example begins with a cry for justice: The old chestnut that MLB umps favor the Yankees in calls, because Bud Selig fears low TV ratings without a New York team in the World Series. Then it gracefully delves into the 9/11 Truth Movement, which claims the Twin Towers attacks were illegal, because they lacked an authentic U.S. birth certificate. Or something like that. Fluoride in the water supply.

Redsock fans.

May they always oppose us!