Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Who cut it... John, Suzyn or Mark Feinsand?

We report. You decide.

@FakeJeter Tonight

We Band Of Brothers

A reworking of this hopefully with better results. And just think, tomorrow Jesus is one of the band
This day shall be the feast upon Boston.
He that outlives these innings, and comes safe home,
Will stand a tip-toe when this day is warbl'd,
And rouse him at the name of Red Socks
He that shall live this day, and advance to First Place,
Will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbours,
And say 'Tonight is the night we devour’d Francona's band.'
Then will he strip his sleeve and show his scars,
And say 'These wounds I had at Fenway
Old men forget (they mostly play for us); yet all shall be forgot,
But Sterling will remember, with advantages,
What feats he did that day. Then shall our names,
Familiar in John’s mouth as household warblings-
Mariano the King, Jeter and Swish,
Curtis and Tex, Nuni and Cano-
Be in their flowing cups freshly rememb'red.
This story shall the good man teach his son;
And Beckett and Boston shall ne'er go by us,
From this day to the Series of the World,
But we in it shall be remembered-
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he to-day that sheds Socks blood with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition;
And gentlemen in Tampa now-a-bed (this means you, Damaso)
Shall think themselves accurs'd they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That fought with us in John Henry's house.

What Was Terry Francona Thinking?

I know I criticize Joe a lot, but I'm glad that he showed some passion last night. Hopefully retaliation will come at a smarter time than what Terry did. Also, at least Joe dresses like a manager instead of sporting some kind of pajama top like this clown. BTW, Maybe Terry is another secret Condoleezza admirer?

It's time to take nominations for August Yankee Employee of the Month

Yankeetorial: Is Cervelli our Bacon or our Leyritz?

Poor John Lackey. He must have grown up in that "Footloose" town that bans dancing. After a batter homers, Lackey wants him to march respectfully to the dugout, recite a psalm from the good book and celebrate with a splash of water and a sunflower seed. Thus, last night, he had no choice but to cast his stone at the repentant head of the demon, Frankie Cervelli, our Yankee Kevin Bacon.

Yep, he threw at Cervelli's head. The YES team ragged on tonelessly about Cervelli's hand clap at home, but nobody mentioned that Osama bin Lackey threw at the guy's head.

Well, screw them, and screw Lackey. We always get a Cervelli adrenal boost. That's how he plays: Run hard, yell hard, clap. With runners on, he elevates his game. He's made a career as pet catcher for certain pitchers. And he gets big hits.

Today, at River Ave, they note how Cervelli's three career HRs have each been historic - "His 2009 shot in Atlanta was basically the turning point of that season, and his grand slam in Texas earlier this year helped end an offensive malaise and a rather sizable losing skid."  On a team that sometime scores 22, it's amazing to think that Cervelli never homered in a blowout. His career numbers may be low. They're sure not padded.  

Which reminds me of Jim Leyritz, the wiseass who hit great homeruns during the early Torre years, now sadly remembered for his DWI and being organizationally shunned. Both caught. Both seemed snake-bitten. (Cervelli lost a year when a Tampa meatball  coldcocked him during an exhibition game. Leyritz screwed up the ball in LF that lost Andy Hawkins' no-hitter.) Both knew more talented players were out there. They just hustled harder.

So next year, we have a delimna. Jesus Montero is coming. Russel Martin deserves to stay. Austin Romine will knock on the door, with Gary Sanchez ever rising. We have a system full of young catchers. But only one deserves to be the fulltime backup.

It's been tough enough watching Ace Aceves pitch for Boston. God helps us if they ever get Cervelli. Yeesh. They might as well have Kevin Bacon.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Francisco Strikes The First Blow For The Light Brigade

A Scene From Fenway: Getting Ready For C.C. Prior To Last Night's Game

Our new refrain: Let Manny be Sandy

Last night's scorebook.
He took a no-hitter into the sixth.
Against Pawtucket.

(Betances pitched the second game, gave up 2 runs)

Jesus is pulling for us

By this weekend, Jesus shalt ascendeth.

Yankeetorial: Six things we cannot say about this three game series at Fenway

Minus Arod, Yanks downgraded to tropical storm... But still could do major damage in New England

Badaboom. Yes, today we follow the lead of Irene, who took a season to arrive, brought more hype than wind, but when she finally performed Rigoletto - cried so intensely that we still need buckets. Badaboom.

Well... what to say? It's finally here. How about Six statements we cannot make about this series:

1. The games are critical. Hell no. This series is equivalent to Monday night's Giants/Jets exhibition: The winner gets bragging rights. Nothing more. By October 1, this set - unless it causes an injury - will be forgotten.

2. CC must show Boston he can beat them. Sorry. But he can beat them. He knows it. They know it. He's CC Sabathia, for god's sake. He has nothing to prove. In fact, the more he struggles against them, the more nervous every Redsock fan should be. Think Kenny Rogers against us in the 2005 (?) post. Of course, we want CC to pitch well. Prove himself? Get real.

3. AJ's post-season rotation spot is on the line. This is a joke, right? There is no way - shy of a breakdown of five other pitchers - that AJ Burnett will start in our postseason. That ship has sailed. (Oh, sure, he could throw 30 shutout innings! Why don't we also imagine the Easter Bunny rising from the sea and ending casino gambling!) After the Redsocks hammer him, as we know they will, Girardi will lower the boom. That's good. AJ needs a week off to clear his head. But it's probably not mental and a case of guts. The guy is old and whip thin. His arm might just be pitched out. Instead of calling him names, let's accept that.

4. We really need Arod back. No, we don't. Eduardo Nunez is hitting just as well as ARod was, while injured. Recently, we have played better without Arod. Yeah, we need Alex sharp in October, but the team might even be looser without him, while he struggles. At least without him, we have an excuse.

5. This is a glimpse of the playoffs. Oh? Why would anyone think so? The winner of the AL East will likely face Detroit in a five game series. That's Justin Verlander twice. The loser probably faces Texas. Boston kills the Rangers. We have a score to settle with them. The AL playoffs will probably be Detroit v. this winner.

6. This is the lineup to play in October. No, it's not. By this weekend, Jesus Montero will be getting his shot at DH, and probably a few games catching. He's hot in Scranton. If he just goes once around the league - think: Shane Spencer, Kevin Maas, or (going way back) Bobby Brown  - the Yankiverse will go batshit crazy. Every Jesus at bat will be special. Savior or false god? It wil be fun. Once this team gets Jesus, everything will change. We shalt be transformed. And Boston? They will be the same - whatever that is.

Into The Valley Of Fenway...One Way To Get Rid Of AJ

When can their glory fade?
O the wild charge they made!
All the world wondered.
Honor the charge they made,
Honor the A-Rod Less Brigade,
Noble 24.

Scenes We'd Like To See: A Nick Swisher Interview

Monday, August 29, 2011

Bring On The Socks: The Curse Of WB Mason

If that doesn't get them then we lock up Big Papi with the woman who screeches, "Just as much is never never as good."

Scenes We'd Like To See: A Curtis Granderson Interview That's Real

Yankeetorial: Tonight, the Orioles have something we need

Tonight, we face mop-up time with the angriest franchise in baseball, run by the sourest man in the game. The Orioles are angry because their owner is a dolt, their manager sleeps with an axe, and over the last 15 years, they haven't even won a free calendar from their insurance agent. Last week, a good man - their announcer - went and killed himself. And they're pissed. At us, of course.

Naturally, it's our fault

It's always our fault. If not for us, they would own several recent championships. Everybody knows this. We stole Mike Mussina from them. He was theirs - they owned him - and how dare he go elsewhere!

Actually, the Orioles sort of hate everybody. They hate the Baltimore Ravens because the team always contends. They hate expansion teams - the Rays and Marlins, for example - who have risen during the time they've continually sucked. Most of all, they hate Derek Jeter. Yes, they hate him because they didn't draft him. Nope. They drafted a guy named Hammond on the pick before Jeet. So they're muy pissed.

Of course, they have Buck Showalter, who grinds his teeth whenever a pinstripe comes into view. This weekend, they shoved it to the dirty rotten Yankees - forced us to reschedule another travel day, while other teams played doublheaders - so we now go to Boston beaten and weary, while the Redsocks have momentum, first place and two days of rest and relaxation.

Misery loves company.

Tonight, we have one recourse: Beat the piss out of them. We need 22 runs. Beat them like a dirty rug. Pound them like pizza dough. Beat them, and steal their anger.

We're heading into Boston, and it's time for us to be pissed.

Sunday, August 28, 2011


Bloomberg defends Empire State Building move during Irene

The reason Jeet and Minka Kelly broke-up?

John Works The Room

I wonder whether he dined with Suzie and Carlos Siilva?
The Prime Rib in Mid-Town-Belvedere saw its Saturday bookings halved, according to the restaurant's general manager, David Derewicz, but he was happy with the results. "The phones were busy," Derewicz said. "We have customers you can set a clock by. In a few cases, the husband had found out the wife had cancelled and called back in to remake the reservation." One of the guests on Saturday night was veteran Yankees radio announcer John Sterling, who phoned in his reservation on Friday night after learning that he'd be getting a rare Saturday night off. "He called us "the safe, friendly and reliable enclave of the Prime Rib," Derewicz said.

Brewers pass us for third best record in baseball

Over last three games, mighty Yankees averaging nine runs!

Yes, nine runs per game!

22 + 5 + 0 = 27/3 = 9!

And we're winning 33 percent of those games, too!

Isn't it great to be a wild card?

Hurricane Scenes We'd Like To See

The Good News And The Bad News

Jorge ties Shelley... but only in home runs

Jorge Vazquez, the Mexican Masher, is moving into Yankee farm iconic status - (thinking Kei, Bam Bam, Bye Bye, Tucker Ashford) - with his 30th slam last night at Scranton.

But before Jorge passes Shelley, let's remember Duncan's great time as a Yankee. For starters, he was the hero who stood up to the Tampa Ray hate machine after one of their thugs cheapshotted Francisco Cervelli at home plate in an exhibition game. Remember this testicle-crushing slide into second, which launched our brawl?

He was also the guy who signed the card for this young Redsock Hitler youth, probably now a trustee in some Mitt Romney PAC. Remember the scandal?

 Shelley Duncan once tweeted that the movie "Land of the Lost" wasn't worth the price of admission. Dammit, he was right! He saved me $10. He once homered in the ninth to tie Baltimore, and even though we lost the game, I'll always remember the smile on his face in that moment. Nobody ever deserved to be happier.

And whenever the Yankees neared a brawl, John Sterling pointed out that Shelley Duncan was standing guard around A-Rod.

Vazquez may tie his HR record. In my book, he'll never replace Shelley D.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

Soon, Baltimore shall pay for its insolence!

Did Alex Get Even With Derek?

By having his cousin Ramon lure away Minka?

Suzyn: Wherever The Yankees Play It's Raining All The Time

Another entry from the bizarre cultural references of the dynamic duo. Last night Suzyn spoke about a how often it's rained during Yank games this year and channeled a line from one of her favorite plays, Candide by Leonard Bernstein. From the 1956 Libretto.
CUNEGONDE (at chess table). Hot, isn't it?


CUNEGONDE. It was cold yesterday, wasn't it?


CUNEGONDE. It will rain tonight, won't it?

GOVERNOR. Wherever, you are, it's raining all the time.
I'd like to see Tim and Joe top that!

In Case Anyone Has the guts To Review the Files....

An elephant never forgets.

So Joe Girardi must not be an elephant.

How many times ( perhaps every week?) have I begged, ranted, cajoled, and raged that AJ Burnett should not be in our starting rotation?

Is anyone listening?

Is there a hurricane on its way ?

What does it take?

How many games must we give to this bum, just because some idiot signed him to $81 million Yankee dollars for life?

He should stop cutting his hair and start cutting his pitching arm off.

Then, we can respect him as an artist.

Soon, you say, August will be over and Aj will be primed for the stretch run and playoffs.

Elephant dung.

Sit this bum.

Let him be our designated pinch runner.

Try to remember what his record is.

John Sterling: The Joker Is Wild

Another one of John's unique cultural references last night. The quote, which he attributed to Joe. E. Lewis, was made to illustrate the hole that AJ always puts us in.  Many attribute the quote, however, to Henny Youngman. My question is, how does a guy who is supposedly only 63 know this stuff?

Mayor Bloomberg Orders Abandoning Of AJ Burnett

Finally, a decision I can agree with Mike about.

Here's the story... of a man named AJ...

This is a tale of our castaway; he's here for a long long time...

It's about time, it's about space, about two men in the strangest place...

Their place is a museum, where people come to see 'em...

You wanna be where everybody knows your name...

Swimming pools, movie stars...

And nobody talks to a horse, of course...

Friday, August 26, 2011


Nobody feels worse about what happened tonight than A.J.

Irene takes aim at Jersey Shore


Pedro Feliciano and Damaso Marte are back

They pitched yesterday in the Florida Daycare League. Note Marte's impressive line.

Five Days (more or less) until Scott Proctor returns

He pitched last night for the traveling Wilkes Barres.

Get ready, folks. It's going to be a truly weird September.

Is Kim Kardashian An Undercover Red Socks Agent?

Jeet's recent revival... the Minka breakup effect?

NOTE: The following contains rumor and speculation, commodities prohibited by this blog. As a rule, we don't write about Derek Jeter's sex life, nor does he post snide comments about ours. (Thinking of you, Alphonso.) Nevertheless, in our mission to explore the stark Yankee human condition, we feel compelled to offer these comments regarding the Captain's recent resurgence at the plate.

To the Yankiverse:

I do not claim to know what it's like to be Derek Jeter. (I can imagine being Ari Fleischer, but I'll spare you the details.) Nevertheless, I can state the following with utter sincerity and certainty:

While dating Minka Kelly, I could NOT hit .400 for a month.

Nope. I would wither and cry "nay." The sheer volume of activity would likely harm me in ways I prefer not to imagine. The Master says nobody can predict baseball. But we can predict the limits to mortal human endurance. Be honest, Reader: Could you summon the Thor-like vigor of a .400 month... while captaining nightly glory raids upon such an alternatively supine field of frolic?

Reader, if your answer is yes... you are living a lie.

The Internet reports that Jeet and Minka have gone Sonny-Cher, Brad-Jenn, Ben-Lo. Calculating the normal three-week lag for Internet crapola, that puts the cataclysmic breakup sometime around 5:01 a.m. E.S.T. on August 1... when Jeet's bat suddenly began finding good wood.

Yes, around Aug. 1, those weak double play grounders abruptly turned into rock-hard, stallion-rousing rope rockets. That day, el Capitan returneth to his 20s! Yes, shortly after he began drinking from the Ponce de Leon Fountain of Celibacy, his Betty White August became a Tia Tequilla April.

So what does this mean?





10 Things John Sterling would say in a hurricane

1. It is high, it is far, it is... A FUNNEL CLOUD TOUCHING DOWN!

2. You're on the ark, Teixeira!

3. Robbie Cano... can't cha row?

4. That was the 15th death of this storm, and a 15-minute call to Geiko could save you 15 percent on car insurance.

5. Curtis Granderson hits one! Oh, the Grandy Man swam, ohhh, the Grandy Man swam!

6. Suzyn has just been carried off by a large tsunami. I'm sure we'll hear all the details in her clubhouse report.

7. An A-bomb from A-Rod... Hurricane Alex conquers again!

8. It's the Hebrew Home at Riverdale. I've been there. It's like college campus - with boat access!

9. That wind gust came in at 100 miles per hour. Time Warner Road Runner can give you that kind of speed...

10. Ballgame over. Yankees swim. Thuuuuuuh Yankees swim!

"Holy Crap!" Jesus expels one

Judging by the crowd, he must have been playing the Marlins.

Note: This was the first of two he hit last night.

I prayed for him to quit, before/His lifetime dropped below .300...


On Bardball.

AJ's New Look: Schmuck With Earflaps

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Three blasts

Statement for the record

If we lose three in a row at home to the Oakland A's, the Yankees and NYC deserve to be obliterated by Hurricane Irene.

Tex: All Or Nothing At All

 Yes he did finally hit a clutch HR yesterday but increasingly it seems to be All or Nothing At All

All or nothing at all
An opposite stroke RBI never appealed to me
I'll bat into the shift though it never will yield to me
Then I'd rather have nothing at all
All or nothing at all
It's either a HR and there ain't no in-between
Why begin and cry for something that might have been
No I'd rather have nothing at all
Please don't put your hopes so close to my stroke
Don't smile or you'll be lost beyond recall
The tears in your eyes the screams from your throats makes me choke
And my heart may grow dizzy and fall
And if I fell under the spell of your call
I would be caught in the undertow
So you see I've got to say no
All or nothing at all 

The Greatness Of Big Papi

“I’m not a five-tool player,” he says. “I may be a two-tool player. But one of them tools is this one right here.”
Ortiz points to his head again. Boston’s designated hitter and, more than that, the conscience of Red Sox Nation, talks with his hands. His fingers reveal his mood. They dance when he’s excited. They stagger at disappointment. They swirl at confusion. When Ortiz wants to emphasize a point, he moves them slowly – sometimes touching another person’s shoulder or leg or, in this case, his own head

Things to do this weekend at the Redsocks game

1. The backstroke.
2. Use Big Papi as a sandbag.
3. Tie Pedroia to a kite.
4. Cower before the incredible force of nature that is Jacoby Ellsbury.
5. Watch weather radar on Jumbotron.

Brief Review

I was just going through a pile of old notes lying on my closet floor, and found something pertinent.

A note dated mid-March, 2011, jotted on a whiskey-stained piece of stationery from a Tampa Hotel reads:

" Soriano is a head-case. He is a nut job who will never help the Yankees. Wait until there is a big game against some crap team, and he will blow it late.
Why? Because he is a nut case who cannot handle New York. He should never have been signed."

The rest of the jottings on the page are outdated phone numbers, the names of a few horses running at Hialeah, and a reminder that there are no good chinese restaurants in Florida.

Oysters of Hercules! We're now hosting career nights for Coco Crisp?

Recently, YES or River Ave or somebody with a clipboard and calculator conjured up  a set of stats showing this year's Yankee team has not been shut down consistently by no-name, mediocre pitchers... as the truth-telling anecdotes in our guts have long been assuring us.

Well, instead we've been suddenly magnetized to attract career nights from fading blood clots. Good grief: Two home runs from Coco Crisp? Hide the children! Run for the hills! The Yeti is coming. What paranormal forces in the universe merge to create the conditions in which Coco Crisp hits two home runs in one game?

Same forces that swirl around Yankee Stadium, I guess. Does the name Bobby Abreu strike a note? Two weeks ago, up comes the old Wall Flower - four HR on the season and a batting average south of Francisco Cervelli - and suddenly he's swinging like Jennifer Lopez on a Mark Anthony pinata.

Last week it was Jason Kubel. Nothing on the year. Against us, three for five. Remember Seattle's Mike Carp? We're probably the only team in baseball to remember Mike Carp.

There's some wicked juju going on out there. We may need a dead Hollywood Square or burst of solar flares to jumpstart the Yankee stretch run. Hurricane Irene, are you coming?

Excerpts from Dick Cheney's memoir (IIH via Slate)

I'll never forget the anguish in his voice. "You have no choice, son," he said. "You've simply got to take that military deferment." I felt punched in the gut. "No!" I shouted. "No, damn you! No! That's the fifth time you've done this to me!"

Whose Sori Now, We're Sorry Now

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Gerald Butler Can Wear The Hat, But..

El Duque made a big deal about Butler wearing the colors, but...

Where's Qaddafi?

Another guest of John Henry's at Fenway?

It happened on Obama's watch

While he was on vacation, no less!