'98 Yanks rally to tie All-Time Yankee series with '51 team

Series tied: 2-2
Knobby, Jeet, sparkplugs!
Gil takes El Duque downtown!
In dramatic appearance, Joe D ignites stadium!
Mo flubs lead, then comes through!
Billy fails!
Next up: Vic Raschi v David Cone!
REMATCH!

Friday, August 26, 2011

Jeet's recent revival... the Minka breakup effect?

NOTE: The following contains rumor and speculation, commodities prohibited by this blog. As a rule, we don't write about Derek Jeter's sex life, nor does he post snide comments about ours. (Thinking of you, Alphonso.) Nevertheless, in our mission to explore the stark Yankee human condition, we feel compelled to offer these comments regarding the Captain's recent resurgence at the plate.

To the Yankiverse:

I do not claim to know what it's like to be Derek Jeter. (I can imagine being Ari Fleischer, but I'll spare you the details.) Nevertheless, I can state the following with utter sincerity and certainty:

While dating Minka Kelly, I could NOT hit .400 for a month.

Nope. I would wither and cry "nay." The sheer volume of activity would likely harm me in ways I prefer not to imagine. The Master says nobody can predict baseball. But we can predict the limits to mortal human endurance. Be honest, Reader: Could you summon the Thor-like vigor of a .400 month... while captaining nightly glory raids upon such an alternatively supine field of frolic?

Reader, if your answer is yes... you are living a lie.

The Internet reports that Jeet and Minka have gone Sonny-Cher, Brad-Jenn, Ben-Lo. Calculating the normal three-week lag for Internet crapola, that puts the cataclysmic breakup sometime around 5:01 a.m. E.S.T. on August 1... when Jeet's bat suddenly began finding good wood.

Yes, around Aug. 1, those weak double play grounders abruptly turned into rock-hard, stallion-rousing rope rockets. That day, el Capitan returneth to his 20s! Yes, shortly after he began drinking from the Ponce de Leon Fountain of Celibacy, his Betty White August became a Tia Tequilla April.

So what does this mean?

THE ROAD TO OUR 28TH WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP RUNS THROUGH THE DRIED-UP TRENCH CALLED ABSTINENCE.

WE AT IT IS HIGH HEREBY CALL UPON ALL YANKEES - THAT INCLUDES COACHES, MINOR LEAGUERS, YES ANNOUNCERS AND BAT BOYS (WHO FRANKLY, ARE TOO YOUNG TO DABBLE ANYWAY) - TO HANG UP THEIR SEXUAL CLEATS AND SWING ONLY ON THE BALLFIELD.

YANKEES, HEAR ME... YOU CAN CLEAN UP OVER THANKSGIVING! YOU'LL HAVE THE ENTIRE WINTER! NO SEX, FROM NOW UNTIL THE WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP FLAG FLIES RIGID AS A DIAMOND PLANET O'ER YANKEE STADIUM.

STAND TALL, YANKEES! SAVE IT FOR THE PLAYING FIELD, KEEP YOUR OOMPAHS BETWEEN THE CHALK LINES... AND THIS SHALL BE YOUR GREATEST SEASON! WOOOOOOH, THOSE FILTHY REDSOCKS WON'T KNOW WHAT HIT 'EM! (Wait... could someone introduce Minka to that Adrian Gonzalez guy?)

2 comments:

Joe De Pastry said...

Regarding the GIDP reference:
Did you know that 6 other Yankees have actually had more than Jeter [9] this year? #1 is the overrated Cano[17].

alert Alphonso said...

So I can start dating Minka?