Friday, April 30, 2010

Disgraceful: Mets undefeated since oil explosion disaster.

They'll do anything to win. Bastards.

The oil rig in the Gulf of Mexico exploded April 20. The following day, murky crude began befowling waters off the coast of Louisiana, destroying habitat and the coastal economy.

That was the last day the Mets lost.

At the time, they were 6-9.

Now, envigorated by the environmental disaster, they are 13-9.


The Four Yankees of the Apocalypse

Derby Is Nothing Compared With Race to Hitter's Oblivion: A-Rod vs. Grandy

One of those pros is 0-24 and the other, neck and neck with that.

What is it with April? Tex can't hit his shoes with his own pee.

If it weren't for Robbie, Jorge and Brett's uncanny power spraying singles all around the infield, this team would be coming in out of the money for the month.

Tomorrow is May 1. The first Saturday in May is the Kentucky Derby. It is break-out day for Tex.

With some of Grandy's strikeouts against lefties lately, I'm beginning to wonder if this trade was a dog. A-Rod gets a free ride until August for his clutch hitting last year.

But I'm still not betting on the favorite.

The Bearded Bleater Attacks John

In today's NY Murdoch, Phil Mushnick lashes out at The Master for centering our White House love-in.

Looking like a wax figure, Sterling was posed and positioned so perfectly and prominently in the Yankees/President photos and videos you'd have recalled that he made the catch on Bill Mazeroski to end the 1960 World Series, then, in 1996, sold his playoff seats to Jeffrey Maier's dad.

Is Ryan Seacrest not a key component of American Idol? Did Ed McMahon not share in the success of The Tonight Show? Did Cher not need Sonny? Did Tennille not rely on the Capitan? That Washington stage needed John. It should have included all who sacrified to win in 2009.

We were not miffed by the snub. We're used to it. We understand. By excluding us, the Yankees give us cover to print truth and attack evil in ways unconnected to the team. We're the disinfo/psycho warfare wing of the Yankees. We must operate in the shadows. So be it.  John symbolizes our service. Front and center. Thuuuuuuuuuh Master.

Ed Whitson offers advice to Javier Vazquez: "Don't walk barefoot on your driveway."

Seriously, somebody tracked down Ed Whitson.

And who, you ask, is Ed Whitson?

Damn Yankees? 10 reasons why Indians are THE most hated team in baseball.

So says the Wall Street Journal, according to a scientific survey.


1. Franchise never fully recovered from its public support of Hitler.

2. Cleveland fans spoiled, having won in 1948.

3. Large Pakinstani contingent misinterpretted survey question.

4. Let's remember, it's the Wall Street Journal, owned by Rupert Murdoch.

5. Protest over induction of ABBA into Rock Hall of Fame.

6. Mean-spirited Toledo voters stacked ballot.

7. Opposing fans still hate Tris Speaker.

8. World tired of waiting for Grady Sizemore to bolt.

9. Team received bad publicity from gang-rape scandals with young nuns.

10. Cleveland fans voted for home team; they wanted to finally win something.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Sharp-eyed Yankee fan embarrasses hoity-toity New Yorker mag

They thought we wouldn't notice the mistakes.

Michael Mahler... Yankee fan of the month?

Pitching super phenom headed for Syracuse!

Yes, Brien Taylor is coming.

Is John McCain the Javier Vazquez of the GOP?

Both had to go to Arizona after blowing the big one.

Think of those angry Republican Party fans. They were World Champs for eight years, then they bring in McCain, who immediately surrenders the White House, plus a 20-seat grand slam in Congress, to somebody whose name rhymes with Osama. Well, don't expect the bleacher creatures to welcome you home.

Not only that, but he lost 10 mph on his fastball, and he's been getting hit hard for the last eight months. He can't get lefties out. Does he have a chance?

SOS to Yankeeverse: Help us solve "The mystery of Trembley"

This one has me tea-bagged. What is John singing?

South Park Redux? New Haven Register Surrenders Free Speech in Spineless Cave-In to Redsock Radicals

How dare they offend the Redsock Nation.

Whatever happened to freedom of the press?

Wake up, Yankiverse! Next they'll be claiming Andy doesn't belong in the Hall.

(If they do that... war.)

Did Yankee She-Devil threaten to kill the President?

Jean "Lee Harvey" Afterman, Yankee enforcer, gave Barack Obama the kiss of death Monday.

The New York Post says...

Monday, as Obama, a White Sox fan, was getting ready to handle the trophy, Yankee Afterman blurted out, "Do you want to hold it? You might not get another chance."

Obama, who mentioned the White Sox earlier in the ceremony, fired back, "And you wonder why other teams don't root for you."

Who wants to bet FBI SWAT teams aren't banging on her bulletproof-steel door right now? Clearly,  Afterman was warning Obama that he will die in office. What else could she have meant?

Because... of course, he will get another chance to touch a Yankee championship trophy -- next April -- unless, that is, Squeaky Afterman has something in mind.

In fact, Obama will get at least two more Yankee trophy opportunities before his term ends --
unless, that is, the Yankee queen of death has something brewing in her poisonous web of madness.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

"Kodak Inside Baseball" Shot of the Game: Nick Swisher's triple

It is time to take nominations for April YANKEE OF THE MONTH

Phil Hughes, How to Train Your Dragon.
CC Sabathia, Kick-Ass.
Javier Vazquez, Death at a Funeral.
Nick Johnson, Iron Man II.
Kei Igawa, Precious, Based on the Novel by Saphire

Who are we missing?: The Men Who Stare at Goats

OK I'm Talking Too Much, But There Are Some Bad Signs

While Boone Logan was donating his little gift to the Orioles, and we lost what seems to be our 4th game out of the last 7 by a 5-4 score, the Red Socks Slime edged Toronto 2-1.

And yesterday the Mets won both ends of a double header and moved into first place in NY.

The Giants had a dismal draft and the Yankees are playing like it's the 1970's.

Yankees provide comfort to recovering Orioles

The World Champion Yankees last night toured Camden Yards, visiting struggling members of the Baltimore Orioles, thanking them for their service and urging them never to give up hope for recovery.

"I don't know when I ever felt better about being a Yankee," relief pitcher David Robertson said later, after sharing meatballs to several Orioles who had been down on their luck and who hadn't eaten in weeks. "To see the thankful looks in their eyes when I tossed them those lollypops, well, I'll keep that memory for the rest of my life."

Onion weighs in on Javier Vazquez controversy

Somebody on that staff is a diehard.

I Told You Earlier: Boone Logan Will Be Awful

In my pre-season wrap-up and predictions, for those of you who read and are willing to give proper attribution to wisdom and insight, I offered the following, " Boone Logan will be awful."

The Yankees were briefly spared this indignity because Boone didn't make the team coming to NYC. Instead, we lived through the initial humiliation of HO Ho Park, who made the team ahead of Boone.

Ho Ho, of course, came back to pitch well once, before sustaining his Jose Reyes injury which will require endless rehabilitation and treatment, followed by set-back after set-back in the Florida sunshine.

Cashman Grilled by Congress Over Javier Vazquez Deal

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Portraits on the White House Wall

Boycott Billy Crystal's Ballclub

Organizers have launched a boycott of Billy Crystal's ballclub, David Zirin reports:
This will be the last column I write about the Arizona Diamondbacks in the foreseeable future. For me, they do not exist. They will continue to not exist in my mind as long as the horribly named “Support Our Law Enforcement and Safe Neighborhoods Act” remains law in Arizona. This law has brought echoes of apartheid to the state.

Did George Steinbrenner Have Sexual Intercourse With One Of The Celebrities Pictured Below?

That's what they're saying.

No We Don't !!!!

There is no need to be nice to Javy, despite the recent rants of Ketchup Schilling.

The fact is; Schilling is finally on our side. Seeing what we see. Knowing what we know. Seeing the truth through Yankee eyes. To wit:

That Javy cannot successfully pitch in the AL. That he needed the " free" out every time through a national league line-up to have any chance at winning.

That he is weak, useless and horrid. That he won't go beyond 6 innings all year. That he won't win another game until July. And if he wins any game, it will only happen if we score at least 10 runs in the first five innings. Even then, Aceves will have to bail him out.

We should cut this cord right now.

Trade him for anyone, or anything.

Javy Vasquez is a winning streak killer. And a big game disaster. He is an Ed Whitson without the burning driveway.

God Damn It, We Have To Be Nice To Javy Vasquez Now

Because Ketchup Curt Schilling's all up on him.

After one month, Cashman's off-season moves are a disaster

The Hitters We Let Go:
Matsui/Damon/Jackson/Cabrera = .278 average/5 HR/27 RBI

The Hitters We Obtained:
Johnson/Granderson/Wynn/Thames = .211 average/4 HR/13 RBI

The Pitchers We Let Go:
Kennedy/Coke = 31.2 innings, 3.09 ERA

The Pitchers We Obtained:
Logan/Park/Vazquez = 28 innings, 7.39 ERA

Wall Street Journal computation: 1 A-Rod HR trot = 4 Sterling WinWarbles

Science has already shown the time it takes a home run to leave the playing field conforms precisely to the duration of the male orgasm. This, of course, was Abner Doubleday's greatest feat of engineering, and he sought competiton to another national pastime.

Thus, we must view A-Rod's victory trot as the pillow talk that follows the blast. He's lighting a cigarette for us, rubbing our back, assuring us that he is still here.

As opposed to Curtis Granderson, who is in such a hurry to help some troubled teenager that he has already put on his pants and is halfway out the door before we've even rolled over.

Here is the chart, compiled by the Wall Street Journal. Viewing the work on display, it's hard to imaging how Goldman Sachs got away with it for so long.

That is the equivalent of 4 solid WinWarbles.

Lady Gaga and Mr. Thuuuuuh in "Bat Romance"

Monday, April 26, 2010

Has The Lower Left Corner Of Any Picture Ever Been More Satisfying?

While star-struck Yankees watch, John maintains White House vigil

Making sure nothing happens to Jay-Z.

Obama shakes The Master's Hand

Streaming Video live at the WH

Leave Javy in Parking Lot With Brutal Penguin During Team Visit to Pennsylvania Avenue

We all know that he wasn't with the team last year. The team that won a World Championship.

We all know we won't win another one as long as he is on our pitching staff.

He needs discipline. He needs to be reminded what happens to failures. He needs his knuckles rapped again and again.

If the sister of pain can't correct his attitude, we'll give him to a priest to play the game of, " altar boy roulette."

Or, we can trade him to the South Mexico Dirt Field league, where he can play first base.

It's Javy's choice.

What Obama can learn from the Yankees today

The World Champion Yankees, despite their fears, should be considered a source of wisdom:

1. On key legislation, the President must take many pitches, tiring out the GOP starters to get to the bullpen.

2. Nobody cannot predict politics. No matter what the pundits say, nobody can predict politics.

3. Ninety percent of the game is pitching, pitching, pitching...

4. The lineup needs bat from both the left and right sides.

5. Never trust the Redsocks.

Time for a Vazectomy?

Yep, it's April.

Yep, it's just four starts.

Yep, we're barely a game out.

Yep, we know an albatross when he lands on our shoulder.

Javier Vazquez should not have returned to the scene of his crime.

Listen: I mourn for the guy. He never wanted to become a Yankee pariah. Like every young boy growing up in wherever the hell he grew up, Javy wanted to be a Yankee star. And (See above): It's April. By June, he might come around. We must root for this bum.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Have I Mentioned What a Wimp/Loser Javy Vasquez Is?

We have to find another starter. Javy Dick-Head is just plain lousy in the American League.

His fast ball, in which he has no confidence, maxes out at about 87mph. He can't get breaking balls over and, when he does, they " hang." Bobby Abreu has 10 dingers off this dude already.

Javy Dick-head has no confidence or presence on the mound, he aims the ball and he shouldn't be allowed to wear our uniform.

He guarantees that we will lose every 4th game and look bad doing so. I say dump this pig.

Rubble Rubble Toil and Trouble

Via Sliding into Home.

We're supposed to celebrate this, as some sign of progress?

Future generations will wonder what we were thinking.

I already wonder what we are thinking.

Mindy McCready is waiting to lower the boom on the Rocket

Roger Clemens lived a charmed 40 years, then probably figured a defrocked former trainer would be the lone hotstop for personal grudge-revenge. 
Now, the Rocket is learning about the real world...
A steamy sex tape featuring singer songwriter Mindy McCready has been placed on temporary hold while adult studio Vivid Entertainment takes legal steps to prove it has the right to distribute it.

Vivid founder/co-chairman Steven Hirsch said he remains confident the studio has all appropriate legal clearances to distribute the video, "Mindy McCready, Baseball Mistress," in which she talks candidly about the sexual performances of Yankees and Red Sox pitching great Roger Clemens and other celebrities she's been involved with over the years. The video had been scheduled to go on sale April 19th.

I once believed Clemens to be a shoe-in for the Hall, despite the steroid allegations. Now, I'm not so sure.

Brett Gardner's Speed Plus Nick Johnson's Bat = Another Loss

I don't know if the Yankees lost again, yesterday. I have to assume they did. Only because it is raining, I'm hung over, and the Jets and Mets are soaring in everything they touch...not to mention the disease known as the Red Sox.

Brett is leading the league in base steals and throws over to first to keep him close. Also, in infield singles, right?

Nick Johnson is dinged up again from watching so many pitches. Worse, his back gets hurt when he reaches first, has to keep one foot on the bag and gets off balance doing so.

It is sure beginning to look like Nick Johnson will never hit. So I started trying to figure out if it really matters. Would you, for example, draft a player if he could play decent defense, guaranteed a .400+ on base percentage but would not have a batting average above .120?

Isn't getting on base what matters? Of course, Tex and others have to drive him in for all of this to mean anything.

Oh well, we had several superstars ( one, anyway ) who didn't hit at all last April and are doing so again. Only this year, there is no A-Rod whose return we are awaiting.

I think the Giant's draft picks over the last three days will prove among the worst in the NFL.

Hey Alphonso, look who is leading the American League in stolen bases

It aint Jacoby. It aint Carl. It aint even Chone.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

FREEFALL: 10 Haunting Questions

1. Two losses in a row; should A-Rod have stepped on home plate in Oakland?

2. Have Hideki and Abreu forged their scorn into hatred?
3. Joba, O, Joba, doth thy bridge forever creak?

4. Why did they sign Kendry Morales, while we signed Juan Miranda?

5. Did A-Rod curse us by stepping on the rubber in Oakland?

6. "Chants of "Let's go Yankees" were met by boos." In the words of Rodney King, why can't people just get along?

7. Will we ever see a 150-win season?

8. Should A-Rod try to undo his plate-step curse in Oakland?

9. Last year, after celebrity deaths, the Yankees went on winning streaks. Do we need to have beloved celebrities die again?

10. Will we ever win another game?

Friday, April 23, 2010

John Sterling's Ancient Cultural Reference Of The Game, Sponsored By The Past

SUZYN: If you have to go to your bullpen in third inning of the first game of the series, it's going to be a long weekend.

JOHN: And if you're Ray Milland, it's going to be a Lost Weekend.

Scranton Yankees Brutally Beat Beloved Syracuse Mascot with Baseball Bat

For two years, the beloved mascot known as "Pops" has roamed the stands of Syracuse's Your-Name-Here Stadium, bringing smiles to children of all ages.

Last night, mean Jon Weber nearly put an end to it. 

To anyone content with a mere 11-4 record, root for another team, this is not your website, be gone, and I'll give four reasons why...

Reason No. 1:  Loss No. one.

Reason No. 2: Loss No. two.

Reason No. 3: Loss No. three.

Reason No. 4: Yesterday.

Four horrible defeats.

Yes, we're in first. Yes, we have a decent record..

But we lost yesterday. Understand? We lost. We haven't won a game in a long time.

Twenty four hours.

Maybe it's just me. I never feel secure until we're 30 games over .500.

Other Unwritten Rules of Baseball A-Rod Has Broken

1. While crossing infield after foul ball, touches opposing pitcher's rubber.

2. While crossing infield after foul ball, touches opposing pitcher.

3. After touching opposing pitcher, never calls.

4. Reveals deep personal secrets during infield chatter.

5. Refuses to buy Girl Scout cookies from teammates' daughters.

6. After hitting single, tries to give backrub to opposing firstbaseman.

7. Instead of rally cap... rally cup.

8. Tapes mirrors to shoes for glimpse up umpire pantlegs.

9. Borrows teammates' bats and leaves them smelling of aftershave.

10. Rejects opposing players' friendship requests on Facebook.

Thursday, April 22, 2010

An open letter to Dallas Braden of the A's regarding interpretation of the unwritten rules of baseball and the alleged misconduct of Alex Rodriguez

Dear Mr. Braden,

Shut the fuck up.



Celebrity shamelessly campaigns for the coveted IIH "Employee of the Month" award

We Can't Win With "B" Club Line-up

I knew this game was over in the first inning.

The Yankees could not hit the Oakland 26 year-old. It was like facing Jimmy Key or Frank Lary.

Junk and more junk. With first pitch strikes to every batter.

CC lost the game early because he really didn't feel like playing today.

And with people like Jorge and Grandy out of the line-up, and Nick Johnson only focusing on walks, we had no offense.

Let's talk about Nick. He is hitting about .100 but has a fine OBP. But it isn't enough for him not to be any sort of threat at the plate other than a pop-up , a double play ball, or a walk.

The guy looks as though he simply can't hit anymore. Is he so old now, that he won't come around until September?

Come on , Nick, get in the FGD game!

Also, Swish is hitting like a major league version of Shelly Duncan. This Oakland team is going nowhere. And we had no heart today. It was a loss we should not have taken so easily. No one cared, and it showed.

It was all about getting on the plane for the next venue.

Don't forget what happened to Toronto last year when they won the first 8 series of the season.

We can't afford to have CC take a " walk-about" when he is feeling chubby and slow.

Boston has awakened.

Dramatic Redsock victory saves season

Do you believe in miracles? YESSS!

In a storybook ending that will be told and retold, retold and then retold some more, and then retold and retold even more, until the end of time, and even then some, the Cinderella Boston Redsocks -- left for dead on the side of the highway -- somehow pulled from their magic bag of tricks another victory last night, saving a season on the brink of disaster, which will be remembered and re-remembered until the end of time, and that will only be the beginning!

To lose yet another game to the mighty Bush Rangers of Texas would have plunged the Hub heroic darling band of brothers a walloping six games behind the big money mercinaryYankees with only 148 to play, a margin they could never be make up, no matter how much God tried to help. The team did it without Big Papi. They did it without Kirk Cameron. They did it without Coby "Mr. Steal of Home" Ellsberry.

Yet they did it. Dammot. Youk 'n Co. somehow did it!



He heard a small voice, like the squeak of a squawk.
“It’s Santana!” it said. “He has gone on the block!”
Then he heard it again, just a tiny sad groan,
Like some gas from the cheeks of Sir Sidney Ponson,
He untwittered his twitters and picked up the phone.

Traveling Wilkes Barres dominate hometown Cusacks

Attended Syracuse/Scranton game last night with SuperFrankenstein. Sat near Yankee bullpen and repeatedly stressed the need to avoid leadoff walks.

It was men against toddlers. Coal miners against the makers of air conditioners.

'Ton 8, 'Cuse 2


1. Shortstop Eduardo Nunez is really, really fast. He beat out an infield grounder to the shortstop that wasn't much more than an infield grounder to the shortstop. (He also dropped a routine pop fly.)

2. Kei Igawa pitched 3-plus innings. Trouble in every frame. Mammoth home run to left.

3. Jesus had a night off. He spent it waving to young girls in the crowd. (Careful, Jeez, they're 16.)

4. Not the same Scranton team without Shelley D.

5. Whatever Jon Weber had in spring training seems to be gone.

6. Juan Miranda homered. Considering that if Tex gets hurt, we have Nick Johnson, Nick Swisher and Jorge Posada to play first base, shouldn't we think of moving this guy, rather than have him play another year at Scranton?

7. Stool sample analysis should be completed Thursday. Know more then.

Poor Phil Hughes

Lost another no-hitter late in the game.

At least this time he didn't hurt himself...

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Sunday, who hacked into John and Suzyn's post-game report?

Listen carefully...

Beware the Ides of April

While we are all cheering the flopping around of certain Red Sox players in the early days of this season, they won a game yesterday they should have lost.

We must keep vigilant.

From my end, I'll be in Boston next week shilling cheap farmland in Iceland for prospective Red Sox fan retirees.

What are you doing?

Ten Reasons for Yankees to Dread Visting Obama Monday

1. Biden will insist on talking Scranton.

2. A-Rod to be strip-searched for "A-bomb."

3. Fear of being yelled at by Rahm Emanuel.

4. Embarrassment of First Lady asking, "Which one is Johnny Damon?"

5. Condemnation of Sabathia as being "too big to fail."

6. Feds question meaning of "Georgie juiced one."

7. Anton Scalia to show latest dogfight videos.

8. Four-hour lecture on infield fly rule reform.

9. Team falls under Obama socialist spell, plays .500 ball.

10. Republicans mistakenly called "the Party of Mo."

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Just Finished Filming

I think we all owe a debt of ingratitude to El Duque for using me in his recent, award winning "Yankeeography." It is the first time I have come close to wearing a tie since November, 2009.

My sources confirm that Cashman's family advisors are contemplating a lawsuit but won't file, because it would drag me back into court as well.

Those who know my history, also know that it was my testimony which caused a certain counter-suit to lose on 226 out of 227 points of law.

In any case, I was happy to join in this historic work by the great one. I am currently at work trying to convince the Cooperstown mavens that IIHIIF "Yankeeographies " have "Hall-of-Fame" credentials.

Meantime, I've returned from my annual wanderings in the Sonoran desert, and have this to offer;

1. The Yankees are off to a decent start despite my complaints.

2. If everyone keeps playing at the same pace, we've got the wild card nailed.

3. Javier Vasquez will soon be replaced by Kei Igawa. There is something about that Yankee uniform that turns him into jelly. He said yesterday that he is building arm strength. I think I know from what.

4. Boston sucks. Not just as a team, but as a nation. Boston fans remind me of weevils playing joyfully in a manure pile.

As an aside, I'm in training for a national drink-off in London, scheduled for this Sunday. But my flight is likely to be cancelled due to those Icelanders who forgot to tame that volcano. I'm told that in the 1800's, that very volcano erupted for two years.

So I'll drink in New York.

Brian Cashman: The IT IS HIGH Yankeeography

Other Yankeeographies:

Mel Hall, the Rebel Yankee.

Carl Pavano, the Bronx Buttocks

Kyle Farnsworth, the Masher from Milton

Richie Sexon, the Yankee Mayfly

Eddie Lee Whitson, the Yankee Pariah

Peter Abraham, LoHud of the Rings

Monday, April 19, 2010

Jeez hits one

Jesus Montero hit his first home run of the season today. 
Jeez is coming.

Yankeetorial: Yesterday, anyone who watched the final inning of Boston's 7-1 loss had to be impressed by the unbridled jubilation of the Fenway crowd...

... Because it was beautiful. They were the Whos, rejoicing in the Whoville Town Square, despite the theft of Christmas. Rather than boo their team, which had lost three to Tampa, they cheered the lone run crossing the plate. They sang. They hugged. They danced in the bleachers. They were home again.

For 80 years, they had come to love the oppression of each certain loss. It became their identity, their security blanket, the psychic thread connecting them to their grandparents. They were "long-suffering Redsock fans," the tribe of Bill Buckner and Jim Lonborg. They could yell anything. They could go anywhere. Nobody ever accused them of juicing, over-spending, or mirroing the Yankees. Most importantly, they were free to hate Yankee fans... without hating themselves.

Thanks to the Curse of the Bambino, they had nothing to lose.

Then came 2004, Ever since, Boston has demanded victory and hated whatever replaced it. They made Manny crazy, then ran him out of town. They turned on Jason Bay. They turned on Dice K and Papelbon. Now comes the tar and feathering of Big Papi. Then J.D. Drew and Youk.

Yes, in their current mindset, it's inevitable that they even sour on Youk.

But Sunday, around 5 p.m., Boston glimpsed the memory of freedom.

Down 7-0, the fans suddenly had shed their shackles of victory. Mike Cameron doubled, moved to third and scored a meaningless run, making the game 7-1. The crowd was in ecstacy.

Never has a fan base been more tired of winning.

Never has a people more needed an open month of October.

This is a city bone tired of competing with the Yankees.

This is a city ready to finish fourth.

We must help our neighbors. When Rudy Giuliani in 2007 described his loyalty to the American League East, this is what he meant. It is time to free the people of Boston from the shackles of Yankee envy.

Yes, Boston... you can go home again. Let us help.

Crossfire Debate: Is it time to trade Teixiera?

REASONS TO TRADE: He's not hitting. Juan Miranda looking good in Columbus. Give Nick Johnson more time in field. Free up Jorge to be DH. Lessen team dependence on switch-hitters. Give Cano third spot in order. Get somebody good in return. Defense has diminished to only one game-saving play per game. Would cut down on booing in Boston, Baltimore. Milwaukee owner will climb down and out of our butts.

REASONS NOT TO TRADE: Seems like nice guy. Hustles out grounders. Has wife and kids. If starts hitting in May... we would get more!

Next: Should we nuke volcano in Iceland?

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Big Papi keeps his hitting streak going! (But has another streak broken

Watch out, Joe DiMaggio! David Ortiz is HOT ON YOUR TRAIL!
Consecutive games with one hit:

(And during this hitting streak, he's hitting a robust .235!)

However, another one of Big Papi's streaks came to an end yesterday ... His streak of consecutive games with at least two strikeouts ended at : 6!
Don't worry, Papi! You'll get the strikeout streak started again!

Joe Flanino is in the booth!

John's Saturday WinWarble over Texas: 5.61 seconds

John has a solution for rain

Pennant Racism: Why Nobody Believes the Media Anymore

A hoity-toity book reviewer comes clean about his hatred for the Yankees... and America.

Not long ago I began reading David Benioff’s “City of Thieves.” The novel had come highly recommended to me by several friends, and as I had already seen Spike Lee’s excellent film “25th Hour,” which is based on Benioff’s first novel, I was really looking forward to reading the book.

But almost immediately the whole exercise was ruined. The narrator, the young boy’s grandson, reveals on Page 2 that after the war, his grandfather came to America and became a “devout” New York Yankees fan. I found this revelation crushing. The idea that someone who had escaped the siege of Leningrad would then voluntarily join the evil empire in the Bronx struck me as repellent. So I set the book aside and donated it to my library. Maybe some Yankees fan would enjoy it. I sure as hell wouldn’t.

Yes, they hate us.

They think it's easy being Yankee fans.

They. Just. Don't. Know.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Yankees sign free agent Donna Karan

Yankee fans still simmering over the failure to resign Johnny Damon can rest easier today.

DKNY has become the first permanent fashion sponsor to enterYankee Stadium.  It's the "Jackie Robinson of clothing lines" for the new park (a/k/a "the house that vermouth built.")

From now on, Yankee fans, if you're like me, you'll bring an extra $300 to every game. Between innings, you'll want to accessorize!

According To Twitter Science, Nick Swisher's Fans Are Dumber Than Sarah Palin's

Stupid Fight: Sarah Palin vs. Nick Swisher

Stupid Fight: Sarah Palin Vs. Kim Jones

Stupid Fight: Nick Swisher vs. Kim Kardashian

From the site:
What's this all about?
FACT: A lot of people on Twitter are stupid. Many of these people follow celebrities and try to send them messages. But which celebrity's fans are most stupid? It's time to find out.
Who made it?
Hello. I'm Tom Scott. I live at, and you can email me or follow me on Twitter. The crowd photo is from Anirud Khoul and is CC-licensed.
What do you mean by 'stupid'?
Stupid Fight can't go out and administer an intelligence test to each person that's sending messages to a celebrity. So instead, it estimates based on several stupid indicators. Are they using twenty exclamation marks in a row? Do they endlessly use the abbreviation 'OMG'? Do they seem incapable of working out where their Shift key is? These indicators have a strong correlation with the message, and its sender, being stupid.
How valid are Stupid Fight's results?
Like the Body Mass Index, it's an excellent indicator but may not work for certain people. It is, for example, blind to irony. It may have issues with non-English languages. Its accuracy given one individual Twitter message, or one individual user, is quite low. On average, however, it's not a bad test at all.
Who do you count as a 'fan'?
The last 100 people to send an @reply to the target celebrity.


Dumb Red Sox fan.

Yankee fan scores greatest "save" of all -- a life.

The bases were loaded with two outs, and the count was full on Toby Weiss Wednesday, after she foul-tipped a swallow of fine-tasting, nutritional Yankee Stadium food.

She had stepped into the bucket, the game was on the line, and God was marching from the dugout, preparing to yank her from the game and then send Weiss permanently to Scranton-Wilkes Barre, saddled with the biggest loss of her career -- her life!

Then, out of the Yankee bleachers strode pinch-hitter John Stone, who took a few practice swings, stepped to the plate and smacked a hard line drive of windpipe-blocking expectorant, scoring the runners and saving the game!

Jeet/Minka cool? Arod/Cameron hot hot HOT

Hollywood abuzz! Jeet tells old coach Minka may be on ice. Arod seen with semen-haired lady.

With Chan Ho Park on disabled list, God fires three-inning save (Note: This is NOT a call for violence!)

New York _ With a short-handed bullpen Friday, the Yankees turned to God - a/k/a Yahweh, Allah, Sky Pilot, etc - and the Being didn't disappoint, twirling three shutout innings to preserve New York's victory over the forever-to-be-tainted-by-George-Bush Texas Rangers.

"When I heard of the injury to (Yankee reliever) Chan Ho (Park), I had two options," God told Suzyn Waldman, after He was named Road Runner Deity of the Game. "One, I could lay hands and do a 10-second miracle, which was My first impulse. But Joe (Girardi) came to Me and said, 'Top, didJa bring Yer mitt?" Next thing I know, I'm in the pen, throwing to Mike Hegan."

2010 Yankee Save Leaders

Rivera 4
God 1
(24 others tied at 0)

Friday, April 16, 2010

A Courageous Yankee Fan Speaks Out against YOU... Anonymous

Anonymous comments and the New York Yankees stand at polar-opposite positions in American life in the 21st century. When an athlete puts on the Yankee pinstripes there is an ethic, a history, a standard of excellence. When a commenter hides under alias there is a lowering of standards, a hiding under a false name that gives protection for the commenter to engage in slander, shallowness and cheap-shot name calling that the writer would never do in "real life,” using a real name.

His name: Brent Budowsky. He writes for The Hill in Washington.

Is he challenging Jay-Z for YANKEE FAN OF THE MONTH?

Tea Party Signs to Protest Baseball

My grandchildren can’t afford your shortstop.

First, clear the bases; then RELOAD them.

In Iraq, I was a hero. Now, I am a Marlin fan?

No federal funds for rally killers.

Throw out reprobate base runners NOW!

Welcome to the American League: Now hit in English.

Carl Crawford, give back the bases you stole!

Thank you, Fox News, for reporting box scores.

DH: Designated HITLER?

The Constitution doesn’t mention an Infield Fly Rule.


No, you can’t step on my home plate.

Your switch hitters are not my switch hitters!

Lame-stream Media: Stop calling the Mets contenders.

A-CORN = A-ROD: Where does the money go?

Where is Mariano’s birth certificate?

Liberal umps are destroying our strike zone.

Next time, we’ll bring arms.

I’m pro-Jeter, pro-Yankee, and I’m carrying a ticket. Want to start something?

It’s the pitching, stupid.

Seal the dugouts.

The Mets are what Abner Doubleday tried to prevent.

Canadian health care didn’t cure the Blue Jays.

Stop the Grounders

I’m only 8, and I’m already 6 games out?

Washington Nats-zis Belong in Last Place

Who’s behind the Teleprompter, Yogi Berra?

I Voted for Change, Not for Trading Roy Halladay

Don’t Bunt Away My Childrens’ Future

Don’t Buckner Me Bro

The baselines are base lies!

Hoo’s on First? No, Mao’s on First!

LA manager Mike Scioscia = Hollywood Socialism.

Drill, Pedro, Drill!

When did we stop manufacturing runs?

Third base was the hot corner before global warming.

9-11 is not an acceptable record.

Washington Nationals: Now want to nationalize health care?

Pelosi/Pujols = Limit their power.

Build the fences taller!

The National Anthem is my chin music.

If you think health care is expensive now, wait until Carl Pavano retires.

America, you are throwing to the wrong bag.

Three up, three down, is not a balanced budget.

Outfielders, that crunching sound is the warning track.

Kiss me goodbye!

We cannot hit our way out of debt.

If you’re not outraged, you’re not keeping score!

Next time, read the lineup sheet before you sign it

What part about BOO don’t you understand?

When the New York Post is your spell-checker, something is rong

Something is wrong.

Last night, Alex Rodriguez's name was spelled wrong when he came to bat in the first inning. The giant videoboard in center read "Alex Rodgriguez."

Sterling Index slightly below last year's average (but it's early)

John's Opening Day WinWarble was exactly 6.66 seconds,
"I worship theeeeeeee, Satan?"

Did Kate lose A-Rod because of her weak strike zone?


Amid last fall's impending breakup with Yankee slugger Alex Rodriguez, Oscar-winning actress Kate Hudson supplemented her bosom with two surgical A-bombs... for A-Rod.

The cavalry arrived too late to save the relationship, but Hollywood's new "Miracle on the Hudson" could mean at least one popular Yankee dignitary will step forward to replace the famed number 13...

"The Last Time I Saw Maris"

A salute to Yankee great Roger Maris, posted yesterday on Bardball:

The Last Time I Saw Maris

by Joe Pacheco

The last time I saw Maris
His hair was thin and gray,
He'd only hit just one home run
Since last Memorial Day.

The last time I saw Maris
His record still at risk,
In Babe Ruth’s town they’d brought him down
With bogus asterisk.

He smiled through all the muted cheers
That he had heard for years,
The chorus of ingratitude
Still ringing in his ears.

The last time I saw Maris
Was on Old-Timers Day,
Before the steroid sluggers
Came to batter his fame away.

John's Opening Series WinWarbles -- with final Cano plays -- MERGED

Jay-Z, the greatest Yankee fan alive, is suing Big Papi

Ladies and gentlemen, this is what a true Yankee fan does.

Music mogul Jay-Z has accused Red Sox slugger David Ortiz of foul play, suing the athlete for allegedly stealing his "40/40" club name.

The Brooklyn-born rapper and Yankee fan, 40, whose real name is Sean Carter, sued Ortiz on Thursday for naming a Dominican Republic nightclub Forty Forty, which Jay-Z and his business partner say is too close to their chain of 40/40 Club sports lounges, according to published reports.

My only regret is that we have no 40/40 Club sports lounge program, so we cannot sue that plagiristic, copycatting whiff-machine too. We would take the bum for everything he's worth.

In fact, I wish we had a Bloody Sock lounge, so we could take Mr. Curt "Nobody has ever called me a Yankee fan" Schilling to court, and finish the job.




Thursday, April 15, 2010

Worst. Song. Ever.

A message from John Sterling to a few certain people

Papi benching threatens shot at elusive 300-strikeout season

Between Papi and Mike Lowell, the Redsocks have $25 million catching splinters.
But, as our friends in Moanwaukee say, it's the Yankees who buy pennants.

"Javy," a poem

Surrendering doubles,
Hurling 'neath a frown,
Dwelling o'er his troubles,
         Javy's feeling down.

Cries from the bleachers,
"Take him out! The clown!"
Mad, hurful creatures...
         Javy's feeling down.

Balls soaring higher, 
Far across the town,
Javy's serving sliders,
         Never coming down. 

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Put him out of his misery

Javy Vazquez is not a bad pitcher; quite frankly I think he's middle of the road. And today he pitched pretty much like a middle of the road pitcher would.

And he got booed for it.

Now everybody from River Ave Blues (a quality Yankees site) to the NY Post's Mike Vaccaro (A Met fan, so he doesn't count) is blasting everybody in attendance at today's game for booing Vazquez after a so-so performance. They'll throw out their obscure stats, point out how while we started on our high school ballclub,they were racking up championships on the math team, and at the end of the day call us fair-weather fans unfit to root for the Yankees.

But Yankees fans value one thing more than anything else: a winning tradition. Just look at the rings that were handed out on Tuesday. If anything Javy Vazquez has tarnished our winning tradition. But Javy doesn't get that,

It's a little disappointing. It's the first game back. I don't think they're forgetting from '04 a little bit. But hopefully I'll get some Ws in this stadium, like I said before, and they forget that. I feel like it's unfair because that was so long ago. But I'm trying, like I said plenty of times, I'm trying to concentrate on this year.
-Javy Vazquez
But you see, Javy Vazquez picked a pivotal game 7 with a World Series berth and an 86 year stranglehold on our arch rivals on the line. Yankee fans consider the 2004 ALCS to be our very own Watergate, and Javy played the role of Haldeman.

No Yankee fan who has to pay $9 for a 12 ounce bottle of beer in Yankee Stadium is gonna be forgiving on a multimillionaire like Javy who can't produce. And just like the Sox and Phillies worried about the receptions Schiraldi and Mitch Williams would've gotten after their respective meltdowns, we have to realize we have an unforgiving fanbase in the mold of Boston and Philly and realize that Javy can't handle the booing. And all 3 of those guys could cure cancer, but they'd still have C-cell batteries thrown at them in their respective former home ballparks. And if you watched him today, he got worse as the catcalls got louder. He doesn't have the gravel in his gut and the spit in his eye to block out the fans and put it behind him. For his own good, he's gotta go back to some small market that doesn't care what he did in 2004. Cause as long as he's a Yankee, nobody, no matter how hard anybody tries, will quiet the boos.

Jesus, is he having a hot night!

Nick Johnson stokes controversy with questionable at-bat song

Nick Johnson, who seemed like a nice man, has revealed a side that we hoped to avoid.

His sashaying up-to-bat song bite: Party in the USA.

Judge the lyrics for yourself and ask: IS THIS A YANKEE?:

I hopped off the plane at LAX
with a dream and my cardigan
welcome to the land of fame excess, (woah)
am I gonna fit in?

(Question: What the hell is Nick Johnson doing in a cardigan?)

Jumped in the cab,
Here I am for the first time
Look to the right and I see the Hollywood sign
This is all so crazy

(How crazy is Nick Johnson?)

Everybody seems so famous
My tummys turnin and I'm feelin kinda home sick
Too much pressure and I'm nervous,
That's when the taxi man turned on the radio

(Anyone who has seen Nick Johnson's tummy does not want to imagine it turning.)

Amen, Sarah Silverman. Amen.

Sarah Silverman's Twitter feed

All-Time Wins Leader at Scranton Adds to Total