Monday, February 28, 2011

Girardi's Frozen Yogurt

Yes, it's Girardi's Frozen Yogurt

News from Yankee Country: The Backrub Bedhopper speaks

Utica woman wakes up to find stranger in bed, rubbing her back.

Who is this man and why did he turn up there?

Scientific Pie Chart Showing Comparison of Top Yankee Deities this Spring

This Just In: Beckett's IQ Soars

This due to a concussion he recently suffered. A rise from a previous level

Major events over the next 10 Months for MLB Executive Vice President Joe Torre

July 10, 2011: To investigate huge Indians-Royals brawl, Torre appoints newly hired MLB assistant Scott Proctor.

July 12, 2011: After 40 straight hours of hearings, Proctor finishes investigation.

July 20, 2011: To investigate burgeoning steroids scandal, Torre brings in MLB assistant Scott Proctor.

July 28, 2011: Marathon investigation concludes with death of Scott Proctor, believed self-inflicted. Torre hires new special assistant Tanyon Sturtze.

Aug. 4, 2011: After becoming catatonic during 123rd hour of interviews, Tanyon Sturtze undergoes "Tommy John surgery for the brain."

Aug. 5, 2011: Torre announces hiring of MLB special investigator Paul Quantrill.

Sept. 1, 2011: New York Times publishes expose of racism in baseball. Torre announces hiring of new MLB press secretary Gary Sheffield.

Oct. 28, 2011: ALCS ends with Yanks losing to Indians, amid hugel bug infestiation. During game, Torre demands both teams leave playing field. He is overruled by Bud Selig, and two weeks later -- following funeral services for Paul Quantrill -- announces his retirement.

Did Jimmy Kimmel Steal Derek's Black Book For This Bit?

South Of The Border, The Mexican Way

What took so long to give this guy Vazquez a chance, even last year? Instead they've been cockin around with the likes of Andruw Jones & Co.
South of the border - down Mexico way
That's where I found yank love and brought back stars above - who'll come out to play
And now as I wander - my minor league system ever astray
I should just scout south of the border - down Mexico way

Joe Girardi makes incredible verbal commitment regarding future of Jorge Vazquez

"I have seen the future of rock'n'roll and his name is Bruce Springsteen."
Jon Landau, 1971.

"If he (Jorge Vazquez) hits a homer every day, I'm sure he'll get the Grapefruit MVP."

Joe Girardi, 2011
Such high praise must put pressure onVazquez, the 28-year-old Mexican League slugger who has pounded epic home runs in each of the first two spring games.

MVP of the Grapefruit League.

Hard to imagine a rawboned rook reaching such legendary status.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

The Mick Welcomes Duke To The Big Ballpark In The Sky

Day 12: Alph Puts The Move On Kimberly Jones

Nova Throws Perfect Game

Take THAT, Cliff Lee.

Six up, six down.
Rollins grounds out.
Victorino grounds out.
Ibanez grounds out.

Howard strikes out.
Polanco grounds out.
Brown strikes out.

Yankee employee of the month consideration?

Letter to the Editor: Found... a cool guy in Texas

Corpus Christi Caller-Times

February 23, 2011 Wednesday

Dear Editors,
The ice is gone! The fields are cleared and people of all ages are back on the diamond throwing, catching, batting and talking baseball. It is exciting to watch young children take the practice fields for the first time with their parents cheering them on. It becomes a great opportunity for physical exercise, build character and self-esteem, learn to be a team member and also learn to win and lose in life. Then there are the fields with other young people playing softball and baseball for their schools or local team. The high schools, colleges and professional teams play and also provide excellent family entertainment. I love it! And when the October frost comes back we will have enjoyed another season of baseball ... and the Yankees will have won their 28th World Series.

Brad Sawyer

Sherlock & Co. Scour Houston's Fifth Ward

More on the deep doo-doo like exploits of Theo's private anal army

It is time to take nominations for February Yankee Employee of the Month

Some possibilities

Hank Steinbrenner, the king's speech
Jorge Vazquez, uknown
Sergio Mitre, I am number four
Yogi Berra, yogi bear 3D
Larry Rothschild, the mechanic
Bartolo Colon, 127 hours
Freddie Garcia, no strings attached
Derek Jeter, sanctum


Redsocks probed Carl Crawford

Some call it a "background check." Some call it a "backdoor investigation." Saturday, the Beantown Brownshirts were tap-dancing like Fred Wilpon at a $100 talent show over a report that they paid secret agents to hydrofrack Carl Crawford, scouring every pimple of the former Devil Ray for a tattoo or skin piercing, a vein of Charlie Sheen, before the Boston owners' insectlike pincers would sign the check that transformed Crawford into Redsock sainthood.

We know it's true, because they deny it:

“We did not hire a private investigator,’’ said (Theo Epstein) the Sox general manager yesterday. “We did not follow Carl away from the park. We would never go that far. We simply had our scouts do a thorough job on his background and makeup, the way we do for all players of interest."

Yeah. Right. Welcome to The Gawk Machine, Mr. C, and while you stand naked in the carwash, please bend over. You'll hear strange sounds. Don't worry. It's just Fimble Fingers Epstein and half the Boston Herald city desk donning rubber gloves. By the way, do you have any overdue library videos directed by Russ Meyers? Any late night trips to a Tampa emergency room, accompanied by John Travolta? 

Compare to Boston, we're like the debtors colony of 18th century Georgia. When we signed Bartolo Colon and Freddie Garcia, the required physicals must have resembled a New York State Motor Vehicles car inspection. "Can you hop 30 times on one foot, Freddie? No? No problem." "Nah, Bartolo, leave your pants on. We've seen enough!"

As we speak, Redsock operatives are probaby tailing Alphonso, as he plans his March trip. Let's hope they get too close. His Russ Meyers collection could scorch some tender eyelids.

Letter to the Editor: Pettitte will return

Buffalo News

February 20, 2011 Sunday

Dear Editor

As a Yankee fan, athlete and student of sports psychology, I predict -- and hope -- pitcher Andy Pettitte will be back in pinstripes before preseason opening day. I say this knowing absence does make the heart grow fonder, and believing Andy, thus soon to be climbing the walls, watching the Yankees head for spring training, who knew his family's wishes when he announced his retirement, will realize the phenomenal opportunity as yet open to him.

When again will he be able to bask, full-time, in the limelight, playing the game he loves so much, the game for which he has demonstrated such talent, while getting paid handsomely?

Once Pettitte, realizing he still has what it takes, begins thinking positive, ridding his brain of all the trashy self-talk, 2011 can be the best season of his career.

Susan Kross

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Grand Yankee dame tells Missouri columnist to shove it

Mike Pound of the Joplin Globe has declared himself a Yankee-hater. Hopefully, he would recuse himself from ever writing about or covering a game that involves the Yankees, but don't hold your breath.

Nevertheless, he recently received an education from Betty Fitzwater. (pictured, right)

Betty was mildly upset because I said something negative about the New York Yankees. I'm not sure what it was I said about the Yankees because I say a lot of negative things about the Yankees. But whatever I said, Betty took issue with, and she shared her feelings with me.

"I am 85 years old," Betty said. "I have been a Yankee fan longer than you have been alive. The Yankees are the elite of baseball, whether they win or lose, they are Yankees."

Betty also pointed out -- correctly, I might add -- that there hasn't been a Little League, high school or college baseball player who didn't dream of "wearing pin-stripes and playing in Yankee Stadium."

Betty pointed out that it's not really the team's job to set limits on how much a team can pay its players. That job, she wrote, belongs to Major League Baseball.

Later, in her letter, Betty suggested that the real villains in baseball are the owners of teams like the Kansas City Royals.

"They don't want or intend to win very many games," Betty wrote. "Their so called 'deals' have the smell of an Alaskan salmon."

Don't you just love Betty?

Yes. We do. And she's almost 100 percent right. In fact, KC deals smell like a week-old Alaskan salmon. And she forgot to mention that the Royals are owned by David Glass, former CEO of Wal-Mart, which means the bum has all the money in the world. He just likes the smell of stale salmon.

I wish I could tell Betty that she is wrong. I wish I could tell Betty that she is way off the mark and misinformed, but I can't.

Hey, WTF? I might like this guy.

 What I can tell Betty is that I really don't dislike the Yankees. I dislike the idea of the Yankees. OK, I also dislike the Steinbrenners, but who doesn't?

Maybe no. At the least the Steinbrothers aren't trying to bust unions.

Betty, thanks for the great letter. Your letter will make me think twice before I make fun of the Yankees again. I'll probably still make fun of them, but at least I'll think twice before I do.

And Betty, I hope the Yankees have a good season. I just hope the Cardinals have a better season.

This lady should ride in Gator's car with Yogi.

Yogi has become the official mascot of the 2011 spring games

That's Nick Swisher with the Man on Twitter.

This is good. Last we looked, it was still legal to mug for a camera. And unless the Redsocks want to lug around an Igloo cooler containing Ted Williams head, we have the spring lead in mascot iconnery.

Suzyn's Gospel on Jesus: "He's as good a kid as you're ever gonna find"

I gotta believe that puts John & Luke in their places.

A Quote From Michael Kay From Game One Spring Training

John gives his first "you never know what's going to happen" of 2011

He said it in reference to Andruw Jones, who has lived an endless journey in coming to New York.

And John was right.

You never know.

Brackman Injured Playing With New Pitch

Andy Brackman's career is back on track.

He is hurt again.

All 6'10" of his 128 pound frame.

Yesterday, while trying out his new change-up, he slipped and bounced the pitch in front of Cervelli.

Cervelli was using his new glove, designed to handle knuckleballs as well as large orange globes most often used in other venues.

Andy grew up with the orange globe as his focus, and the Yankees are cautiously weaning him from it.

When he reports to Trenton, he will only be allowed to use the larger orange ball for 85 innings.

Any other innings pitched must use the more traditional white one, with red stitching.

Meanwhile, I expect Andrew to miss the rest of spring training nursing his hammy.

So far, he has spent two years (since being drafted number one by our amazing Yankee scouting staff ) in the hospital wing at Raritan new Jersey.

His major league prospects are at least as good as those of Kei Igawa, who is now vying with Eric Chavez as the Yanks' 2011 designated pinch runner.

It's Opening Day Again !

While little specific news has leaked out of Tampa Yankeeland, it is known by this reporter that:

1. Bartolo Colon ( 6'2 , 396 lbs ) will get the start at right guard.

He may also get some reps at center, but his short arms are considered a bit of a liability at that spot.

2. Andruw Jones ( 6'1, 230 ) will debut at fullback. While he no longer has edge speed, he has good hands and can pack a wallop with that solid frame.

3. Joba Chamberlain ( 6'2 255 ) has been working out at tight end and "H" back, though he doesn't block that well in space.

More details to follow.

Kick-off at 1pm.

Gaddafi To Sign On As Steven Tyler's Replacement On American Idol

Where he may make use of John's signature call

Yankeetorial: New reason for A-Rod-haters to hate A-Rod: He steals from honest taxpayers

That's the news on CBS-NYC: A-Rod stuffs his fat face with more than popcorn. He stuffs it with tax-breaks that should have gone to you: John Q. Met.

The property tax bill on A-Rod's super-luxury, the-rats-even-smell-nice, $6 million penthouse will be a meager, Syracuse-like $1,150. CBS claims that comes to 4-cents a day, though Fred Wilpon must be doing the math.

Yes, Alex is one of the 45,000 supremely rich, gold-pantalooned Manhattan dandies who pig out at the public trough more heavily than any welfare queen ever imagined. He's practically one of the Pruits of South Hampton. It's a scandal! It's an outrage! It's enough of a plot for a Ben Affleck movie -- a new reason for Yankee-haters to do what they love to do most: Hate Yankees, (while complaining about the teachers' union.)

Says the Woodward/Bernsteins of CBS:

A-Rod’s taxes are so low that if he paid the going rate his tax bill would be 50 times higher. He should get such a break when he faces the Red Sox pitching staff.

Great kicker line, eh? ... when he faces the Red Sox pitching staff.

Listen: We long ago became a culture that only debates issues when they touch a celebrity. The U.S. Supreme Court guarantees that we can say anything about Charlie Sheen, as long as we arrest Wikileaks. Someday, surely A-Rod will go to jail for his crimes against humanity. Let's hope he gets a break from the Attica prison staff.

For John & Suzyn, this could be the final spring fling

It's the contract year. The Reggie Year. It's the season for posting numbers -- or saying goodbye.

Unless you've spent all your time watching Fox News, you've heard the rumors: That the Steinbrothers intend to flip 2012-and-beyond radio rights to ESPN - The Voice of Fenway - resulting in a nightmare play-by-play scenario of Tim McCarver, Joe Buck and Curt Schilling.

Today begins The Master's final tee-shots to the 18th green of Broadcast Immortality.

His final A-Bombs from A-Rod, the last ribbies from Robbie, the farewell Text Messages and Juicings from Jorgie.

This is the season when John Sterling must shatter the All-Time WinWarble record of 8.02 seconds.

He must defeat the most powerful foe he's ever faced.


But how can science record the achievement, if MLB bans reproduced game events -- and refuses to measure WinWarbles itself?

Bud Selig is a hair-woven Hosni Mubarak, a dictator who ignores the masses who want honest measurment of WinWarbles -- not government-rehashed game scores that nobody believes.

This year, It is High faces its greatest test:



It Is High Exclusive: Sneak Preview Of Today's Video Tribute To The Boss

The Yankees are asking all fans to arrive early and be in their seats by 12:40 p.m. with the ceremony scheduled to start at 12:45 p.m.
The George M. Steinbrenner High School marching band will begin the ceremony with a special performance followed by a video tribute in honor of the former Yankees owner who passed away last July.

Friday, February 25, 2011

Hero Yankee Mike Kekich fighting Redsock hit piece

You may recall Mike Kekich as the Yankee who swapped his wife and dog with teammate Fritz Peterson, back in the deadball era of Hoss Clarke and Bob Gamere.

Today, he must be remembered as the Yankee who refused to swap his soul to Big Papi Affleck and Nomar Damon.

The two Hollywood dreamboats want to make a Redsock propaganda film to be played in Boston drug dens and madrassas, whipping up anti-Yankee rage in cuddly pre-pubes too young to know their voices haven't even changed yet.

Normally, every lip-injected harlot and snakeskinned agent in Tinseltown does a knees-open backflip at the thought of a call from Bourne Boy and/or Mr. Armageddon. They're used to calling the shots, moreso than Babe Ruth.

But Mike Kekich is holding the line. No dice, Redsocks.

Hang in there, Kek. There's a winning deal waiting for you in heaven.

Weighting for Colon

Girardi: Have you seen him?

Rothschild: No. Yes. No. What difference does it make?

Girardi: I don't know. He's throwing, right? Losing... the weight?

Rothschild: Yes, we wait.

Girardi: No. I mean his weight.

Rothschild: His weight is our weight. So we wait.

Girardi: Wait. I'm not sure about this.

Rothschild: Neither am I. That's why we're waiting.

Girardi: To see his weight?

Rothschild: Yes. And so we wait.

10 reasons fall of Gaddafi will help the Yankees

1. Famous Gaddafi supporter Dustin Pedroia depressed, loses focus, flops for Redsocks.

2. Arod boosted when Cameron Diaz gets bargain on Gaddafi's old miniskirts.

3. New opening for Hank Steinbrenner to make rambling, 90-minute address to U.N. Assembly

4. Renewed cries for vengeance after former aides reveal that Gaddafi ordered signing of Kei Igawa.

5. For mansion help, Jeter hires Gaddafi's newly unemployed staff of virgin Amazonian bodyguards.

6. John Sterling freed-up to describe 7th inning Little Debbie snack cakes as "Gaddafi-licious."

7. Mariano Rivera nickname lengthened to "Mo-ammar."

8. Rivera to ride in from bullpen on camel.

9. To improve interviews on "YES Center Stage," Michael Kay perfects "glazed eyes" style.

10. Whatever hallucinogens those rebel Libyan teens are taking... we get 'em.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

The unrelenting evil of "Glee" has linked up with the Redsock Nation

For a long time now, I figured the only positive about "Glee" was that it put to death the Disney franchise from hell known as "High School Musical." There just wasn't enough insipidness in the world for two TV musicals.

Still, I couldn't handle the idea of a weekly Fox network musical -- the early ad campaigns claimed it "taught America to sing again" -- and I blamed myself for being ornery and refusing to accept cheeriness and youth.

Now I know why I felt that way.


Listen: This was destined to happen. It had to happen. This whole show, "Glee," is uncompromsing, unrelenting evil. Consider the hell it has already unleashed upon America: "Don't Stop Believin'" is the most remembered song from the 1980s.

On our death beds, in the home, minimum wage nursing aides will be playing "Journey" songs for us, hoping to cheer us up. And it'll probably be the "Glee" soundtrack.

Yes, here is proof that there is no God: Two Glee stars -- Lea Michelle and Dianna Agron -- pimping Redsockware, like a pair of bonged-up Mily Cyrus in biker g-strings. And get this...

They want it both ways.

Just in case someone might get the wrong idea, Michele tweeted this message with the photo.

"But don't let the hat fool you though...I'm a Yankee fan all the way!!!!!!!"

Kill me. Make it fast. Just end it.

With Yankee fans like this, we must abandon hope.

When Garbage Island Becomes Dick Cheney's Summer Retreat....

I hate to say it, but El Duque is dreaming.

He has this fervent wish that Cashman recognize 2011 as a transitional year for the Yankees.

I would call it a re-building year, but that is against the Yankee code.

In such circumstances, the Yankees must not trade their prospects for worn out engines. Duque is right on this.

Everyone that is human knows the Yankee success since 1996 was due to keeping home grown young guys and giving them a chance. We had Bernie, Andy, Mo, Jorge and Derek. We kept them and we have had a winning/highly competitive franchise since then.

Sorry to say, but time is catching up to everyone and we must now repeat the strategy responsible for our success. Don't trade anyone under the age of 31 for anyone else.

Don't get caught up in the fact that the Knicks won a game after pulling off a blockbuster trade for Melo. Their previous blockbuster trade ( Pat Ewing for garbage ) put the Knicks in last place for 20 years, with no chance to get better because every draft pick was traded also.

The Melo deal is nothing more than a Ewing trade in reverse. The Knicks may rise to first round playoff losers for a few years, but then they'll go right back into the tank. They traded youth, spirit, potential, energy and high ceilings for one guy and some throw-ins that no one thinks play to the value of their contracts.

And, as always, they trade away top draft picks in the future.

So the Dolans have again mis-read their fans. They have delivered a nice, short-term glow at the expense of the next two decades. Mark my words.

Cashman, unfortunately, has these same tendencies. He has a lot of James Dolan in him lately. "Get me some old guy who used to dominate, and I'll give up all these young prospects in a flash, " he says in his sleep.

The Yankees really now think that a player has to be over 30 to be major league ready.

How and when did the Yankee leadership crawl into that hole? If we had had Doc Gooden at 19, he wouldn't have pitched in the bigs until he was 32. Can someone calculate the cost of not having a talent like that pitch in the majors during all those years?

Duque is right and he is going to be wronged.

Cashman has lied every time when he says we are going to " re-stock our minor league system;" or, "we are going to build from within;" or, " our best players are always those who come up as Yankees."

Cashman can't be trusted.

He will, before the year is out, trade at least two of our most exciting young players. Likely three.

Book it.

Yanks sign the next Juan Miranda?

You've heard of "Shoes for Poland?" This is "Cubans for Scranton." No sooner do the Yankees banish former Castro slugger-lugnut Juan Miranda to the NL than we sign Yadil Mujica, a twentysomething (?) Cuban to wander the mudfields of Moosic. Mujica plays SS, which makes him less Miranda than Andy Morales, the "Repeal-This-Contract" Poster Boy of 2001 -- also known as the Cuban Kei Igawa.

Not sure how to gauge this. Certainly, they know more than we. Caught no buzz about Mujica magic. Maybe he can hit. Maybe he can field. Maybe we shouldn't shake the gift box too hard. We constantly carp about signing free agents. Hell, sign 'em all! It's not like we've traded Betances to Havana.

But... seriously... 26 years old? Shortstop? Hmm. With Nunez, Pena and Ronnie Belliard, it's not like we face a utility IF void, either. Let's say this guy needs a year at Scranton. That puts him at 27 -- Cody Ransom country -- breaking in next spring. Is he maybe a clubhouse leader? Or, best hope yet, some Cuban prospect's uncle?

Fukkit. As Yankee fans, we love to open gifts. This Christmas, we didn't get what we wanted. Sometimes, even if the box is empty, or it turns out to be a gag tie, the fun part is just pulling off the wrapping paper.

Enjoy it. Yadil Mujica, the Cuban Sensation, is a Yankee! Don't look too closely.

Day 9: Alph Gets Exclusive Comments From Derek

Only Alph seems able to get Derek to stray from his very predictable script.

Hey Mark Feinsand, This Bro's For You!

there was no talk of waistlines on Day 9, but how about those boobies? Will Mark be able to squeeze them in the booth this year for the The Daily News Fifth with John and Suzy?
The linked article has very encouraging news about Manny Banuelos. DON"T TRADE HIM!

We May Not Have The Best Team In Baseball, But We Have K-Long

from cbs local by Sweeny Murti

Derek Jeter’s new swing will get a lot of attention this year. With exhibition games only a few days away, watch as Yankees hitting coach Kevin Long describes for me in detail the change in Jeter’s swing:
Long has been with the Yankees since 2007. He recently completed a book called “Cage Rat: Lessons from a Life in Baseball by the Yankees Hitting Coach.” Co-authored by Glen Waggoner, it is due for an April 26th release from Ecco Publishing.


What the Mick wouldn't do for a comeback try. Bet he never saw the likes of that under the stands.

Yankeetorial: Whenever a team dangles an old guy, must we go salary dumpster-diving?


Adam Wainwright's elbow hadn't even been x-rayed, but already the chatterbox Yankiverse was musing whether a depleted St. Louis would peddle us Chris Carpenter for the next generation.

Must we always do this?

(NOTE: I appreciate that all world events are only relevant in terms of how they affect the Yankees. I'm still processing Mubarak's impact on our bullpen.)

What rattles me is the Yankiverse's addiction to trading youth for last-gasp retreads, and then pretending we just got some star pitcher for free. Ian Kennedy, anyone? Austin Jackson. Does the name ring a bell?

Folks, this is a bridge year. This is a transition year. We are moving into a new era of Yankee players and pitchers. Some might be ready by September, an injection of youth the organization has not seen since 1995.

Unless we trade them for Chris Carpenter.

No trades of prospects! No salary dumps! None. Please, Cashman, I beg you. Don't do it!

It's time for a salary dump diet. Old guys don't win the World Series. Look at the San Francisco Giants. Look at the Texas Rangers.

Listen: You can grab a spare part in July. But nobody -- nobody -- gets a great deal on a used car in February, when every team still has unlimited hope. All you can do is trade good young players for bad transmissions.

We can sign free agents. But let's go with youth. Maybe that means Brandon Laird instead of Eric Chavez, and Eduardo Nunez instead of Ronnie Belliard. It means a new generation of Yankees -- players who will over-achieve. We must not throw them out like Monopoly money whenever some old guy comes on the market.

The kids will be all right. Please, please, please... don't trade them.

Driving Mr. Yogi

This is why we love spring training.

Last line in Harvey Araton's Times story about Ron Guidry as Yogi's personal valet:

“He buys his roast beef, I buy my bottle of vodka,” Berra said, with a twinkle in his eye. “We get along real good.”

Bottom line: Every sping, Guidry chauffeurs Yogi around Tampa, an inter-generational Yankee odd-couple. They bitch at each other. Yogi buys the booze. His wife stays home. Yogi talks about pitching to Ted Williams. Both guys have had reasons to wipe their slates clean about the Yankees. Both keep returning.

This is why we love spring training. More, Mr. Araton, more.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Love of Yankees and eating tunafish out of the can

A marriage conceived amid the splintered relations between Roger Clemens and Mike Piazza. With tunafish.

The very first night we met started as nothing more than a chance meeting in a bar, which turned into a discussion of sports -- our love of the Yankees (we met during the Yankees-Mets World Series in 2000), music and so many other things that we had in common. Then, she suddenly admitted that she ate plain tuna fish right out of the can. That may seem insignificant or even silly to others, but I have always eaten tuna plain right out of the can and had never in my life met anyone else who did. Now, after more than 10 years together and eight years happily married, we still look back at that exact moment as our dealmaker.

Welcome Melo To New York

Bring us a championship and wear that number with pride

JESUS IS MY PACKAGE, a free verse poem by J. Girardi


This is a kid that is a big kid.
This is a large man

And it’s not always
So easy to be a smaller

But physically, he's gotten to
Where he can be a pretty small
With his flexibility and all
Of those things that it takes,
              It's going to happen.

 -- J. Girardi, to Lohud, 2/23/11--

Open Letter to the Yankiverse: Hank's down on euphenism, not communism

"It was a euphemism, that’s all it was. It was a generalization,
a euphemism. A bad choice for a euphemism, but it was a euphemism."

In an evolving rite of spring Monday, Mr. Hank Steinbrenner extemporized extensively, in essence, euphanistically expressing several existential verbularities, which propelled portions of the Yankiverse into a needless priapism.

People, listenup:

Such reactions are absurdities, abominations, fecund and infertile feaux-figments of controversy. There is nothing here.

We believe Mr. Steinbrenner, in speaking emphemistically about mansions and communism, was merely using the topical vehicles as metaphorical tools to dialogue with Yankee fans in a generalized euphanistic expressionalism.

We at IT IS HIGH enjoy dialoguing extemporaneously, and we look forward to more cogent, though unconventional, conversations with and from Mr. Steinbrenner.

Bravo, Mr. Eloqutionizer. Bravo.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Brackman throws

Not To Be Confused With A Marx Brother: Hank At The HUAC Hearings

Hank, taking a page from Adolphe Menjou's book.
For the movie version

ESPN laments: If ONLY the Yankees never existed...

Some pimpled, med-school dropout at ESPN has put the mandated spin on Hank Steinbrenner's big-brained intellectualizing about socialism the other day.

Says Patrick Hruby, arguing that the Yankees are the real socialists.

The New York Yankees play in new Yankee Stadium, a building whose $1.5 billion price tag largely was covered by $1.2 billion in tax-exempt bonds. New York City's Independent Budget Office estimated that building the stadium cost taxpayers $362 million and that public financing will save the Yankees $787 million over 40 years. A New York State assemblyman argues that the stadium actually will cost taxpayers $4 billion over the same time, because the Yankees will not pay property tax on the building.

Hruby, don't take your love to town.

The Yankees are not the only pro team liplocked onto the public teat. What they are though, is the one team that spends every fucking cent trying to win every fucking year. It's a fool's game, because sometimes everything falls apart, and we're laughingstocks. We'd do better playing the Pittsburgh Pirates' strategy -- sit back and bank the checks. But no, we try each year. And yes, we fight the salary cap.

Listen: It's subversive to be a Yankee fan. We're the franchise that ruins it for the other billionaires. If this were the NFL, the Yankees would have kicked out long ago.

If not for us... harumph!... why... if only the Yankees never existed in MLB....

1. There'd be no team that every veteran player would bank on to pay market value. The owners wouldn't have to worry about the Yankees buying the pennant.

2. Scott Boras would be an accountant in Tulsa. No owner would ever worry about Boras holding his team for ransom, merely a hometown favorite -- facing the most important contract negotiations of his life -- wanted to be paid top dollar.

3. There would absolute parity, like in the NFL, where every team is in the race until the last game, and nobody stands out.

4. There'd be no one big bad team that everybody hates. Why, the Seattle Mariners could have a barnburner of a rivalry with the Kansas City Royals!

5. There'd be no dynasties. Hell, after every World Series, salary caps would kick in, forcing the champions to be eaten alive, like the big-boobed babe in "Piranha 3-D."

6. Everybody could hate the Mets, simply because of the New York thing.

7. The Redsocks would be MLB's top team. (Hey, did I mention this was written by ESPN? What a coincidence!)

Moammar Takes A Page Out Of Hank's Book

Qadhafi relies heavily on his long-time
Ukrainian nurse, Galyna Kolotnytska, who has been described as a
"voluptuous blonde." She may hail from the part of the Ukraine that collaborated with the Germans in WW2.

People In Glass Mansions......

Is Jeet's new supermansion haunted?

Yesterday, Hammerin' Hank Steinbrenner made his annual clodhop into the tabs by suggesting certain Yankees spend more time choosing wallpaper patterns than on the trusty StairMaster. Writers immediately turned to St. Jetersburgh, the captain's new, hospital-sized poonplex overlooking the dolphin-choking waters of Tampa Bay.

But what lurks inside this gigantic luxury box of horror, whose most distinctive feature is the walk-in Portal to Hell, or Scranton? (No. 1, below.) Some say, the place is haunted by the ghosts of girlfriends past.

In the Mariah Room (No. 2), an unexplained
force turns everyone mousy. 

In the Minka Room (No. 3), visitors are known to abruptly
experience a remake of the film "Single White Female."

The Jessica Biel Bathroom (No. 4)
has unexplained toilet backflows.

The kitchen (No. 5) is named for old friend Jessica Alba,
who loves to cook certain exotic dishes.

In the Master Bedroom (No. 6), fashioned as a baseball field,
Jeet loves to stretch out on his side, suspended on an invisible air mattress.

But he does have nightmares.

The inspiration for St. Jeterburgh is the Captain's other year-round home, in Syracuse, New York.