Saturday, October 31, 2015

Subway Series Roundup: Clueless Joe

Rock, Paper, Scissors: Bad decisions & indecision cost the Yankees Game Three

Who Manages the Managers: Girard & Collins both took their starters out too late

Big Name: Yankees' Chris Young winning new fans

I Have Always Relied on the Kindness of: Strangers send 90-year old Yankee fan to his first World Series

Boo Hoo: World Series game on Halloween forces Yankee fans into balancing act

Just Do It: Which team's fans are better at sex?

A-Rod: National treasure

The only positive in this Yankee-less October:

Imagining Rug Selig, flinging creamed corn at his TV, having to watch Alex Rodrguez - toast of the town - steal every scene on every channel.

He goes on Fox's NFL pre-game show and gleefully throws a football into an overhead monitor.

He goes on Fallon and delivers the one-liner: "If you ever do a photo shoot, don't kiss any mirrors."

(OOH-OOH! JUMPIN' JEHOSIFAT! Note to A-Rod: That should become your catchphrase, as in: "Whoa, Lucas Duda just kissed the mirror." Go ahead, you can use that idea!)

Now Newsday gushes over his broadcast debut.

OK... let's imagine the year 2020: Don Mattingly has finally finished his internship with LA and Florida, and comes home to serve as Yankee manager; John Sterling finally retires to the Puppy Bowl, leaving A-Rod as the new radio voice of the New York Yankees, driven by Jeep! Or would that job be too small for him? Maybe he'll host Good Morning America or the CBS Evening News.

I'm hoping all three. I want that rug rat Selig to suffer.

Grantland on Grantland:

Money to the left of them and money to the right,
Money everywhere they turn from morning to the night,
Only two things count at all from mountain to the sea,
Part of it's percentage, and the rest is guarantee.

To distract us during this tough week, a philosophical question: Which is REALLY better, "Best of Michael Kay" or "The Michael Kay Show?"

Each day, YES Network runs four hours of "The Michael Kay Show," because - frankly - nothing translates to the high-def TV screen better than radio.

On certain nights, YES distills the wittiest moments of the day into "Best of Michael Kay." It's like watching the highlight reel on Sports Center, (except, as stated above, it's radio.)

But here's the question: Is the "best" of Michael Kay really better than regular Michael Kay? Can we tell the difference? Because without the full four hours of Michael Kay, viewers are denied the subtle grins, the Diet Coke product placements and hand gestures that separate Michael Kay from not only Mike Francesca, but from actual entertainment programming (which would cost Hal "I'm Not Cheap" Steinbrenner money.)

Is the best really better? That is the question.

Some of you will say, yes, cramming four hours of Michael Kay into one is like Superman squeezing a lump of coal into a diamond. But I say no.

Michael Kay is not a lump of coal. He is a fine wine. To be properly savored, he must ferment for an entire afternoon. He needs to breathe. He needs two hours to chew on the news nugget, to parse it, to ponder it, to break to a commercial, to chew some more, to suck on it... and only then does he render judgement. That's the real Michael Kay. To compress four hours into an hour-long "Best of Michael Kay" is like cutting the Mona Lisa into canvas strips and saying, "There! We'll keep her eyes and ditch the stupid mouth."

It's good that we have time to consider these debates. I'm so happy the team - by collapsing like that Army blimp - gave us time to ponder such issues.

A true "Best of Michael Kay" would be to take the four-hour show and run it in slow motion - over, say, twelve hours. That way, each of us could digest the elegant wordplay that too often dances over our limited consciousness. And maybe drink more Diet Coke.

Friday, October 30, 2015

Old Baseball Maxim Proves True

On mischief night, anything can and often does happen.

The Devil really looked sharp.

The Maxim, however, held firm:  Good Pitching Beats Good Hitting

The lesser known part of the Maxim is:  Good pitching Plus Good Hitting results in a rout.

This one-sided beat down is just like going up to Boston during the season and getting skunked.

Tonight it felt as though the Yankees don't belong here at all.

The team might as well be off fishing, playing golf, or throwing parties for Derek Jeter.

A fashion statement in the Netherworld

The Massachusetts Yankee t-shirt.
(Via Reddit)

World Series Roundup: Everyone's a Yankee Fan!

USA Hooray: The Bronx is the best baseball town in America right now

Kneel Before A-Rod: Yankees look like unstoppable October force

Tanaka, Pineda, Severino: Yankees to become first in Series history to start 3 pitchers born outside U.S.

The House that Truth Built: Alfonso Soriano pep talk still echoes through Yankee clubhouse during 2015 World Series

We Can See Clearly Now: After half a decade of losing, Yanks fans are learning how to have fun

Mystique & Vegara: Sofia wishes Yankees good luck in Game 3

Moo's on First: Dairy's blue milk pays tribute to pinstripes

Bambino meets Bambu: Pot-Smoking Yankee fans spark friendship at World Series

Ju-Ju Rules Apply

I have read Ju-Ju rules, many times.

 The book provides techniques we can ( and should ) all use ( techniques whose efficacy has been proven over the years ) to give the Yankees a leg up at critical moments.  Certainly, each game of this World Series represents a critical moment.

As a consequence, I am sticking with the above photo as long as the Yankees continue to thrive.  If we lose tonight, at Shea, I'll return to the archives.  But a key Ju-Ju rule is: " always stay with what worked for you most recently."   The Yankees played their best ball of the year in their 7-1 win, so I am sticking to the routine.  

Last night, on WFAN, in NYC, Suzyn and John did a call in show to summarize what the first two games have revealed.  Oddly enough, at about 1:15 am, a call came in from El Duque ( he tried to disguise his voice );

El Duque :  "What are the keys to the Yankees' success in the first two games?"

John: " Why don't you take this one Suzyn?"

Suzyn; " But you are the voice of the Yankees, John."

John:  " True.  But I sense this is a set-up question, and I don't want to be stung."

El Duque  :  " Perhaps I should re-phrase the question.  How is it that Didi is playing more like Alcides Escobar than himself?"

John:  " Why don't you take this one, Suzyn?"

Sidebar:  Audience hears phone slammed on the other end.

It was, if nothing else, entertaining.

Suzyn did offer, at one point, an argument that Adam Warren should start tonight, but I'm pretty sure it will be Severino.

More of what Trump would tweet about the Yankees

I can't get enough of this.

On "the team of a thousand whiffs," the winner of the 2015 IT IS HIGH YANKEE WIND TURBINE OF THE YEAR is...

From the continuing IT IS HIGH awards banquet, hosted by Shia LeBeouf and the late Bea Arthur, (via holographic projection...)

Ladies and gentlepersons, each of the nominees for 2015 Yankee Wind Turbine of the Year achieved greatness in the ceremonial gripping and swishing of his mighty bat. Together, these "swingers" contributed more than 600 strikeouts to the Yankee offense, nearly half the team's total of 1,227.

As the Royals near a World Series ring by putting the ball into play, tonight we honor those who would rather choke than choke up... who prefer to take their long, self-pleasuring hacks and then saunter back to the warm seat.

These nominees generated the most strikeouts. The winner, though, has the highest whiff average. The nominees are - and I ask the audience to refrain from catcalling until all are named -

Chase Headley (135 Ks)
Brett Gardner (135 Ks)
Alex Rodriguez (145 Ks)
Brian McCann (97 Ks)
Jacoby Ellsbury (86 Ks)

May I have the fan-velope please.

And the winner is... AROD, with a strikeout average of .234... Yankee Wind Turbine of the Year!

A-Rod can't be here, because he's providing expert advice at the World Series. Accepting the award is former Yankee slugger Ron Kittle.

[Note: Several other Yankees deserve recognition for their whiff averages. They didn't receive enough plate appearances to qualify for the award. But Greg Bird (.298), Brendan Ryan (.282), John Ryan Murphy (.250) and Chris Young (205) fanned the fans.]

[For the record: Headley's K average (.210) Gardner (.206), Ellsbury (.172), Teixeira (.184), and McCann (.181).]

When they weren't beating the ball into the defensive over-shifts, frankly, it just didn't matter: They were swinging and missing. And to think that we had two (2!) batting coaches!

Thursday, October 29, 2015

Here's a trade to remember: In 2010, the Yankees gave Mark Melancon and Jimmy Paredes to Houston for two months of Lance Berkman

Melancon, 30, yesterday was named National League Reliever of the Year.

Paredes, 26, batted .275 with 10 HRs for Baltimore, playing four positions (including second base.)

Berkman in 2010 batted .255 for the Yankees. Over 37 games, he hit one HR and drove in 9 runs. He couldn't play first base because he was too fat to bend over and field grounders.

We let him go that winter. The following year in St. Louis, he was nearly the MVP.

Berkman now is making a big name for himself around the Houston area by campaigning to keep transgender people from using public rest rooms. I guess he wants them to hold it until they get home.

Listen: I know there are countless complications in baseball deals. But if the Yankees had never made a trade - never did anything - their 2015 bullpen would have been Melancon, Dellin Betances, David Robertson, Tyler Clippard, Adam Warren and David Phelps. Wow.

Sorry for being negative. You Yankee fans out there who are still positive... how do you do it?

More Yankee tweets from the Donald Trump Insult Generator

It goes where we dare not.

Yanks Don't Play Like Yanks; Offense Hammers Mets in Huge 7-1 Win

This is how sweet the Yankees were last night ( see above photo, dummy!)

I really could not believe what I was seeing.

Pineda pitched better than he had since he was a Yankee.  He looked poised, confident, and had
 that, " give me the ball and I'll win this one for us," attitude.  In short, he looked like the stud pitcher we thought we were getting in that trade with Seattle, rather than the dumb ass off-kilter, hat wearing, pine tar globbing blob of mediocrity who starts to sweat heavily when his breaking balls aren't breaking.

He also used a mound presence and approach we have never seen before in a Pineda outing.  He seemed to know what he was doing.  He kept a fine-hitting Mets team off-balance, and allowed only 2 hits in nine innings.  Amazing ( sorry Mets fans ).

I really did not believe it was Pineda out there.

And the rest of the team performed differently , as well.  First of all, when deGrom had a 1-0 lead
( due to a bad call at first base ), I thought we were close to finished.  I know this Yankee team, on its best days, can score two runs, but not more.  And if the opponent gets two, we are stuck with a drawn out, extra inning tie, which we always seem to lose.  So, we were on the brink.

Not this time.

The Yankees blasted their way to a 4 run fifth and, later in the game ( and more astonishing, based on our season long performance ) a three run outburst.  More amazingly ( sorry Mets fans for that reference  again), they did it without Home runs.  They played aggressive, solid baseball of a type we didn't see all season long.

And most of the time, we were hitting rockets.  Often, the Yankees did most of their damage down two strikes in the count, and sometimes with two outs.  Not like the April-September performance at all.

And everyone contributed;  I'll give Girardi some credit for playing John Ryan Murphy ( last minute line-up change ), who handled Pineda well and got a couple hits.  Slade got  a couple also, giving himself a World Series batting average, and maybe some confidence.

The big star, and I owe Cashman a huge apology here, is Didi.  He is doing it offensively and defensively.  Once again, the guy playing shortstop last night for the winners, did not resemble the Didi I have watched all year.  I berated Cashman for another lame trade, for another mediocre player.  But last night's shortstop play was all star.  So sorry, Cash.  You have done an amazing job building this team.

They just don't like those mediocre Yankees anymore.  They look like a team that can win it all, not like the losers who can't score a run in a play-in game.

Let's see what happens when we move across town to Queens.

Still angry over Yankee meltdown? Try the Donald Trump Insult Generator

This is from Time Magazine's Donald Trump Insult Generator, which in itself justifies the creation of the Internet.

Type in a Yankee, and the generator tweets how we feel.

My 30-second opening remarks: The Yankees' real problem is not hitting or pitching. It's the rude, pro-Redsock, anti-Pinstripe "gotcha" media.

I'm talking about ESPN! I'm talking about Fox Sports! I'm talking about the mainstream, pro-Redsock, pro-Met media and their constant "Blame Yankees first" mentality. Their play-by-play teams have never called a Yankee defeat they didn't love! That's because they work for Major League Baseball, a communist organization that wants to kill the Yankees with luxury taxes and regulations that take our hard-earned Yankee money and send it to San Diego and Milwaukee, and then they ask us if Ivan Nova will be our fifth starter next year. WHO THE HELL CARES ABOUT IVAN NOVA! Why aren't we talking about the real issues, the ones that Yankee fans care about! Why aren't we talking about second-base? Why aren't we talking about Yoan Moncada? Why aren't we talking about the nine-inning, pro-Hillary hate-fests that run nightly on ESPN and Fox! I AM THE ONLY YANKEE FAN HERE WITH THE PROVEN RECORD OF SHOWING THE WILLINGNESS TO BE THE ONE WHO IS UNAFRAID TO BE THE ONE WHO WILL DO WHAT IS NECESSARY TO BE DONE. And when I am made Yankee owner, on Day One, I will pull the Yankees from the broadcast schedules of ESPN and Fox, and I will only allow Yankee games to air on YES, with an actual unbiased voice of truth in the form of Mr. John Sterling! And... EXCUSE ME, LET ME FINISH, LET ME FINISH, YOU LET HAROLD REYNOLDS HAVE HIS TALK, LET ME FINISH... and on Day One, DAY ONE, I will pull out of the Players' Union agreement that limits Yankee spending - a horrible, horrible deal, which we made because we have stupid, stupid people running the team - LET ME FINISH, I SAT THROUGH YOUR PETE ROSE AND RON DARLING, LET ME FINISH - and we will never again have to endure Joe Buck's ridiculous put downs of our core Yankee beliefs. When I am Yankee owner, I will make the Yankees great again, and we will play in the World Series - airing on WPIX! AND WE WILL WIN THE WORLD SERIES, EVERY YEAR!

Wednesday, October 28, 2015

Question to Yankiverse: Could Hal Steinbrenner win on Dancing With the Stars?

Before delving into the thorns of this debate, let's say what needs to be said:

Tom "Aren't I Wonderful" Bergeron has lost control of his dancers, his stars, and his audience - what with evil clowns scaring co-hosts and nearly causing the competitors to pull hammies, and everybody thinks dear sweet Bindi Irwin - precious daughter of the Crocodile Hunter - is so adorable, so wonderful - AND SHE'S A SUCCUBUS, A LIVING HORROR SHOW SUCCUBUS, and Bergeron does nothing, NOTHING!

I'm saying that Hal Steinbrenner - if he would strap on the Kinky Boots that electrified the 2013 Macy's Parade - would mop the dance floor with precious sweet Princess Bindi and maybe bring home some badly needed money for pitching. The question is whether Hal is ready. It's been two years since he stole our Thanksgiving hearts. I say, YOU GO, HAL!

So what else is on TV these nights?

Survey Says….

There is a growing interest and appreciation in the Yankee "substitution" program used by members of this blog for getting through the 2015 World Series.

Mets v Yankees is, after all, the ultimate appeal.

El Duque commissioned a survey after the first day's reporting, and we have a statistically significant, early result;

Folks would like to experience, and participate in ( via comment ) a live blog of an upcoming game…..with the play by play and commentary provided, of course, by John & Suzyn.

Mustang will be channeling John and I will be channeling Suzyn. El Duque would be the broadcast booth guest during bottom of 5th inning, representing the Baseball Commissioner's office in the form of Joe, " what do I do now? " Torre.

We need the approval of IIHIIFII…C  Ceo, El Duque, to invest the technical dollars to proceed, and bring Suzyn back from her vacation in Haiti.

I am confident in El Duque's support because we all know, despite his protestations to the contrary, that he loves this idea.

Keep the votes, pro and con, coming in.

If we have enough tweets and responses in favor, we may be able to create and give away El Duque bobble head dolls to the first 18,000 ticket holders to enter the stadium for game 6.

Yankiverse bracing for new Adele album

They're asking, how big will this be?

Real big.


In fact, I gotta believe Hal Steinbrenner will shell out for this one. He clearly doesn't have the money for a free agent pitcher - I'm praying the team can afford the rent and not be put out in the cold over Christmas - but I bet Hal can scrounge up $15 for a download - (he's no bit torrent freeloader) - burn copies to disk and then give it to friends as Christmas presents. That's how big this is. This is going to be the soundtrack of Hal's winter.

Damned if anybody will bother with sports news.


Sorry guys, I meant to type Pineda.

One Change to Yankee Line-up for game 2

I heard a radio spot from John and Suzyn this morning, as they discussed the " dead air" situation from last night's game.  As you may know, FOX lost power for a while and there was chaos on the field.  The game stopped with Harvey pacing the mound like a caged lion.

Joe Torre was called from the stands to do nothing.  He looked around for help, wondering if he could bring in a reliever for himself.  This was unprecedented.  The issue was; there would be no instant replays available until the power was restored.  Simply translated;  there would have been a lot of blown calls which might have changed the game.  Finally, the two teams agreed to proceed with out the benefit of replay.  Luckily, the power came back.

Remember when David Wright was called safe at second, on his attempted steal?  Could have been a game changer without instant replay.  Instead of runner on second and one out, it was no one on and two outs.  I think.

Anyway, John & Suzyn were a barrel of laughs, about their great insights being lost, etc.

They did pass on that Joe has announced his line-up for tonight's game:

1.  Didi (SS)- can history repeat?
2.  Refsnyder ( 2B ) - what an upgrade over Stephen Drew.
3.  Ellsbury (CF ) - 1 for 6 last night, but covering a lot of turf.
4.  Bird ( FB ) - Rookie must be feeling fine today.
5.  Beltran (DH ) - ( A-Rod sits after 0-3 night with a walk and a K ).
6. Headley ( 3B) - some great defense last night.
7.  Mc Cann ( C) -  This is one tough dude ( hit on hand with backswing last night ) with a cannon arm.
8.  Gardener (LF) - Unexpected hero.
9.  Heathcott (RF) - Will he hit?  Defense a plus.

Peralta with the funny hat is scheduled to pitch for the good guys.

The Mets, supposedly, will start Sundeguaard ( I have no clue what his name is ) who seems to me, unhittable.  Every pitch is 97-102 mph and his location excellent.

Stay tuned.

The Yanks need this one to assure a return to the stadium.  And I have tickets with Mustang and El Duque for game 6.

Yanks Win Opener In 14th !

The Yankees started their ace last night, and Tanaka ( cousin pictured above….our graphics guy was hung over this morning ) gave what we have come to expect; 6 innings and 3 runs.

Who knew that it would take 14 innings for the Yankees to outlast the feisty Mets?  The game story is endless, as this was one of the best opening acts the World Series as ever seen.

The Yankees had a number of amazing performances, beginning with Didi's lead off inside-the-park home run.  I do agree, by the way, that the ball should have been caught.  Nonetheless, a lucky bounce took the ball 50 yards out of the reach of either Met outfielder, and Didi turned on the jets to cross the plate standing up. Needless to say, this energized the crowd.  I give some credit to Joe Girardi for shaking up the line-up and having Didi lead off.

The Mets, however, showed that they can not only take a punch, but deliver a flurry of their own.  The Yanks had to battle back from deficits two times, including the dramatic bottom of the ninth.  I am encouraged by this because, during most of the year, the Yanks couldn't score more than two runs against a quality team.  And Matt Harvey looked as though he was settling in…I think he retired 11 straight at one point.

But let's get to some real drama.  With the game knotted at 3-3, Bird misplayed a ground ball that should have been the end of the inning, and the Mets scored the go-ahead run on the error.  The rookie had a chance to drive in the tying run in his next at bat, with Refsnyder at second ( lead-off double ) but Tyler Clippard struck him out on a high fastball, out of the zone.  Tyler, of course, was a long time Yankee property whom Cashman traded for a sack of rocks a few years back.  The irony.

I had just finished saying to the guy sitting next to me at the bar that, " the team has got to pick
him ( Bird ) up."  A Bill Buckner type experience ( it was a much tougher play than Bill had to make ) could hurt his psyche forever. Cut to the bottom of the 9th, Mets up 4-3 with their perfect Familia in to close things out.

Then the most unlikely thing happened;  Brett Gardner ( a .200 hitter since August 1 ) jumps a fastball and plants it into the seats.  Tie ballgame.  In the 14th, Greg Bird hits the sac fly that wins the game for the Yanks.


Yankees Offseason News

It's never too early to start making travel plans.

The World Men's Curling Championship 2016 will be held April 2-10, 2016, in Basel, Switzerland. The baseball season begins April 3. Your call.

Hannah Davis bags the Big One

Damn. We're all going to need tuxedos.

World Series Report: Leah Remini takes a tumble on Dancing With the Stars

You just hope it's not the knee.

I mean, if it's the knee - well, let's just say that we remember Gayle Sayers. What's most galling - and I know you already know this, but I have to vent - is how it happened.

Tom Bergeron has got to step in and regain control over his show, or somebody is going to get hurt.

First, you've got guest hostess Remini - actress, star, former Scientologist, jolly good sport - she's out there, doing her job, working the mic, when big shot pro dancer Sasha Farber, dressed as an evil clown, sneaks up behind her. Boo. Shriek. Ka-boom. Remini goes down. An eight count.

Now, the only reason Remini is out there is because Erin Andrews is covering the baseball whatever, which nobody gives a working crap about. Remini - plucky sport that she is - is pitching in, doing Fox a favor, and this is what she gets? Clowned? I'll tell you: Anybody ever clowns me, they go down! Bozo's nose is gonna turn permanently red. Remini was interviewing Tamar Braxton and Val Chmerkovskiy - and, NEWS FLASH: Some of us would like to know what they have to say, considering they're new as partners, and she gets clowned? Bergeron had better goddamm get control of his show. Somebody is going to get hurt.


UPDATE: Now they're saying Farber apologized and Remini says she's OK. No surgery. They want everybody to go home and act like it never happened. WELL, IT'S NOT GOING DOWN THE MEMORY HOLE. BERGERON IS A DISGRACE. HE'S GOT TO GO. HE'S THE PROBLEM. WHAT'S GOT TO HAPPEN, FOX? DOES SOMEBODY HAVE TO GET HURT BEFORE YOU DO ANYTHING?

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Reincarnating the Greats #2

Yogi's stats top, Beltran's below.

The 2015 Yankees: Reincarnating The Greats

Opening NIght

It has been a while since the Yankees have opened at home in the World Series.

But tonight is opening night, and at the new stadium for the first time.  Girardi has hinted at some line-up changes, as the second subway series ( the real thing ) commences on this beautiful Fall day.

I read a comment from tonight's starter, Tanaka, where he said, " the extended rest after the playoff win over Toronto has helped bring new energy to my arm."  This, of course, is the translation from his interpreter.

Girardi won't post his line-up, officially, until 4pm, but my inside sources indicate a few exciting changes for Yankees fans.

First off;  Slade Heathcott will be playing right field.  Refsnyder will be at second and, Bird, at first.  Think about that;  three guys from Scranton who no one thought would be in pinstripes for a World Series in 2015.

No offense Gardy will be in left field, primarily for defensive purposes, and he will bat 8th I am advised.  Jacoby ( also a member of the no offense club will likely lead -off) ;McCann will catch, and hopefully his left hand swing will nub a few opposite field grounders off Harvey for infield singles.  If he can make it to first base in under 20 seconds, we'll have a hit.

Third base remains a bit of a mystery, with the .230 hitting Headley the likely candidate.  But rumors persist that another rookie could get a shot.

The Yankees don't figure to score more than a run, so Tanaka better keep Lucas Duda and the Murphy dude at bay.

In any case, it is all New York baseball.  What could be finer.?


I could live with this

Bill O'Reilly, John Sterling, and Alex Rodriguez Walk Into A Bar...

“Look, if they asked you, what would you have done?  I was obviously flattered.  I love the game.  I love to watch.  I live for baseball.  And it’s been fun so far.”
Alex Rodriguez, October 26, 2015

“I’m one of you [media] guys now.” Rodriguez said.

Best quote:  "I'd much rather be playing than analyzing."

World Series Report: Bindi Irwin unleashes her scary side during Halloween routine on Dancing with the Stars

Must have been unbelievable. She dressed up as a vampire. I mean, fangs. Bindi Irwin, daughter of the Crocodile Hunter. Remember him? With fangs.

OK, Yankiverse, there you have it: Today's hot topic. The rest of the baseball world can discuss... oh... whatever. We've got Dancing With the Stars. Did you know that some websites call it DWTS? The first time I saw that, I thought it meant "Don't Want The Shits." Shows what I know. And Bindi Irwin is a Fan Favorite. Sort of like Brett Gard-ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZAP.

Oops. I forgot to tell you that I've rigged up the Yankee Reference Reminder Taser, and for the next week, any time I mention a Yankee, I'll get a terse 50,000-volt bowels cleanser. It's for my own good. Did you know that some websites are excited because a certain Yankee catching prospect has hit 4 home runs in the Arizona Instructional League? Pretty. Exciting. Eh? You know, if we work our front office magic, I bet we can get a middle inning bullpen pitcher for Gary San-ZZZZZZZZZZZZAP.

Owwww, that hurt. So, where were we? Holy Cow! Did you hear that eating bacon is bad for you? That's a stunner. I thought bacon and hot dogs were health foods. Next, I bet they'll claim glazed donuts are bad. And... ummm... Bindi Irwin! She must have put on a really scary dance number. Nothing scares me like a really scary dance number. So... yeah... DWTS. She could win it. And, um... tonight on YES, quite a lineup. Don't want to miss Brooklyn Nets Magazine. And... umm... spring training starts in about 120 days, eh? Yep. Must have been a really scary dance number. You know, I didn't even know the Crocodile Hunter had kids? Fangs.

Monday, October 26, 2015

Yank fans seeking to relive 2015 need look no further than the Meadowlands

Despite the lack of a pass rush, running game and workable offense, the NY Foosball Giants won yesterday, ascending to the upper plateau of the NFC East. They will likely stay there for a week or two, maybe even through Thanksgiving. Then - poof.

We don't know what will prompt this year's collapse. That's the fun of being a Giants' fan: You never know... how she'll blow!

Of course, we know it will be injuries - the usual Babadook - but Coach For Life Tom Coughlin's warriors usually cook up some spectacular, otherworldly, unprecedented meltdown - a veritable rupture in The Matrix - that involves the referees blowing an obvious call, the kind that has you swearing you'll never watch another NFL game. It will produce the most visually memorable image of the Coughin era - (and keep in mind, his tenure includes two Super Bowl victories): The neon red, glowing, scowling, cheeks burning, eyes-on-fire Coughlin Gremlin Face, begging God to die.

Like the 2015 Yankees - luxuriating through the month of June when the AL East was the worst division in baseball - the Gints are enjoying a sweet October in the NFC East, the Patriot League of the NFL.

The pass rush is the Yankee middle innings bullpen. There is simply nobody there. Yesterday, the Cowboys' quarterback could clip his toenails while waiting for receivers to get open. Fortunately, that QB was Matt Cassell. Had it been Tony Romo - well - it would have been like Danny Burawa pitching to the Blue Jays. So... the Gints won!

The Giants rushing game is Jacoby Ellsbury. It just doesn't run. But, alas, yesterday, the Gints won.

And the coaching staff is Joe Girardi. Yesterday, in the first half, the Giants unveiled an exciting rushing performance by someone who calls himself Orleans Darqua. He literally burst through the Cowboys' defense. The coaches' response? Sit him down! It was vintage Girardi. But - hey - the Gints won.

I bet the Giants chase the Wild Card!

But if you're seeking the Yankee experience, a disclaimer: Yesterday, as Joe Buck and Troy Aikman hyped the World Series on FOX, cameras panned across the Meadowlands. It revealed a sea of Met caps, an expanse that was once all midnight blue. They talked about New York going crazy over the Mets - as others have suggested 2015 will be a season for - gasp - the Jets.

Make no mistake: We are in the Great Yankee Depression. This is no three-year down period. This is a full blown abyss. Help is not coming. No quick trade will save us. Our farm system has bright spots, but we still lag behind most teams. Like the Jersey Giants, our owner makes money, win or lose. The apocalypse is happening. It IS being televised. And in a few weeks, when Eli starts throwing his interceptions, and the refs start throwing their flags... well... we can deja vu it all over again.

Sunday, October 25, 2015

And now... the award for the 2015 Yankee IT IS HIGH Gopher Ballsman of the Year goes to...

Continuing coverage of our 2015 awards banquet...

The nominees for the 2015 Yankee IT IS HIGH Gopher Ballsman Award - that is, the Yankee pitcher who surrendered the most soul-crushing, spine-sapping, TV-kicking-in home run balls this past season - are...

CC Sabathia (applause)
Masahiro Tanaka (applause)
Chasen Shreve (wild applause)

I would ask that the audience, in respect to the nominees, refrain from your applause at this time...

Chris Capuano (dead silence)
Esmil Rogers (mild applause)

A drum roll please...

And the winner is... a threesome!... CC Sabathia, Masahiro Tanaka and Chasen Shreve!

Accepting the award for Misters Sabathia, Tanaka and Shreve is Edwar Ramirez...

Each winning Yankee Gopher Ballsman delivered 1.5 home runs per nine innings of pitching. Sabathia contributed 28 HRs, Tanaka offered 25 and Shreve gave up only 10 - but per 9 innings, they fell into a statistical dead heat.

(Note, because they did not throw enough innings to qualify, several Yankee pitchers were not eligible for this award, but still deserve recognition:  They are Jacob Lindren (3.9 HR per nine innings) Sergio Santos (3 HR), Caleb Cotham (3.7 HR), Jose DePaula (2.7), Andrew Bailey (2.1), and gopher legend Danny Burawa (13.5 HR per nine innings.)

Congrats to all!

Grease rises: Yankee front office brass to promote from within

Today's scuttlebutt - (beyond the news that Jerry Hall, Mick Jagger's old squeeze, is dating Rupert Murdoch) - says the Yankees will replace front office lug nut Billy Eppler - who ran off to run the Angels - with Tim Naehring, a former Redsock infielder, who has been a Yankee scout since 2007. If it's true, Naehring would effectively become Brian Cashman's second-in-command - though not necessarily his future successor. Both men are 48, which leaves Naehring with nowhere to go, generationally, unless Cashman retires early, or the ropes give out while he's rappelling down that building in December for charity.

First off... let's state the obvious: I hate it, hate it, when the Yankees bring in people whose names I will never, ever, learn to spell. I think they do it on purpose. They sit around and say, "Ha! I got it: Doug Mientiewicz!" We've replaced Epper - easy to spell - with a guy with two needless letters smack in the center of his name. They hate us.

To me, this guy is Narring. Deal with it.

Aside from that, what else can we say? Narring supposedly helped engineer the Didi Gregorious trade, the best deal Cashman has made in this century. Still, I was hoping the loss of Eppler - said to be Cashman's heir apparent - would spur the Yankees to go outside the organization for suited talent.

Year in and year out, the St. Louis Cardinals and San Francisco Giants seem to do almost everything right. It would be nice to poach somebody - to bring in a new guy and shake things up. The Yankees won't officially name Narring until they've finished restructuring the front office. Let's hope that means some fresh faces. And let's keep our fingers crossed that Narring has another Didi in his sights.