Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Cameron Diaz and Arod: "Let's Build Something Togethahhhh"

The National Enquirer, which brought down John Edwards but not Carol Burnett, says Arod and Cameron Diaz are headed to Loew's to build something special...

A house of sin.

Apparently, Kate Hudson yelled too much, attracted too much publicity and when together alone, tried to beat him with her shoes. Cameron oozes cool, doesn't ovulate in public -- and is bringing home the bacon.

"Alex loves that Cam doesn't feel a need to make a spectacle of their love affair," the source said. "By not pressuring him, Cameron won him over." During the July visit, Cameron began moving clothes and furniture from storage into A-Rod's Upper West Side condo, the source said. When he travels to Los Angeles, A-Rod reportedly stays at Cameron's newly purchased $10 million, six-bedroom mansion in Beverly Hills. "For now, Cam and Alex intend to be bi-coastal," said the source. "She's been telling friends as long as their new arrangement doesn't hit any bumps, they hope to be married this time next year."

Earle Combs: Yankee Bardball circa 1934

Earle was a teammate of mine in 1930
The Sportlight
By Grantland Rice
(written after Earle Combs sustained a fractured skull in a game in St. Louis in July 1934)
 Earle Combs-Ball Player
“We talk of showmanship-and headline stuff-
We speak of color and of crowd appeal,
And some of it, perhaps, is partly bluff,
And some of it, beyond all argument, is real;
But, now and then, a workman hits the road,
Too little sung amid the jamboree,
Who knows but one plain, simple working code-
To do his stuff from A on through to Z.
I lift a humble song to one like this,
Earle Combs of Old Kentucky and the Yanks-
Who, in a long career, has yet to miss
The high plateau above the crowded ranks-
Keen-eyed, swift-footed, gentle as a child,
Stout-hearted when the pinches come around,
He doesn’t need the loud bassoon gone wild
To show the way he hits and covers ground.
Year after year he’s been around the front,
Giving in full through every battle played,
The timely triple-or the lowly bunt-
Unmindful of the crown or accolade-
His eye was on the ball-not on the slag
That turned his charge into a crashing fall-
Cut down the hit or save the extra bag-
What happens after doesn’t count at all.”

Hurricane could be third most influencial Earl in Yankee History

Current Earl Rankings (As of Aug. 31)

1. Earle Combs
2. Earl Torgeson
3. Hurricane Earl (prospect at Yankees' Charleston affiliate)

Javy Gets Rewarded For Excellent Long Relief

I Think I'll Just Moseley Along

With Javy's new leg kick rejuvenating his fastball
perhaps it's time for nice guy Dustin to just Moseley along to the bullpen to join the Lennon Sisters for long relief and mop up. As Jorge said about Javy last night, “He belongs in the rotation. He understands that, and today was another step.”

The Legacy of Bud Selig

Tons of money for the owners.
Ignorance of player-dopers.

More exploitative contract bids
For dirt-poor Caribbean kids.

A baseball classic for the world
Where U.S. players rarely hurled.

With anti-trust still holding fast,
Small-market teams still finish last.

Now, Milwaukee celebrates this schwanz
With a Selig statute cast in bronze.

Up today on Bardball.

Do the Math... Boston is screwed

We have 31 games left, with seven games in the loss column.

If we screw up and lose more than we win... 15 wins, 16 losses... the Redsocks must go  24-9... a winning percentage of .727.

Their winning record thus far in the season... .565 percent.

They can still do it. (SEE: NO JINX!) But it's getting late.

Today, Boston starts a 3-game series in Baltimore. The Redsocks need a sweep. Showalter will be ovulating to beat the team that has handled Baltimore so easily in recent years. That's going to be a tough sweep. 

From there, Boston goes home to face Chicago -- and Manny, who might just have another post-trade resurgence. That's going to be a tough sweep.

Then Tampa Bay visits for three.

Boston must win seven or eight out of 10.

That's a tough stretch.

They could still do it. (SEE: NO JINX) We could collapse, especially with our starters. But do the math. Boston is screwed.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Happy Thames Are Here Again, Again

Happy Thames are here again
(6)Home run blast(s) in a (6)game(s) again
Let's have another beer again
Happy Thames are here again
Altogether watch him clout one now
There's no one who can doubt him now
Even if he can't field no how
Happy Thames are here again
Your cares and troubles aren't quite gone
There'll be more without good starting arms
So fight on ...
Happy Thames are here again
Still the Captain went hitless again
But, let's sing a song of cheer again
Happy times
Happy nights
Happy days
Are here again!

My name is Earl

(Ha! We're first to crack Earl joke!)
Forget that weekend series against Toronto.
In fact, should we forget Labor Day weekend?

Wake Up Little Suzie

A follow up to the hearsay about Suzie's close relationship with a certain Yankee(s).
What if Suzie slept too late one time too many with her blade Wade and missed the broadcast. Could it have cost her the job?
Wake up, little Susie, wake up
Wake up, little Susie, wake up
We’ve both been sound asleep, wake up, little Susie, and weep
The gig is over, it’s four o’clock, and you're in trouble deep
Wake up little Susie
Wake up little Susie, well
Whatta we gonna tell your compaƱero
Whatta we gonna tell Cano
Whatta we gonna tell your friends when they don't switch to Geico's Gecko
Wake up little Susie
Wake up little Susie
I told Steinbrenner that you’d be in by ten
Well Susie baby looks like we goofed again
Wake up little Susie
Wake up little Susie, we gotta get driven fast by Jeep
Wake up, little Susie, wake up
Wake up, little Susie, wake up
The schtupping wasn’t so hot, my schmeckel just went plop
We fell asleep, your goose is cooked, your reputation is a crock
Wake up little Susie
Wake up little Susie

Stephen Strasburg v. Brien Taylor

Saddest Washout? We report; you defile.

Strasburg: Picked number one in 2010 MLB draft by Nats.

Taylor: Picked number one in 1991 MLB draft by Yanks.

Strasburg: Featured in Sports Illustrated.
Taylor: Featured on "60 Minutes"

Strasburg: Pitched for Syracuse
Taylor: Pitched for Albany
Strasburg: Blew out arm due to misuse by Nationals
Taylor: Threw out arm throwing punch in barfight. (pictured, right)

Strasburg: Undergoing Tommy John surgery, out 17 months
Taylor: Working as bricklayer with dad

It is time to take nominations for Yankee Employee of the Month

Sorry, but Johnny Damon -- a leading contender for IIH Humanitarian of the Year -- is not eligible.

Ivan SuperNova? (two big outings)
Joe Girardi? (to sweeten the deal and keep him from Chicago)
Swisher? (Big hits)
CC? (Our rotation)
Jesus Montero? (led Scranton to IL pennant)

Who are we missing?

Scranton, Wilkes Barre, Clinch

Sunday, Scranton-Wilke Barre beat Buffalo to win the Northern Division title.
You can feel the electricity throughout the Lackawanna Valley.

We are going to the International League playoffs.

 Get up, Scran-Wilkers, get up! 

The Cup is coming home.

Scranton. Wilkes Barre. Moosic.

Seen Dining In Washington D.C.

After appearing at the Glenn Beck hosted "Restoring Honor" rally

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Victorious Ivan Addresses Critics

Besides, Vitamin B-12 is not on the list of banned substances

John's WinWarble: 6.63 seconds -- (Try this on for size, Bud Selig)

Just so nobody gets hot'n bothered... how about if we run it in reverse?

Game 130: John & Suzyn's First-Inning Talking Points

  • For some reason they built the U.S. Cellular Field broadcast booth so the sun comes pounding in. It's like 120 degrees in here.
  • The pregame ceremony honoring Frank Thomas took forever.
  • Who decided to make this broadcast booth so that the sun comes right in?
  • This sun even makes their monitors useless.
  • Do not expect me to be able to see the baseball in this sun. [QUOTE: "It is a terrible feeling if you're us."]
  • Everybody's hurt, but you can't expect anyone to feel sorry for the Yankees.
  • If only Posada were in this game. But you gotta go with what you got.
  • The Yankees haven't been playing well.

Five years after Katrina, an update

2005: 3B Alex Rodriguez: 48, 130, .321
LF Hideki Matsui: 23, 116, .305
RF Gary Sheffield 34, 123, .291
Eliminated, first round of playoffs

2010 (Thus far)

3B Arod: 21, 97, .265
1B Teixeira: 28, 91, .257
Swish 24, 75, .294
Final Outcome: ?

Oh Captain, My Captain: Redux

.272! Is it tendonitis, is it age? Maybe it's Minka's fault. Where's Jessica Biel when you need her?

O CAPTAIN! my Captain! rise up and hit that pill
Rise up—for you the flag is flung—for you the fans to thrill
For you bouquets and ribbon’d wreaths—for you the hot babes a-crowding;
For you they call, their swaying asses, their eager faces turning;
Here Captain! dear Derek!
This flash of tittie to turn your head;
It is some dream that your swing his turned to drek
And you’ve fallen cold and dead.

First Glimpse of Exciting Jay-Z/Yankee clothing lines

You're excited, and we don't blame you! Jay-Z and the Yankees are teaming up to bring fans a new line of authentic, limited edition, collectors item, premium-priced swag.

He's partnered with the championship baseball team to produce a limited run of Jay-Z-endorsed memorabilia, from T-shirts to sweatshirts to fitted caps, to coincide with his and Eminem's performances at Yankee Stadium next month.

Eminem is joining in, too, but sort of as a Kei Igawa back-up in Scranton. Order your duds now, while supplies last!!!

First, the Jay-Z/Yankee Pride T.

And of course, the Eminem/Tough Man Yankee T.

Join the revolution in the signature -- "Fightin da Man" Sweatshirt

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Eff Albert Pujols

UPDATE: "A celebrity appearance at a rally for Glenn Beck does not mean that you are a Republican, or that you want to deport everyone with a mustache, or that you want to see President Obama's birth certificate, or that you think The End Days Are Upon Us: It means you're not paying attention to what's going on. "

Are The Yankees Soon to Become Cinderella or the Maid?

The NY Football Giants began last season as a lock to repeat. They went 5-0 out of the gate, and then collapsed due to injuries and some aging talent.

The Yankees have been " a lock" for the playoffs up until tonight.

But the clock shows 2 minutes before midnight.

We have CC and a "B" team line-up.

We have guys playing third and short ( with Derek at rest) who are great gloves, but can't sustain .200 BA's. They hit opposite field singles when lucky. Doubles require puddles.

AJ is frightful. Andy is precarious. Hughes is bordering on pitch limits. Nova and Mosely are rolls of the dice.

Derek is limping. A-Rod is limp. Berkman is Nick Johnson. Swish is hurting. Thames can't catch. Jorge is soldiering on but getting slower with every pitch. His defense is scary. Cervelli will soon be hitting .218.

Cliff Lee is 1-6 in the AL.

Tick Tock.

The Lennon Sisters Singing Melodie D'Remorse

Melodie d'remorse, our pennant dreams appear to be over
Shoo shoo little rays, our rotation really blows
Melodie d'remorse, serenade but then take cover
Shoo shoo little bird, Cash should just eat crow
Sorry fans, it's too late  (very, very late),
Andy won't make the date, (make the date).
AJ just doesn't care , (doesn't care),
Eiland can't make him aware (make him aware).
For when he makes a start, how it hurts my heart.
So, fly, oh, fly away and say that I hope and pray,
This tearful melody (will bring better days to me.)

Not With A Rotation Of CC Sabathia, Ivan Nova And The Lennon Sisters.....

As mentioned by El Duque...for those of you too young to remember the Lennon Sisters.

Letter to the Editor: Will Root in Exchange for Intolerance

Naples Daily News (Florida)
August 28, 2010 Saturday

Editor, Daily News:

I am a Boston native and I never thought I'd say this:

I pledge to be a New York Yankees fan for one season in support of all New York construction workers who refuse to build the mosque near ground zero.

- Laurel Cordeiro

AJ cannot be fixed

Yet we are the ones who have been castrated!

Why do I get the feeling that David Paterson isn't going to have to worry about getting illegal World Series tickets this year?

They're saying he pulled a Roger Clemens when they questioned him about the freebies.

Yeesh. Ease up, American justice system. Since when are you so highfalutin perfect?

It's not like the guy saw the game. It's not like he read the fine print on the ticket. He probably thought the Mets were playing Florida.

And it's not going to happen again. Not with a rotation of CC Sabathia, Ivan Nova and the Lennon Sisters. We are soooooooo dead right now that I'm starting to worry about Boston.

Do you believe it? We're starting to look over our shoulders and worry about the Youkilisless, Pedroialess, Papi-juiceless Redsocks. If we collapse and lose to them... folks...



AJ To Dine With Old Teammate Chan Ho

Ivan Nova Comments On AJ's Performance

As John and Suzie have said, "That rookie has shown a lot of character" For translating assistance

Friday, August 27, 2010

Chicago, Chicago That Toddlin' Town

Chicago, Chicago that toddling town
Chicago, Chicago I will show you around - I blew it
Bet your bottom dollar I'll come unglued in Chicago, Chicago
The town that Ozzie Guillen couldn't shut down.
On 35th Street, that great street, I just want to say
They do things they don't do when I was a Jay
The sox scored nine, in three and a third
The sad reality is, they gave me the bird
In Chicago, Chicago my lost town

Inappropriate way of telling those 33 trapped Chilean miners that they'll be down there until Christmas, No. 3

"Hey guys, guess what! You've got a chance to make the Guinness Book of Word Records!"

This Is Just Sad

Syracuse Chiefs' Strasburg Giveaway

If Strasburg had stayed in Syracuse... oh well...

The famed surgeon Tommy John is going to cut him.

Eighteen months.

They HAD to rush him, didn't they... They couldn't bring him along slowly. What was it, eight starts in the minors and then -- whoosh -- straight to the show?

Eighteen months.

They were like little kids who received a great toy for Christmas, then left it out in the rain.

Inappropriate way of telling those 33 trapped Chilean miners that they'll be down there until Christmas, No. 2

"Don't worry, guys ... you'll be out in time to see Stephen Strasburg's next start!!!!"

Inappropriate way of telling those 33 trapped Chilean miners that they'll be down there until Christmas No. 1

"Guys, we're on our way! But first, everybody join in: TEN BILLION BOTTLES A BEER ON THE WALL, TEN BILLION BOTTLES A BEER, TAKE ONE DOWN, PASS IT AROUND..."

Dining This Weekend In Tampa Bay

Tonight, Chlamydia goes to war against Herpes; Six outcomes we need...

North Korea vs. Iran.
Lindsay vs. Paris.
Phlegm vs. Lymph.

Frankly, with our current rotation, it's hard to imagine beating either of these teams. Hopefully, they can drop the nuclear bomb on each other and mutually self-destruct. Here's what we need.

1. Tampa to sweep: Yeah, we'll fall out of first, but a sweep would have Boston wobbling like a plate on a stick in a Cub Scout talent show. Screw Tampa, but let's ditch the Redsocks ASAP. Otherwise, we have to play those three final games of the season in a broiler.

2. Beanball war.  C'mon, don't these teams hate each other? Doesn't Tampa know what Terry Francona called them the other day? He said they were "cheap, mutherfucking, shitass, dooshbag, chickenshit dickweeds." That's what he said. I was there. He threw in the n-word too. C'mon, Rays. When a guys says that kinda stuff, you gotta throw at somebody's cranium.

3. Marathons. We're talking extra inning games, 15 frames apiece, with scores worthy of a Patriots-Jets shootout. Give the fans their money's worth.

4. Hurricane. Hamstring weather, people. (Yes, it's tough indoors, but holes in roofs have been known to occur, am I right, New Orleans?)

5. Eggs Benedict. Have another plate, Papi. Sunnyside up! Mmmm-mm. Think of that training scene from "Rocky," Josh. Down the hatch.

6. To the victor, the spoils. Lady Gaga to the winning team's clubhouse. Lindsay Lohan, come on down! What was that about Chlamydia v. Herpes? This weekend, they could both be our allies.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Scranton-Wilkes Barre Magic Number

Coming Soon To A Theater Near You

Fuel Gauge Reads Between Empty and Vapor Dust

The Yanks' supersonic jet limped out of Toronto yesterday with the engine just barely still turning over.

Luckily, this series is behind us and we have a chance to refuel.

But the tanker ships are getting more difficult to find, and the inclement and unpredictable weather of September looms.

We have not distanced ourselves from those who would do us harm during August.

We have wasted precious fuel flying in circles.

We have added another under .200 hitting rookie. We have brought on Super Nova.

I keep knocking on the fuel gauge needle hoping it is stuck.

10 Reasons We Can't Beat Toronto

We're 5-7 against them, our worst record against any team. Why?

1. Players can't get over suspicion of being cheated on currency exchange.

2. Blue Jays pride selves on endless supply of no-name pitchers.

3. It's not Tampa or Boston, so why bother?

4. Retractable roof mezmerizing. How can they do that!

5. Can't hit with tears in eyes following incredible Celine Dion performance.

6. Players' stuffed animals confiscated at border.

7. Who can hit during a snow storm?

8. Vernon Wells still bitter that Yanks wouldn't take him as salary dump.

9. Team loses focus after visits to "Canadian ballet."

10. Proximity to Buffalo.

Yanks Lose To Baldy And Cecil

Once again, after a night of home run derby, the Yankee bats were as potent as this lame 60's cartoon. Speaking of baldy, I think the bleacher report had the right idea back in 2008.

Jose We Can See

Jose now we see that our trade was not right
You've so proudly been hailed as a  talent revealing
Though your broad wears stripes and you're no brain with bright lights
O'er the Marte we've watched he's not so appealing

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

Letter to the Editor: Rush's views on George were racist!

Palm Beach Post (Florida)

August 20, 2010 Friday
Dear Editors,
With all the talk about talk-show host Laura Schlessinger and the n-word, I remember an article in The Post, "Limbaugh answers back: Lighten up!" (July 15), about Rush Limbaugh responding to criticism of his calling the late New York Yankees owner George Steinbrenner a "cracker."

Mr. Limbaugh makes his living, speaking to the Republican right wing, as well as tea party members, by vilifying Democrats, non-Republicans and celebrities. His use of language speaks for itself. If he were a political satirist, perhaps his choice of words would be acceptable in specific venues. Mark Twain, Will Rogers, Tom Lehrer, George Carlin, Jon Stewart and Steven Colbert expose(d) both celebrities and politicians (of both parties), but were/are clearly not racist.

As someone once said: If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, looks like a duck, it is a duck. Mr. Limbaugh claims, "It's all in jest ... It's my stock in trade: Illustrating the absurd by being absurd." Any discerning person would agree that Mr. Limbaugh talks like a racist, and is a racist.

North Palm Beach

Bud Selig Honored in Milwaukee With Lifelike Statue

As a tribute to one of the wealthiest owners in baseball and eternal Grand Poobah of MLB, the citizens of Wisconsin have finally erected a permanent tribute to this native son.

Having worked his way up in the family from total nerd to favored son to esteemed trustee, Bud ( who adopted this name "of the people" so that his given, family name would offend fewer Republican fans who work in gas stations, car dealerships, and such ) took his inheritance and built a fine office.

After several interviews in this fine office, Bud assured all the other MLB owners that he would always favor money over fans. Shortly thereafter, and because he had nothing else to do, he was named "Commissioner of Baseball."

His accomplishments so far include;

- taking payroll tax money from the Yankees and re-investing nothing in his team;

- supporting the exploitation of pre-teen baseball wannabees in numerous Latin sovereign nations;

- promoting new stadiums with lethal security, luxury boxes and high definition TV rooms for Dick Cheney, Newt Gingrich, Rush Limbaugh, and Sarah Palin.

- bringing the first $84 steak sandwiches to the ballpark;

- insisting on "yellow mustard" at all condiment stations;

- promoting the 12 ounce, $14 beer from Wisconsin breweries ( allowing Coors only in the Colorado Rockies' stadium);

- threatening to sue You-Tube for hosting John Sterling "Yankees's Win" warbles, invented by "It Is High, It Is Far" geniuses who, formerly, were members of the free press.

Soon, I think, one of the Fugazy Brothers will begin offering a bus tour that starts at this statue in Milwaukee and ends in the badlands.

So here's to the super sausage of the year.

Topped off, of course, with yellow mustard.

Shaughnny's Johnny bleat: Mwahhhh

He can't understand why Johnny Damon remembers being called Judas.

He can't understand why Johnny Damon recalls being lied to by the front office.

Open Letter to Yankees: TRADE FOR JOHNNY DAMON... NOW

Somebody needs to get hurt. Somebody needs to take one for the team. (Not a big injury. Think impacted wisdom tooth.) Gardner, Granderson, either of you guys ever have measles? Now's the time.

We need an excuse to trade for Johnny Damon, the Yankee Play Man.

Lance Breakdown did his part. So did Nick Johnson II. Now, it's up to somebody, anybody, to come down with something.

We need to trade for Johnny Damon, the truest, bluest ex-Yankee of them all.

Today, the Yankiverse can look out on Johnny and channel the words of Sally Fields, when accepting her second Oscar for Norma Jean, or maybe it was for Flying Nun: "You like me, you really like me."

He likes us. He really likes us.


If You Knew Suzie

According to this guy
Who heard from this guy
I have got a sweetie known as Suzie
In the words of Wade Boggs she's a "wow"
Though all the boys may know her, too
I'd like to shout right now

If you knew Suzie, like I know Suzie
Oh! Oh! Oh! What a girl
There's none so brassy
As this aged lassie
Oh! Oh! Driven by Jeep, what a chassis
We went "riding," she didn't balk
Back from a road trip
I'm the one could barely walk
If you knew Suzie, like I know Suzie
Oh! Oh! What a girl!

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

"According to this guy, [REDACTED] was banging all kinds of Yankees."

Deadspin's Tips Forum has a juicy bit of "quadruple hearsay" from a tipster who names names! 

HINT: it's someone you know!

What Did I Say About The Yankee's "B" Team?

I'm sorry, but I have to say this again.

A line-up with Nunez, Pena, Cervelli and nearly anyone else cannot hit when it matters or score runs and, therefore, will not win if our pitchers give up one run or more.

Yesterday, the "B" team put up their best numbers of the season ( 2 runs; 5 hits?), but it wasn't enough.

Nova should have hit Batista.

Who cares about a high fastball over the plate? Batista didn't even have to duck, although he did.

Hit him. Shut up his mouth. What are they going to do in retaliation, hit Pena?

And why is it that when other teams face our AAA guys for the first time, we don't seem to ever win?

Nova pitched well.

He just wasn't as good as the previously 0-7 Bullringer, Bullpond, Bullfeather, Koufax, or whatever his name is or was.

Tick tock.

I hear the Rays and the Red Turds.