Wednesday, June 30, 2010

10 Yankee Questions the GOP Should Ask Elena Kagan

1. Where do you stand on Lowe v. Wang?

2. In your opinion, should the 2005 Damaso Marte-Xavier Nady trade be overturned?

3. Does the U.S. Constitution give an owner the right to ban facial hair?

4. Would you characterize yourself as a Yogi Berra judge, or a Billy Martin judge?

5. Nowhere in your entire paper trail is there one comment or reference regarding the 2004 trade for and subsequent re-signing of Alex Rodriguez. It is as if the entire file was scrubbed clean of potentially controversial statements. Why did you so painstakingly avoid this particualr issue and, to clear the air now, what are your opinions on Arod?

6. You have vowed to listen to both sides of every argument before issuing a decision. Does this mean you would stand on the mound of Yankee Stadium, with 55,000 people cheering and a national TV audience waiting, and allow a clearly overwhelmed AJ Burnett attempt to talk you out of bringing the hook?

7. Do you have empathy for Dustin Pedroia, and, if so, would this affect your abilities to deliver an effective strategy for ending this problem?

8. What should Americans reasonably expect Colin Curtis, Ramiro Pena and you to issue from the bench?

9. Should Major League Baseball be allowed to in any way limit the Yankees' Constitutional right to pursue and bear arms?

10. What does goes on in the locker room of those girl softball teams?

Here's the result of saving Phil Hughes' innings by skipping a start

World Cup to hire Joe West

BREAKING _ Hoping to mollify critics, FIFA has signed MLB umpire Joe West to call goals and strikes in the final rounds of the 2010 World Cup.

The veteran arbitor said he's delighted with the chance to showcase his seeing-eye skills, especially because  the game of soccer moves along much more quickly, to his liking. In fact, West confessed that he's been watching FIFA games on a mini-screen TV throughout the last four weeks, and he often yells "Goaaaaal!" instead of "Out!" because he has forgotten where he is.

West (pictured right, celebrating a recent goal by the now-eliminated North Korea) is revered by MLB for costing the Yankees the 2005 World Championship by refusing to call an obvious Mike Mussina strikeout of Angels outfielder Steve Finley, in a critical situation against the Anaheim Angels of Los Angeles. The call broke the Yankees' backs, allowing the Chicago White Sox to win what West called "the World Cup of baseball."

FIFA officials said they hired West because he represented the only change that could possibly make the current system look competent.

"There has been a lot of talk about moving to an upgraded, American style system," a FIFA official said. "Well, here's an American system. Let's see how they like this."

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Here's an idea: Granderson and somebody for Cliff Lee

I'd throw in Vasquez or AJ Burnett, just to open a slot for Lee, because I figure one of them will be hurt or awful come September, so we'll need the guy. And we certainly don't need him pitching against us.

Brackman would make a lot of sense. He's on a current upswing in value, so who knows -- Seattle might like the "Big Unit" tradition and bite on the deal.

But, seriously -- (yeah, right) -- does anybody reading this blog think Curtis Granderson has a future with this team, beyond September? He simply cannot hit lefites. When we get to the post-season, when we face well rounded bullpens, he is late-inning toast. We might have to pinch hit for him. We might have to platoon him. You can't play CF for the Yankees and not hit lefties. Brett Gardner is our 2011 CF. Our left fielder next year is probably playing in Philadelphia now, Jason Werth. Unless Curtis turns it around in the second half -- hello, Kevin Long? -- we'll end up trading him, next fall, calling it a failed experiment, and moving on a free agent.

Would Seattle take him as central lugnut in a Cliff Lee deal? Probably dreaming.

What do you know, Joseph?


Cash says he won't gut system. But will we see the 4-Tease?

Future Yankee Cliff Lee is approaching, with the AL post-season in the balance. It's like someone offering to sell a Gatling Gun to the constestants of a knife fight. Listen carefully, you hear the tapping of metal on the walls of a coal mine in Scranton, signaling for Cashman to trade Jesus Montero. And why not? We have Cervelli. We have Austin Romine. We have that Sanchez kid way down there, and he's supposed to be The New Jesus anyway.

Yesterday, Cash said he wouldn't gut the farm system for Lee, but Cash quotes have no currency, and it's all about defining the phrase "gut the farm system" anyway. The Yankee machine is good at the 4-Tease.

Take 'em, tout 'em, trade 'em, trash 'em.

Case in point: Jose Tabata.

At 17, Jose was our best OF prospect. Five tool. Future star. Nobody suggested he was older. Nope. Says 17 on birth certificate. He homered in spring training. The video went viral. But in July 2008, we needed a boost, so we dealt him with Ross Ohlendorf, Jeff Karstens, and Daniel McCutchen for Xavier Nady and Dámaso Marte.

Hard to get a fix on that deal. Nady washed out. Marte seemed a total washout until last October. Ohlendorf has been an excellent pitcher for Pittsburgh, but he hurt himself this year and is 0-6 with a high ERA. Karstens is Karstens. McCutchen is still evolving. The remaining intangible is Jose Tabata. If he becomes a star, the deal becomes a disaster.

Immediately after the trade, the Yankee spin cycle began. Tabata hadn't run out grounders -- they all go through that phase. He didn't have power. Four tool. Then he became a punchline for marrying a woman 23 years older than he is, and she was arrested for kidnapping a baby from a shopping mall. If anything, getting him out of New York City was probably a mercy-killing. (NOTE: We at IIH official condemn the trading of punchlines. WE NEED PUNCHLINES.)

BUT... no joke: Ttwo weeks ago, Tábata reached the majors. He singled in his first at bat, later stole second. Last night his big hit won the game for Pittsburgh. He is 21 -- (at least that's what they claim; now that he's with Pittsburgh, we're much more inclined to think he's 37.) He's had 70 ABs with the Pirates and is batting .257. One HR.

Tabata won't reach peak foliage until age 24-27.

Montero is 20 at Triple A.

If Cash deals him, get ready for the 4-Tease.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Goobie Joe


The Master Is Under Attack

The Bearded Bleater is whining about the Shakespearian ad copy read during games by John and Suzyn -- messages that not only help the Yankees buy free agents, but also help drivers save up to 15 percent on their car insurance. That's right. Fifteen percent -- for a fifteen minute call!

But Murdoch's "Palin for President" Post doesn't want you to save any money. No. They want you to waste money on car insurance and not even keep your family safe and secure. The GOP Gazettes -- which knocked down restrictions on placing advertisements in political campaigns -- have problems with too many ads during Yankee games  

SuperFrankenstein told me yesterday he listened to a half-hour of Vin Scully calling the Friday's game and had to turn it off. Not one advertisement in the whole shebang. Obviously, Scully cannot be trusted with ad copy. What a joke. No wonder they have Jeff Weaver! They're driven by Cheap.

Avengers, Assemble! Our leader is under attack!  

10 Reasons Why We Have the Worst Record in Baseball

1. We're too old.

2. Our No. 3 hitter is batting .229.

3. Arod is having worst year of his career.

4. Granderson hitting just .237.

5. Chan Ho Park looking like a washout.

6. Curtis? Huffman? Pena? Russo? No experience on bench.

7. Jorge can't catch, and Jesus of Columbus-Wilke Barre not ready.

8. In fairness to team, we've suffered many injuries.

9. Joba too inconsistent. 

10. Can't trade for Cliff Lee -- no place to put him.


Sunday, June 27, 2010

AJ will be "fixed."

Good idea!

A.J. needs Royal Jelly

Unlike other Yankee blogs, which merely whine after losses and take credit for victories, we at IT IS HIGH pride ourselves on taking an active interest in enhancing the performance and experiences of our livestock. And today, like every sentient being in the Yankiverse, we're worried about A.J. Burnett.

He looks tired, sluggish, bumbling -- and he's suffering from the Apri Javys. He needs a boost. He needs a supplement that won't force Bud Selig's to appear in sunshine -- and thus explode.

He needs Royal Jelly.

Long ago while dining in Amish Country, facing a mound of flapjacks the size of an oil drum, we read the placemat that changed our lives. It extolled nature's greatest secret: the power of the bees. Einstein used Royal Jelly while formulating relativity. Christopher Columbus survived the trip across the Atlantic on nothing else. Dudley Moore used it during the filming of the hit-movie "Arthur." Royal Jelly comes from bees, who go about their furry business with Yankeelike pride and power. Every bee is Derek Jeter, running out grounders, making the play, saying the right words in the post-game interview.

After a few dollops of Royal Jelly, we achieved a new, more enhanced and robust reality. We had to pull off the side of the road. Of course, the Amish had seen it all before -- they understand nature -- but it usually occurred in the pasture, not the Ford Maverick.

The Royal Jelly complex includes bio-active compounds, with a wide array of naturally evolving ingredients, including 10-HDA -- which is found nowhere else in nature! In 1989, after the Yankees traded Al Leiter for Jesse Barfield, Royal Jelly proved to be only substance that saved Alphonso from leaping off the Tapan Zee Bridge.

It is time for A.J. to forget Dave Eilland. He's not coming back. It's time for Vitamin Bee.

And if that does work, he should try Kansas City Royal jelly.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

Nomar Pedroia

Bustin' Dustin has a paw tucket.

I cannot watch Joe Torre manage against the Yankees

I cannot.

Friday, June 25, 2010

Arlo Gehrig?

Don't trade Phil Hughes, if you please, Mr. Cashman man....

Joe I v Joe II

The Yin and the Yank
The stop and the go
Joe I v Joe II?
Jeez... I donno.

The calm and the storm,
The don't and the do.
Joe I v Joe II.
Both wearing blue.

But you might just say
Joe I is Joe II.
Joe Gordon, you see,
Makes Joe II into III.

And then, furthermore,
Joe II is Joe IV.
Joe II is, you know,
The one called Joltin' Joe.

Or he might be III.
Joe McCarthy, it's known.
Thus, Joe Torre is IV.
If we add Pepitone.

Joe Dugan, you say!
Joe Verbanic? No way!
At a point, just say no
Joe Cowley? No go...

Let's say I against II.
Let's say me against you.
Let's say hale vs. hearty,
Mr. T v. Girardi.

In the game known as fate,
Any Joe can ring true,
Joe I v. Joe II
Both wearing blue.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

So long

Been good to know ya.

Igawa adds to all-time Scranton career strikeout leader status

Kei the K ko'ed two more last night.

What's this "ugly win" crap? Since when are we passing judgement on victory

Wait a minute. Postings of the day say we won "ugly." Since when is a win ugly?

If we're going to start assigning value judgements to wins, will we celebrate a pretty loss?

2001: A Space Odyssey... 2010: The Year Arizona Doesn't Make Contact

First off, fuckum. Fuck the desert, fuck the Buck (Showalter), fuck Arizona.
If they think we will ever forgive and forget them using "New York, New York" as their 2001 World Series victory taunt, fuckum. I let the car idle all night, just to pump out hydrocarbons, knowing their pet dogs this August will step out onto the driveway and burst into flames, while it just means less shoveling next January in Syracuse. Wildfires burning out of control near Tucson? Oh, well, maybe they should think about what they do next time they win the World Series, in 2059. Fuckum. Turn up the A.C. Burn, babies, burn.

Secondly, Mariano Rivera -- greatest human being in history -- last night pulled off the impossible, Biblical, Son of God-like escape -- (albeit 9 years too late to avoid Arizona's hateful taunts.
Bases loaded, no outs, 10th inning.
One run lead.
He gets out of it.
We need some supergenius, like Kurt Russell in the Computer Wore Tennis Shoes movies, who can hack their stadium P.A. and blast, "New York, New York" at airplane decibels whenever Arizona loses.
For once, the sequel beat the opener.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Syracuse: The Day the Earth Didn't Stand Still

Did you hear they put a new roof on the Carrier Dome?
Shake shingles.

Did you hear John Sterling's new song?
"Here comes Trembley."

Do you know what movie was playing at the Carousel Center?
Shudder Island.

You know what folks will serve for breakfast tomorrow in Toronto?
Quaker Oats.

Who's catching tonight?
Jorge Pulsate-o.

Baltimore: Keep your stinking Ty Wiggington

Listen: The trade deadline is hitting fast, and already every mediocre franchise out there with a lifeless appendage that happens to be having a decent year is looking to move the bum, before reality returns, and his average takes the last train to Horace Clarkeville. And now, the Yankiverse supposedly is investing good ether into the notion that we should cough up another prospect -- yes, another prospect -- for none other than Ty Wingnutton.


We don't need no stinkin' Wingigngton.


Save the prospects. We're in first. Let the lessers trade their futures. Let's keep Jesus. Let's keep Austin. Hell, I'm in a good mood, ladies and gents -- I say, LET'S KEEP BRACKMAN, even though the bum will probably once again start walking batters the way Jessica Simpson eats Cheetos.




Stars fell on Arizona

Last night.

10 Reasons Why Boston Wants to Bring Manny Ramirez Back

That's the Nation's buzz: Manny coming home. Why would they do it?

1. New team focus on speed and fielding.

2. Teammates miss his "energy drinks."

3. City seeking rolly-polly, happy, goodwill ambassador to back up Papi.

4. Currently, team officials must pay top-dollar prostitutes to experience being pissed on.

5. Who needs people running out grounders?

6. Fearful Yankees will snag him for fifth DH.

7. They miss Boston Herald 48-point headlines.

8. Team traveling secretary needs to be punched out.

9. Manny swears he won't play hooky again.

10. Hey, it beats electing Curt Schilling to Congress.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

A.J. and McChrystal... separated at birth?

Is there a difference?

Futures Pilots Wash Their Hands of Jesus

He won'teth be playing in the Futures Game.

Austin and Hector hath surpassed the one true lord and Montero in worldly potential.

So sayeth the scouteths.

So long

So long.


Been drivin' all night my hands' wet on the reins

Nice job, A-hole!

You douchebag you.

10 Reasons Why We Love Arizona

1. Their beautiful 60-year old women. The skin reminds me of my first catcher's mitt.

2. Cowboy hats on realtors. 

3. Randy Johnson. I still cherish that pivotal playoff game when he pitched for us against Detroit. How many runs did he give up? Five, six? Aww, who's counting!

5. Mark Grace. Everybody loves him, and he loves everybody back. He loves you, right now, reading this. He's a sweetheart, you know.

6. The political movement of, "Mr. Gorbachev, put up that wall!" Bravo, America! Surround the entire state.

7. Don't they have those marching ants armies that devour everything in their path? I love them, too.

8. Sand. They have enough in abundance to supply America with all her sand needs.

9. John McCain's daughter. She's the perky-quirky, fresh young face of the new Republican (Don't say George W!) Party!

10. Blacktop. Oh, I love how it bubbles and oozes under the summer sun. A hundred and twenty? Let's play two!

Monday, June 21, 2010


I wonder if Arizona will play "New York, New York" again tonight... as they did in 2001, in the most disgraceful display of bad sportsmanship in the history of baseball

Yes, we have not forgotten what they did -- Showalter, Garigiola and company -- every one them with an axe to grind, burning white-hot with Yankee hatred in that foul, burning, lifeless hell known as Arizona.

No sooner had the World Series ended -- a great seven game battle, with comebacks and heroes on both sides, a month after 9/11, no less -- and they taunted the defeated, valiant Yankees by playing "New York, New York" on their public address system, while the players basked in their acidic glory on the field.

The Redsocks never did such a thing. The Mets never did such a thing. The Iranians never did such a thing. In movies where they attack Earth, the aliens never did such a thing.

Arizona did such a thing.

Then, later, when Curt Schilling was being shopped around, the cheap bastards wanted from us Nick Johnson and Alphonso Soriano. They would accept nothing less -- from us. After we told them to go drink a cup of cold piss, then went and dealt the Schill to Boston for a bucket of fried chicken. No, they did not ask for Hanley Ramirez. No, they did not ask for Jon Lester. They wrangled... Casey fucking Fossum.

Later, we took Randy Johnson off their grubby, gism-laden hands, after the cheap, weasily bastards decided he wasn't worth the money they were paying him. They secretly told him, "Get inside the Yankee clubhouse and be the biggest malcontent on the team. Attack a camera man on the streets of New York City. Pitch poorly in a pivotal game of the playoffs. Ruin them, and then you can return to your home in the desert, where the jackals eat the hearts of city people. Muwahahaha."

And Randy Johnson followed orders.

I hate those bastards. They can suck on all their white sand, they can eat their iguana meat and get burned by stepping barefoot on the asphalt in their driveways. They played "New York, New York" to taunt us a minute after the World Series ended. There's a reason everybody hates them. They're fuckers.

Excerpts from Lady Gaga's visit to the Yankee clubhouse

NEW YORK -- Lady Gaga can still visit Yankee Stadium — she's just gotta follow the ground rules.

While in the clubhouse, she reportedly drank whiskey while wearing a bikini bottom and a pinstriped jersey that was unbuttoned to reveal her bra. Several Yankees, including Robinson Cano and Alex Rodriguez visited with her.

1. "... so I told Leno, 'Jesus Christ, you activated the bra! Get back, everybody, these nipples are about to fire!'"
2. "... This? Nahh, it's no designer codpiece. It's a dried wad of Kleenex I found in the subway."
3. "... I hate to break this to you, Alex, but Madonna gave me a pap smear just like that."
4. "... Sure, Swish, I'd love to autograph it, but shouldn't we go somewhere private?"
5. "... So which one of you is Melky?"
6. "... Of course it hurts! Jesus Christ! You try performing with a whole pineapple wedged up your crotch! You'll know what I mean..."
7. "... Joe, you're wrong. Lenn Sakata's trouble was the outside breaking ball. If he could have laid off it, his OBP could have risen by 30 points, and he'd have played another five years..."
8. "...  Katie Perry? Get that shit off the box! Fucking hag looks like Yogi Berra!"
9. "... so I said, 'Joey, Joey, Joey, the puffed rice only needs to hide my crotch. The cheese string will cover the tits. How hard is that to understand?"
10. "... Hold on, Mo, I gotta take this call. It's Regis."

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Meet the Jeetles

I watched a game today oh boy...

10 Reasons Why Lady Gaga is a Yankee Fan

1. Music originally influenced by singing of Ronan Tynan.

2. Lost virginity to Mel Hall.

3. Sparks-emitting bras only sold in midnight blue.

4. Loves to watch players out there, skating on the ice.

5. Bought first-ever thong from man who looked like Yogi Berra.

6. Still angry over catching clap from Dustin Pedroia.

7. Stole John Sterling's winwarble for chorus of "Poker Face."*

8. Hey, if Arod was good enough for Madonna...

9. Those pills from Roger Clemens cured her clamidia.

10. Katie Perry is Met fan.

*Which we would play for you, if not for MLB copyright brownshirts.

Letter to the Editor: Why the Yankees = George W. Bush

The Post Standard (Syracuse, NY)

June 15, 2010 Tuesday

To the Editor:

After reading Beth Head's response to Alan Pack's letter in the June 6 edition of The Post-Standard, I am sick and tired of people blaming the previous administration for the situation happening in the Gulf right now.

George W. Bush left office 17 months ago. Sooner or later, President Obama and the current administration need to take some accountability and start to take some action rather than blaming his predecessor.

There's a saying: Either you're part of the solution or part of the problem. It seems that since this oil rig explosion, President Obama has been doing more of the latter than the former. Keep in mind that when you point a finger at someone you have three fingers pointing right back at you.

Ms. Head, let me ask you something: Should the Yankees fail to repeat as World Series champs this year, should we blame Bush for that as well? Think about it.

Troy Allen

Saturday, June 19, 2010

New face of the Yankees

So now Derek finally limps off with a bruised heel.

Just shows what too many hits over too many years can do. That heel pounding on base after base will take a toll.

So today we should have Russo at third, Pena at short, Cervelli or Moeller catching, Gondorf in left, Ken Phelps in center and Alex, Jorge and CC Sabathia at DH.

I think Hughes and Pelfry will both pitch brilliantly.

But the Yanks will continue their inability to hit the ball when it matters. Tex alone might leave ten guys on base.

We won it all last year. Our 27th championship of the world.

Let's be happy for that.

It has to collapse one day. A team can't play well at the championship level when all its stars have been playing for 36+ years. The grind wears down human molecules.

And when the best players remaining in your system are the Russo's, Gondorf's and Mark Melancon's of baseball, you can assign someone to turn out the lights.

I'll say this one more time; the Yankees have no prospects. If Cashman panics, as he did with Austin Jackson, Matsui and Damon, we are in danger of becoming the Knicks.

The optimist in me wants to say, " just because we no longer have any teeth does not mean we can't still enjoy some luke warm oatmeal or jello."

But we are going to be taking an early afternoon nap, come October.

Stats in Clippard-Albaladejo deal favor Yankees

Some people have whined that the Yankees were taken by dealing Tyler "The Yankee" Clippard to Washington two springs ago for Jonathan "Jessica" Albaladejo. Not so fast.

Numbers don't lie, buckos, and check these out:

Albaladejo: 29 ganes, 23 saves, 44 strikeouts, 1.10 ERA.
Clippard: 35 games, 1 save, 51 strikeouts, 1.65 ERA.

Close, but you have to go with Alba! Twenty-three saves, incredible!

Mark Teixeira, 2010

Bases loaded, do or die
Crowd gone wild, THUUUUH pitch -- and then…
Infield pop-up, routine fly.
Mark Teixeira… twenty-ten.

Bronx in bedlam, all about.
Yankees rallying again!
Aww, just missed it: long fly out.
Mark Teixeira… twenty-ten.

Yankiverse on bended knee
Praying for one hit: AMEN!
Caught the corner. Call strike three.
Mark Teixeira… twenty-ten.

If the Yankees played only good teams, could they go 0-162?


No MLB franchise has ever gone defeated over a full season, and don't expect it to happen soon!

True, the 2010 Yankee coursers are performing like a team of destiny, with a Liquid Whiteout lineup that could run the table -- as long as they don't face Houston. If this Yankee used Kleenex garage sale played only decent teams -- like the Phillies and Mets -- who knows how bad they could be!

Last night was a perfect, 2010 signature Yankee loss:

1. Flail haplessly at a middling pitcher who has been pummeled by lesser teams.

2. Cede a few runs in the late innings, wrecking hope a comeback.

3. Leave runners in scoring position. 

4. Hit long fly balls. Fans love long fly balls.

5. Rally in the 9th, when it's too late. In critical moment, see #4.

But don't worry, Yankiverse. We still have our full allotment of games against KC.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Dammit, ARod, everybody, here... take this!

Grandy, I've got just the man for you...

Enjoy yourself. When you're sleeping
with Cheney, you're a real Bush Ranger.
And dammit, Arod, you know what you need?
You need to forget the Hollywood starlets and settle
down with a nice life partner.
How about.... Henry Waxman!

10 Reasons Why Cito Culver Signed So Fast

1. Hoping to get tickets to weekend's Subway Series.

2. Another summer in Rochester? No way.

3. Yankees gave 10-minute, take-it-or-leave-it ultimatum.

4. Has always wanted to see Scranton.

5. Saw Jeter go 0-4 last night and wants to help.

6. Had lost bussing job at Nick Tahoe's.

7. Yankees promised to pay in nickels.

8. Hey, that Scott Boras spray-repellent works!

9. Told would receive free iPad with signing.

10. Wanted to be mentioned in IT IS HIGH.

Yankee fan tossed for flashing his vuvuzela

Frankly, this sickens me. Why would somebody go a Yankee game, a family event, and then decide to pull out his vuvuzela and wave it around? Yeah, sure... I play with my vuvuzela during Yankee games, who doesn't? But I do in the dignity and privacy of my own home. I don't bother people. I'll be damned if I want to pay good money and sit in some nosebleed section just to watch a creep who thinks he's got the biggest vuvuzela in the bleachers, showing off in front of my lady! I hope they put the guy and jail and chop his vuvuzela into little bits. MAKE AN EXAMPLE, DAMMIT.

AJ McCoy?

That's how he moved.

Yanks Add fuel To Aging Offense

With nearly everyone under the age of 30 hitting about .230 or lower, the Yanks are re-building and refueling their offensive engines.

Courtesy of Smirnoff, it is expected that Joba and other pitchers will excel at the plate in the upcoming inter-league games.

Russo and Guffman should go 1-24 combined if one of them can scratch out another infield single. By the way, I would keep that Guffman ball if it becomes his only major league hit, otherwise, it is kind of embarrassing.

The Yankee offense reminds me more and more of the USA World Cup team. We somehow steal our way into the big dance ( by beating Trinidad-Tobago in the snow at Columbus, Ohio ? ), but then shoot blanks against real teams. The goal against England being the futbol equivalent of Luis Castillo's pop fly drop last year that let the Yankees beat the Mets.

Our "B" teams are simply impotent.

The Mets will put us six feet under all weekend.

Where is Waldo? With Joba.

10 Reasons Why We Couldn't Hit Again Last Night

1. Needed quick outs to catch all of NBA Championship.

2. That's one way to stop Jamie Moyer's crowing.

3. No much you can do against the great Kyle Kendrick.

4. Players looking to have three days off at All-Star break.

5. Who can hit with Kyrgyzstan in flames?

6. It's fun! Playing without hitters is like riding a bike with no-hands.

7. Team divided over Arod's desire to apologize to BP for Obama "shakedown."

8. Jose Contreras still has those photographs of Jeet and Jorge in Boise.

9. Every loss to Philadelphia hurts the Mets.

10.  Hey, if it's not Roy Halladay, why bother?

Thursday, June 17, 2010

When the Yankees ruled the mascot universe

For two years, we had Dandy...

Mr. Ford's job became even more challenging after Mr. Munson died in a plane crash on August 2, mere days after the mascot made his first appearance. In the wake of that tragedy, Dandy took some time off. "It wasn't the right time to have a mascot who looked like Thurman Munson," Mr. Ford said.

And you thought it was Horace Clarke in there.

One of Mr. Ford's most high-profile gigs turned out to be his last. He said Citibank staged an elaborate corporate pep rally at Madison Square Garden after the season, and Dandy was pegged to be Bill Cosby's warmup act. By the time Mr. Ford donned his costume, grabbed his bat and got ready to hit the stage to the tune of "Johnny B. Goode," the libations had been flowing for hours.

"As soon as the spotlight hit my face, I was completely blinded," Mr. Ford said. "I had no idea where I was, and these bankers were just crazy. Thousands of crazy bankers screaming at me, grabbing hold of me, almost ripping me apart. I felt like an escaped convict."

For such a crappy outing, hey A J Burnett... this Bud's for you!

Bud Burnett.

Tip for 2-nite! Big sports event not to be missed

Check out the last minute of Game Seven of the NBA championships. The teams might be tied. If so, it's worth watching! (Also, you'll catch a glimpse of celebrities seated nearby.)

10 Reasons Why We Didn't Hit Jamie Moyer Last Night

1. Got distracted looking at women while waiting for pitch to arrive.

2. Jeter, Posada, Arod, et al, like idea of 47-year-old still excelling.

3. Sleeping schedules disrupted by World Cup games.

4. Falling far behind only way to get to Brad Lidge.

5. Cannot hit balls thrown by father figure.

6. Lineup not same without Marcus Thames.

7. Letdown inevitable following emotional bloodbath against Astros.

8. Seventy-five miles an hour -- that's Tim Wakefield Country!

9. Who can hit with that oil leak spewing in the Gulf?

10. Still waiting for that last pitch to arrive.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Happy Halladays

Happy halladay, happy halladay
While the homer balls keep soaring
May your ev'ry wish come true
Happy halladay, happy halladay
May the hitless phillies keep bringing
Happy halladays to you...

Come To Halladay Inn
If you're burdened down with groin pulls
If your catchers are wearing thin
Park your load with the trainer
And come to Halladay Inn
If the lack of bench affects you
Like a squeaky violin
Kick some phillie butt and then strutt
And come to Halladay Inn...

Question: If the Yankees played in the National League, would they go undefeated?


Sad as it is to report, the 162-0 season remains an impossible fantasy -- a whimsical childhood illusion -- even if the Yankees played an entire season in Division III. As John Sterling once said, "You can't win them all."

'Tis one o' the vagaries of baseball, as The Master often says, that each day, the two contesting squads begin the game with different hurlers. The starting pitcher -- that is, the pitcher who starts the game -- has an enormous impact on the final outcome. A good starting pitcher means the team has a better chance of winning. A bad starter decreases the chance of victory. 

Also, players often fall into a "slump," or - as it is known in Kansas City - an "off year." Some days, the entire team slumps. When this happens, the likelihood of a defeat increases dramatically. And, as scientists have shown, when the likelihood of defeat increases dramatically, the team is more likely to lose.

So, my friends, best bet: If the Yankees played in the National League, we'd probably lose 8 to 10 games. You can't win them all. Especially with interleague play.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

A special gift for Roy Halladay: A coupling of Bud Selig and Little Debbie

Try pitching with this on your mind.
Our Commissioner earns his $16.5 million a year salary.

Our Jesus may be batting only.233, but he's still better off than theirs

At Columbus-Wilkes Barre, Yankee superprospect catcher/DH Jesus Montero is struggling with the curveball.

But at Monroe, Ohio, Jesus Christ last night took a 95-mph electric beanball straight from the heavens. And He burned all the way to the ground. Gone. We're not talking 30 DL. We're talking: To. The. Ground.

Let's just hope the fire investigators don't find evidence of this being Allah's doing.

Habla habla habla

Es Yunieski Maya, pitcherino macho de los ballbassa, de Cuba (viva Fidel!) uno futuro Yanqui, por favor?

No certainto. Que? 

"Fuentes bien enteradas dijeron a que Boston, Cleveland, Filadelfia, Toronto, los Mets y los Yankees de Nueva York han mostrado interes en negociar con Maya una vez fuera autorizado para firmar."

Good Luck Tonight Ian Kennedy

A key component of last winter's Max Scherzer trade pitches against Boston.

Post this in the Clubhouse: 10 Things We Should Fear at the Solstice

We're tied for first with baseball's best record, and we're 5-up on the only team to worry about.  Nevertheless, be afraid... be very afraid... because....

1. At the rate he's going, Phil Hughes will run out of innings in August. We can start holding him back, which messed up Joba last season. Or we can pitch Phil until he runs out of gas. Neither option is good. He's been our breakout player. We have to be careful. If a leak develops, do we have a contingency plan to build a relief well?

2. Hate to say it, but Jorge has not been an effective defensive catcher. He's proud, he's tough, and he won't embarrass himself. Ever. But these injuries are nagging at him. He might be a fulltime DH. When Nick gets healthy, we'll have two.

3. Tex hasn't been the same since opposing teams started those huge, Giambian overshifts. It's almost as if he pulls the ball harder, trying to blast it through the stacked-up defensive allignment. He's gotta adjust, or else he's a .250 hitter the rest of the way.

4. We still don't know who pitches the 7th and 8th innings in a critical game. It's amazing that we've gotten this far without such a person, but when we go back to facing Division I teams, we'll be back to Square One -- running David, Damaso and Joba out there, and wondering if we'll see Dooley, Tanyon and Edwar. Last year, around this time, Phil Hughes became the bullpen stud we'd missed since the early days of Flash Gordon. Somebody has to step forward. Until then, we're throwing darts -- rather than the pitchers.

5. We haven't had a breakout minor league prospect. Don't worry about Jesus Montero -- he's too young, and maybe it's good to see him humbled; that notion of the Messiah not running out grounders didn't sit well. But last year, we sat in awe as Montero ripped through A and AA, and we were even spoiled with Austin Jackson, who hit .300 at Scranton, while we carped about lack of power. This year, our system looks flat. Is this the results of trading too many prospects (Arodys, Ajax, Tabata, etc.), making too many hail Mary picks (Brackman, Cole, Betances, etc.)  or a system that is simply overhyped by its blogger base? (IT IS HIGH, etc.)

6. Love the guy, but Robbie won't bat .370. This is his breakout year. But he's not 370. He's got a slump or two in him, and unless Tex figures it out, and Arod gets healthy, we'll have a hole bigger than Lindsay Lohan's dad in our lineup when Robbie falls to .320.

7. Some big boys will go the trade block soon, and the three-way daisy chain in the AL East will be dramatically altered. Both Tampa and Boston have more young players to burn. Hate to say it, but they sit in better positions to deal. If we chase somebody (hello, Mr. Lee?) we will have to tear apart our team.

8. Curtis Granderson has not resembled the all-star he was in Detroit. Yeah, the groin tweak hurt him. But it's the lefty thing that has us tweaked. He doesn't look confident. Boston will bring in Okajima. Tampa will bring in the Choatster. What will we do, pinch hit Marcus Thames? Yeesh.

9. Didn't want to mention Arod. How can you not? The groin, the hip, the mysterious Canadian doctor, the whole Cameron Diaz thing. He's a walking tabloid cover. That's OK -- when he's hitting. But this season is not going well. One of these days, the accumulation of injuries and distractions will take him down. You can't figure love -- but let me tell you: I wouldn't have left Kate, not after winning the World Series. NEVER CHANGE UNDERWEAR IN A HOT STREAK. He changed underwear.

10. Mo. Games don't just end with Mo. They start and end with Mo. Our mini-collapse three weeks ago came after Mo failed to hold down Boston. When Mo catches a cold, this team sneezes. He's pitching all right... but last year, if Mo went down, we'd have gone with Hughes in a heartbeat. This year... we're not the same team... Mo is a year older. That's what we must fear.

Monday, June 14, 2010


The Yankees have surpassed (Melissa) Manchester United as the A-list team for humanity.

Here are the latest rankings for most powerful brands in all of manhood.

1. New York Yankees.
2. Manchester United.
3. Crips
4. Electric Light Orchestra (1983)
5. Knights Templar of the Deathly Hallows
6. Hell's Angels motorcycle club
7. Hollywood "Junior Ratpack," CEO Ben Stiller.
8. International Brotherhood of Teamsters, Local 537, Toledo, Ohio.
9. Illuminati.
10. TIE: Fox News Sunday All-Star Discussion Panel & International ManBoy Love Association

Everybody Eats

Inspired by the great Cab Calloway...

Houston Astros, Come Back, Please

You’re my solar, Brian Moeller!

You’re intense, old Hunter Pence!
Oswalt, you’re the highest roller!
Houston… playing you makes sense!

Sing a-cappella, Tom Manzella!
Just let it be, Carlos Lee!
Lance Berkman, such a happy fella!
Houston… such a joy to see!

Have a bagel, Casey Daigle!
With cream cheese, Pedro Feliz!
I wish the schedule we’d finagle,
Houston Astros… come back, please!

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Congratulations, Jorge Posada, on your grand slam. Here's your Little Debbie

Remember, she's actually over 40.
Kitty plays were her food.
Little weird on the hair. But I like the ears.

For his two home runs yesterday, Derek Jeter receives... Little Debbie!

We at IT IS HIGH congratulate Derek and hope he and his prize will be happy.
(Their daughter, though, can use a shave.)

Before you start whining about a Yankee-child encounter,
remember that Little Debbie is 46.
That makes her the cougar and Derek the snack cake,
wouldn't you say?

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Joba meets Little Debbie

Mmm. That's one handsome girl.

Att: David

Just don't buy the Angler Fish, you idiot!

You don't want the Clown Fish anyway.

Problem solved!

Good job last night, Joba. Now here's your reward: Miley Cyrus!

From now on, our IT IS HIGH YANKEE PLAYER OF THE GAME will receive something far more coveted that a Polio Cheese Basket or Little Debbie Snack Bag.

We will bestow upon this lucky Yankee


Last night, Joba Chamberlain came in with runners on second and third and one out. He gave up a fly ball, which scored a run. Then he struck out Lance Berkman. For that fine work -- at considerable expense -- we put Joba into our 12x12' Naugahide-walled procreation pen with non-other than a sexually starved, acid-laced, leather-handcuffed star of music and silver screen... Miley Cyrus.

Immediately, Joba liked it.

The result... using morphing techology, of course...
(We actually didn't kidnap these great stars and force them to have sex,
like out-of-work Bear Stearns accountants at a Tijuana cockfight.)

Here she is, Smiley J. Chamberlain.

Eddie Munster, eat your heart out.