Sunday, May 31, 2009

In honor of today's performance, an encore presentation: The Carl Pavano Yankeeography

Sterl Index Plunges; John upset over lead-off walk in 9th

The Sterl Hurl WinWarble Index fell 130 points Sunday, as John turned in a meager 4.66 second Yankee Yodel.

But the big pain comes today: No Tarzanic Triumph Treatment at all... following the walk-off loss to Cleveland.

John was deeply hurt by Phil Coke's ninth inning lead-off walk. You heard it in his voice. In the post-game show, he could barely recap it.

This is not good. Have we tempted fate by naming John the May Employee of the Month?

Remember: April may... but June julies.

John celebrates disputed Employee of Month victory with mediocre WinWarble

Last night, a mere 4.66 seconds.

Did he secretly fear The Curse of the IIH, IIF, IIc "Yankee Employee of the Month " award?

Where Papi Went: The Mystery of "JBO32"

What is the meaning of JBO32?
Through the miracle of Google, we can find the shocking truth of David Ortiz' secret life.

Trouble in paradise: Tampa has Choate

Iconic former Yankee bullpen gascan Randy Choate is now saving the Rays' butts.

Alright: Down on your knees, Yankeefans, and let's pray together to the God of Dooley Womack.
Our Father, who art in Tampa,
Please, please, please...
Do not let them sign Tanyon Sturtze.

Left Behind: Did Big Papi disappear during the rapture?

Boston _ Authorities Saturday were at a loss to explain the sudden disappearance of feared Redsock slugger David Ortiz, other than to say he moved to a new cosmological dimension in what appears to be a form of "rapture-based materiali world transportation." Police investigators (pictured, right) study the uniform of "Papi," which was all that remained after the feared Redsock slugger went 0-4 with two strikeouts. Witnesses say while disrobing in the clubhouse, Ortiz became transparent, weightless and then vanished altogether, after being heard to yell, "Did I get any mail from Presinal?"

Smart move: Scranton has become a bullpen factory

Tip the hat to somebody in the Yank brain center: They are on their toes.

Considering the Yankee needs, our Triple A coal mine has suspended its conventional rotation of starters.

Last night, the Scranton-WB (When I see WB, I can't help but thinking a singing frog) started Romulo Sanchez 2 innings, then Zack Kroenke for 1.2, Jose Valdez for 2, then Anthony Claggett for 3.

They did the same in Syracuse. In one game they started reliever JB Cox. Another, they pulled Casey Fossum in the fourth.

The plan is clear: They are looking for bullpen fodder. After Kontos and maybe Josh Towers -- and of course, the incredible "Mr. Scranton," Kei Igawa, who threw a solid 7 the other day -- they are using Triple A to harvest organs, rather than grow entire children.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Forget Employee of the Month. Can someone please explain something important: why Daniel Brewer, our low Single A star, is a fullltime DH?

(I didn't electioneer for a certain person to win Yankee Employee of the Month. I don't work that way. And I don't appeciate it when certain individuals pursue their own certain agenda in influencing certain public opinion polls. It cheapens the message. It lessens us. I'm not attacking. I'm stating fact. OK. Let's move on. Let's pretend it didn't happen. Next issue: Let's consider something important.)

Daniel E. Brewer: Our big man in Charleston. He's 22.

He's leading the South Atlantic League in hitting.

As a DH.

OK, now... I am a fool. I am a simple man. Me know nothing.

There are respectable Yank sites out there, tactical field generals of the game, doctoral scientists in Yankeeology, Steve Trout-Hawkings mathematicians who know all and understand these matters. So please, please, splain to me why we have a 21-year-old prospect -- 8th round pick last year out of college -- DHing at Charleston.

Is he hurt? Are we overpopulated at his position? (Because we don't list another position for him!) Are we drafting players who cannot field at age 20?

Because it seems to me the Yanks are the one team that's always going to have 40-year-old guys ready to do nothing but DH.

So now we're drafting them?

Nahhhhh. Can't be. Has to be a good reason. Please. Somebody splain to me. Class? Somebody?

A Message From Your May 2009 Yankee Employee Of The Month, John Sterling, To The Fans Who Voted John Sterling May 2009 Yankee Employee Of The Month

John Sterling 3

John Is Winning The Yankee Employee Of The Month Poll

John Sterling
I told you. You never, ever count a Yankee out, especially if his name is John Sterling. Now I know it's still too early to pop the champagne, as they say, Suzyn, but if John holds on to this lead right down to the wire, we'll have witnessed one of the most amazing, unforgettable, stupendous comebacks in all of Yankee history. Unbelievable.

John Is Losing The Yankee Employee Of The Month Poll

John Sterling
But not by much. And of course, like the Yankees, you can never count him out til that final out is recorded. What was that Yogi used to say, Suzyn? It's never over til it's finally over? Something like that? Anyway. I think you get what I'm trying to say. I wouldn't bet against John at this point, like I ever would, but if I did, I wouldn't at this point. Not this early. It's too early.

Pie chart analysis of Jacoby Ellsbury fans

I Am Not Telling You To Click The Button For John Sterling. I Would Never Try To Influence Your Vote. This Has Nothing To Do With Polls.

I just want a couple of things understood.

I want it understood that, in May 2009, one man took more heat for this organization than anyone has had to since the glory days of George Steinbrenner.

I want it understood that John Sterling, in fact, provided the political cover necessary for the Yankees' rise from a barely .500 team to sole possessors of first place in the American League East.

I just want it understood. That's all.

Boosted by First Place Status, WinWarble Index Rises Nearly 200 points

It closes at 5.90 in first place.


Eleven hours to go: Flat-out, dead-heat, uncircumcised TIE

If there's a hanging Chad, it's Moeller.

(Or Curtis?)

Yank Web Sites Looking to Future without Big Papi as Punch Line

Sites across the Yankisphere Saturday struggled to cope with the impending loss of David Ortiz as a 24/7 hot-button punch line for inflicting pain upon the troubled Redsock Nation. "Pappy won't be around much longer," said an emotionally choked Alphonso. "We must treasure him... while we have him."

Alphonso and other IT IS HIGH bloggers (pictured right) Friday placed their goodhearted chum's XXXKL jersey in a special lead-lined museum vault beneath the website's headquarters on the shore of Onondaga Lake.

Early, Pappy had gone 0-for-4, leaving four Boston baserunners, and jeeeeust missing several big hits that could have turned the game around. Yet it provided no joy to Yank fans.

"It's not the same," Alphonso said. "There's nothing funny about it. We're watching the downfall of a big man. Big Pappy. How can anyone revel in such pain? What manner of human dog rejoices in the suffering of another fellow traveler? I ask you, how can anyone celebrate this man's collapse and utter demise?"

John twirls nifty 5.90 WinWarble to lead Yanks over Cleveland

He aint done yet.

Hear that, world?

Aint done yet.

There's still some lightning in those lungs.

Some thunder in that voicebox.

Five. Point. Nine. Oh.
First place.

Jerry Remy just sank deeper into his coma.

Friday, May 29, 2009

Are You Listening To This?

The Cleveland stadium, whatever it's called, is swarming with flies or something, and Suzyn is obsessing about midges. Also, Andy broke his back.

UPDATE! First place, bitches!

The Yankee Employee of the Month curse apparently starting early for Melky

He might as well win it.

Not much worse can happen than this.

MLB Awarded Patent For Inventing New Way To Be Complete Bastards

CHICAGO, May 15 (Reuters) - Major League Baseball has won a patent for technology that blocked certain fans from viewing local games online, and it may open the door for the U.S. sports league to profit by licensing it to media companies.

Baseball’s advanced media business was awarded a U.S. patent last month for online geolocation technology, a system that uses two or more electronic methods (such as wireless and satellite) to pinpoint the geographic location of a subscriber, the sports league said in a statement late on Thursday.

The sports league filed for the patent, its first, in 2004 as a way of excluding certain fans from watching its games streamed live online.

Warbles v. Walkoffs: Melky, Sterling, neck and neck in EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH poll

Vote as if your month depended on it.

Redsock Nation stunned, agonized, by end to Ellsbury's phenomenal hitting streak

What an incredible joyride it was!

Only 34 games away from DiMaggio's record!

Can't they induct him into the Hall of Fame now?

Must he play two more years?

Riddle: Why is Arod like the hero pilot Chesley "Sully" Sullenberger?

Answer: They both made splash landings in the Hudson.


Arod is with Kate "Almost Famous" Hudson, say the gossips.

Prophetic, considering her 2003 movie...

'Cuse v. 'Barre: Pictorial Expose Part III

Last night, SuperFrankenstein, Moose and I watched Scranton succumb to Syracuse, 5-4.

We sat in our $200,000 luxury box, located so closely to the Yank pen that we could have taped their private conversations, had we not been snorting coke and banging hookers upright against the foam-padded walls.

Actually, we chose to grant their privacy, aside from occasionally toying with their Liliputian size.

Repeating here: WE DID NOT EAVESDROP.

Hear that, big media? We gave them space. We bequeathed to them the privacy that working Americans deserve.

Even better: Because they could not help but hear our every word, we gave them knowledge.

Several times, we noted the importance of not walking the leadoff batter. As SuperFrankenstein stressed, you know what happens when you walk the goddamm leadoff batter? THE LEADOFF BATTER SCORES! NOTHING GOOD COMES FROM WALKING THE LEADOFF BATTER, NOTHING.

I trust Zach Kroenke was listening.
He merely lowered his head, no doubt keenly tuned
to the timber and flow of our instructions.

Later, SuperFrankenstein and Moose convened a panel discussion on the best pitch that a pitcher can throw. Is is a curve? No. A fastball. No. THE ABSOLUTE BEST PITCH A PITCHER CAN THROW IS GODDAMM STRIKE ONE! We don't need "Ball one" or "Ball two." THROW FIRST-PITCH STRIKES, AND SPARE US THE ART MAJOR CLAPTRAP!

I can only hope Mark Melancon was listening.
Here he is no doubt mulling our words.

At one point, SuperFrankenstein and Moose offered a stinging, icy rebuke to the producers/writers of "Lost," who nearly turned a fine show into a shambling soap opera, ruining the impact of promising early episodes. If the team has not yet watched the show, this should save them money on purchasing the DVD.

I don't know if Shelley Duncan has seen "Lost."
Clearly, he can relate to the forgotten, unlucky
plight of its castaway characters.

We often cited the works of John Sterling, noting that, "No matter how smart you are, no matter what you know, nobody -- I mean nobody! -- can predict what's going to happen in baseball!"

Then, guess what happened? No, don't bother guessing, because nobody can ever guess what's going to happen. Tyler Clippard, the former Yankee Clippard, pitched for Syracuse against the very guy we traded him to get: Jonathan Albaladejo (sp?). Go figure!

Surely, Alba (sp?) was bowing to us,
when we snapped this.
Remind me to learn to spell his name.

Still, it was hard to concentrate
with the big event coming in July.

'Cuse v. 'Barre: Pictorial Expose Part II

Last night, we witnessed the Scranton-Wilkes Barre Yankees loss to Syracuse before a crowd of dozens.

We sat within lapdance distance of the Yank bullpen. They were well behaved and acted like fine young men. We didn't heckle or eavesdrop, in part because we don't speak Spanish. (More on our interactions in Part III.)

Maybe it's the human growth hormone I'm taking,
but I was struck by their tiny size.

Secondbaseman Reegie Corona went 1-5.
He's only batting .118.

Edwar Ramirez gave up 2 runs and 3 hits in an inning and two-thirds.
He won't return to NY until his change-up starts nipping corners.
(I should have told him this while sitting nearby. Language barrier.)

League HR leader Shelley Duncan went 2-4 with a double.
He deserves another shot with the Yanks.
He stood tall against Tampa for the cheap shot on Francisco Cervelli!
But he must stop chewing his fingers.
He spent the game chewing his fingers.

I foolishly let SuperFrankenstein hold the camera.
Now I understand the mirrors on his shoes.

Syracuse v. Scranton: Pictorial Expose Part 1

Attended last night's big contest in the Emerald City, (formerly the Salt City), pitting the Syracuse Chiefs, (formerly Skychiefs), against Scranton-Wilkes Barre, (formerly Columbus), in Alliance Bank Stadium, (formerly P&C Stadium.)

With me were fellow IT IS HIGH lugnuts SuperFrankenstein and Moose. We sought to shred the media filter and get the real lowdown on Yank farm produce, through stool sample analysis and examination of dental work with precision calipers.

The 'Cuse beat the 'Barre 5-4, taking three of four in the gritty matchup of International League rivals, and shaving Scranton's North Divisional lead to a mere 7.00 games.

Our report:

Take that, Lonn Trost!

Syracuse's legendary Wall of Championships
suggests we are victims of a curse. (Did we ever piss off Stu Pederson?)

The crowd was enormous.
On the mound for us, ol' Casey himself.
He ripped through the first three, then lost it.
He threw 4.1 and relinquished three.

We sat one row behind the Yankee bullpen,
who were really nice guys. Nobody even mentioned my stinky foot.

Superprospect Austin Jackson went 1-5 with a single.
This serve went to the shortstop.

More shocking photos later.

Thursday, May 28, 2009


Jesus of Tampa hits two. Remember: He's 19.

But why, why, why... is he playing so much DH?

Before we again ridicule Kei Igawa...

... Let us note this fact.

The great Redsock hurler Dice-K -- of the $110 million contract and "National Treasure" status -- has finished the month of May without a win and with an ERA of 8.82.

Igawa -- for $20 million, the 2008 Pitcher of the Year at Scranton -- is currently 4-1 with an ERA of 3.86 for the coaltown team of the International League.

Given the chance, considering the money they're paying... what are the odds that the Redsocks would trade Dice K for Kei?

Everything's gone well since Cervelli arrived, thus... time to drop Cervelli?

Yes-yes-yes, I know... he's young, he should play every day, he's not likely to continue hitting as he has...

But I tremble at the notion that we shall soon sentence Francisco Cervelli to Scranton, or Wilkes Barre, or Trenton, or whatever minor league Gitmo where Yankee prospects go to "season." (Hello, Shelley Duncan, with 16 HRs, leading the IL!)

One of Joe Torre's gutsiest moves was to install rookie Derek Jeter as shortstop, even though many scouts said he needed another 400 at bats at Columbus. Buck Showalter never trusted rookies. In recent years, we've fallen into a Showalter mode.

This spring, we broke out. We kept Ramiro Pena, rather than ditch him, so our scouts could think of reasons why he'll never make it. Pena is great. He belongs in the majors.

Jorge Posada and Jose Molina are coming back soon. Everyone hears the drums beating for Cervelli to be sent down.

Yes-yes-yes, he's young, blah-blah-blah... it makes sense in a conventional way of thinking. The Showalter way. Hey, did Buck ever win a ring?

Three catchers, anyone?

Shelley Duncan hits one out of Syracuse

"It was Duncan's blast that had the fans, many of them clad in Yankee gear, buzzing.

"The 6-foot-5 Duncan turned on a slider from Syracuse reliever Mike MacDougal and drove the ball over the secondary fence behind the Chiefs' old bullpen in left field."

Papi Jersey Goes Deep

Redsock forensic investigators (right) excavate the remains of David Ortiz, who was found Wednesday buried next to Jimmy Hoffa in a men's stall of the Vince Lombardi Rest Stop on the New Jersey Turnpike. Ortiz had been missing for six months, with an imposter assuming his role with the team. Coroners say Ortiz original 320-pound body had evaporated but for several lip fragments, which clung to a warm, beloving smile, even in death. Original tests mistakenly linked the DNA to that of former Redsock legend Mo Vaughn. Ortiz' remains will ride a funeral train to Boston, where the ashes of his smile will be ceremonially cemented into the bottom of Ben Affleck's swimming pool.

Sterl Hurl Index of WinWarbles falls to below 4.00

It closed late last night, despite a surge of profit-taking, at 3.98 -- well below the magic 5.00, which signifies an important Yankee victory.

Yankeeologists are now studying the figures to learn their meaning.

Do they signify trouble ahead?

Is John trying to "cool" the opposition by not rubbing it in?

Is he deliberately issuing low Warblage readings because he fears that long Hurls jinx the team?

We do know this: Top scientists across the world have proven, beyond debate, the existence of Yankee curses. (The Chinese have been especially seminal in establishing a baseline continuum for analysis.) No one has yet defined the exact pattern that creates a Yankee curse. We all try.

Is John weaving a magical thought pattern?


Country air? John cannot hit 4.00 WinWarble in Texas

Once again, John Sterling loses his lungs in a blowout. What happened to the 7.00 WinWarbles of yesteryear? Time to bring up Dan Hoard?

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

The Proof

After opening MSN, I see a Ken Rosenthal article that is telling everybody who has speculated that David "Big Popout" Ortiz once took steriods to shut up. He also makes a case for people to stop speculating whether a player, active or not, juiced up during their career. I would think that this is a valid point because I wouldn't want people speculating that my favorite Yankees were on steroids, but the Mitchell Report beat Rosenthal's article to the punch.

Now I won't link the article because I don't want to increase its view count, but you can find it on the MSN homepage right now. It's under the sports section with the link reading, and I quote "Think this guy's on 'roids? Prove it" with a picture of the former #3 hitter for the Olde Towne Teame. And so here's the proof:

During his tenure in the Twin Cities (and before he had the batspeed to hit an inside fastball), Ortiz had a 162 game average of:
526 AB, 77 runs, 140 hits, 21 homers (20.65 if you want to get technical), 85 RBI, with a .266 Batting Average,

They're respectable numbers except for the fact that this was before he became a full time DH, and never played 162 games

Now lets look at Ortiz's stats from Boston ('03-'07) when he "magically" found the batspeed to hit that inside fastball. His .302, a 36 point improvement from his days with the Twins. An average 162 game season for Ortiz in Boston is a whopping 46 dingers and 141 ribbies. His slugging percentage (.461 in Minny) is a sky high .612. For comparison, in 2003, a roided-up A-Rod won the MVP with a slugging percentage of .610.

Finally, lets look at the past two years, and boy have they been a steep decline for Shrek. He hit only 25 homers last year, 12 less than his total in 2007, and 21 less than his average. This year he is making his residence south of the river of Mendoza, and if he were to play every game this year, he'd be on pace to hit a whopping 4 home runs.

So Ken Rosenthal, take your "innocent until proven guilty" shtick and shove it where the sun don't shine.

Papi Comeback: "Fever Pitch II"

"That was probably the best BP I've ever seen him take. Probably his last three or four BPs have been outstanding."
- Dave Magadan -

Redsock batting coach Dave Magadan (left) with manager Terry Francona exume David Ortiz from clubhouse in time for Wednesday night game. "Big Papi" has been on a crash diet, hoping to lose weight and regain his swing.

Yankees Preparing Line Switch for Injuries

New York _ The Yanks today announced an impending "changing of the injury guard," as Jorge Posada, Jose Molina, Cody Ransom and Xavier Nady pretended to play in a simulated game in the former identical duplicate of Yankee Stadium, Legends Field, which is located in Tampa.

Meanwhile, Brian Bruney, Melky Cabrera and several other players-to-be-injured later prepared to join their comrades on the sit-for-pay list.

The leading candidate for injury, AJ Burnett, pitches tonight.

Feeling queasy, anyone?

Bobby joins Papi in HR derby

Last night against the Sox.

Congratulations to the new Wally World.

Pavano is driving us nuts

Last night, against the Rays.

Scranton-Wilkes Barre rained out in Syracuse


Can We Please Get Real?

Our bullpen is pathetic. And, therefore, our team is pathetic unless we score 11 or more runs early.

We have had about 12 relief pitchers try to bring the game from a starter's work to MO and, with the exception of a few accidents, we consistently fall apart.

We dumped two of the worst ( Edwar, Albaladejo ), but still have mostly garbage available.

Phil Coke has yet to pitch an inning without giving up a home run. He is a joke. A confident, arrogant coke joke.

The only lefty with less ability in the Yankee organization is Damaso Marte, who has never gotten any hitter out for the Yankees. Nice work, again, on the trade front, Cash.

Can't wait until Joe gets to use this fine veteran again. The BA of lefties against Marte as a Yankee is close to .450 , I think.

Last night, the competency cover blew off "Ace" Aceves, as he sent the game out of reach in a flash.

And Veras is far worse than "Ace." Enough said.

Bruney is soon to get his TJ badge at Birmingham Hospital, so we can write him off for the year.

I used to hold out hope for Melancon and Robertson, but they have imploded quickly with every opportunity handed to them.

Sidebar: Is it a positive sign that Robby ( Joe's handle for Dave Robertson ) threw a good inning last night in a blow-out against us? Don't count on it.

And let's re-visit the grand decision to use Joba as a starter. He now looks as if he is in a race with Chin Ming to see who can put the Yankees in a huge hole the earliest.

Does he look confident? Dominating? Impossible to hit? Is he pitching like that dude on the Dodgers who is 7-1 with an ERA under 1.00? Is he looking like a future Ace?

The qualities of greatness which Joba showed in his rookie year only surfaced when Joba was setting up MO.

So why would we want to repeat that success? Rather, let's FHU totally ( U= "up" for those puritans in the audience) by asking him not to do that at which he excells.

In that case, why not play him in centerfield for a while? Or let him DH?

Now, with Bruney out, and no one who can pitch either the 7th or the 8th, let's keep trying more guys from AAA who can't throw strikes. It is the perfect skill set for Yankee relievers. Come in and walk guys.

Like Bimko or Bombko (or whatever his loser name is) who walked a Phillie with two outs and no one on, in his first inning of relief and cost us the game.

Third place awaits.