Tuesday, June 30, 2009

10 Possible Reasons Why We Traded for Eric Hinske

1. Arod is hurt worse than anyone has reported.

2. Matsui is done.

3. Another trade is imminent, one that will make sense.

4. Hinkse's name and phone number was found in Theo Epstein's wallet.

5. In deals, the Pirates are mind-manipulating Svengalis.

6. Hinske, vanguard of the Yankee youth movement, can pinch run, field every position and play flawless shortstop.

7. John needed a new home run call: A slamski! For Hinske!

8. Anybody see who Jennifer Steinbrenner has been dating lately?

9. It's like that bad guy in "The Warriors, the one who clacks the soda bottles together, when asked why he killed the gang leader, responds: "NO REEEEEASON."

10. Last year's Nady/Marte trade was such a incredible success that Cashman felt compelled to attempt an encore.

Cashman Eats It !!!

Let me make it clear.

Cashman is incompetent. He is a loser beyond description. He eats the huge burger.

This deal for Hinske is puke. I am puking right now.

Ramiro Pena is 50 times the ballplayer Hinske is. Now, we have demoralized him forever. I hope he dumps the Yankees at the first opportunity. Let him sign with Boston and humiliate us for the next 15 years.

Hinske is basically a cocaine addled flop who was good one season when he played for Toronto. Since that one good year, he has been a bum. Sitting on the bench for a bunch of losers.

This is the worst deal since we acquired Nady and Marte. Only one step removed from the Jay Buhner deal.

What the F*** is going on? What more does Pena have to prove? Great defense. A contact hitter who can hit .300 if given a shot?

This team is going straight to piss. The hell with them. Everyone on the Yankee's roster, I guarantee you, is now demoralized. They loved this kid.

This is stupid, irresponsible and wrong. What an idiot. Cashman has to go. We will never, never, win again with him involved.

Everyone should throw batteries at Hinske. He is puke. Boo him every time he appears. No matter what he does. Boo him relentlessly.

Now we have another 35 year old washout to hit into double plays with the bases loaded.

Cashman is being paid by Theo for BJ's and for throwing the season again.

I will not watch another game this year.

Yanks move quickly to open MLB Bum-Dump Season

OK, disclaimer: Yes, they know more than I. Yes, this may be part of a broader plan. Yes, they didn't surrender front-tier studs.

But every July, baseball passes around Eric Hinske like a plate of bad clams. He is the sport's version of Calvin Trillin's Christmas fruitcake

We gave up two 23-year-old prospects for him. One was the guy we traded Chase Wright to get, and at the time, we congratulated ourselves for being so smart. So which is it: The guy's a bum? Or did we just give up a future major leaguer for Eric Hinske?

Hinske was unhappy about riding the bench in Pittsburgh.

He should talk to Shelley Duncan.

If this were Wall Street, it would be called churning. Does Cashman get a sales commission on these?

About El Duque's wish for no trades...

Too late. Welcome to the Bronx, Eric Hinske. Quick trivia: Hinske now has been a member of every team in the AL East except the O's. And Hinske is the 3rd former Rookie of the Year winner to play for the Yankees this year. Name the other two. One's obvious, the other not so much.

Yanks look to Storm, Travalena, to continue dead celebrity winning streak

Contender for future Yankee Employee of the Month?

World Exclusive: The Mouth of Satan speaks with Voice of the Yankees

At yesterday's sentencing of Bernie Madoff, victims' spokesman Bert Ross had a chance to sit down with Voice of the Yankees, John Sterling. Topics included Satan, trust and first-pitch strikes.

An Open Letter to Brian Cashman

Dear Madam or Sir,

As you know, the next few weeks launch the annual Major League Baseball Midseason Bum Dump.

Soon, Arizona and Cleveland will demand huge packages from us in return for middling players, whom they will then ship to our competitors for much less. They appease their fan base by snubbing the big bad Yankees.

This year, please, tell them to shove it.

Need relievers? Call Scranton. Zach Greinke. Mark Melancon. Edwar. Jonathan. That guy, Bush. Every one of them has as a good a chance of pitching well in August than some shopped-around 30-year-old who's had a good first-half, and whose arm is about go Xavier Nady.

Remember Jay Witasik? Unhittable... before we got him. NEVER FORGET JAY WITASIK.

Felix Heredia? Gabe White? Alan Embree? We need guys on the way up, not guys on the way down.

Need a hitter? Call Scranton.

Sheesh, if you overlook Shelley Duncan, why bother to have a Triple A franchise? We know he can hit. We saw him do it. He's got energy. He's got pride. He fought for Francisco Cervelli, and WE WILL NEVER FORGET!



Is Matt Drudge in love?

Today's Drudge Report has yet another publicity still of Sasha Baron Cohen, aka Borat and Bruno.

Considering the number of times Drudge has spotlighted those pictures, you'd almost think Fox News' favorite blogger has a thing for the man.



Monday, June 29, 2009

Authorities struggle to resist growing calls for crackdown on blog dissidents

The election will continue.

The democratic process for IIH, IIF, IIc June Employee of the Month will not be averted.

Record turnout for June Employee of Month Vote

"I believe in democracy,
because it releases the energies
of every human being. "
Woodrow Wilson

Tensions High As Strike Deadline Looms

At midnight tonight, Bronx time, IT IS HIGH bloggers and commenters will launch a 24-hour content-stoppage to protest irregularities in this month's Yankee Employee Of The Month election. The strikers' legitimate concerns center on a hasty, perfunctory nominating process further marred by an escalating series of abuses.

  • On Saturday, El Duque solicited nominations.
  • That evening, before voters had time to deliberate, he mounted the poll, ignoring most of the few nominations he had collected.
  • An immediate and fierce call for a truly representative poll led Duque to post misleading, "anonymous" comments that bear his unmistakably ragged prose style, and--as if those sock-puppet comments weren't travesty enough-- at least one false news story.
  • Someone keeps moving the strike notice down the sidebar. Suspicion centers on Duque himself, acting alone.
The two sides aren't talking, and the deadline is just three hours away. Worse, this is the second consecutive YEOTM election to suffer from Duque's authoritarian approach to blogging. Last month, he caused an uproar when he unilaterally appended an asterisk to the name of the democratically elected winner. That winner: John Sterling, the inspiration for, and human embodiment of, the very blog you are reading--and will have fewer reasons to read tomorrow.

UPDATE: The strike is on. Don't scab, don't blog, don't comment, don't link. See you Wednesday.

Gale Storm and Fred Travalena are dead. Will that keep our celebrity death winning streak alive?

We're undefeated since America's great celebrities began dropping like drives at the warning track off the bat of Bobby Abreu.

For us, today is a travel day. But Death never takes a travel day.

Can we keep the streak alive?

Maybe Gale Storm is the answer. She was the star of "My Little Margie" and later "The Gale Storm Show." She died over the weekend. The obit appears today.

Also, Fred Travalena -- the man of the 1,000 faces -- has checked out.

I vaguely remember Gale Storm. It saddens me to hear of her death. She was a great actress and comedienne. We are all lessened by her absence.

And Fred Travalena did so many great impressions. This is a tragic loss for comedy. He was a very funny and talented man.

There! Are you happy, Death? Two more wins? Can we keep the streak alive?

TURNCOAT: What was Larry David doing at John Henry's wedding?

Kissing the rings?

For years, this guy has claimed to be a Yankee fan.

Then this.

They must be laughing in the Kremlin today.

But at least we now know who wears the secret ketchup underwear.









Sterling Index: 547. A pulse?

He's above the 500 Fran Healy line.

Yankeetorial: The Mets may have returned the favor for last year

To those of you scoring at home...

Last June, we went into the Subway Series riding high (relatively speaking, because the whole year sucked), knowing Carlos Delgato was done, Willie was crucified and the Mets were lambs. Well, Carlos woke up and smelled our coffee, much in the way Big Papi did earlier this month.

They pulled together; we fell apart.

This year, we were done entering this Subway Series. If not for Castillo, we'd have lost the first series. We bailed out against the Nats, cried through Atlanta -- then woke up, courtesy of our mortal backyard enemies.

Omens? None.

Karma? We'll take it.

Voting brisk in Employee of the Month election

People are risking their lives to keep democracy flowing.

Shelley Duncan is going to put us out of business

The most likely 2009 International League MVP's recent Twit.

Someone's Got To Stop Robbie Cano !!!

Robbie Cano is useless with the bases loaded.

He is a double play waiting to happen.

The Mets loaded the bases with one out to get to Robbie, knowing he would hit into a double play.

He did.

And he did it two more times with runners on.

He forgets that he can go with a pitch and hit it to left.

So he over swings on outside pitches and hits perfect one-hoppers to second.

Robbie left about 90 runners in scoring position last night, and it nearly cost us the game.

Next time, let Brett Tomko hit.

John rallies for historic Mariano save with 5.47-second WinWarble

It's sad that we would describe a 5.47-second John Sterling WinWarble as a positive event. Last year, the Master repeatedly nailed 6.00 seconds on the Warbletron, and the team didn't even make the playoffs.

But after a month-long slump, John last night warbled over the Fran Healy (5.00) line to signify a restoration of confidence in the basic fabric of the known Yankiverse.

Will it last? People ask us this all the time. But these things, like baseball, simply cannot be predicted. No matter who you are, YOU CANNOT PREDICT WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN WITH A WINWARBLE.

Last August, following a victory over Boston, John came within a throat-hair of 8.00 seconds -- something humankind may never hear.

We're no longer wondering if we will ever get that magical, mythical 8.00.

Can John get back to 6?

We are undefeated since the celebrities started dying

Four celebrities dead. Four wins.

Let's face it: We all feel like Seymour in "Little Shop of Horrors." To keep winning, we may have to keep feeding our beloved stars of stage and screen to the giant Pinstripe Fly Trap in the basement.

DISCLAIMER: We do not advocate that Yank fans go out and kill celebrities!

But hey, you don't change underwear during a winning streak. If somebody happened to be driving, and they saw a middlng celeb -- say, a former member of a boy band or something -- standing in a crosswalk, well, think of Billy Martin.

He loved the hit-and-run.

SIDE NOTE: Should we start rating Cable TV Celebrity Death Warbles?

Ed McMahon received (estimation) about 20 minutes, memories and obit.

Farrah got a couple hours of memories, obit and thoughtful analysis by cultural experts and those who loved her.

Jacko consumed three days, 24-7, Jerry Lewis Telethon-style coverage, with the sure-to-come conspiracy theories, tearful TV memory concert and hit song. We're talking weeks, months, years.

Billy Mays generated more than Ed, because cable was warmed up and hungry. Also, people at first probably thought it was Willie Mays. Were it Willie... he'd hit Farrah Territory.

Now... four wins, four deaths... who must die?

Maybe Jose Tabata and John Henry should work out a deal ...

Not to get all Mike Kekich-Fritz Peterson here, but if Jose (age 20) and JH (60) swapped the misses, then everyone would be a little closer in age and it wouldn't be so creepy (Jose's wife is 43, JH's is 30).

Since Jose's wife has had a brush with the law, he may have to throw in some future considerations, but Theo can work out the deal.

To put it in Bill James-talk: The Couple's WHAR (wife-husband age ratios) are out of whack at 2.00/2.15, and a deal would benefit both sides by bringing the ratios to about 1.39/1.50, closer to the OSAD (optimum standard age deviation).

Just sayin' ....

The Master Segues

How it's done, by the husband and wife team of John & Suzyn Sterling.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

What's this about Michael Jackson being dead?

Hey, has anybody heard about this? A buddy claims it's true, but I can't find anything about it in the news.

Castillo takes lead in spirited Employee of the Month balloting

Luis Castillo has taken a firm lead in the quest for June Yankee Employee of the Month.

Voters are urged to cast their ballots in this important exercise in democracy.

Don't forget to vote! The choice is yours!

Sterling Index Continues Skid

Read it and weep.

Twelve of the last 20 warbles fell below the magic 5.00.

Is this what depression means?

Time to do something with Shelley, Kei and Zach

I ain't sayin' bring 'em up, because we don't necessarily have room. But trade them, sell them, or -- yeah, bring 'em up. What the hell. We can't let them die in the Scranton coal mine.

1. Shelley Duncan. He's Babe Ruthing the International League. Last year, he got screwed. After a great spring training, he started ice cold (like, ahem, many), got demoted for a weekend, hurt his shoulder -- and has never rated a phone call since. He was our Nick Swisher before Nick Swisher. The guy can hit. He needs a shot at a MLB career. We owe it to him.

2. Kei Igawa. Altogether now: let's whip him some more. Why, the nerve of him -- accepting all that money! Of course, when his own pitching coach suckers him in print, I guess it's over. He's about to become the all-time Scranton-Wilkes Barre franchise win leader. Spare him that ignominity. Let him go. What are we afraid of... that he'll actually pitch well for somebody else?

3. Zach Kroencke. I can't believe how close we came to losing this guy. We left him (and Ivan Nova) unprotected last December -- while keeping the Baggetts, Jacksons, Hackers, et al -- and he (they) got snapped up in the draft. (Who evaluates our talent, anyway, Whitey Fraud?) Fortunately, they returned him. His ERA at Scranton: 1.14. Bring him up, next chance we get. Supreme Leader should stop trying to show how smart he was by signing Edwar Ramirez and trading for Jonathan Albadelejo. (For Tyler Clippard, who is now up with the Nats.)

Sentence of the Day

"Baseball may be 90 percent half-mental, and Yogi Berra might have cut his pizzas into six slices because he could not eat eight, but at least one major league ballplayer understands and digs the physics of his sport — equal and opposite reactions notwithstanding."

Times' Alan Schwarz, on Rockies pitcher Jeff Francis' rehab.

New Letterman joke: Sarah Palin attended a Boston Redsock game. During a break in the action, the team owner married her daughter


Yesterday, Boston owner/tweater/investor John Henry finally married the golddigger.

He's 60. She's 30.

He's worth $860 million.

They met last year in a bar.

Among the guests was MLB's $18 million-per-year Commissioner, Bud Selig, who has a thing for signing 16-year-old Latino boys.

Behold... the most generous wedding photo ever taken.

El Duque, Dude, You've Already Posted The Yankee Of The Month Poll & It's Barely The 28th & The Discussion Wasn't Finished & I Am Seriously P.O'd.


Because I was out all day and THINKING about the matter --


And I came to the rational, unavoidable conclusion that John Sterling, The Voice Of The Yankees, gave us another amazing month and deserves the chance to be the FIRST REPEAT YANKEE EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH --



Because this makes me fucking SICK.


Update: Plus, you ignored half the effing nominees nominated in the effing so-called nomination thread.

El Duque, the question needs asking:


John's WinWarble: Barely a Win

Once again, the Jeep-driven Voice of the Yankees last night warbled short.

You'd have expected John to crush one, after we beat Buffalo 5-0, but he grumbled what appeared to be a 4.65-second self-expression of loathing -- well below the Fran Healy Line of 5.00. It's John's third straight below-Healy WinWarble, and Brian Cashman must be wondering if we can expect Sterling to be hurling come August.

Has he lost it? Is he saving it? Perhaps it's the setting of Citi Field, which requires him to hurl directly into the ears of people who are practically copulating. But we have to start looking to the future.

Do we have a warbler in Scranton? Can Suzyn take a shot? Is Bob Gamere still alive? We gotta shake things up.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Will Michael Jackson Autopsy Finally Solve Mystery of Deteriorating Nose?

Just askin'.

Three Bu-Bu's

Shelley Duncan tweet on Jacko: "... iconic..." (doncha think?)

It's the Twitter revolution.

John has no home run call for Brett Gardner

Last night, it went this way:

"It's a home run for Brett Gardner!"

Gotta be something better.

How 'bout, "GARD GOES YARD!"

Daddy, what will A-Rod's URL be when he retires?

Time to take nominations for June Yankee Employee of the Month

You know the drill. And most of you probably know The Yankee Employee of the Month Curse.

The May 2009 vote shall remain forever mired in controversy, due to election tampering by SuperFrankenstein and the aptly named Whitey Fraud.

As a result, John Sterling won a disputed (and asterisked) election. And everyone paid the price.

Almost immediately, the Voice of the Yankees suffered one of the crowning gaffes of his career -- the A-bomb from Hideki Matsui. Moreover, as was prophesized, the entire team went into the pits, dropping from first place to four games behind Boston.

We must not let superstition outrank our love of purely rational thought.

At the same time, we should not venture blindly into alternative planes of karma, where the lurking primal forces of evil might not welcome us.

I say this:

Let's hold a Yankee Employee of the Month election without fear or regard for whatever gods out there have a boner against us.

Let's build something togethahhhh.

It starts with nominees...

A conversation between South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford and Voice of the Yankees John Sterling

Driven by Jeep.

Friday, June 26, 2009

John just wanted to go home: WinWarble only 4.12 seconds

He plans to sleep late tomorrow. He better get his game lungs back, because he's only beaten the Fran Healy line (5.00) once in the last seven days.

4.12 Seconds

Late Scratch: John & Suzyn's Talking Points Of The Day, Sponsored By Lowe's.

Instead of listening to the ballgame on the radio, tonight I will, perversely, watch it with the sound off. And I won't be near a computer. I will be near a bartender. So. If John and Suzyn say anything the rest of the world needs to hear, please leave it in the comments--along with (if possible) which half-inning they said it in, whose at-bat, etc. Or just talk about the game, or something.

Oh, and in honor of Derek's birthday, here's the flip.

Derek Is Old

Thirty-five today.

Ruling needed: Is this Arod joke offensive...?

Last night, Sarah Palin watched the Atlanta Braves play the Yankees. During a break in the action, the Braves pitching staff got knocked up by Arod.

Great moments in broadcasting, from FoxNews

Last night, Geraldo Rivera interviewed Uri Geller about Michael Jackson's death.

A rare freakshow triple play!

Poetry corner: Three stars down

Michael Jackson, King of Pop,
Didn't think he'd ever stop.
Planned a grand reunion tour,
Now it's called "The Jackson Four."

Farrah Fawcett, centerfold,
Who could think that she'd grow old?
Pictured in her underwear,
Poster girl for hospice care.

Ed McMahon, voice of the night,
Teamed with Johnny, all was right.
Carnack's answer: "Loyal Ed."
Question: "Name a guy who's dead."

When An 8-1 Lead Isn't Safe, It Tells You Something

Now we know the truth.

Andy Pettitte is not what he used to be.

Bruney needs 30 pitches to get two outs in humid weather.

Joba will become a decent starter just when the Yankees are ready to move him to the bullpen.

Phil Hughes is being saved for tonight, in case CC's arm joins Nady's arm.

The Yankee's need practice on those short, pop-ups to the outfield that Derek used to catch up to.

Brett needs a glove not made from ceramic.

If it wasn't for Tex's defense, we would lead the league in errors.

Brian got the only outfielder that the Pirates were giving away who is useless. After we pay for X's next arm surgery, he'll be a post 30 something free agent.

Jason Bay and that Atlanta guy will be all stars for years.

Lest we forget about Marte.....lest we forget.

The only professional organization who did worse in their 2009 draft was the NY Knicks.

I am going drinking for one week with people who eat hot peppers, love tequila and speak espanol.

See you on the Appalachian Trail.

Nady's Arm

It fell off last night in Syracuse.

Fortunately, it was grabbed by the Syracuse mascot, Scootch, and rushed to the nearby Simmons Institute of Mortuary Sciences , where it was stuffed and sold to the New York State Senate.

It will be used as a paddle in today's negotiations.

Nady will be added to the team's DH rotation.

Did You Listen To Last Night's Ballgame? Did John & Suzyn Mention Michael Jackson?

Because we'd like to know, in case the audio is worth posting here. And if you can tell us roughly what inning they mentioned him in -- if at all -- our gratitude will be enormous, and might very well pay off for you some day.

Who shall be next to die?

We are stunned by the losses of Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson.

Each was a sacred member of the Yankiverse.

As Johnny Carson's loyal sidekick, Ed was our leadoff batter, getting on base, setting up hits, taking punch lines for the team and stealing bases... our great Mickey Rivers.

As icon of womanly perfection, Farrah illuminated the deepest recesses of our minds, sparking rallies, delivering big scores, and crushing balls like no others... much like the great Reggie Jackson.

As the King of Pop, Michael produced hit after hit, record after record... our Mattingly, our Mantle, our Munson... our Mel Hall.


This is the biggest celebrity culling since June 29-July 1, 2003, when Katherine Hepburn, Buddy Hackett and Herbie Mann died.

Who is next?

Sterling Index rises to 580 with gutsy warble

With the Yanks not pitching well Thursday, John Sterling delivered a "must warble," hitting 580 on the New York WinWarble Index and giving hope once again to millions.

Previous Close: 477
Current: 580
Change: +103
Prognosis: Rising

Thursday, June 25, 2009

John warbles past 5.00 mark, finishes at 5.80 Sterl Hurl

Let's Skip John & Suzyn's Talking Points Of The Day, Sponsored By Lowe's.

I want to listen to Michael Jackson coverage.

Update: Mike Francesa breaks the news, as only he can.

Update 2: As Scooter said in '78 when told during a broadcast that Pope Paul VI died: "Well, that kind of puts a damper on even a Yankee win."

Update 3: I wrote a post about this video here.

Oscars adding expanded tier of playoffs

Los Angeles _ The Academy Awards will break into four divisions next year, allowing 64 Oscar-nominees to compete head-to-head, the Motion Industry said Wednesday.

"Last year, we never saw Benjamin Button fight Iron Man," Academy President Sid "Shecky" Ganis told a news conference. "Next year, it's Transformers II against Inkheart, winner take all! Let's see Harry Potter with his shirt off. Let's see Meghan Fox take on all comers. This is how movies are supposed to select Oscar champions!"

Through eliminations, the 64-movie field will be whittled to eight, who will battle in the Oscar Octogon, Ganis said.

"I only wish we'd done this when 'Steel Magnolias' was still out," Ganis said. "I'm telling you, I'd have loved to see that cast go up against Jack Black's crazy team from 'Year One.'"

Farrah, we knew ye...

Hey, I'm sorry she died. But I'm gagging over these testimonials.

A Political Game: The Elite vs. The Constituency

If you can match the names below to the average Americans pictured to the right, you will win 2 free tickets to the next Red Sox/Yankee game in the "Steak and Ale" section behind home plate:


All Submissions must be received by SUPERFRANKENSTEIN by mid-night tomorrow.

Thought of the Day: "Atlanta"

The Tim Battle battle is over

What a bummer.

In the third round of 2003, we drafted a kid from nowhere named Tim Battle, over whom Baseball America had raved. Ten tools. Great speed, great power, great arm, great head, great hair, etc., but he needed work. He hadn't played against tough competition. He signed immediately.

Then he was diagnosed with cancer.

George Steinbrenner issued a public statement of support. The Yankees mentioned him during pregame ceremonies. He missed a season, and when he finally returned, every minor league baseball blogger in captivity picked Tim Battle to have a breakout year.

Maybe that was a mistake.

He could run, hit a ball a mile, throw people out, cover ground, and -- to my knowledge -- deal with people. He had one affliction, and it wasn't cancer.

It was Reuben Rivera Disease.

He struck out all the time. They kept changing his swing. He kept striking out.

Yesterday, we released him. He must be 24.

So all you folks who want to hype the great Kelvin or Jesus or Austin or Dellin Watzizname... pffff. (Yes, I do it too.) Our list of disappointments -- like Pinnocio's nose -- just grew another inch. It's an uphill battle.

Sterling Index falls two points: Flatline?

Current: 475
Previous: 477
Change: 002

Calling in pain, John falls shy of Healy Line with 4.75-second WinWarble

Nursing a sore elbow, John bellows a meager 4.75 second WinWarble over Atlanta.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

Let Us Now Praise The Man Who Broke The Yankees' Batting Slump Forever And Saved The 2009 Season

Cervelli 2

John takes one for the team

It's Time To Check In On John & Suzyn's Talking Points Of The Day, Sponsored By Lowe's.

Lowe's 3

Suzyn's talking points:
Everybody, even the Orioles, can beat up on National League teams except for the Yankees, who are apparently worse than even National League teams.
When I think of the outfielders we could have had...
Joba. Eh.
This Braves pitcher is scary.
John's talking points:
"No one's hot. No one's hitting well."
"We are in a national malaise."
"You need the two-out hit."
"[Maybe possibly] This is the night the Yankees break out."
This Braves pitcher isn't God.
Lowe's. Let's Build Something... Togethaaaa!

If Obama becomes President, the Yanks will win in '09!

So they said.

Republican Presidential Hopeful Returns To Red Sox Flock.

"Hi there, I closely resemble  Governor Sanford of South Carolina. In fact, I have purloined a picture of him ( on right ) to demonstrate just how much I do look like him.

 I'm proud to be a Red Sox fan, a family man, a person of faith and a strong Republican leader who doesn't believe in taking Federal money to create jobs for those out of work in my state."

Why should you believe me?  What gives me away as a life-long Republican?

  Does my $800 haircut give it away?  Or my artificially whitened teeth,? My Brooks Brother's (personally) tailored shirt?  The absence of glasses those damn intellectuals wear?  My $1000 silk tie?

I've recently violated God's Law of morality and want you all to know that there are consequences for doing that.

My consequence is having to attend  at a press conference with people other than my friends at the Fox Network.  

 I intend to make a statement, hopefully with my lovely and still adoring wife at my side, announcing that I shall resign my chairmanship of the Republican Party's Governor's Committee on fleecing everyday Americans.

I have recently lied to most everyone , fallen in love with a close family friend from Argentina, ( whom I intend to dump in favor of  re-building my political career with the fine people of South Carolina ), and confessed to several days of unGodly and unauthorized boning in Argentina, not on the Appalachian trail.

I will continue to lobby against Universal Health Care, support lower taxes for the privileged, deny women's rights to choose  ( those Islamists have got that thing right ), and refuse to take taxpayer's money to create jobs for the people of my state.

This is the Republican way, and that is the law which I hold most dear.

In short, it is my contention that I should still remain a viable candidate of my party for this land's highest office, and believe Sarah Palin would make a great side-kick in that endeavor.

In conclusion, let me apologize ( temporarily) for being a narrow minded, bigoted sleazebag.

I just figured that no one would notice. 

 I go to church every Sunday.

Go Sox !!!

Huffington Post holds NY baseball girlfriend hottie call

Isn't that Arianna something! Vote for your hottest Yankee chick!

Yes, it's come to this.

BREAKING: Yanks' Bats Hiking The Appalachian Trail

Yankee GM Brian Cashman told reporters Wednesday he had not talked to his offense "since about two weeks ago, maybe the Boston series?", and did not know where it went.

"I am being a GM today. I have not heard from my batters. I am...taking care of my pitchers," he said outside his Atlanta hotel before entering a liquor store.

UPDATE! (12:55 pm)

Yankee batters did did not spend the last two weeks hiking the Appalachian Trail -- as GM Brian Cashman first indicated -- but instead the offense was in Buenos Aires, Argentina, he told Cat Fancy.

Yankeetorial: If we don't start hitting, it's time to ask the hard questions about PEDs

In his late incarnations as a Yankee, Jason Giambi never enjoyed the kind of seasons he had while juicing. Fans appreciated his honesty, and they cheered his long struggle back to a serviceable level. But he was never the hitter he'd been while on the needle.

In fact, no player caught juicing has yet to produce the same numbers, after going cold turkey on hot sauce.

When Alex Rodriguez homered May 8 in his first at-bat after recovering from surgery, Baltimore fans gave him a standing ovation. That night, he seemed to be silencing any doubts about his greatness.

Now, we watch him move like Giambi, a ghost of the player we once knew.

Moreover, for two years, Yank fans have eyed an all-star batting order -- top to bottom -- as it tanks, lists and sinks. Nobody hits. Here we go again.

This year, the team has higher home run totals, because it plays in a bandbox.

But our so-called superstars don't look the same.

Are we a team in drug withdrawal?

Because we sure look like one.

What Are The Chances?

Of Universal Health Care being in place, covering all citizens of the blue states, by the end of 2009, or the Yankees winning a series from anyone during the same time frame?

Of Nick Green having a better year than Derek Jeter?

Of Wilson Betemit having a higher batting average and slugging percentage, driving in more runs and committing fewer errors than A-Rod?

Of Johnny Damon and Hideki Matsui being less effective by season's end than Xavier Nady?

Of Phi Hughes being a better relief pitcher than Joba Chamberlin is as a starter?

Of Andy Pettitte regretting he signed on for another year?

Of Steven Jackson having a better season than CC Sabathia?

Of Brian Cashman signing on as general manager of the New York Islanders?

Of the New York Knicks drafting a better first round player than the Yankees?

Of Austin Jackson staying a Yankee?

Of anything?

Thought of the Day

"The Hamptons"

Who'll be stuck longer? Yanks in Afghanistan or Yanks in ARod?

Cast your vote.

We are lost, hungry and we are being hunted

This is how I feel right now when sitting down to post.

It's a long season.

We're not throwing in the towel.

But JEEEZEZ... this is Blair Witch Project stuff, third day, where they're hiking through the woods and suddenly realize they're going in circles, because they're back at the tree bridge over the stream, and the girl starts screaming. We are right the hell where we were last year:


End this. Kill us now. Don't drag us into the basement of some creepy house and make us look into the corners. Do it. Now. Get it over with.

I Thought The Problem Is, They're Streaky. Which Wouldn't Necessarily Be A Problem, In The End. But I Changed My Mind. The Problem Is...

...They can play the Mets. They can play the Braves. They can play the Marlins. They can even play the effing Nationals. But it doesn't matter who they play. Because when they look across the field...

They see Red Sox.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Our lineup

Let's Take A Look At John & Suzyn's Talking Points Of The Day, Sponsored By Lowe's.

Lowe's 2

BREAKING: John got trapped in an elevator for eight minutes and had to climb out. Suzyn had to climb stairs (!) from the basement to the broadcast booth, which is on the roof! So Atlanta's Hillbilly Stadium and its bullshit cracker "infrystructure" have J&S all flustered, breathless and freaked out, and their talking points are all mushed in together. But they sound something like:

- The Yankees have got to start winning some baseball games.
- They cannot keep losing series. Not if they want to stay in the pennant race.
- Something about the Yankees not being able to hit, ever. And would it kill A-Rod to get a hit?
Lowe's. Let's Build Something.... Togethaaah!

UPDATE, BOTTOM 5: John & Suzyn now assert that tonight is not Wang's fault, because look at the team he has to play on.

When John Henry was a little baby, sittin' on his daddy's knee, he accessed his keyboard and he twittered on his phone and said...

I don't care which lineup is better, or cheaper, whatever.

I'm just glad this Bozo doesn't own the Yankees.

... Skitch Henderson and the NBC Orchestra, and me, I'm... dead.

And the final answer for the Great Carnac is...
Rest in Peace, Ed McMahon.

Where's My Son Alphonso ?

I haven't heard from him in 5 days.

He hates the Governor of South Carolina, so I don't think he went with him on that "walk about" on the Appalachian trail.

I know he has been dismayed by the lifeless play of the Yankees and, usually when that happens, he goes back to Mexico and drinks himself into a stupor.

But I called the Cantina and they haven't seen him since we lost 3 to the fucking Red Sock up in that city in Massachusetts.

I know he has been working on a new business idea; Alphonso feels there is a natural market for cheeseburgers in a can.  

He travels so much by bus, he thinks it could be a convenient, value product sold at bus stations across the country and in Mexican small towns. So he may be meeting with some cattle ranchers in Wisconsin.

I know he already has a deal with Sidney Ponson to be featured on the can label.

But then again, Alphonso has never really had much of a head for business.

H sent me an email a week ago raving about Austin Jackson ( he used to think AJ was a former President from Texas ).  He said that Kirby Puckett hit no home runs in 583 at bats as a rookie for the Twins in 1984.

We all know that changed pretty quick.

But Alphonso's reasoning is always that sharp;  he once asked me if Woody Woodpecker had ever had a son.

I think he was doing a crossword.

Question of the Day, Take II

Chien-Ming Loads Up On Protein

As the forth of July approaches, and hamburgers grace the grills of all Yankee Americans, one representative from Taiwan huddles in fear.

A star pitcher, one lis-franc ago, Chien-Ming now has the fate of the ball club in his meaty hands.

To prepare for tonight's opener against the NL Braves, Chien-Ming has headed off to the hill country surrounding Atlanta for some down home BBQ.

His preference is pulled pork, ribs and potato salad but tonight, he will eat 5  half-pounders before he warms up in the bullpen.

While consumption of this magnitude could make him sluggish, he feels this extra stomach weight will keep his sliders low to the ground.

Kei Igawa made this dietetic ritual recommendation to his former teammate.

I'm looking for Chien's best outing of the year.

Question of the Day

World to end? Klapisch column actually offers news

But the Klapper sure buried it. Twenty feet below surface of today's fulmination lurks this tidbit.

It’s because Girardi knows his managerial career will be over if he gets fired by the Yankees. The team is feeling the angst over ticket sales — they failed to sell out the Subway Series and are urgently reminding fans that seats are available for the Red Sox series in August.
Record reader Steve Gigante, a season-ticket holder who is being solicited by the team, wrote, “At the old stadium, they did not have to e-mail me every business day to ask me if I wanted to buy tickets to the Yankees vs. the Red Sox.”

Can you imagine that?

As we know, nobody can predict what's going to happen in the game of baseball.

But throughout human history, the downfall of great empires and organizations is quite predictable. I can't help but feel that the replacement of Yankee Stadium will go down as one of the biggest boondoggles of our time.

Highlights of Mets Celebration of Fox News Night at Citi Field

The New York Mets Saturday transformed Citi Field into a veritable Bush Gardens, as the team hosted Fox Fan Night. On hand were some of the stars of Fox News Channel, including Gretchen Carlson, Brian Kilmeade and Steve Doocy.

Greta van Susteren gave a facelift to the usual dull proceedings by throwing out the first ball.

Other highlights of the evening:

1. Only righty pitchers allowed.

3. During 7th inning stretch, Glen Beck doused mock Planned Parenthood clinic with gasoline.

3. Commentators overruled umps' calls.

4. First 4,000 fans received courtesy teabags.

5. Mets' loss to Tampa blamed on Barack Obama.

6. Overhead predator drones harassed opposing outfielders.

7. Mets ball girls wore no jerseys.

8. All Latino players benched.

9. Sarah Palin and family attended; during a break in the action, Palin’s daughter was knocked-up by Arod. (Whoops! How'd that get in there? Sorrrrry.)

CORRECTION NO 9: Scoreboard listed visiting team as "Socialists."

10. Crowd chanted, "We want a terror strike!"

Monday, June 22, 2009

Girardi, inspired by Iranians, vows to fight stolen Marlin game

Embattled Yankee leader vows to continue protest, saying "Nady's revolution" shall be victorious.

Whitey and Whitney

photo by Wanda Fraud
Regards to our rural compadres from The Frauds!