Sunday, August 31, 2008

Kelly Downs Fulfills Yank Fan Fantasies

In the eighth inning Sunday, he beaned Arod and Giambi, consecutively.

For any other team, putting two men on with one out might have opened up the flood gates.

We didn't score.

Bush Welcomes Hope for New Orleans

Yanks Successfully Complete Latest False Dodge

NEW YORK _ Noting that summer doesn't officially end until Sept. 21, and that the final days of Yankee Stadium deserve nothing less than the greatest comeback in the history of sports, the Yankees Sunday postponed their dramatic final charge to defend the 2007 Wild Card crown until a later, unspecified date.

"It's just too early," team president Randy Levine told reporters, after ordering his troops earlier in the day to give a tough victory to Toronto. "If we start hitting and fielding now, hell, we could be 10 games ahead by Oct. 2, and where's the made-for-TV movie in that?"

Yankee savior Sunday was Robinson Cano, who miraculously turned a doubleplay ball into a Blue Jay rally, insuring that the surge would not start prematurely.

Today, the Yanks plan to lose to Roy Halladay, further improving their chances for the greatest comeback in history. But Levine cautioned reporters about assuming the wild card drive will start next week.

"Think about this," he said. "What if a team were mathematically eliminated -- and still managed to win! Wouldn't that be unbelieveable? Wouldn't that make a movie? I mean, woah! I'd like to see the Boston Red Sox faces after we come back from a 10-game deficit with only four games to go. Would that be great! I mean, woah! Hey, let's do another dooby. I mean, woah."

Saturday, August 30, 2008

The Redsocks Rivalry Will Never Be the Same

Wednesday night, I lost a great, great friend.

His name was John Bonfatti. Everybody called him Jay. And anyone who met the guy soon recognized an unforgettable personality. He was a solid journalist, a writer for AP and The Buffalo News, though career points cannot begin to describe his presence. I've never known anybody with more friends or a kinder heart. Jay visited his brother’s family on Cape Cod, had a glorious day, went to bed that night and did not wake up. He was just 52.

Jay was a Redsock diehard, which meant we enjoyed one of those Ying-Yang relationships common to New York and Boston sports fans. Every Yank nutcase has a few Redsock counterparts, and that’s the meat of the rivalry – believe me, it’s not Mariano vs Youk – it’s only your close friends that make playing Boston special. And whatever happens, hell, it’s always an excuse to call.

I was with Jay the night that ball rolled through Bill Buckner’s legs in 1986. We were at a party, and, of course, I was boycotting the MetSock World Series. All night, Jay humped the TV, screaming as Boston built its insurmoutable lead. With the final glory in sight, I quit moping and stood nearby. I remember Jay shouting, “This is the closest we’ve ever been!” And with the Mets at their seemingly final gasp, he started yowling. That’s the only way to describe it. Wait -- no -- let me take that back. He was “yeeeeing.” It was the sound that your windshield wiper splashers make, when you're out of fluid, except that it was 100 times louder. He yeeeeeed until that ball rolled into right field. Oh, it was painful to watch. I couldn’t even razz him for – well – maybe for a day or two. But that's how it had to be.

Wednesday, I'm told Jay had a glorious day with family. I have to believe they watched the Yankee-Redsock game that night. If I know Jay, he was giddy over the outcome -- the Dustin Pedroia grand slam, the 11-3 rout that basically ended the Yankee season.

I imagine him yeeeeeing. God, I hope he was yeeeeing.

At this point, please bear with me, because it's really late, I should be in bed, and I’m not sure if what I’m about to write makes any sense.

But to me, this lame 2008 Yankee team is finally worth it.

I’m sitting here, and I'm just thinking how my friend must have gone to bed laughing. The Yankees gave him a smile on the last day of his life.

There was a reason, after all.

Rest in peace, Jay.

Your team won the last game.

I suspect I’ll never hear the end of this.

Friday, August 29, 2008

Carl Pavano is great

Time to Elect a New Yankee Employee of the Month

It seems a lifetime but has only been four weeks.

Ladies and gentlemen, from the thousands of potential working pool YANKEE EMPLOYEES OF THE MONTH, we have culled the finest talent, the sweetest beings, the greatest achievers... but we leave it for you to exercise your Power of Democracy.

It will soon be time for Sidney Ponson to retire off his JULY YANKEE EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH crown... but upon whose head shall the month of August soon rest?


Wanted: New ARod guru

Open Letter to the Yankiverse...

Dear Madam or Sir:

Madonna has failed as Arod's soul confidante, giver of wisdom and shield against trenchmouth.

Also, the next four weeks of booing will do to Arod's mind what carpet-bombing once did to the Serbs.

Considering his wealth, his talent and that sexy pout-face that he gins up while walking back to the bench after a whiff, it's clear that Arod now qualifies for that exclusive ring of celebrity meglomaniacs who deserve their own 24/7, all-wise, feces-flinging guru.

Yes, he needs a personal lodestone/brownose, a spiritual Kato Kaelin, someone like the motivational nutjob played by Tom Cruise in the 1990s film "Magnolia," the one who celebrates stiffies and tells women, "I'm gonna eat your cherry pie, sweet mama baby!" in a way that we only later realized is actually Cruise's own couch-jumping persona.

Unfortunately, Cruise has become a top cheesedick in the International Church of Scientology & Varmint Control Inc., and until the Stepford chip takes full function of his wife's left lobe, he has no time to take on the hooker-loving Arod.

Now, I know what you're saying: "Aww, fukinay, Dukie, Arod don't need no gyadamm gu-roooo. He got ol' Warren Buffet, the wealthiest sumbich in Omaha, the stock market bellweather -- whatever that is -- and owner of the Buffalo News." (You readers have a way with words.)

Sorry. Arod needs somebody with bejeweled fingers, facial ticks and the big bare feet. That's also why the LA Kaballah/Weight Loss Center, funded by Madonna and run by real estate agents, just won't cut it.

Nope. We're thinking of Canada's top saucerologist, the inspiring cult leader Rael, a former speed racer named Claude who got probed by aliens -- no tearing, they were as gentle as Elvis was with the 16-year-old Priscilla -- and saw the light. Rael (pictured right) leads a way-cool cult that claims to clone people, sort of like the way the GOP manages to find extra votes in Florida.

Check out the amulet. Arod needs an amulet. When combing the strip clubs after a big Yank win, Arod can explain to the topless fans about how mankind was created in an alien lab broth, and how the Kevin Youkilis strain is just a horrible mistake. If we can get Arod in with the Raelians, his career will soar, even though the lack of future business could cause Hooters stock to decline.

Our only fear: The Mother Ship comes to whisk him away.

Let's deal with that when it happens.

Thursday, August 28, 2008


It just might be his last, best Sterl Hurl of the season:



Cardiac Yanks Pull within Six of Struggling Redsocks

Jason Giambi (pictured below) keys big 3-2 victory to keep Wild Card dream alive.

Beginning tomorrow: Three games against Toronto.
If we sweep, we knock them out!
Hear that, A.J. Burnett? We're bringing the Wild Card trophy and comin' to get you!

What just happened?

Did we, like, win or something?

Open Letter to Boston: Please, Please, Please, Put this Dog to Sleep

Dear Madams or Sirs,

A moral human being is obligated to never let an animal needlessly suffer.

It's difficult sometimes, making that tough decision to take a semi-sentient life.

But it is the humane thing to do.

Today, you must put out of misery a pathetic dog that, if allowed to live, would only suffer in pain and then die soon enough, anyway.

Do your duty.

And remember: Better to be safe than sorry.

Even if the body has stopped twitching, put an extra bullet into the head.

Ruminations by Suzyn and John on a defeat

Wake Me Up When September Ends

Open Letter to the Yankiverse...

Dear Madam or Sir:

Take a good look at this logo. What do you see?

Stars and Stripes... symbolizing flag and country.

A traditional top hat... symbolizing money, capitalism, Wall Street.

A long hard bat entering a woman-shaped vessel. Check out the curves on that hat. Hell, this isn't symbolizing anything. They might as well use a still-shot from the Tommy Lee-Pamela Anderson milkbath video.

Patriotism. Power. Propagation.

Folks, that's us.

That's America.

And throughout U.S. history, when the Yanks suffer E.D., so does the country.

Hell, maybe it's vice-versa. Maybe the nation falls apart first, and then the Yanks follow suit. Nobody knows. It's nobody else's business, and we don't talk about bedroom-baseball. But you could look it up. The Collapse of '29. The Depression. World War II. Vietnam. Watergate. The savings & loan crisis. September 11th. The war in Iraq. The subprime crisis.

When the country flounders, so do the Yankees.

When the Yankees fall, so does the country. (Keep in mind, the last two Presidents to oversee Yankee failures got impeached.)

So.... now what?

Twenty percent of the American public believes our country is on the right track. Those people no doubt spend a lot of time watching Fox News.

Probably 20 percent of the Yank fan base feels the same about this team. No doubt, they stay glued to the Yes Network, and they believe that we can buy out of this mess with free agents -- which is sort of like thinking the country can drill its way overnight to cheap gas.

Hold on: I'm not casting judgment or trying to make a political point. This isn't about who should be President. I have my own opinions, but hell... I believed in Phil Hughes.

But think about this. Why would it be far-fetched to think the Yank and America aren't emotionally joined at the hip?

Can there be no better barometer for the self-image of a nation than the flagship team of its national pastime?

Unlike the National League, which had two teams in New York, the American League was built to revolve around the mighty Yankees, where were built of money and put on display in the world's most iconic sports venue.

They are tearing down Yankee Stadium.

And the Bombers just shat the bed.

Their bats are like dead canaries in a mine shaft.

Get ready to rumble.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

No pissing allowed, sir ...

A man claimed he was thrown out of Yankee Stadium Tuesday night for trying to go to the toilet.

Hey ... can we throw the whole team out for going in the toilet this season?

Evacuation Procedures!

Yanks Announce Plan to Start Playing Really Hard Next Week

NEW YORK _ The defending American League Wild Card Champion Yankees announced today that it's still too early to actually start playing hard, as they march ever forward in pursuit of the 2008 post-season.

"There's 30 games left, and we don't want to lose key players to injuries," manager Joe Girardi told reporters, somewhere in the middle of a 11-3 game, which was called due to all 56,000 fans having left the stadium. "We're going to wait to make our move. Victor Zambrano is getting it together in Trenton. Phil "the Franchise" Hughes is looking good at Scranton. When we get those big guns back, we can rev it up. Let me get back to you sometime around Sept. 15."

A pivotal moment in Wednesday's game came when Bobby "The Wallflower" Abreu made certain that he didn't come within spitting distance of the right field wall, while chasing a fly ball triple. Abreu flailed and waved at the ball with his glove, as it hit about four feet up on the wall.

Girardi hailed the instincts of the veteran star.

"If we were later in the season, and we absolutely, absolutely needed to win the game, then I'd want Abreu to go all out," Girardi said. "Some players would chase that ball right into the wall, but it's much too early, there's too much baseball left to play, and we need Bobby for the stretch drive."

Girardi also praised Jason Giambi for his fighting spirit in hitting a bases-empty home run to make the score 11-3.

"He showed them something tonight," the manager said. "Some people might have been counting us out, but when we're down by 9, that's when we're most dangerous. They had to find out the hard way. Ha. The joke was on them, I guess."

Interview with a spaceman

In Tuesday's game, John met with U.S. astronaut Dr. Garrett Reisman...

A Rumination by Suzyn and John Regarding Disappointment

Last night. Eighth.

And you thought you felt pain... ?

Will You Guys Make Up Your Friggin Minds?

Let me begin by saying that I don't know how
one spells, " friggin." Is it with an " e " or an "i ?"

Is it always capitalized? In all of my creative
writing courses at Harvard, I was never permitted to use what you would call " curse " words, so I can't spell them.

My English professor, like many of the
owners and professional journalists at IIH,IIF,IIc, was a man of faith and believed that we would be stricken with a plague if we used anything ( word, object, date ) in vain ( or is it vein)?

Anyway, I digress.

One home opener Yankee loss to the new ( and real ) "evil empire," and you are all ready to throw in the towel?

Let me tell you what the true Yankee fans know:

1. Andy is 39 years old and we can't expect him to be the "big game" savior he once was. Let me just remind those of you who are over ain't what you used to be either. Even just driving to work and sitting at a desk. This is professional baseball, and when guys get old they lose their skills. Andy has done his best, and he can't throw a knuckle-ball.

2. I have advised this column on many occasions that:

A. The Yankees never should have acquired A-Rod.
B. That he will never help the Yankees win a WS.
C. That he puts up MVP numbers when it doesn't matter.
D. That the Cashman-led brain trust made the mistake of their lives when they didn't let him go earlier, when his agent thought he could get $1 Billion in competitive bidding for this fine player.

So what is the big shock?

You should expect him to strike out ( if he is having a good day) or hit into a DP, with the bases loaded and less than two out, in a game we must have.

Because I have my expectations properly centered, I am not disappointed at all. He does what I know he will do. Why boo a guy who we all know fails in those circumstances? He is what he is.

And he is under pressure; divorce; chippies beckoning; Madonna trying to convert him to a Kabbala jihadist; posing for men's fashion magazines...or on big rocks in Central Park.

How would we hit the next day if we were sitting naked in Madonna's apartment worrying about what we were going to tell the wife about why it took so long to walk the dog?

Personally, I don't know how he finds the time to show up for all the games. Manny couldn't do that.

3. Are there still Yankee fans out there who are hoping we will re-sign Jason G to be the first baseman next season? Molina, in his brief stint there the other night, was the better defender and, quietly, is getting more big hits than anyone on the Yankees.

4. And who wouldn't like to see a 4 X 400 meter relay team of Posada, Matsui, Sidney, and Molina?

5. The Yankees plan to keep Derek at short until he retires. So, the guy we of the best players the Yankees have ever of the great thrills for fans who love to see young talent emerge and energize the team.....will one day be " booed " ( bood, booo-ood?) for losing all but a foot or two of range, in both directions.

But will the Yankees adress the issue? Are they drafting shortstops, trading for young talent? We just traded away AG, the only guy in our minor league system who could even be considered a prospect ( and he wasn't ).

6. The Yankee brain trust is getting more and more like Pres. Bush....even if it is clear that you are about to drive the bus off the cliff, never, ever, change your approach to anything. It might look bad for your image.

7. So, let's turn to the future;

A. First, the experienced guys:

Abreu wants to come back; so does Hideki; and you know Jorge thinks he has another great decade or so ahead of him, behind the plate. Andy might be persuaded, if only to stay away from Roger Clemens. Moose returns, for sure (one of his best Yankee years ever). And Damon, who can't throw, catch, run or go deep is primed to play center again. Carl Pavano has to be re-signed after going 1-0 in his return. I'd predict; another 4 years at an even $40 million.

As long as Rivera can pitch well into his forties, we don't need to address the "closer" situation.

And A-Rod has 26 more years, with escalation clauses, on his contract. So we've got him locked up. This helps our major league talent scounts narrow their focus because we don't need to draft third basemen for our minor league teams. We can have spare catchers play the spot; or pitchers who can't pitch; or anyone named Duncan .

B. Now for the young ( this is where it really gets exciting ):

A. Melky is lighting it up at AAA. He deserves a shot in September. I think he could be a fine defender, albeit a .240 singles hitter with speed ( but who cannot steal bases ). He just needs experience. Flanked by Hideki and Abreu, who could ask for a better defensive outfield?

B. Cano is at risk of getting the "yips." Expectations for him have been set too high. No more Larry Bowa to speak the truth to him. Not to worry; we have Wilson Betemit.

C. Edwar , oh Edwar. I guess I forgot to mention that, in addition to his 0.80 ERA in the independent Mexico dirt field league, he always gives up home runs with men on base. He holds the record in Mexico ( and Venezuela, the Dominica, and Puerto Rico ) for grand slams. His weakness; he only has the one pitch.

D. Ian Kennedy - By contract with IIH,IIF,IIc, and in recognition of a recently served Tully-Lake restraining order, I am not permitted to comment on this prospect. I'll just quietly allow his performance to speak for itself.

E. I am in negotiations right now with some unnamed folks in Vegas to establish odds on the likelihood of Phil Hughes ever winning a game, at any level, for the Yankees. This may be an opportunity for all the blog readers to get rich.

My scouts currently have him at 0-0, with an ERA of 8.47 at Scranton. They say his fastball is not registering on the speed gun, which has a " fail-safe " low mph threshold ( i.e. it doesn't kick in ) of 74 mph. And the fact that Carl Pavano got back to the stadium before this 22 year-old phenom speaks volumes.

F. Dr. Andrews - The Yankee's biggest hope is in the hands of this fine surgeon. Nearly every young Yankee pitcher ( young, in Yankee terms, is 32 or less ) is currently under his care, in re-hab, or about to make the trip to the top draft pick whom we did manage to sign ). Luckily, we have no position players with serious arm injuries.....or worth surgery, in any case.

G. And pay attention to this one - there are no hidden gems in the Yankee minor league system who will ever be a Derek, a Bernie, an Andy, a Mariano, a Jorge or even a Homer Bush. There is only Jesus who, at 6'6," 275 pounds and still growing, is really unlikely to be a major league catcher. His speed to first base ( running ) is now 10 seconds flat.

Better the Giants sign him to play defensive end.

In Conclusion:

Please wake-up and smell the roses. This Yankee team is still very much in the hunt and is unlikely to be mathematically eliminated until well into the NFL season.

I say, "Can't we all just get along and enjoy the games" ?

With a new regime on the horizon ( GM, Owners, Sports Writers, Fan Base, Bleacher Creachers, Stadium, etc ), about 10 number 1 top draft picks , and some blind luck, and we could re-wind the tape to 1996.

I do suggest, however, that you find some new interests for about the next ten summers.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Lights Out

The Hope: Let Arod Make the Final Out

Yeah. That would be fitting.

Let's hope somebody gets a base hit, so Arod can come to bat and hear the love.

This is absolutely making me sick.

You know, I have tried. Seriously. I have tried not to hate the bastard. Really. But fuck this. I can't stand it. I CAN'T STAND IT.

If I could invent a time machine, I would go back to that period when the Redsocks had him, but the union wouldn't let him take a paycut, so the deal was scrapped. I would change it. I would leave a trail of bodies. I would do what had to be done.

Now, it's too late.

He should be batting eighth

And you know who I'm talking about.

Now or Never for an 8-second Win Warble?

John's best this season still stands at 7.50.

Tonite... eight?

Here's how it would look on paper.

BAWGAME OVER! (1.00) YANKEES WIN! (2.10) THU-UH-UH-UH-UH-(4.30)-UH-UH-UH-UH-UH-UH-UH(5.20)-UH-uh-uh-uh-uh... (6.50)... Yannnn-keeeeees... (7.30) WINNNNNNNNNNuhhhhhhhaawgh... (8.00)

Instant Replay!

1988 Yankees versus 2008 Yankees: Starting Pitchers

All this talk about Dream Team versus Redeem Team has us thinking.

Whose starters are better?

1988 Yankees or 2008 Yankees?

Before you choke on your salad -- the comparison is a good one.

The 1988 Yanks finished 85-76.

Today's team stands at 70-60.

You know enough about the Ponsons, Pettittes, Pavanos, Rasners, and Mussinas of the world -- so we'll focus on selected Yankee arms from 20 years ago.

Tommy John (LHP)

Pictured here at rest between starts, Tommy John hit 6 batters (hurting none).

John Candelaria (LHP)

An absolute ass-magnet at home and on the road, Candy Man paced the club with 13 wins.

Richard Dotson (RHP)

With a fastball as straight as the brim of his Yankee cap, Dotson served up 27 home runs.

Rick Rhoden (RHP and golf legend)

Our very own Magnum, PI threw 5 complete games.

The Honorable Alois Terry Leiter (R-New Jersey)

At age 22, Al Leiter couldn't run for Congress, but he showed promise by registering 4 balks in only 57.3 innings pitched.

A Rumination by Suzyn and John Regarding Time

Sportswriter William Blake on Tonight's Game

To see a world in a grain of sand,
And a heaven in a wild flower,
Hold the playoffs in the palm of your hand,
And eternity in an hour.

A bullpen fill'd with doves and pigeons
Gives up runs thru' all its regions.
A boat sunk at its master's buoy
Predicts the ruin of our Matsui.

Each outgrowth of Giambi hair
A fibre from the brain does tear.
With Joba wounded in the wing,
A cherubim does cease to sing.

The ARod clipt and arm'd for fight
Hopes pitcher hurls from left, not right.
Every Pudge and Damon howl
Sends to hell a redsock soul.

The bat that flits at close of eve
Has kill't the fans that won't believe.
The team that calls upon tonight
Shall send the loser home in fright.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Anatomy of a Page Six Scoop about Joba & Jason

This is what the Daily Murdoch had to say today on its Page Six, which generally does to journalism each day what Joe Lieberman is planning to do to the Democratic Party next week. (Our analysis in italics, like this. Get it?)

"IT would be tough for average Joes to beat a couple of Yankees at baseball," (The writer must not be following the Yanks this year.)

"... but slamming them in a game of beer pong was no sweat." (If Edwar Ramirez had been pitching, grand slamming them would have been no sweat.)

"Last week, Jason Giambi and Joba Chamberlain were celebrating their win against the Kansas City Royals at Southern Hospitality, on Second Avenue..." (This says it all: The Yanks "celebrating" a win at home against Kansas City?)

"... when a table of fans challenged them to a game of the college drinking sport." (Let's guess: Did a couple of those fans happen to have have wandering, bulbous, fleshy, nippled cholumbes protruding from their unholstered upper torsos?)

"Our spy said, "The fans gave them a beating. Toward the end Chamberlain and Giambi got really competitive, but it wasn't enough." (Sounds like a recap of the general season, eh?)

(Thanks to that mystery man, Anonymous, for the tip.)

Yanks Not Sure Whether to Start Pennant Charge Now or Wait Another Week

This is the headline on the Yankees website:

Now's the time for Bombers to go for it

Oh, really?

Isn't that editorializing a bit? Shouldn't journalists keep their opinions to themselves?

There are about 30 games left. Maybe Girardi has a plan. Maybe the jockey who starts whipping his horse too far from the finish line ends up getting thrown. Anybody think about that?

You bet Joe Girardi has.

Why start now? Wouldn't it be cooler to start playing really hard next week, or the week after next?

If what we're talking about is an incredible, made-for-TV ending, why should we throw everything into each game now? We should play .500 ball until until, say, Sept. 15 -- and then really, really, really, REALLY try -- I mean, absolutely, really, really really, OMG I mean really try -- as opposed to just sort of, you know, try.

Just trying to offer some alternatives. No pack journalism around here.

John's Sunday Win Warble 7:31 seconds, Year's 2nd Longest

He was revved by fear of I-Rod nearly throwing the game away.

Is he stretching himself out, seeking to beat his 7:50 record this week?

Hear the sound of joy... 7:31 seconds worth!

Comments on Phil Hughes' Dead Weblog Tell It All

It's hard to say which has been more disappointing:

Phil Hughes as a Yankee pitcher, or Phil Hughes as a blogger.

When Phil started last spring -- then, a can't-miss Yank prospect -- the world beat a brown-nosed path to his door. In June, Sir Philip of Scranton abandoned his blog.

But comments keep coming. Consider these from the latest empty entry, marked UPDATE:

jblackmets111 (12:42:48) :


jblackmets111 (12:43:25):

Ben hamblen likes men

bosoxwschamps (12:44:50) chimes in:

ben hamblen DOES like men. he also said he would suck paul pierce’s penis if it meant hanging out with him for the day.

And so it goes...

Fay Demoted, Making Her the Melky Cabrera of Tropical Storms

A few of you may be thinking: 'This is wrong, because a tropical storm like Fay, which did so much damage, should not be compared to a certain Yankee centerfielder, now in Scranton.'

No doubt, a few others are saying, 'Dammit, why so tough on Melky?"
Sometimes, metaphorical truth hurts.

The scouts predicted Fay would grow into a solid, five-tool hurricane. Out in the Atlantic, she showed potential power, speed, strength, size and an ability to hit for average. She could throw people out, damage opposing orders, and maybe become an all-time great. When she whiffed and didn't make Cat-1 status, the sportwriters said, "Hah! Just another overhyped NASA prospect! She can't hit! Send her to Tampa! She'll never be a major league storm!"

Well, dammit, nobody told Fay. The plucky low pressure center took her shot at center field, forcing the Weather Service to move Johnny Damon into left. OK, maybe she wasn't the Perfect Storm that hurricane fans wanted, but a Katrina only comes once in a generation. In her rookie debut, Fay played hard, with or without hurricane status. She cut a swath across Florida, got her uniform dirty, then returned to wreak havoc. You think she couldn't hit? The governor of Florida named her to his 2008 all-star storm team. She proved the "experts" wrong.

Then, suddenly, Fay couldn't buy a basehit, and her fielding suffered. It doesn't look as if she'll ever make it as a hurricane.
If this were a movie, like Rocky or Karate Kid, Fay would go out into the Gulf. There, she would meet an old, loveable, has-been hurricane, who would teach her the ancient ways of ripping the roofs off hotels. She would drink eggs, train hard to Frank Stallone music, get the "Eye of the Tiger," become a full Cat-5, go back to Florida with "the Force" being with her, and bat .400 for the rest of the season.

She'd pound Tampa Bay pitching, then lead the Yanks up the AL East, obliterating Balitmore and Toronto, and then curving over to Boston. She'd would hit 150 on the radar gun, drive in 100 runs, and nobody would ever call her a Tropical Depression again or complain that the Redsocks have a better young hurricane in Jacoby Ellsbury.
The Yanks need Fay back in September. Let's just hope this time in Scranton helps restore her batting eye.

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Pete Abe quote of the day

The brilliance continues from the Rimbaud of Rockland County:
"Marte’s left elbow was wrapped in enough ice to chill three cases of beer."

Off topic: You'll love this

We pride ourselves on striving for original content, but this thing at is so cool we had to break radio silence to give you a heads up.

Be the first in your office tomorrow to send around the link to Zoom Service, where you can zoom in to anything and everything in high-def at Yankee Stadium.

Very neat.

Three Wins in a Row, and We'll Have Done Seven of Nine

OK, look, I know we're beating this to death. But we've won three in a row, the mojo is working, and we gotta do our part.

Just be thankful we didn't fix on Mini-Me. That would hurt.

Take a bow, Edwar Ramirez!

Winner of the 2008 Eric Plunk Award!

Brand New Madonna Photo to Further Creep Out Yank Fans Over Arod Love Implications


Adds a new meaning to the phrase, "runner in scoring position."

And check out the guns!

Anybody thinking what I'm thinking...?

Brian McNamee.

Yankee quote of the day

Carl Pavano: “This is what I get paid to do."

Scrappy Pavano Teaching Yanks to Dig Deep, Believe in Self, Never Quit

The headlines we dreamed of.





Or the backpages...


Wouldn't You Know? Jose Tabata is Now Tearing up His League

It didn't take long for the Yankeeverse to fling buckets of judgement on Jose Tabata, the former future Yank hall-of-famer we flipped for Xavier Nady and Home Run Marte (Marte, by the way, is Spanish for "Traber.")

As soon as we traded Tabata, the verdict was unanimous.


Head case. Maturity issues. Lack of hustle. Less power. Middling talent. No loss.

No surprises, here. The Yank Matrix hypes Yanks farmhands like crotch shots of Britney Spears. Every 19-year-old future phys. ed. teacher we sign out of some Dirt Track League is the next Roberto Clemente -- that is, until we trade him for some washed up El Guapo and a deck of French playing cards. Then he becomes a future never-was -- another reason to stand and salute the human computer/corporate performance artist that is Brian Cashman.

Well, OK... for the record... we favored the Nady trade.

Our philosphy? What the hell. Back then, it looked like we were in a Wild Card race. (AND WE STILL ARE, BTW. SEVEN OF NINE, BABY, SEVEN OF NINE!)

Also for the record, the Pirates -- pleasuring themselves with Jeff Karstens -- now have their hands under the jiggling table over Tabata.

In 12 games since the trade, Tabata is hitting nearly .400 with power (1 HR) and speed (4 SB.)

Maybe there was something to those comparisons to Manny, after all.

Dancing in the Aisles at Mama Mia?

Anybody catch this Easter egg in Ty Kobbner's NYT piece today about the Bronx Buttocks?

When the Yankees were courting Pavano in 2004 — taking him to “Mamma Mia!” on Broadway, with General Manager Brian Cashman dancing in the aisles — they never could have expected what would happen to their $39.95 million, and medical expenses.


Saturday, August 23, 2008

Exclusive! Hank's secret preseason plan revealed!

(click on the document to get a clearer view)

Pavano to Kick-Off "Celebration of Yank Atrocities Week"

NEW YORK _ The long-awaited return of Carl "the Bronx Buttocks" Pavano launches a weeklong celebration of Yankee horror shows, jubilant team president Randy Levine said Friday.

“Thanks to our affiliation with KBR Contractors, a division of Halliburton, the Yankees plan to bring back the greatest debacles in their glorious history, names that will reassure all fans that it's a mercy killing to demolish the famed cathedral of baseball known as Yankee Stadium,” Levine said. “In fact, they might even take a jack-hammer to it before the season ends, which will be fine, because it would save on demolition costs and maybe allow us to resign Giambi.”

Following Pavano’s start, the team will relive daily special "theme debacles."

EIGHTIES DAY: Manager Joe Girardi has named as starter Eddie Lee Whitson, with Lenn Sakata filling in at second for the slumping Sandy Alomar Sr. The electrified corpse of Syd Thrift will throw out the ceremonial first pitch.

YOUTH DAY: Steve Whitaker, Roger Repoz and Jim Lyttle will man the outfield, with Sam Milletello on the mound. After hurting himself in the first inning, he’ll be followed by Phil Hughes, Ian Kennedy and Alan Horne. If either of the Duncan Boys, Shelley or Eric, get on base, Justin “Go ahead, try to pick me off” Christian will pinch run!

ILLEGAL SUBSTANCE AND ALCOHOL ABUSE DAY. Daryl, Doc, Dale Berra and the entire Roger Clemens posse will be on hand, in a firehose tug-of-war competition with Jose Canseco's World Team. Following the battle, radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh will cut the ribbon on the giant spoon monument in centerfield, immortalizing the career of Steve Howe.

FREE AGENT DAY: Holy Cow! Steve Kemp leads off in right, with Jerry Mumphrey in center and Omar Moreno in left, hitting into doubleplays with nobody on. As yet, Jason Giambi is uncommitted. Pitching will be the one and only Bob Shirley -- that is, if it's not Pavano’s turn in the rotation!

MEL HALL DAY: Every fan under the age of 14 will receive a text message from the former Yankee slugger and pride of Port Byron, NY, inviting them to a certain hotel room to meet the crew of "To Catch a Predator." Fans will also receive raw hamburger. In the seventh inning, Mel’s cougars will be unleashed into the stands.

BAD TRADE DAY: Rick Rhoden, Ken Phelps, Kevin Brown, and all 20 people involved in the Randy Johnson and Gary Sheffield trades will receive gifts and testimonials from the electrified corpse of Syd Thrift. Fans will receive an autographed picture of Player to Be Named Later.

It's a week to remember, thanks to the Yankees and KBR. Celebrate the atrocities in this great year of nonstop horrors!

Friday, August 22, 2008

Richie Sexson: The Yankee Mayfly

Hey kids, microwave some popcorn, cuddle up with your favorite teddy bear, it's time for another thrilling It is High Yankeeography. This one is titled, "Richie Sexson: The Yankee Mayfly."

It's mysterious.

It's chilling.

It's heartbreaking.

It nearly exhausted the memory on my hard drive.

Maybe I Have Been Too Hard on the Yankees

After months of personal attacks aimed at my negativity toward this year's Yankee product, I may finally be coming around.

Admittedly, my love for tequila and barrooms may have pushed me to twist the facts. Perhaps I was focusing on the wrong things.

Maybe, just maybe, you are all correct, and that this team is going to win " 7 of 9 " while the Redsox, Twins, Rays, White Sox, Tigers, Blue Jays and Orioles lose " 7 of 9."

Look what we have working for us now:

1. Carl Pavano returns to provide payback on that $39.95 million contract.

2. Kei Igawa has worked his way back to " trade bait " status, for another planned personnel raid on the Sapporo Tigers.

3. Dan Geise was a very pleasant pitching discovery before his injury.

4. Joba is already soft-tossing and will be back for an October run, once they decide on his role.

5. A-Rod is fed up with the criticism that he doesn't hustle, can't run the bases and is not a clutch hitter. He has told page 6 that, " there will not be more than two chippies a night, while on the road." So look for him to make a serious run at MVP in the next few weeks.

6. The "Godzilla" we wrestled away from Japan "returned" last night and his power numbers will continue to climb. Two months of a seaweed wrap have done wonders for that torn ACL.

7. Johhny Damon has a new glove and 100 more maple bats, ready for the post-season.

8. Pudge is settling in and will begin to hit any day now.

9. Sidney and his favorite relief tandem had a bad night, but that is out of their systems now.

10. Jose Molina showed he can provide depth at first base.

11. And while Kennedy and Hughes are still not major league ready, they are working very, very hard at Scranton and will be in Spring Training next season. My sources tell me that both have made major strides in fielding bunts to the 3rd base side of the mound.

12. Edwar Martinez, while flashing hot and cold, will be coming back with me to the South Mexican dirt-field independent league for the off season. He is an "icon " down there, will be welcomed with a donkey-led " pinata " parade, and is committed to work on that one pitch where he seems vulnerable to the grand slam.

13. Meanwhile, the Captain is red hot. " We have to start winning some games, he said. We are running out of time. More guys need to have better at-bats."

14. Robbie Cano does have the stroke to be the AL batting champ, right?

OK. So there. I'm on board. We are going to win this thing. Now. This season. I have a call in to Mayor Bloomberg to crank up the floats and cordon off lower Broadway.

McCain Lack of Memory Undermining Satire Industry

WASHINGTON _ Humor thinktanks Friday were up in arms over a claim by presidential candidate John McCain that he does not know how many houses he owns.

"How the fuck do we top that?" cried a writer for the humor magazine The Onion. "What's our headline? 'McCain says he doesn't know how many fingers he has?' That's not funny. 'McCain says he doesn't know how many times he's slept with his wife?' Christ, I'm losing it. This guy has always been our friend. How can he turn around like this and screw us? Wait! 'McCain says he doesn't know how many appendixes he is!' Aw, forget it."

Asked Friday by IIH, IIF, IIc why he cannot remember how many houses he owns, McCain deferred to a spokesman, who later said:

"John McCain spent five years in an enemy prison camp, dammit! Did you? How many reporters and think-you're-funny fuckers like you spent five years in a prison camp? When a guy -- or lady -- has spent five years in a prison camp, then maybe he -- or she! -- will have the right to ask trick questions. Until then, we're running this campaign on the issues."

Correction: A McCain spokesman later called to stress that McCain spent five and a half years in the prison camp. As for the original question, uhm, we forgot it -- wait! -- oh yeah -- "How dare Barack Obama belittle a man who spent five and a half years in a prison camp, and what does it say about our media when they are playing the "How many houses do you have?" card in their slimy attempts to confuse a former 5 and 1/2 year prisoner of war?

Solidarity for Curt: National Wear-Ketchup-on-Your-Sock Day

America's favorite Redsock may be hanging up his Heinz.

Yes, Curt Schilling says the comeback tour, a la Carl Pavano, probably won't happen.

(There, there. Try to breathe. Take a pill. No, life isn't fair. But sometimes we just have to soldier on, as if we have ketsup in our shoe.)

His election to the U.S. Senate can come later. The same with Curt's certain installation to Cooperstown, where an animated bloody sock can tell children how He brought a World Series championship to the long-suffering Bostonians, uniting the Rico and Petrocellian tribes.

Meanwhile, let's show our own support for the Schill by wearing a dab of ketsup on our socks today. A small symbol of the red paint that He hath shed for thee.Oh, and one other thing...





Thursday, August 21, 2008

Joe Torre has a blog

And he's ripping on... LA drivers?

Who's next to blog? John McCain?


Condoleezza Rice Negotiates Immediate Yank Withdrawal from Toronto


The Yankees announced tonight will leave Canada immediately and, in fact, sources say they began withdrawing forces from Toronto before the third inning was even completed...

Hank Gets it Right Again: Media Flunkies Love Redsock Bootie

Hank Steinbrenner might become the first human ever to win Yankee Employee of the Month twice.

He has become the new oracle of truth for all who've endured the last 20 years of Gammonite slurs, the pro-Redsock propaganda from the blow-dried oh-dears who hate us with the intensity of a billion suns.

Spake Hank: "Most of the national media is full of Yankee haters."

How dare he!

Oh, how they'll preen, and snigger, and spout journo-phlegm to remind everyone how they once respected the Yankees -- the oldtime Yanks -- but the modern team, it's different.

Little Joe Buck will be first.

His dad told him about Mickey and Yogi. But these teams... and this... Well, I nevah!

Then we'll hear it from Sports Center fratboys, who go to bed dreaming of Dustin Pedroia in a cupless bra.

We were quick to bust on Stubby. After one look, we sized him as a Grade A nincompoop.

You know what? He's no Gene Autry. But the boy gets it right sometimes.

Keep howling, Hank the Yank.

Big Game Tonight

What the hell.

It worked last night.

Let's keep in mind that we don't need to win this game. We only need to win seven of nine. That means we can just lose quickly and efficiently to Roy Halladay -- no muss, no fuss -- then get on to winning six in a row.

Lose tonight, win six in a row.

See? Very easy. Plus, we have the "Big Game Tonight" mojo working.

We can win this thing. Trust in the power of love.

If We Can Do Seven of Nine, We Win the Wild Card

Open Letter to the Yankeeverse...

Dear Madam or Sir:

It's tough when you think of Johnny Damon's muff, Justin Christian's pickoff and the 9 runs given up in California by the comedy team of Veras and Edwar... but darnit, we are still alive.


For the rest of this godforsaken season, all we need do is take Seven of Nine.

When you taste the bile of Pavano on the way... THINK ABOUT SEVEN OF NINE!

Yes, we're asking a lot, but dangitall to gravy, a true Yankeologist makes sacrifice.

So when times get hard, imagine us grabbing Seven of Nine.

It's not easy. It's no fun. But we can do. Seven wins of every nine. We can even forfeit tonight's game to Roy Halladay. It doesn't matter... as long as we have the mental discipline to feast ourselves on Seven of Nine!

Seven of nine. Seven of nine. Sevenofnine. Sevenovni-ohhhhh, I can feel it, ohhhhhh, pappa, yesssss, seminovnine, yesssssssssssssssssssss, Suzynnnnnmmmmm...

That'll be 28 and 8. Don't let Giambi in your head. He's a rally killer. Sem of Nine. Mantle of Maris. Mm-mm...

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

All right! We got one!! Yay!

Yo Adrian... WE DID IT!

Big Game Tonight

I gotta feeling our luck is about to turn.

Remember Rocky in that movie? (Can't remember the name.) He was down and out, too. In fact, his manager, Mickey, (Yankee connection?) had all but given up hope. Rocky couldn't catch the chicken. Rocky wasn't even doing pushups correctly. (Which is hard to do.) Actually, I may have this mixed up with the sequel. Damn, I wish I could remember the name of that movie.

Well, dammit, we're Rocky!

Yo, Adrian, we can do it!

Yesterday, we couldn't catch fly balls. We couldn't hit a beachball. We got picked off first, and we couldn't even pay a smart-ass high-school chump $5 million big ones to quit college.

That means we're ready to turn the corner -- and win the Wild Card!

Was Rocky fighting for the Wild Card?

Doesn't matter.

I got a feelin'! It starts tonight! And go to hell, Alphonso, with all your negativo crapola! Hell, if this were a bar, instead of a blog, I'd throw you out the front door physically, then steal your woman. If the Yankees lose -- I'm not saying they will -- if they do, it's because you didn't believe!

We suck

Not even a debatable point.

Keep Whining A-Rod Fan; I'm All Ears

It turns out, that "Ross" is an underworld code word in Albanian for "A-Rod" ( literal translation: "one who fails when it matters , is in-love with himself and sets many records while looking in the mirror" ). So our detective agency is reporting that it is Alex himself attempting to denigrate our assaults on the greatest ballplayer in the history of sliced bread.

Dear Alex- Ross : In the interest of fairness and balance, I didn't see you complimenting me this morning (for example) on my correct prediction that you would have a key strikeout or three in yesterday's loss.
But, then, why should someone paid $25 million a year be able to put the bat on the ball in a one run game? Carl Pavano could do that, and he only gets $14 million per.

Probably, you are still basking in the power and the glory of your accidental, bloop single over the first baseman's head.
Nice work, also, running yourself into an out by 15 feet. A good way to stay humble.
How were the Clubs last night? Was the limo on time? Are you in the Toronto gossip columns today? Did your make-up hold up?

News Flash: Sun Rises in East, Kitten Chases Tail, Pavano Hurt

This just in: Pavano Has Stiff Neck, May Miss Saturday Start

(Note to readers: Insert choking joke here)

In other news, Hideki Irabu won't be starting Saturday either. After drinking 20 mugs of beer he punches out a bartender after his credit card is denied.

God to Yankees: Drop Dead

NORTH OF BUFFALO, CANADA _ Yankweh, the god of aging baseball teams, today proclaimed that He has chosen Toronto Blue Jays to compete in baseball's riveting 2008 wild card derby.
He made the ruling following Tuesday night's thrilling Blue Jay victory over the former New York Yankees, following a disasterous error by the former Johnny Damon, a base-running miscue by the former Alex Rodriguez, and four amazing strike outs by the current and future Jason Giambi.
The former centerfielder Damon was playing in place of former prospect Brett Gardner, who was shifted in order to keep God's perfect record of foiling the moves of Yankee manager Joe Girardi.
Meanwhile, in Houston, God was allowing the current LaTroy Hawkins to pitching in his 8th game since being released by the Yanks. Hawkins has thrown five full innings, giving up no runs, only two hits, and he has struck out 11.
While God was making His moves in Toronto, He was also pulling strings in Trenton, where He prepared his archangel, Carl Pavano, to return triumphantly to the Yankees next weekend. Under God's funniest scenario, the Yankees will have lost three in a row, and then find an uplifting performance by Pavano.
He will then become the Yanks' best pitcher down the stretch, before signing next year with the Boston Redsocks.