Saturday, August 23, 2008

Pavano to Kick-Off "Celebration of Yank Atrocities Week"

NEW YORK _ The long-awaited return of Carl "the Bronx Buttocks" Pavano launches a weeklong celebration of Yankee horror shows, jubilant team president Randy Levine said Friday.

“Thanks to our affiliation with KBR Contractors, a division of Halliburton, the Yankees plan to bring back the greatest debacles in their glorious history, names that will reassure all fans that it's a mercy killing to demolish the famed cathedral of baseball known as Yankee Stadium,” Levine said. “In fact, they might even take a jack-hammer to it before the season ends, which will be fine, because it would save on demolition costs and maybe allow us to resign Giambi.”

Following Pavano’s start, the team will relive daily special "theme debacles."

EIGHTIES DAY: Manager Joe Girardi has named as starter Eddie Lee Whitson, with Lenn Sakata filling in at second for the slumping Sandy Alomar Sr. The electrified corpse of Syd Thrift will throw out the ceremonial first pitch.

YOUTH DAY: Steve Whitaker, Roger Repoz and Jim Lyttle will man the outfield, with Sam Milletello on the mound. After hurting himself in the first inning, he’ll be followed by Phil Hughes, Ian Kennedy and Alan Horne. If either of the Duncan Boys, Shelley or Eric, get on base, Justin “Go ahead, try to pick me off” Christian will pinch run!

ILLEGAL SUBSTANCE AND ALCOHOL ABUSE DAY. Daryl, Doc, Dale Berra and the entire Roger Clemens posse will be on hand, in a firehose tug-of-war competition with Jose Canseco's World Team. Following the battle, radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh will cut the ribbon on the giant spoon monument in centerfield, immortalizing the career of Steve Howe.

FREE AGENT DAY: Holy Cow! Steve Kemp leads off in right, with Jerry Mumphrey in center and Omar Moreno in left, hitting into doubleplays with nobody on. As yet, Jason Giambi is uncommitted. Pitching will be the one and only Bob Shirley -- that is, if it's not Pavano’s turn in the rotation!

MEL HALL DAY: Every fan under the age of 14 will receive a text message from the former Yankee slugger and pride of Port Byron, NY, inviting them to a certain hotel room to meet the crew of "To Catch a Predator." Fans will also receive raw hamburger. In the seventh inning, Mel’s cougars will be unleashed into the stands.

BAD TRADE DAY: Rick Rhoden, Ken Phelps, Kevin Brown, and all 20 people involved in the Randy Johnson and Gary Sheffield trades will receive gifts and testimonials from the electrified corpse of Syd Thrift. Fans will receive an autographed picture of Player to Be Named Later.

It's a week to remember, thanks to the Yankees and KBR. Celebrate the atrocities in this great year of nonstop horrors!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Dr Mr. Senor Presidente Duque:


The next round is on me.

"7 of 9 " or fight !!!