Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Yanksclusive: Redsock Scouting Report on Pavano

Carl Pavano, the Pride of the DL, could be back this weekend.

Sadly, Big Pavi has a $10 million arm and a $1.39 glute. In 2006 he was sidelined by a painful, debiliating buttock injury, which later metastasized into soft-tissue ailments.

Opposing teams know that, to beat Pavano, they must get him to restrain his buttocks. If they can do that, their bats can feast on the Yank bullpen's soft underbelly.

At considerable expense and physical danger, IT IS HIGH has obtained a secret Redsock scouting report, outlining the strategy when Pavano pitches.

As you can see, the team has a clear target in mind.

According to the Redsock scouts, Pavano's problems stem from spring training 2006, when they guided him into a special seat.

After reporting the injury, Carl was airlifted to the Jennifer Lopez Buttocks Clinic in Ashtabula, Ohio. Some claim to see the face of Hank Steinbrenner in Carl's x-rays.

This year, the Yankees apparently want to take no chances. Rather than walk in from right field, Carl will be shuttled in from the bullpen.

And between innings, he'll be kept safe, strapped in with an airbag.

Yes, and as a final note, let's acknowledge the obvious: This humiliating and torment-filled season has, at last, boiled down to the final degradation.
Butt jokes.

Some folks think it's easy being Yank fans. They don't understand.

They. Don't. Understand.


Anonymous said...

I wouldn't know what it's like being a Yankees fan cause my knuckles have never dragged on the ground !

Anonymous said...

Aw, how cute! A fan of another team lurking anonymously. Hey there, little fella, ya want some luxury tax this off-season?

To quote former avid Yankees fan Redd Foxx (unconfirmed): "How'd you like my knuckles dragged across your lips!?"

And yes, it appears I'm going to drive 4 hours to Baltimore Saturday in order to see Pavano one more time. Journey's "Don't Stop Believing" will be playing the whole time, because it just fits too perfectly.

Anonymous said...

Fuck Carl Pavano in his wop, guinea ass!

Anonymous said...

As an Italian, calling Pavano those names offends me...on the grounds that you are associating Pavano with the Italians.