Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Will You Guys Make Up Your Friggin Minds?

Let me begin by saying that I don't know how
one spells, " friggin." Is it with an " e " or an "i ?"

Is it always capitalized? In all of my creative
writing courses at Harvard, I was never permitted to use what you would call " curse " words, so I can't spell them.

My English professor, like many of the
owners and professional journalists at IIH,IIF,IIc, was a man of faith and believed that we would be stricken with a plague if we used anything ( word, object, date ) in vain ( or is it vein)?

Anyway, I digress.

One home opener Yankee loss to the new ( and real ) "evil empire," and you are all ready to throw in the towel?

Let me tell you what the true Yankee fans know:

1. Andy is 39 years old and we can't expect him to be the "big game" savior he once was. Let me just remind those of you who are over ain't what you used to be either. Even just driving to work and sitting at a desk. This is professional baseball, and when guys get old they lose their skills. Andy has done his best, and he can't throw a knuckle-ball.

2. I have advised this column on many occasions that:

A. The Yankees never should have acquired A-Rod.
B. That he will never help the Yankees win a WS.
C. That he puts up MVP numbers when it doesn't matter.
D. That the Cashman-led brain trust made the mistake of their lives when they didn't let him go earlier, when his agent thought he could get $1 Billion in competitive bidding for this fine player.

So what is the big shock?

You should expect him to strike out ( if he is having a good day) or hit into a DP, with the bases loaded and less than two out, in a game we must have.

Because I have my expectations properly centered, I am not disappointed at all. He does what I know he will do. Why boo a guy who we all know fails in those circumstances? He is what he is.

And he is under pressure; divorce; chippies beckoning; Madonna trying to convert him to a Kabbala jihadist; posing for men's fashion magazines...or on big rocks in Central Park.

How would we hit the next day if we were sitting naked in Madonna's apartment worrying about what we were going to tell the wife about why it took so long to walk the dog?

Personally, I don't know how he finds the time to show up for all the games. Manny couldn't do that.

3. Are there still Yankee fans out there who are hoping we will re-sign Jason G to be the first baseman next season? Molina, in his brief stint there the other night, was the better defender and, quietly, is getting more big hits than anyone on the Yankees.

4. And who wouldn't like to see a 4 X 400 meter relay team of Posada, Matsui, Sidney, and Molina?

5. The Yankees plan to keep Derek at short until he retires. So, the guy we of the best players the Yankees have ever of the great thrills for fans who love to see young talent emerge and energize the team.....will one day be " booed " ( bood, booo-ood?) for losing all but a foot or two of range, in both directions.

But will the Yankees adress the issue? Are they drafting shortstops, trading for young talent? We just traded away AG, the only guy in our minor league system who could even be considered a prospect ( and he wasn't ).

6. The Yankee brain trust is getting more and more like Pres. Bush....even if it is clear that you are about to drive the bus off the cliff, never, ever, change your approach to anything. It might look bad for your image.

7. So, let's turn to the future;

A. First, the experienced guys:

Abreu wants to come back; so does Hideki; and you know Jorge thinks he has another great decade or so ahead of him, behind the plate. Andy might be persuaded, if only to stay away from Roger Clemens. Moose returns, for sure (one of his best Yankee years ever). And Damon, who can't throw, catch, run or go deep is primed to play center again. Carl Pavano has to be re-signed after going 1-0 in his return. I'd predict; another 4 years at an even $40 million.

As long as Rivera can pitch well into his forties, we don't need to address the "closer" situation.

And A-Rod has 26 more years, with escalation clauses, on his contract. So we've got him locked up. This helps our major league talent scounts narrow their focus because we don't need to draft third basemen for our minor league teams. We can have spare catchers play the spot; or pitchers who can't pitch; or anyone named Duncan .

B. Now for the young ( this is where it really gets exciting ):

A. Melky is lighting it up at AAA. He deserves a shot in September. I think he could be a fine defender, albeit a .240 singles hitter with speed ( but who cannot steal bases ). He just needs experience. Flanked by Hideki and Abreu, who could ask for a better defensive outfield?

B. Cano is at risk of getting the "yips." Expectations for him have been set too high. No more Larry Bowa to speak the truth to him. Not to worry; we have Wilson Betemit.

C. Edwar , oh Edwar. I guess I forgot to mention that, in addition to his 0.80 ERA in the independent Mexico dirt field league, he always gives up home runs with men on base. He holds the record in Mexico ( and Venezuela, the Dominica, and Puerto Rico ) for grand slams. His weakness; he only has the one pitch.

D. Ian Kennedy - By contract with IIH,IIF,IIc, and in recognition of a recently served Tully-Lake restraining order, I am not permitted to comment on this prospect. I'll just quietly allow his performance to speak for itself.

E. I am in negotiations right now with some unnamed folks in Vegas to establish odds on the likelihood of Phil Hughes ever winning a game, at any level, for the Yankees. This may be an opportunity for all the blog readers to get rich.

My scouts currently have him at 0-0, with an ERA of 8.47 at Scranton. They say his fastball is not registering on the speed gun, which has a " fail-safe " low mph threshold ( i.e. it doesn't kick in ) of 74 mph. And the fact that Carl Pavano got back to the stadium before this 22 year-old phenom speaks volumes.

F. Dr. Andrews - The Yankee's biggest hope is in the hands of this fine surgeon. Nearly every young Yankee pitcher ( young, in Yankee terms, is 32 or less ) is currently under his care, in re-hab, or about to make the trip to the top draft pick whom we did manage to sign ). Luckily, we have no position players with serious arm injuries.....or worth surgery, in any case.

G. And pay attention to this one - there are no hidden gems in the Yankee minor league system who will ever be a Derek, a Bernie, an Andy, a Mariano, a Jorge or even a Homer Bush. There is only Jesus who, at 6'6," 275 pounds and still growing, is really unlikely to be a major league catcher. His speed to first base ( running ) is now 10 seconds flat.

Better the Giants sign him to play defensive end.

In Conclusion:

Please wake-up and smell the roses. This Yankee team is still very much in the hunt and is unlikely to be mathematically eliminated until well into the NFL season.

I say, "Can't we all just get along and enjoy the games" ?

With a new regime on the horizon ( GM, Owners, Sports Writers, Fan Base, Bleacher Creachers, Stadium, etc ), about 10 number 1 top draft picks , and some blind luck, and we could re-wind the tape to 1996.

I do suggest, however, that you find some new interests for about the next ten summers.


Unknown said...

Three things that the Yankees have going for them:

and.. Money.

It doesn't fucking matter what our prospects look like now. Latch onto Melky; he's not that great, and never will be. Kennedy, Hughes will be good enough one day. They're fucking 22 or someshit, give them some time. There's plenty of other kids in the system that have potential in time, but goddamnit if you aren't the most impatient fuck in the world.

And, again, with A-Rod: one game. We weren't going to win a game in which our starting pitcher gives up 6 in 4.2 innings anyway.

Oh yeah, we have money. There's a half dozen great free agents on the market next year and every reason for Steinbrenner to eat them all up.

Alphonso, I think you're a huge piece of shit and you're DEFINITELY the only writer on this blog that I don't enjoy. This team isn't eliminated by any stretch (for fuck's sake, the series isn't even two games over yet), and even when we are eliminated in the last two weeks of September, this season wasn't a total failure, given the injuries and bad luck that beset this team. I hope you turn allegiances and become a Mets fan or something, because fuck, they know how to execute trades don't they?!?!?!?!

Fuck, man. What are you gonna do when this team is actually good? Gripe about how A-Rod only 10th in all major batting statistics and needs to hit .450 with RISP?

PS. i actually have a huge man-crush on you. don't hate me loverboy.

Unknown said...

And SEXY JESUS FUCK I just can't resist following all that up with this link

2007 stats. His numbers were worst when the margin was >4 runs. Best with 2 outs, RISP!!!!! OH MY GOD HE HIT .318/.448/.776 IN THOSE SITUATIONS. DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHAT THIS MEANS??!?!?!?!

There is a high statistical probability that you fucks are cherry picking results and next year or the year after things will deviate towards the norm (norm = asskicking because he is the GREATEST PLAYER EVER TO SWING A PIECE OF WOOD AT A FLYING BASEBALL, REGARDLESS OF THE GAME SITUATION). Until then, have fun booing him and not booing Derek Jeter for doing the same shit... retards.

Anonymous said...

I think cajuncook is secretly Alex Rodriguez...

Anonymous said...

Well, I've got 9 more years to prove you wrong on A-Rod. I'll take my chances...

Cowgirl-Up said...

Alphonso, mind your p's & q's! Anyone with even a prep school education knows how to spell friggin. And vein. And wake up (no hyphen, please). Who is your editor?