Thursday, August 14, 2008

Open Letter to the Yankees: Your next six weeks may be unpleasant

Dear Madams or Sirs,

Well… here we are!

It’s mid-August, and you’re two up on Toronto for third in the AL East.

Of course, we still have an outside prayer, in that Yogi, “aint-over-till-it’s-over,” Bette Midler “wind-beneath-by-wings,” Rumsfeld “unknown-unknown” sort of way.

Hell, we can win 20 straight, while Boston, Minnesota, Chicago, Texas and Detroit tank, and then we're right back in the Wild Card! Hell, Bush might be impeached! gas might fall to $1 a gallon! and The Joker might rig all of Gotham City with explosives, only to be outsmarted by Batman!

But if those possibilities don't pan out, you’ll be the first Yanks to miss the playoffs in 13 years.

Think about it: The high school Class of 2008 cannot recall an October without us playing baseball.

Congratulations, guys, you taught the youth of America that nothing lasts forever.

Including fan loyalty.

On that note, you’re about to notice a change in the weather. It’s not just the booing. You’ve heard booing before.

Nope, gonna be worse. You’re going to start noticing what it’s like to be lame duck prima donna athletes for a New York sports team during an economic downturn, with the country at war, with the electorate divided, while an emotionally iconic stadium is about to be closed… for no good reason.

We apologize in advance for the things you will read and hear.

We didn’t want this. We know you tried. You had injuries. You had bad luck. And, heck, instead of shortening your swings with runners on third and less than two out, why not try to smash those home runs, and why not walk the bases loaded or let ground balls roll into the outfield without diving for them, you worthless, goddamm MUTHERF-

Sorry. I lost it there. Forgive me.

Next year, we’ll be back.

Most of you will be gone.

For the next six weeks, we will fill the stadium regularly to say goodbye to old friends, to old ideals, to old memories of the players and personalities who came before you.

And we will count the minutes until this team is history.

We know it was not your intention to be hapless. It just turned out that way.

You’re about to see a September that no Yankee team has experienced in a generation.

Well… here we are! Ready to win 20 in a row?


Wailin' Suzyn said...




Anonymous said...

The high school Class of 2008 cannot recall an October without us playing baseball.

Funny, I can't remember anytime in the last three years that the Yanks DID play October baseball.

At least, not any worth talking about.