Friday, August 29, 2008

Wanted: New ARod guru

Open Letter to the Yankiverse...

Dear Madam or Sir:

Madonna has failed as Arod's soul confidante, giver of wisdom and shield against trenchmouth.

Also, the next four weeks of booing will do to Arod's mind what carpet-bombing once did to the Serbs.

Considering his wealth, his talent and that sexy pout-face that he gins up while walking back to the bench after a whiff, it's clear that Arod now qualifies for that exclusive ring of celebrity meglomaniacs who deserve their own 24/7, all-wise, feces-flinging guru.

Yes, he needs a personal lodestone/brownose, a spiritual Kato Kaelin, someone like the motivational nutjob played by Tom Cruise in the 1990s film "Magnolia," the one who celebrates stiffies and tells women, "I'm gonna eat your cherry pie, sweet mama baby!" in a way that we only later realized is actually Cruise's own couch-jumping persona.

Unfortunately, Cruise has become a top cheesedick in the International Church of Scientology & Varmint Control Inc., and until the Stepford chip takes full function of his wife's left lobe, he has no time to take on the hooker-loving Arod.

Now, I know what you're saying: "Aww, fukinay, Dukie, Arod don't need no gyadamm gu-roooo. He got ol' Warren Buffet, the wealthiest sumbich in Omaha, the stock market bellweather -- whatever that is -- and owner of the Buffalo News." (You readers have a way with words.)

Sorry. Arod needs somebody with bejeweled fingers, facial ticks and the big bare feet. That's also why the LA Kaballah/Weight Loss Center, funded by Madonna and run by real estate agents, just won't cut it.

Nope. We're thinking of Canada's top saucerologist, the inspiring cult leader Rael, a former speed racer named Claude who got probed by aliens -- no tearing, they were as gentle as Elvis was with the 16-year-old Priscilla -- and saw the light. Rael (pictured right) leads a way-cool cult that claims to clone people, sort of like the way the GOP manages to find extra votes in Florida.

Check out the amulet. Arod needs an amulet. When combing the strip clubs after a big Yank win, Arod can explain to the topless fans about how mankind was created in an alien lab broth, and how the Kevin Youkilis strain is just a horrible mistake. If we can get Arod in with the Raelians, his career will soar, even though the lack of future business could cause Hooters stock to decline.

Our only fear: The Mother Ship comes to whisk him away.

Let's deal with that when it happens.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

The movement begins: